Jokes about life

Read funny Jokes about life

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The wife decided to commit suicide. Rose on a window sill before an open window and tells muzhu:
-to You me not to dissuade! I all the same will jump out of a window! I do not want to live with such ladies' man and the villain! Also stop to push me!

*****

Female nablyudeniye.
zhizn it is full of adversities and sufferings. Grief and hatred. Disappointments and treachery... Then, at last, you find
A that hairdresser who is necessary to you.

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The woman complains to the doctor of absolutely brutal behavior muzha
v sexual zhizni:
-Recently we made love to it, and at this moment razdalsya
zvonok at a door!
-I that, it threw you into such moment and went to open?!
-is worse, the doctor... It dragged me with itself(himself)

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Women speak: It is better to give rise to once, than all life to have a shave!
muzhchiny answer: Better all life to have a shave, than to be afraid to give rise to all life!

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Women share difficulties marriage zhizni:
- At me - the ladies' man, home night - after midnight is declared, kobel.
-would wash kobelirovat better, and he is a drunk, all to a thread propivayet.
- And at me, women, the husband - sifilitik.
-!!!
husband , passing mimo:
-Masha, I so many time spoke to you. Not the syphilitic, but philatelist.

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Women life flowers, them either in water, or to the earth!

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I live in poverty: cheese with a mold, wine old, the car without roof, phone without buttons.

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- Yes, life in general strange thingummy... Still yesterday it was mudaky and a deer who a horse-radish is not able to park and who tore off to you a lateral mirror on the parking about University, and already today he is your teacher of theoretical mecha

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Life is given to the person once, - Nikolay Ostrovsky told, - and to live ee
nado THERE that it was not painfully sick for aimlessly lived years that ne
zheg a shame for the podlenky and petty past...

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Life - game, but with cool graphics...
... I cannot pass in any way the level where I have a salary of 500 dollars.

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- Life begins at the time of pozhdeniya.
-Is not present, life begins at the moment zachatiya.
-Is not present, life begins when the wife with children leaves for giving.

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Life - as the train. You will follow at it ways - will crush, you will step aside slightly - will rush by.

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- Life - a continuous mistake, - was told by the Hedgehog, getting down from a clothes brush.

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The journalist interviews the retired captain,
-So, the captain, remember what to you was necessary to endure samuyu
strashnuyu a storm in the life?
stary the old salt, after some razdumya:
-I think that it happened when I spat in kitchen, kotoruyu
tolko that my wife washed up

*****

The cowboy comes into the bar. Approaches the bartender and orders to itself viski:
-Happen in situation lives which cannot be explained.... (drinks off)
prosit to repeat...
-Happen in situation lives which cannot be explained.... (drinks off)
Tak some time repeats. At last, the bartender not vyderzhal:
-It that for situations such??? You see I wanted
-with utretsa a milk today...
NU, went I to milk a cow. Obtained a bucket, an it, a knot, take yes stubs it the left foot...
NU, I tied the left foot to a stall... Obtained one more bucket... It his right foot brushed away
A... Tied
Ya and this foot to an opposite wall of a table...
nadoil again a bucket, an it on it a tail e%anula...
Ya a tail to a ceiling a belt from trousers prikrepil.
zdes trousers fall down and this minute the wife enters...
byvayut in situation lives which cannot be explained with words...

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At breakfast the husband tells the wife a dream which saw last nochyyu.
-Understand, to me dreamed that I died and moved on the way to paradise. At the beginning of a ladder Jacob handed me a piece of
mela and told that I on each step noted on a sin which made in life. And here when I am
otmetil already some steps, suddenly I see - You go down...
-That, did not let me there?
-Is not present, expensive, you went down to take still a piece of chalk.

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Starts the car, and it is sad says:
-Life - gavno!

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The director of studies summons Vovochka and asks:
-Why you again fought in the dining room?
Vovochka molchit
-Cannot only be taken in lives as you, sometimes it is necessary and to give... I and made
-A. At first I gave it a clip, and then took away its roll.

*****

Birthday of the wife ended. Remained a lot of binge and snack. The wife left for work in the morning.
vecherom comes. Anything is not present. Only drunk husband .
-Where vodka? Where salads and all other?...
-A you that thought, you - left, and life after that stopped?.

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Occupation on military kafedre:
-Is the Kalashnikov. It has in length from a front sight to a butt 56 centimeters, and from a butt to a front sight 73 santimetra.
-It cannot be! I Explain
-on an example from life: From Wednesday to Friday how many days? And from Friday to Wednesday?!

*****

The hare and Bear cub discuss our crisis time.
-Well, the Hare, how are you doing?
-Yes I hammered together ensemble, on drums Laba, and, whether will believe, bashlyat! Is enough for a family, and creative self-realization,
ponimayesh... And you as, clumsy?
-A at me an apiary, here I think a brand of the honey to untwist. And all anything, one only does not give rest... You after all know the Hedgehog? You remember what he is a visionary and the inventor? And so it it is now deep in an ass... With
-Eh, the Bear cub, I sympathize! And you at the proctologist were not?

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The hare sits and is engaged in a masturbation. Having finished business, he pours to himself in a glass of mineral water, drinks it and speaks:
-Yes! This life - women, champagne!.

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The hare (Z) sits on an edge is going to nail a jamb from bushes an elk (L)
L here - a hare you that hemp smoke?
Z - well, and what?
L - yes you the fool it is necessary to breathe air, life naslozhdatsya.
zayats thought, thought and solved yes a pancake an elk of the rights I will not kumarit more. Well goes on lesu
vozdukhom breathes life enjoys the fox (Li) watches a jamb prikolachevayet.
z - a fox you that hemp smoke?
LI - well, and what?
Z - yes you the silly woman it is necessary to breathe air, life naslazhdatsya.
l - thought, thought and speaks: yes a hare you will not be right bolshe.
idut they on the wood air breathe life enjoy, look the wolf with a bear (M) sits neigh on all les.
z - You that smoked?
M - well, and what?
Z - yes vydurak it is necessary to breathe air, life naslazhdatsya.
m - and to you it is an elk told?
Z - well, and you from where know?
M - yes it is the fool how to be smoked always same declares

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Hare threatening a snowman with the hair dryer: "Carrot or life!"

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Call to service spaseniya:
-Urgently send rescuers! The cat broke into my house!
-E-e... What do you mean? Cat? How it?
- The Cat, you understand, the CAT!!! He entered my house by violence and goes to me!
-Minute, you want to tell, what the thief of cats broke into your house?
-Is not present, no! Real cat! Which speaks "meow"! My life in serious danger!
-But how the ordinary cat can endanger yours life? Who in general at phone???
-Cretins, is a parrot at phone! Urgently rescuers!!!

*****

Business means was so: The Jew goes abroad.
-As that is lucky with itself kartinu.
na Soviet tomozhne:
-What is it?? Same the Leader's portrait, even outside the Homeland I not mogu
predstavit the life without Vladimir Ilyich Lenina.
na Israeli tamozhne:
-What is it?
-As that? Same gold frame!!!
-Type from a serpentarium.

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The son-in-law with the mother-in-law the tea is drunk. The mother-in-law aloud razmyshlyaet:
-Here after all as life quickly flies - it seems not so long ago was born, and already and it is time to die soon...
ZYAT:
-Is time, oh, a time.

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... And I decided not to despair, after all my sexual life - in my hands!

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There is a Great Patriotic War. Summer 1943. One eskadrilya
istrebiteley began to sustain big losses. Komesk and the party organizer in horror,
letat nobody. Went to the next zone, took strong children,
obuchili. Now convicts fly, losses are not present, one pobedy.
nachalstvu it became interesting, in what a secret. Caught the hit Fritz,
priveli on interrogation. Komesk also speaks, explain a pier why takaya
situation, I will present life. The German and speaks:
-Yes we sat down on your radio wave. Earlier everything was clear. The third,
trety, cover me, I attack. We at first forced down the third, and potom
vedushchego. And I was brought down today, so in general devilry on air byla.
slyshu in naushnikakh:
-"A jack, a jack, cover us with the Ace, we this goat pid*rasit
budem."

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There is Vovochka along a corridor at school and pulls along the globe his Marya Ivanovna and speaks:
-meets Vladimir you where with the globe gathered.??
-Yes so... in general not kuda.
-Is not present well after all.
-... in a toilet Vovochka.-answers sadly.
-A why to you in a toilet with the globe was required??? Know
-. Maria Ivanovna come in life the moment when there is a wish to shit for the whole world.....

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There is a Wolf on the wood. Sees - the Hare for ears to a branch privyazan.
- The Hare! You che do?
-Yes here, zadolbat life. Solved povesitsya.
-Who so is hung up, for a neck nado.
-Yes tried, I choke.

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There is an offset on L. Tolstoy's work "Anna Karenina". The student long and tiresomely tells about Vronsky's life. The teacher was tired slushat.
-you told About the hero of the novel enough. Now tell about geroine.
student ozhivlyaetsya.
-Heroin - a strong thing. And why you ask about it?

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There is a father and the daughter on the desert with a camel and the tribe of nomads appears a chest sokrovishch.
vidyat - on the horizon - piratov.
otets became sad. The daughter asks - in what delo.
otets answers that now from it will take away everything that he pressed back-breaking toil for all life. Then the daughter and speaks:
- The Father, and let me hide this sunduk.
-Where you will hide him in the desert?
-agreed There where can hide real zhenshchina.
otets. Nomads rode, searched the father and the daughter, found nothing, took away a camel and uskakali.
idut they on the desert are farther. The father is not cheerful still bolshe.
-That you long the father, after all I preserved for you a chest with sokrovishchami.
-It is a pity that with us there is no your mother, so and a camel kept.

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There is World War I. On the hill with the suite there is a tsar Nicholas II and watches maneuvers of the troops. Suddenly near the tsar the shell and shipit.
vse opeshili.
podbegayet the soldier falls, the shell is enough, throws aside - there is an explosion!
Bce got. After a while rise, all zhivy.
tsar shook off the earth, looked at the soldier and speaks:
- At Idi here. How call?
-Private Ivanov!
-Here that the private, you to me saved life. I will thank you. Tell the desire!
TSAR I or not the tsar?
soldat thought, thought and speaks:
-I Want to marry the daughter Sherementyev's column! About kak.
-Hm. All right. The column to me!
podkhodit of columns, and the tsar to it speaks:
-Graf, here the colonel Ivanov wishes to marry your daughter? You will tell
ChTO?
-Pardon, your Majesty, some colonel? They at me under the house stacks lezhat.
ne it is serious!
-is fine, the colonel general Ivanov, offers your daughter a hand and serdtse.
chto you on it will tell?
-is not serious! Some general-...
-is good, the field marshal Ivanov wishes to take in wives Vashu doch.
chto you on it will tell, Graf?
soldat approached the tsar, Kolya put to it a hand on a shoulder and speaks:
- And send you it on figs, what we to ourselves with such ranks of women will not find?

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There is down the street an old man, years 120. The young girl approaches it i
asks:
- The Grandfather, and the grandfather and how you managed to live to a ripe old age?
VY, likely, in the life was never smoked?
-E. e, devonka. You see that haystack - so I approximately in two raza
bolshe vykuril.
- Then, likely, you did not drink vodka gram?
-A you see that twig, and so I drank approximately twice bolshe.
-So you, likely, with girls - @-@?
-you See a tree costs, and near it a braid? Well I see
-, and at what here a braid?
- And so to me death came - so I so ottrakhat it that ona
kosu forgot.

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There is a lesson at school. Topic of the lesson: "As my grandmother struggled with fascists" .
vstayet Mashenka and speaks:
-my grandmother was a nurse and saved life to 10 wounded fighters,
vytashchiv them from a field boya.
vstayet Pavlik and speaks:
- At me the grandmother was the teacher and saved lives of 30 first graders, their
uvedya from under bombyozhki.
Vovochka podnimayetsya:
- And my grandmother was in the enemy back and infected with syphilis 100
nemetskikh soldiers!

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There is a Chukchi lengthways reki.
vidit the geologist sinks, hands mashet:
-Rescue, help... To
uvidel chukchu:
- The Chukchi, help! The Chukchi, rescue!
chukcha rassuditelno:
- And what to me, however, from geologists will be?
geologu already everything, almost kranty:
-Anything to you, Chukchi... Boole... Boole... will be... Boole... Help rather! The Chukchi of the geologist and in camp brought
vytashchil. Remunerations trebuyet:
-However, the geologist obeshchal.
-Che promised you?
-Promised anything. Anything the geologist You promised dat.
-in the right mind, the native? Thanks that, of course. Saved life. But, on etom
all! Go away in the of plagues!
obidelsya Chukchi. Decided to find a justice on the geologist. Went to nachalniku
ekspeditsii:
- The Big geologist! Yours promised to give the geologist to me ANYTHING!!! And itself takaya
the greedy! The bad word calls, however, sends to three letters, here! He ty promised
-of That?
-of Anything, however...
-Close eyes, the Chukchi... You see Che?
-of Anything, however...
-So take away a couple and. ...!!!

*****

There is an examination on dialectic matheralizmu:
-Somebody the bribe-taking Prosecutor can give a vital example of unity and fight protivopolozhnostey.
-.

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Go the daughter with the father from a crematorium and bear in a ballot box ashes deceased teshchi.
dochka speaks:
-Fathers, give this ballot box we will put on a piano and when I play,
EY will be pleasant - after all during lifetime she liked me to listen...
OTETS:
-Is not present, the daughter. We will fill up it in hourglasses, let, a bough,
eshche will work!