Jokes about life

Read funny Jokes about life

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The man on reception at hirurga:
- The Doctor, I have a life - one flour, the member shot up below heels, ukorotite
do normal razmerov.
-it is good, in operatsionnuyu.
ulozhili, bound, entered sleeping pill, but forgot to ask, where rezat.
priglasili the female surgeon. Goes round a table, the head swings i
okhayet.
- And know that, boys, why a thing to spoil, give better than a foot emu
narastim.

*****

The man - priyatelyu:
-I last week dispatched the announcement through the newspaper that I look for the companion of life. And here already received the whole bag pisem.
- And what in them?
-generally one offer: 'Take mine!'

*****

The fly on a manure heap asks Zhuka:
-well, feel changes in life?
EShchE! Earlier I whom was? A bug navoznym.
a now - the fertilizers manager!

*****

On the polling precinct interview at izbirateley.
korrespondent:
-Hello for whom you came to vote?
izbiratel:
-Hello, I came to vote for the new term of Putin and his team … … … … … … … … it is desirable for life and with confiscation.

*****

On a shop at an entrance two old women sit and, as usual, complain to each other on zhizn:
-That becomes that becomes! Youth absolutely from hands otbilas.
yesterday in the evening Minium clamped on a ladder Varvarina the granddaughter, put on knees and began a willy to beat it on a muzzle. It is good, what got to a mouth, and if to an eye?

*****

At lecture on philosophy professor gets an empty 3-liter glass jar, fills it with stones of centimeters on 5 in the diameter and the full jar asks at studentov:
-?
Te nod. Then professor gets a package with stones more small, fills up them in bank and again asks:
- And now?
-Yes, now polnaya.
tut professor gets a package with sand and fills up this sand then speaks:
-This bank reflects your life in bank. Big stones are the most important: health, work, family, children. In the presence of all this it will be possible to call your life full even if you do not have anything any more. Small pebbles are things more small, such as the apartment, giving, the car, etc. And sand is absolutely a trifle, trifles. If to fill to bank at first with sand, there will be no place for large and small stones. Also and your life - if you will spend it for trifles, in it there will be no place for really important things. So decide on your vital values and remember that all the rest is only pesok.
tut one student gets a beer bottle from a bag, opens, pours out in bank, and beer is absorbed in contents banks without ostatka.
… Whatever was full your life, in it always there will be a place for beer.

*****

On the eleventh year of family life the wife asks muzha:
-Darling, and of what you thought in our first marriage night?
-O than thought? What I will bang you until you descend with uma.
zhenu so excited these words, what she right there laid down on a bed and moved apart nogi.
- And now of what you think?
-Yes, here I think that to me after all it managed to be made.

*****

On the fringe of the forest there is a poor excuse for a hut. On a threshold -
dovolny zayats.
pyet from a throat lemonade, is engaged in an onanism and voskhishchayetsya:
-This life: country house, champagne, woman...

*****

On reception at psikhiatra:
- The Doctor - I am a fighter and the mercenary, half-lives on hot spots... At last returned to peace life - and life seems to me fresh!
-is clear... Here, look - nine tablets of aspirin. And here one tabletochka of strychnine - kills instantly... We mix - it is impossible to distinguish! Accept for one every day... In a week come... Hm-m-m... If poluchitsya.
cherez nedelyu:
- The Doctor, you returned me to life! I now every day as in the war live because it can be the last!.
-is strange... The matter is that I by mistake gave you nine tablets of strychnine...

*****

On recruiting station the officer, addressing recruits, spoke about advantages military sluzhby.
- And eventually, served in army will not live in dread any more that it will urge to serve.

*****

For 15 years of matrimonial life I heard from muzha
" Where my socks nearly every morning??!!", though they always were in the same place!!))) I began to change their site-)) For example veiled them the screen of the TV which on
nepremenno included getting out of a bed. Hanged out on a mirror at which it cleaned zuby.
no since morning, in minutes 15-20 when he started putting on, "Where my socks?" - sounded again!!)))
… And then, I bought such lovely plastic basin with florets, folded couples 60 socks there and handed blessed with threat that if there will be an interest concerning location of socks, the basin will be smashed about his gently favourite head!!! Now I hear "Where a basin from time to time?!"))))))

*****

At a lesson of the Russian literature. Uchitelnitsa:
-Study children, and that will remain for the rest of life programmers...

*****

Watching that as cats and dogs dig in products of the activity, I drew a conclusion that cats it is front-wheel animals, and dogs respectively rear-wheel.

*****

The quarrelsome mother-in-law bothered the man, he took a white sheet, made a section, razdvinul
stol, and covered it with a sheet. Then climbed under a table, put the head in a cut, a
vokrug poured necks of chicken blood, language threw out and waits. The mother-in-law enters. Sees,
otrezannaya the son-in-law head on a table lies and let's lament. The man opens eyes i
speaks: "Gav!". The mother-in-law has a rupture of heart. The man in militia objyasnyaet:
-It all life barked at me, and I at it only once.

*****

Inscription on a place of burial of an army mule: "Here the favourite of division who for the life kicked dvukh
polkovnikov, four majors, ten captains, 24 lieutenants,
42 of the sergeant, 486 privates and one mine lies mul
magi,".

*****

The best 10 years in life of any woman fall on age between 28 and 30...

*****

Narkolog.
net, I lie. Here they precisely the most envious as want to deprive of the person of the last pleasure in life.

*****

Real koshatnik:
1. When he sleeps, he almost does not move. And precisely never moves fingers nog.
2. If on the sleeping aelurophile to put a heavy subject, he will care all night long that the subject did not fall and not sdvinulsya.
3. If in a dream to throw to the aelurophile on a stomach something quite heavy, he will smile and will mutter, without waking up:" Eh, the small was played! Give on kitchen - I want to sleep "
4. In the morning, not razleply an eye, it goes on kitchen and long looks for bowls there to fill them. Even if kitchen not it, are also found in it from animals only tarakany.
5. The dead mouse in a slipper causes affection in the aelurophile. A rat - voskhishcheniye.
6. Will seem to you that it is always chilled - because having come to the room, it right there begins to cover doors and to lock okna.
7. Leaving restaurant, it will surely leave a piece of meat on a table - "Not to us to enjoy one tasty food".
8. If you serve chips and cheese to beer, he will have a snack all evening only something one because to mix a dry feed and nature nelzya.
9. If you want to show that wildly him are jealous, simply to an opisayta to him a boot. In a different way he will not understand.

*****

The real man has to make in life three main veshchi:
1. To grow up puzo
2. To put pechen
3. To construct the mother-in-law

*****

The real hamster in the life has to make three things: to devour, have a sleep and die.

*****

You cannot achieve anything in life? - turn it into life philosophy.

*****

Recently schoolmates called me on giving, and I for the first time in life worked in sadu.
ya the whole day pulled at strawberry moustaches and very much zagorela.
skazhite, whether the truth what it is necessary to pull moustaches naked, and that strawberry will not grow?

*****

The German married couple celebrates 65 years of joint life. It - the stout blossoming woman, it -
vysokhshy the wrinkled old man. Among guests the vigorous young man - the representative of the press turns.
ON asks at yubilyarshi:
-Tell how you lived together so many years? Oh, it was very simple
-! I defined that my husband had to do, and he did it... If is not present,
togda it got it strong in the neck!
zhurnalist addresses to yubilyaru:
- And now you tell, what years in your life were the lightest and fine?
-is Ten years old of captivity in Russia...

*****

There is no more paradoxical phrase, than "I gave it the best years!" On the one hand, the lady is distressed about the years spent in marriage with "this goat", and on the other hand, she recognizes that these years and were the best in her life.

*****

Night. Knock at a door, exacting takoy.
-Who there? Open
-, militia!
dver otkryvayetsya.
-lives Rabinovich Here?
-NET.
-Is your apartment?
-Yes.
-your surname?
-Rabinovich.
-So you, padlo, bullshit, what Rabinovich does not live here? You me excuse
-but when someone can tear off you in the middle of night from the wife to call mean - You want to tell me, what it is life?

*****

And further I will continue ya:
lisa thought as it is good, competent - I stole cheese at vorony.
poydu to vote for Putin, my life - will be full.

*****

Well for vital paradox? Why in many drugstores condoms, a plaster and tests for pregnancy lie in the same row? It, type, tore, stuck, did not help?

*****

- Well, I can congratulate you! In you new life arose!!!
-Doctor... but I am a man! Da's
-? Well, actually, to worms somehow it is all the same …

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Announcement! "Kitten. Qualitative. Almost yuzany, run - 2 months. It is completed. There is a wool (cheerful black- And-white coloring), paws (4 pieces), moustaches (unlimited) and Int hummed (is built in). The subject possesses function of an urination in a toilet, lying on the TV, having lowered a tail on the screen, and irrepressible cheerfulness. Function of food is debugged simply splendidly: with pleasure guzzles even bread and macaroni. And I give all this just like that, for good it is not a pity for people! Brandovy. Glitches are not present. It Apgreyditsya. Guarantee. The mouse identifies".

*****

Declaration of love on telefonu:
-Expensive! I cannot live more without you! I am ready to preserve you against all adversities of life... if you leave me, I will bypass in search of you all globe... I will cross the seas, the jungle and deserts...
I hot answer sobesednitsy:
-Oh, my love! Come now! I wait! I started undressing already!
-of Hypermarket... Only not today, - he muttered. - On the street a rain...

*****

One Jew came to rebe.
-to Reba, - he told, - at me in life everything is bad. Money is not present, the wife had a lover, children ceased to obey, friends betray … What to do to me, Reba? said:
-Write
REBE on a sheet of paper "So will be not always" and hang up on stenu.
cherez week the Jew again came to rebe.
-to Reba! - shining, he cried. - You were right! Life was adjusted! How I can thank you?
-do not remove a leaf, - answered Reba.

*****

One man comes to the friend and, surprised with purity in his apartment, asks:
-Who brought at you such order? My
-kot.
-Kot?
-Yes, at me very clever cat, cleaning for it are trifles, you try better as it gotovit.
posle the man speaks:
-Sell tastings to me a cat, any money not pozhaleyu.
vladelets a wonderful cat long broke, but eventually agreed to sell it for $5000. In two days the man calls "seller" and speaks:
-This cat does not clean and does not prepare but only spoils, tears up furniture and fades, what you sold to me for a vile koshatina? Listen to
-if you tell further about the cat such things, in life you will not sell it.

*****

The lonely brunette looks for the partner in life with serious namereniyami.
intim not to offer!

*****

Once the father having many children, the miner-stakhanovets Petrov, during all day off observed an image of life of the cat, and by the evening not to strangle him out of envy, threw out on the street...

*****

One blonde - drugoy:
-I finally was disappointed in life. It is impossible to trust anything. Opened a door on which there was an inscription "Gentlemen", and there was a toilet!

*****

One lady to diversify matrimonial life constantly read the corresponding literature. And here somewhere it found that if before the orgasm to the man to put ice under a scrotum, the orgasm amplifies. She pinned ice and before the coition got a pan with ice and put near a bed, the husband without having warned. Here they come nearer to the final in a position standing behind, and the lady having taken a handful of ice pushes it between the placed feet in exactly under husband's economy. The effect surpassed all expectations the husband slightly completely did not go to the spouse's genitals. There is a woman did not think over one ticklish moment ice she took not in smooth cubes, and in sharp splinters. After everything the husband asks it: - You know, what such a catharsis?
-Full ochishcheniye.
-is correct. Just I was close to a catharsis. I could terminate and obkakatsya at the same time.

*****

One elderly couple decided to celebrate the 50 anniversary joint zhizni.
Wife:
-Darling, let's be passed in all places where we were 50 years nazad
v our honeymoon!?
husband :
-of Ugu!
Wife:
-Let's stop in the same motel where we spent pervuyu
brachnuyu night!?
husband :
-of Ugu!
Wife:
-Let's get up in a bed the same, as 50 years ago,
V the first night!
husband :
-of Ugu! Only now I will sit on the edge of a bed, cry and lament "I cannot, this too big, I cannot, this too big".

*****

One married couple celebrates the 75 anniversary joint zhizni.
ded asks babku:
-Listen, old, in 75 years we with you grew up ten sons. Explain to me why when all of them are similar at each other, the first differs from all others? You that, once changed me? You Know
-, the grandfather, sinned ya.
-Well and who the father of this first son?
-You.

*****

Once God called Adam and speaks:
- There are at me two news - good and bad. With what to begin?
-C good - tells Adam.
bog speaks:
-I have for your body two bodies. One is called reason and with ego
pomoshchyyu you will be very clever, will be able to create, and to have chudesnye
vzaimootnosheniya with Eve. Another is called a penis. He will allow tebe
vozmozhnost to create reasonable life and to occupy yours planetu.
- At you fine gifts for me, but what bad news? The matter is that when I you created
-, I gave you blood, for sure for works only of one body at the same time.