Jokes about life

Read funny Jokes about life

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The student died. In infernal office predlagayut:
-In a simple hell or student's?
student podumal:
-Bothered this student's life, hostels, couples, well, give in idle time ad.
poslali it in an ordinary hell. There any silent radostizhizn - beer, maids, a box... Only at the end of everyone the devil dnyaprikhodit and all high breaks - the nail in zadnitsuzabivayet.
zadolbalo is the student, comes in infernal kontoru:
-Take away me from this hell, I want in studencheskiy.
v the student's - maids run after, the plan the mountain, beer the river moreover and the devil does not come. The student is delayed, delayed... Passes somewhere about half a year...
BATs, appears the devil - with an armful terrible gvozdey.
student:
-You who?!!!!
-SESSION!

*****

Dies old evpey.
u its headboards there is his wife Sara and grieves on leaving muzhu.
on speaks ey:
-Sar. I will die soon. I want that you executed my last request. I ask that when me go to bury on one party from a coffin that there was you, Sar my wife with which I carried out all the adult life. I want Ho that on other party groda there was my last mistress Riva, you it znaye. And then I will quietly depart to the world other...
Capa pobagpovev:
-That I followed a coffin from this potaskukhy, this disgraceful mad suky!!! Da Sar's
-. You have to execute my request, and differently I will damn you!
Capa long was silent, then ppotsedila:
-it is good. I will execute your request. REMEMBER Ho! I from this funeral will not derive pleasure!

*****

The old Jew dies. Its headboard has it a wife Sara and grieves on leaving muzhu.
on speaks ey:
-Sar. I will die soon. I want that you satisfied my last request. I ask that when me go to bury on one party from a coffin that there was you, Sar my wife with which I carried out all the adult life. But I want that on other party of a coffin there was my last mistress Riva, you know it. And then I will quietly depart to the world other...
Capa pobagrovev:
-That I followed the coffin from this potaskukhy, this disgraceful mad suky!!! Da Sar's
-. You have to satisfy my request, and differently I will damn you!
Capa long was silent, then protsedila:
-it is good. I will satisfy your request. But REMEMBER! I from this funeral will not derive pleasure!

*****

The old Jew dies. Called all sons and speaks:
-my Children, I feel that death already nearby and would like to finish the life so that all affairs were put in order and transferred to you. Listen and write down. Weinstein owes me two tysyachi.
synovya:
-do not worry, the father … Let's call it … Let's remind … Shapiro's
-owe me three tysyachi.
-we will make Everything … Today letter … Of course, custom-made immediately …
-Kogan owes me four tysyachi.
-Wrote down, the father … Telegram right there … Everything will be as it should be, papa.
-I owe Goldberg 15 tysyach.
-All … Lost consciousness …

*****

The old Jew dies, and asks that to him before death brought a coffee cup with two slices of sugar. Bring coffee, the Jew drinks it with big naslazhdeniyem.
-Though before death I received of what Abram dreamed all zhizn.
-, but you were not the poorest Jew in our village, and unless you were not able to afford a cup of coffee?
-Could, but houses I drank coffee with one slice of sugar, and on a visit with three.

*****

The old Jew dies. The whether gathered relatives ask at nego:
- There is no last desire before death at you?
-Ya I want to drink a glass of tea with two pieces sakhara.
-Why you have such strange desire?
- The matter is that I all life of the house drank tea with one piece of sugar, and on a visit - with three. And I love with two...

*****

The dying husband speaks to the zhene:
-Perhaps, you were faithful to me all life, and can and sinned? Now, when I die, can
priznatsya that changed me. Now all the same, but it would be desirable to know the truth before smertyyu.
- And suddenly you will not die?

*****

History lesson. The teacher asks a class: - Children how you think, than life before revolution differs from the present? Vovochka: - Before revolution spoke "Pshyol of wons!", and now - "Come tomorrow!".

*****

The distinguished Frenchwoman married the brutal Texan. Passes month of matrimonial life, it speaks emu:
-Listen, Jack. When you kiss me with a cud in a mouth, I can worry. I even was measured with that when we have sex, you do not take off the hat and boots. But I very much ask you when we do "69", take out a cigar from a mouth!

*****

The teacher of biology tells about insects who live only one day. A voice with back party:
-Here a lafa! All life birthday.

*****

The teacher gave a task to write to pupils on the house the composition on a subject: "Origin of my family". Asks Vovochk's houses at babushki:
- And you from where were born?
-Me stork prines.
-A mother?
it too a stork принес.
- Well, and I?
-A you we in cabbage nashli.
Vovochka sat down at a table, scratched turnip, frowned eyebrows and began to write: "Here already three generations as our family breed in the vegetative way, without knowing delights of sexual life".

*****

The teacher asks uchenikov:
-Someone from you saved human life? Yes, once I changed for
-contraceptive tablets of my sister.

*****

The teacher carries on conversation about budushchem.
-Here you, Vovochka whom you will become when you grow up?
-Militsionerom.
-A if then militias will not be? There will be no criminals and lovit
nekogo.
- Then pozharnikom.
-But after all society samousovershenstvutsya so, what not budet
khalatnosti, will not allow any fire. Why firefighters?
- Then I will go in ofitsery.
-So far you will grow up, the reason will triumph on all nashey
planete. People will lead peace, happy life. Military budut
ni to chemu.
-That you stuck to me, Marya Ivanovna? All the same I rabotat
ne will be!

*****

The teacher tells Vovochk's Vovochke:
-that in life to reach something it is necessary to study uporno.
Vovochka:
-Marya Ivanovna, you in sense as or at whom?

*****

The teacher gives classes on civil oborone.
-Listen attentively, - she explains. - The air-raid warning, siren
zagudeli is declared...
Bce pupils, except for one, right there dived under party.
-Sammy! - the teacher cried. - And you why sit, how in anything ni
byvalo? Save rather the life!
-A unless you do not know, what in the war there are heroes?

*****

Her professor, and what type of joint-stock company when your share as the investor has to be more, differently other investor will not create with you the joint-stock company, monthly payments from the budget of the joint-stock company for you it is much less, and in case of bankruptcy of the joint-stock company the property is halved in the best for you a case thus that you will pay to other investor for life your share what you once managed to create with it the joint-stock company?
-Is absurdity, student.
-It not absurdity, a her professor, and marriage, including yours. And you to us give lectures about economy here.

*****

Hirurg.
khirurg it as sapper. Is mistaken only once. The truth if the sapper is mistaken only once in the life, the surgeon is mistaken only once in your life. Even if after the surgeon's mistake you managed to keep life, believe, it such on a horse-radish is not necessary to you. As well as the sapper, the surgeon is guided by not saved up information, and intuition. And in it our happiness as in medicine the intuition still where is more reliable.

*****

It is good when simply work at work, and love, hate and have a good time in private life.

*****

- Che you such sad?
-C the wife quarreled. Wanted to ask "expensive, make to me a breakfast", and it turned out "you to me a bough spoiled all
zhizn"!!

*****

What is the husband?
It the lover's deputy on economic chasti.
kakaya a difference between the husband and the director? The
Director knows the zamestitelya the husband net.
chto means the Russian word - business?
Nadeau to pull down a vodka box vodka to pour out bottles to hand over and money propit.
chto it is easiest on light? The
Member - You will not manage to think already vstayet.
semeyny the center - the fine place for those to whom a place in a mental hospital (S. Freud) of
lichnaya life looks as well as nalichnaya.
smert is the arrow which is started up in you and life - that moment that it to you flies.

*****

That our life - a moment: just we were in hands of the midwife, and here we already in hands of the pathologist.

*****

To get on the sky, the old man blindly followed manuals of God and church all the life. And here it in the sky. One of his old friends finds the old man on a cloud with the beautiful woman sitting at it on a lap and speaks: - Well, here to you and award for your honest life! - Well, - the old man answers, - You think, it is my award? No, I - its punishment!

*****

The Chukchi - the father, tells to the Chukchi - synu:
- The Main thing in life, the sonny, never eat yellow snow!!!

*****

The soldier went to work. It passed one village. Looks, near one hut the people sobralsya.
-That happened, - speaks, - that for trouble?
-Divchina young at us died, - answer, Maryyushk's
-. Still to live to it yes zhit.
- And well, let's look, - said soldat.
glyad, and it it seems as dyshit.
-Leave, - speaks, - I will try your Maryyushka to recover, perhaps that it will turn out. Well also let's it bang it. Shparil, spurred he it, it did not become covered by a rumyanchik yet, and opened eyes are clear. Well, recovered, koroche.
vyshel from haty:
-Accept soldiers, - speaks, - Your Maryyushku.
dolgo peasants and Maryyushka.
proshlo time thanked the tell-tale. The tell-tale from service comes back, and his road lies through the same derevenku.
glyad, near other hatka the people stolpilsya.
-That happened, - speaks, - that for trouble?
-Yes here the granny at us passed away, - answer, - already, esteem, the third day all village ebyom, and it all does not come to life.

*****

The civilian Jones was appointed in army training center where he had to educate recruits concerning various government obligations to them, especially about the Life Insurance of the Military Personnel (LIMP). Soon after that the lieutenant of the center noticed that Jones has almost 100% sale of a SZhV insurance that earlier never happened. The lieutenant sat down at the end of the room filled with recruits and began to listen to trade giving of Dzhonsa.
dzhons explained to new recruits of a basis of SZhV, and then said:
"If you have SZhV and you went to fight and were lost, - the government is obliged to pay to your successors $200 000. If you have no SZhV and you went to fight and were lost, - the government is obliged to pay to your successors a maximum only of $6000". "And now", he told in summary, "as you think whom they will send to fight the first?"

*****

Stages in life of the Russian businessman: own car, own plane, own yacht, own opinion....
... general chamber.

*****

- When I go on a visit to the mother-in-law, I drink very much malo.
-to You the wife does not resolve? It is familiar to me...
-is not present At all. Simply once I fine touched and it seemed to me that at me teshchi.
takogo horror I never before

*****

- I very much hope, what afterlife net.
-?? Present to
-only, you died, and there the MOTHER-IN-LAW!!

*****

- I gave you the best years of the life! And in replacements...
-Aga! In replacements received the best pages of my check-book!

*****

I gave you the best years of my life!
-But you received in exchange the best pages of my check-book.

*****

I thought earlier that the chronic fatigue at me is a consequence of environmental pollution, a lack of vitamins, high urovnya
kholesterina in blood, the noise published by neighbors, need to get up early for work in the mornings - is shorter, all than that forces us to ask to itself a question, whether life is worth in general it that to live it.

*****

Three cats sit argue who lenivee; the
First I tell the laziest to me milked and to me laziness was it to drink! The
Second speaks and to me it to a muzzle stuck to me laziness was it to lick! The
Third speaks heard shouts to two o'clock in the morning yes heard I stepped to himself on eggs and to me was laziness from them to rise!

*****

Hy that, helped you to get rid our poison of mice?
-O yes! It so was pleasant to mice that they grew fat and could not get through in a hole. Our cat caught all of them and ate!

*****

Ha an exhibition of cats got the casual person - goes, considers everything with genuine interest. It approaches one owner and asks:
-That for a cat at you?
-Siamese!
-Well Well, blow me down! As well divided them...

*****

Novelty Japanese robotostroiteley! The new model kiberkota is almost indistinguishable from live, but asks to eat in fifteen languages, tears up wall-paper and furniture under musical maintenance and spoils strictly in the places programmed by the owner.

*****

And I have a grief - my Persian cat on my Persian carpet made the Persian Gulf!!!

*****

- What do you do?
- Kittens razvozhu.
- Yes? And how?
- two kittens in a bucket of water.

*****

- And that it here the road is so densely spat?
-a black cat stole a march on the Company of soldiers!

*****

- And I have an unusual cat, think in her circus otdat.
-That in her unusual?
-you See the photo?
-Well? She removed
-!