Jokes about life

Read funny Jokes about life

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Sit the man with the mother-in-law in the room. The mother-in-law aloud razmyshlyaet:
-Here after all life quickly flies - it seems not so long ago was born, and already i
umirat it is time soon...
husband :
-Is time, it is time...

*****

Two old Jews sit, talk for life. In kitchen the wife of one of nikh.
razgovor strives came about women, one half-whisper, is confidential asks:
-Sam, and how many at you all beat women?
SEMA reflected and is proud, with half-whisper answers: - 25!
IZ of kitchen is audible Sara's voice (ironically):
-of Sem, ask you not how many times at you was, and how many women!

*****

- Tell, and the gas mask does not stir your intimate life? - Well you, on the contrary! First, the wife is silent, secondly, I do not see her face, well and thirdly when I close the valve, she starts moving a little bit.

*****

Tell, and the gas mask does not stir your intimate life?
-Well you, on the contrary! First, the wife is silent, secondly, I do not see her face, well and thirdly when I close the valve, she starts moving a little bit.

*****

Listen, Dig as to teach the girl to float? - asked KON.
-About - Roy pensively told, - it is necessary to put the right hand to it on a tummy the left hand, gently, on buttocks, pushing for buttocks, stroking a breast... Take
-of Lines, Roy, it is my sister! - KON.
-was indignant And... then throw off it from the mooring!

*****

- Listen, Dig how to teach the girl to float? - asked KON.
-Oh, - Roy pensively told, - it is necessary to put the right hand to it na
zhivotik, the left hand, gently, on buttocks, pushing for buttocks,
poglazhivaya a breast...
-Devil take it, R

*****

With me in Odessa, at biology faculty the mass of foreigners studied!
He all could utter Laotian names, such as Engsavanka Papkhavong, but Pkh@y Siksidao pleased us! Black Bonifatsy Namdi lived near Chilean Mauricio Mac Pots, and the favourite we had Mudilo Armando of Zhoes!!! You Will tell
byvayet to it so privetlivo:
-as life, Mudila? - and he tells...

*****

Councils of the sexologist. If your husband badly copes with the matrimonial duties, try to whisper periodically minutes of proximity to him on an ear: "Klyuyot! or "Cut!". Perhaps, its sharp starts will bring some variety your sexual life.

*****

Sociological poll: "How the martial law influences family life?" The most popular answer: "Very well! a) The wife in a gas mask is silent all the time. b) I under a gas mask do not see a face of the wife. c) And if being in a bed a hole in a cylinder to stop up, she even can move".

*****

Thanks to those who entered my life and made it fine... Separate thanks to those who left it and made it even better...!

*****

Two Jews argue:
-Black is tsvet.
-Is not present, black is not tsvet.
-Yes I speak to you, black is tsvet.
-Yes never in life! Precisely I tell
-, black is tsvet.
-Anything podobnogo.
-All right, we will go we will ask the rabbi that the Torah about it speaks.
poshli to the rabbi. That looked in the Torah and speaks:
-Yes, in the Torah is told that black is tsvet.
-Here! I told you so? Black is a color!
-is fine, black it is color. But not belyy.
-That? White not color? White is a color!!!
-Is not present, white is not tsvet.
-As so, white not color? From what it is a time?
-Here so, not color and vse.
-is fine, we will go we will ask the rabbi that the Torah about it speaks.
opyat went to the rabbi. That again looked in Tore:
- The Torah says, what white is tsvet.
pervy the Jew, radostno:
-Well? I told you so? I sold you the COLOR TV!

*****

The priest, the priest and the rabbi argue: "When life begins? "
- At the time of conception, - speaks ksendz.
- At the time of the birth, - speaks pop.
-E, - the rabbi speaks, - life begins when the wife takes with herself children and leaves for giving.

*****

God to paradise to Adam and Eve went down and speaks: "I have my children for you two gifts. But you have to solve what coma dostanetsya.
pervy a gift - should be written a gift. "
ADAM started jumping, running, begging, saying that all life dreamed about etom.
eva ustupila.
adam he ran on all Eden garden, ssal everywhere and on all: on trees, on florets, on small insects, on stones...
dolgo were watched by Bog and Eve at it bezumiye.
eva approached God and asked: "But there was still the second gift. What it? "
" Mozgi, Eve, brains... But also this gift should be given to Adam, a that it all obossyt here!"

*****

Quarrel of the husband and zheny:
-spoiled All life! Look at
- At yourself better! You as on kitchen come, so at cockroaches birth rate falls

*****

The USSR, Leningrad, the sixtieth gody.
s the purpose of monitoring of knowledge of the Soviet pupils in all areas of life,
KGB sent in the first school special obuchennogo
proveryayushchego. Proveryayushchiy:
-Tell children who from you knows, what such barrel?
Bce molchat.
- And who knows, what such dollar?
Bce molchat.
- And who knows, what such the dialectician?
TUT from a back school desk rises Vovochka and speaks:
- The Barrel is a barrel of oil, the dollar is a currency of the United States,
A of the dialectician... Well, here for example, if oil costs 20 dollarov
za barrel,
TO Russia is a raw appendage of the West. And if 120, already Zapad
yavlyaetsya tovaroproizvodyashchy appendage of Russia. This - dialectics.

*****

We stand with the fellow worker we smoke and we fray nasushchoy
i he speaks about life: "Here week will be, the mother-in-law comes. Now not to smoke. "
Ya to it: "So it seems on a balcony smoke. "
EGO the answer killed me: "Yes she will live there. "
B to a smoking-room stupor????? all look it, and it as if izinyayas: "A balcony in that room where she will lodge."

*****

The student learned all tickets on philosophy, but did not go for examination because life does not make sense and all people of a pawn in it.

*****

The student of conservatory removed the first in life apartment and in a week calls mother and complains of neighbors: "One sobs all day, another lies in a bed and groans, a still is the guy who fights the head about a wall". You keep
-from them far away, the sonny, - advises mat.
- And I so and I do. I sit the whole day at myself in the room and I play a pipe.

*****

The student 20 with small got years under the bus, and - to death. Regained consciousness in the next world. In a chair opposite saw someone, similar to the person, but shining from within infrared svetom.
-Gde I?
You in a hell, the sonny. But be not afraid in advance, here actually it is much better, than describe there, on the earth. Here you in life smoked?
student looks down: - Yes, курил.
- Well means, on Mondays for you there will be a holiday. It at us day of smoking. A choice - huge, from a tube and makhorka to expensive cigars and a hookah. We smoke all Monday, until late at night. Both to a pofig asthma and a cancer - You after all already died! And you liked to drink?
student hangs the head: - Not without it...
- At- At! Then prepare for holidays on Tuesdays! This day we drink everything, since the morning, from beer and light wines to the most hard liquor: moonshine and alcohol. And to spit on a liver: you after all already died! And how about drugs?
student reddens: - Yes, happened!
Well, you will have fun on Wednesdays! At us it is day of drugs, from the lungs, to heroin and heavy synthetics. You want - be pricked, you want - smoke, and be not afraid neither withdrawal pains, nor an overdose, cops - You after all already died! And with women?
student quickens: - And as!
Then you will come off on Thursdays! It at us day of general sex. The matter is that women in a hell in 10 times more, than men, and you will have a superchoice! And there everyone do not even remember syphilis - You after all already died! But whether there was you blue?
student is thrown up: - No that you!
-M - yes - sss... Here Fridays then will become for you the real hell!

*****

The Black student from Russia writes the letter home roditelyam.
-Zdravstvuyte, my dear mother and the father. How you live there? I hope that is good. And my life here the unimportant. When the winter was still green, I suffered but when it became white...

*****

The student asks at professora:
- The Teacher, in your life everything worked well, or you would like to change something?
-See these regiments with books? In total they were written by me... And when I was 16 years old, I got acquainted with the wonderful girl, and we went to a mow. But at us it turned out nothing, all of us time failed in hay. So, here, if to take ten these books and to put it then under buttocks...

*****

The student of philological faculty of MSU got to a mental hospital. The psychiatrist asks ego:
-As you, old man, reached life such? Well understand
-, at the first year I very much rejoiced to that round me is so much beautiful girls. On the second year when they started prattling at me about the, about female, everything was normal. When on a third year they at me measured new jeans and skirts, I had no anything against. When on the fourth year they started discussing with me details of the intimate life, I suffered but when on the fifth year dreamed me that at me stockings spread, here I did not sustain!

*****

The student of university Rosi Reid which exposed on Internet аукцион
свою virginity to pay study - at last overslept s
chelovekom, offered it the highest price. It appeared them razvedennyy
muzhchina, at the age of 44 years, having two children. He paid студентке
$20500. This sum will allow Rosi to continue training in Universitete
bristolya After stays in prison of Bristol the put 7 years za
prostitutsiyu.

*****

Students are very similar to cows: when they try to find more time of private life, at them appear hvost;y when they try to find more time for study, at them appear roga; and when they try to do both, they kick the bucket!

*****

Knock in dver:
-lives Rabinovich Here?
golos because of dveri:
-Unless is life?

*****

- So, the young man where want to serve?
- In - So, the young man where want to serve?
-B air defense! Take in air defense! I want to serve in air defense!
-A from what it at you a nervishka are so strongly loosened, do not get enough sleep,

*****

The mother-in-law - to the son-in-law: - I would give half-lives for this color TV. On the following utro
v to the room of the mother-in-law there were two color TVs.

*****

Mother-in-law: - Ungrateful, my daughter gave you the best years of the life!
ZYAT: - My God, really the worst still ahead?!.

*****

There was a Hedgehog to the river which coast almost thawed in heavenly milk in the quiet, early foggy morning. Suddenly sees - the fisherman sits with a rod. There is slowly a Hedgehog to his party and mutters to himself under nos:
-Here now I will approach the fisherman and I will tell it: hi, the fisherman, well, pecks? And he will tell me, the Hedgehog, not klyuyot, but you know, the Hedgehog, after all it and does not matter... and we to it will talk about fishing, about silence and mysteriousness of whirlpools... no! no! I will approach and I will tell: hi, fisherman, how to you this wonderful morning? and he will tell me: yes, the Hedgehog, morning really fine - and we with it will behold blades and far trees through this magic wattage, to look how slowly and inevitably the river moves and to tell "daa"... no, no! I will tell, hi, the fisherman! Well as to you this life? And he will tell me: life is fine and surprising, the Hedgehog. And we will talk a little about life, its riddles, and we will look at water, understanding a river essence. .
C such thoughts approaches the Hedgehog to rybaku:
-Hi, the fisherman!
-of Idi you on x., hedgehog!
YOZHIK, having clicked fingers: - Too option...

*****

Three women: bryunetka
tri women: the brunette, red and the blonde - die in road accident i
okazyvayutsya before the apostle Pyotr which him speaks:
-Now I will set each of you the same question which vy
dolzhny to answer honestly, will depend on it where you will go: v
ray or in ad.
zatem it asks a question bryunetke:
-Answer me, washing the daughter, whether enough you made dobra during lifetime?
bryunetka:
-Ya I think that for all the life more than a dobra made, than zla.
i the apostle Pyotr passes it to paradise. Then it asks a question ryzhey:
-Answer me, washing the daughter, whether enough you made dobra during lifetime?
RYZHAYA:
-Ya I think, what for all the life more than a dobra made, than zla.
i her Saint Pyotr too passes to paradise then sets vopros
blondinke:
-Answer me, washing the daughter, whether enough you made dobra during lifetime?
blondinka:
-Ya I think …
I right there fails in an underworld.

*****

Three vital periods of each woman: in the first it irritates the father, in the second - to the husband, and in the third - to the son-in-law. Will carry to my future husband - the wife and the beauty, and the clear head, and prepares well, well and lies not bad...

*****

Three prostitutes sit in the bar, and one complains ostalnym:
-unsuccessful day Today... I earned only $100 - took v
rot 4 times for $50, and a half was taken away by the souteneur...
other answers ey:
-It still anything - I earned $50 today - only 2 cocksucking of »«
$50, and too a half to the souteneur...
sidyashchaya nearby the old prostitute zayavlyaet:
-you do not know that such bad life... In times of Velikoy
depressii sometimes it was necessary to me on 10 times a day delat
minet free of charge, only to have in pishchu
chto-nibud more hotly...

*****

Three men after death get to paradise. There they are met by the apostle Pyotr and speaks:
- At us here such order: anybody on foot does not go, all go by something. And on what - depends on, whether
mnogo of people sinned during lifetime. Here you (addresses to the first man) how many times fooled around?
-of Times 50, probably... It is a lot of
-, you are a sinner. Here to you Zaporozhets, also go by him. And you (addresses to the second man)
skolko?
-of Times 5...
-Well, it still anything. Here to you Volga. And you (addresses to the tety man)?
-Yes never, even in thoughts was not!
-Here you are the real Christian. Here to you for Ferrari merits, vladey.
nu, they parted. After a while the first two meet the third, he parked the car also
sidit gloomy. It sprashivayut:
-You that such sad, at you has those what wheelbarrow, rejoice! Yes, a wheelbarrow it is good
-... Only I here just on rollers met the wife...

*****

At the Armenian radio sprashivayut:
-That the saying - "Exactly" means? otvechayet:
-Definitely we do not know
armyanskogo of radio. But it is very similar to intimate life of Liliputians.

*****

At the hostess started talking kot.
khozyayka:
-to live as to you, to cats, zhivetsya.
nichego you do not do, you are fed, care about tebe.
- Then I suggest the son to drown, to lull the grandmother, and to castrate the father that from the house did not run.

*****

At one woman was three docheri.
kogda senior from them married and was going to move to the husband,
mat asked her that that wrote to it about intimate zhizni.
through 2 days it the letter consisting of the unique word comes: "Nescafe" .
mama at first understood nothing, but then incidentally came across in the newspaper the advertizing "Nescafe":
-Satisfaction to a last straw, - and very much was delighted for doch.
potom the average daughter married, and mother asked it about that zhe.
through week from the daughter the letter comes: "Benson & Hedges" .
mama started looking for advertizing corresponding sigaret.
vskore it found its text in the newspaper: "Extra Long, King size", - and again obradovalas.
nakonets came turn younger docheri.
ta only in a month sends the letter consisting of one phrase: .
mat finds "British Airways" advertizing of airline in the newspaper and faints, having read it tekst:
-Three times a day, seven days in a week, in all directions!

*****

- How at you family life? Only it is honest! You feel the wife's elbow?
-I a shoulder, and an elbow, but only on a visit, and if we sit next.

*****

At the aunt the husband all life was engaged in black magic. Before death it to it speaks:
-I will die tomorrow but if I learn that you sleep after my death with other man - I will be dug out of a grave, I will come to you and I will strangle!
UMER. Next day his wife overslept with all with whom uspela.
eyo sprashivayut:
-you are not afraid? After all he and the truth will be dug out - will strangle! Start up
-digs! I its paunch buried down!

*****

The convinced bachelor speaks drugu:
-Women - worse than gangsters!
-It why?
-Because gangsters demand: "Purse or life?" And zhenshchiny
trebuyut both that, and another!