Jokes about life

Read funny Jokes about life

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

182  183  184  185  186  187  188  189  190  191  192  193

Two girls talk in the bus: - After all life is arranged so silly! - Why you so think? - You represent, everything that I love, or it is immoral, or from it get fat!.

*****

Two bats hang headfirst. One another asks:
-Kakoy you in life had the most awful day?
When I began a diarrhea (her girlfriend answers)

*****

Two whores try to enter in magnificent restoran.
ikh does not let shveytsar:
-We do not serve women of an easy image zhizni.
-Anything to ourselves a lung! To suck at drunk at 3 o'clock in the morning!

*****

Two missionaries run on the desert, and the hungry lion pursues them. They reach the first tree and having climbed up the top of steel molitsya:
"the Father heavenly, We are grateful to you for the life presented to us and very much we ask you to protect and to protect us from an angry and hungry lion." and t.daly...
K to this tree runs up a hungry and tired lion and too molitsya:
"the Father heavenly, I am very grateful to you for this food and I ask to bless it for the use. Amen!"

*****

- Girls, me my husband made e-mail! So write: "the wife a dog of life a point is not present".

*****

The girl was invited for the first time by the boy on svidaniye.
vstretilis, undertook handles, took a walk in park, talked, went to the cinema, then in cafe - everything is lovely, grandly, as at lyudey.
on took her home, stand at an entrance - proshchayutsya.
ona kisses it on a cheek, it it too. At the girl of a shower sings: romanticism and first love. Suddenly the boy silently undoes a fly, takes the girl by hand and puts her hand to himself in trousers on HIM! The girl's
U ROUND eyes, a face, red with shame, in soul a storm of emotions! Thinks - ah he is a reptile, I to it with feelings such, and it CATTLE!
OHA speaks to it in 5 sec. of such stupor - "Know, know, what I will tell you?!! "
OH (quietly so) - "That? "
OHA - "Went you to the ASS!!!" it is developed and runs from it through the yard, in an entrance, on a ladder a whirlwind on the 5th floor, at a door is late keys to get, suddenly feels behind the back someone is, looks back - It costs (red all such). - "And you know
OH that I will tell you? "
OHA (shocked): "WHAT??? "-" The MEMBER release
OH!!! "
anekdoty about love. Release No. 33
05.05.2011 13:48 of yumor
e-mail Printing of PDF

*****

Girls! If you lost hope to find the guy in life - go to the Internet, all of them there!

*****

The rural family got for the first time to lives to the big city. The wife at once dragged the husband and the son in
ogromny shopping center and right there began to run from department in department, having absolutely forgotten about domochadtsakh.
predostavlennye to herself, cowboys loafed on a hall, staring po
storonam. Their attention was drawn by the stout elderly woman who was sitting in a wheelchair about some
dverey and attentively looking at bulbs over them. Having approached closer, they saw figure "1", and in this
moment of a door opened. The woman drove inside.

*****

- Johnny why you wear boots three sizes smaller, than it is necessary?
-You see my wife ugly, inaccurate, besides badly prepares, syn
uchitsya is ugly, the mother-in-law grumbles incessantly. The only pleasure at me v
zhizni, when evenings

*****

George Bush calls the president Putin and asks:
-Vladimir, how are you?
-is good. And you as?
-Not really. You understand, I have congressional elections soon. And my Republican Party lags behind in all 50 states, generally - bad nastroyeniye.
putin:
-I will send you the chairman of Central Election Commission, Churov his surname, let him to you pomozhet.
otpravil.
dney through ten Churov call Putinu:
-Vladimir Vladimirovich, I can report, eat some uspekhi.
-with Dolozhite.
-generally so: in all 50 states is in the lead - with small advantage, but is in the lead - "United Russia"

*****

- The doctor what to do? I begin sexual powerlessness! Tell
-what you conduct sexual zhizn.
-Ordinary. Wife every night. Girlfriend every evening. Na
rabote secretary. That's all...
-Well, my dear, At such life, of course, will arise polovaya

*****

The doctor what to do? I begin sexual powerlessness! Tell
-what you conduct sexual zhizn.
-Ordinary. Wife every night. Girlfriend every evening. At work the secretary. That's all...
-Well, my dear, At such life, of course, will arise sexual weakness! That you want...
-Means from it?
-Of course!
-Thank God. I that thought - from an onanism...

*****

- The doctor, and whether is life after death?
-A you think to me, how to the proctologist, more visible?

*****

- The doctor, I want to commit suicide. What to do to me?
-Well that I can advise you... There are many different ways.

*****

- I hope have a doctor?
-Nadezhda? Is... Chances are not present. The man comes to clinic on delivery of donor sperm. Put him on a sofa, gave glass capacity and saidi:
-Here to you a vessel, and now dream up. Imagine the most voluptuous and desired

*****

Doktor:
-Everything is all right. And we will write: ORZ. Will come through three dnya.
seychas I to you will issue the bulletin … How, by the way, your surname?
patsment:
-Ya and knew … Know that, I to you to call a surname ne
budu, I will better write …
D.: …. And … #: [] What you wrote it? How it is not a shame to you?
P.: It is my surname. Trust He? Want the passport I will show? Here, please …
D.: Dda-a … Really … A series … number … is issued … My God!!!! How you it were given out?!?!?!
P.: Also do not ask. The passport officer who gave out, cried. You, speaks, do not lose it, and that again should be written out. Then at once
D left ….: Yes as you live?
P.: And I live. The passport constantly with itself. Happened earlier, on the street the militia as a surname will ask, and I as will answer … And now - the passport I will show and - anything …
D.: And you did not try to replace a surname?
P.: YOU THAT?!?! The surname is as the Homeland. One for the rest of life what is. Here you are a Russian?
D.: Russian!
P.: Too it is possible to replace?
D.: Really … And … as family, children?
P.: What family, doctor? Well I met one horoshey
zhenshchinoy here … Three years. Did not call a surname, thought - will manage. In a registry office all also became clear. She as a surname heard, thought that I so called it. And I to it: it at us a surname such. Also called it in plural: we, I speak, now …
D.: For God's sake, it is not necessary! Leave, I ask you! Following, please!
P.: Yes there is nobody there, the doctor!
D.: You that, called a surname?
P.: Why, I on reception zapisalsya.
d.: That you did! You for half a day without work left me! Here that, give your bulletin here, I will issue it to you not for three days, and for three years. Only a surname you enter …
P.: And if it becomes bad?
D.: Will call "ambulance". Only do not call a surname. Tell the address … to
P.: And you know where I live? No, I will not tell, I will better write …
D.: #% (0) It you … It you live there?!
P.: Yes, I live! To show the passport?
D.: Is not present … it is not necessary …. Go, and? Go …
P.: Where?
D.: And there, where live …

*****

Doctor, how it?
- The Bullet - the silly woman. Any vital not zadet.
-Thank God!
-But here a bayonet - the good fellow, the good fellow.

*****

- Doctor, how there my husband? In principle everything is normal
-threat for life is not present. And he does not complain of health. Though, there can be complaints do not arrive because of a small coma.

*****

Doctor Gerts is called at night to the rich patient. Osmotrev
bolnogo, the doctor asks:
-you already made the Will?
-Is not present! And what? Da's
-! In a minute cause notariusa.
-you think, the doctor, what my life is in danger?
-of Anything similar. I simply do not wish to be the only idiot,
kotory because of you does not sleep at night!

*****

Pets decorate our life, and at a difficult moment a table.

*****

Darling I houses! (silence) of
-Ya came! (zero emotions)
-Yes, that for life such! The husband comes from work, tired, hungry, and him vstrechayut
tolko fragmentary slippers and a torn cat! …
KOT defiantly turns away and urinates on a slipper …
vecher was not set: (

*****

- Darling I in life knew only one clever zhenshchinu.
-It whom else?
-You, silly woman!

*****

- Yes, the road, the love is really blind. The truth people govoryat.
-But matrimonial life - the ingenious oculist. I tell it to you

*****

- Darling, if you will kiss me once again, I will be all life yours! - Oh, thanks for the prevention!

*****

Daughter this guy orphan and ktomuzha it lame. Do not marry him zahusband .
a to me it is not necessary krasavits.
ya not about that. Regret the guy, to him and so from life got.

*****

- Daughter, this guy orphan, besides it lame. Do not marry him zahusband .
- And I do not need krasavets.
-Me not about that. Regret the guy, to him and so got from life.

*****

The smart cabriolet goes on the city drives okhuyenny devushka.
on at it breaks, it leaves, a wheel of a popinal, a windshield wiped it not edet.
ryadom there is a Georgian of the Caucasian nationality anywhere and it to it speaks:
-Repair to me the machine, I to you money of ladies. It speaks:
-Devichka, a mine nykhuya a ninada, at menya everything is!
ONA speaks:
-But me it is necessary to go, I have nothing to give more to you, want bang me! He looked, but it seems the little girl of anything repaired her the car, banged her. So it was pleasant to it! She speaks:
-Blya, in the life tested similar nothing, went with me to Switzerland, I to you how many want money of ladies, I will present a sports car! It speaks:
-Devichka, mine zhe nykhuya a ninada, at menya blya all is! Address to my friend Gogi, on
esho luchshe than I better!
ONA speaks:
-That can be even better than YOU?! He - tells
-A - last year a she-bear viyebat, so that to it still drags raspberry from the wood!

*****

Two girlfriends go by the train. One speaks: - Not life, but melancholy sploshnaya.
- And you to yourself bring the lover and every month take from him on 1000 dollars!
-Yes where to take such?
-Well, then two bring on 500.
-It too problematichno.
- Then four on 250!
muzhik with top polki:
-Girls as will reach ten dollars - wake!

*****

The father, mother and Vovochka drive the car from guests (during that time still grudnoy
mladenets). They are braked by the GAI officer and suggests the father to breathe in trubochku.
trubochka densely turns green. The father says that more strong than spring water he v
zhizni drank nothing that the tubule - lousy and let, say, will breathe mama.
mama does not object, and the GAI officer has one more green tubule. Papa
ne is given and holds the ground. The GAI officer puts Vovochke's tubule. Trubochka
pozelenela. The father congratulates the GAI officer, speaks a lot of warm abusive slov
po to the address of the Soviet industry and leaves. And in the car speaks mame:
-I said that hundred grams to our Vovochke will not damage!...

*****

The Jew and the Russian student seminarist go by the train. The Jew asks:
- And what you will have career?
-Well if I well finish, I will arrive in spiritual akademiyu.
- And all?
-Well I will become iyegumeny and if I well finish, maybe the post poluchu.
- And all is higher?
-Well if everything successfully develops...
-Yes, is absolutely successful...
-Well, to the maximum, by the end of life - arkhiyepiskopom.
- And all? Well, maybe, I will become
- The Patriarch!
-I all?
-A that else? He God?!!!
evrey, pomolchav:
-Well one of our boys was beaten out...

*****

There is such subject in theatrical HIGHER EDUCATION INSTITUTION - rech.
sootvetstvenno, the teacher-rechevik, the person, all life devoted and t. of
stsena from life. The student on occupations runs, is late. His Rechevik ostanavlivayet:
-Petrov why you are late?
-A... I had no money for the drive... on foot ran...
rechevik, udivlenno:
-As was not? And grant? Yesterday gave!
student, ponikshe:
-I... spent on drink...
pauza. Rechevik, gromko:
-MONSTER!!! - (a terrible pause) - did not spend on drink, and pro-Opil!!!

*****

The monk and the conventual on the desert on a camel went. A camel take and die. They prayed, see - is useless. The monk and speaks:
-Give, present, what we in paradise, razdenemsya.
razdelis, the conventual looks, udivlyaetsya:
- And what it at you sticks out between feet?
-A is Charisma. If I put it in you, will be created zhizn.
-So thrust it rather to a camel, and went!

*****

- On what complain? On zhizn.
- And that want
-from me?
-would Give group invalidnosti.
-On what it to a disease?
-A on wear of years!

*****

The wife got up at 4 o'clock in the morning. Broke a rod. Lowered in a toilet bowl of worms. Cut rubber boots and the boat. Then went to bed and gently nestled on the husband's back. It was necessary to live it no more than an hour..... The husband comes from work and speaks zhene:
-Gather, we go to theater! What
-B? In Big? - joyfully asks ona.
-do not worry, you will be located.

*****

The wife swear at the husband. It speaks:
-you to me broke All life! Look at
- At yourself! You as on kitchen come, at cockroaches birth rate falls

*****

The wife - to the husband: - How you think, maybe, to change us each other somehow to recover our dim family life?
-Is useless, I already tried...

*****

The wife muzhu:
-You, what animal would like to become in the following life?
-Well... Probably, dog... That is you want to change nothing
-?

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-bothered Me such life. The day before yesterday you came home yesterday, yesterday you came today. If today you are
pridesh tomorrow, the day after tomorrow I file
Ya for divorce! Clearly explained?

*****

The wife of the police officer complains to the judge who zanimayetsya
brakorazvodnym protsessom.
-Life with my husband became simply intolerable. In time
zavtraka, a lunch and a dinner the same comedy: he zastavlyaet
menya to drink wine half-bottles then settles v
kresle, undoes trousers and speaks: "Now we will check, whether ne
pyana you. Well, blow in "tubule".