Jokes about life

Read funny Jokes about life

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Vovochka, the boy lyubolytny, lies with mother on a beach, twists the head,
MAMA and why here uncles in swimming trunks at whom have more at whom pomenshe.
mama turning over from a stomach on spinu:
-Leave alone, the fidget, it as in life who is richer who pobednee.
Vovochka:
-Mothers, mothers, you look, the uncle looks at you and grows rich.

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- Vovochka, give an example of how in real life the saying "one for all - all for one" is confirmed.
-Khodorkovsky on plank beds, the others on Canary Islands.

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- Vovochka, how many will be two plus two?
-Five, Marivanna!
-A three plus three?
-Seven!
-of Vovochk, even you do not understand addition, all the time the sum overestimate! Kem
ty you want to be? It will be difficult in life! Sit down, Chu

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The wolf ran from hunters and got stuck between two birches, and cannot vybratsya.
mimo there is a hare in any way. The Braid Volk:
-, help to get out, got stuck!
-A you twitch more feasibly, can you will get out?
VOLK twitched twitched, it is impossible, weakened absolutely. Zayats:
-Well, a bough gray, you remember as you beat me? Well everything, came hour rasplaty.
i with these words otperdolit a wolf in an ass. Volk:
-Well a braid, well a reptile, I will get out - I will kill!
A a hare went to itself quietly further. The wolf looks foxes idet.
volk:
-Red, help to get out, got stuck, I cannot get out moreover and the hare in an ass otperdolit if you help - a hare together sozhrem.
- And remember as you beat me on excite and on the wood drove? Now pay off!
I of a wolf in an ass otperdolit, two times. Wolf all in beshenstve:
-Well, the swine red, say goodbye to life, I will get out - ubyyu.
koroche all wood tore off a wolf on full programme.
i here at the end of day the wolf between two birches hangs, the ass full of death, all in death, by goes a hedgehog. Ezhik:
-Grey, what happened, you that hang here?
-Bang a hedgehog, then I will tell.

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The wolf came every day to the Fox and in her perverted form trakhal.
ustala red to suffer such mockeries, and to protect it not komu.
i then she decided to address to the king of beasts of Lvu.
-That want do Lyova, but I will not sustain such mockeries any more!
LIBO, you, will stop the Wolf, or I will take the own life!
razgnevanny the Lion calls the Wolf and speaks:
-You, what a reptile gray create? To what brought poor Lisonka? She already wants to take the own life! Stop, and that business with me budesh
imet! That you want
-do with me, Lev, - the Wolf answers, - but without red me
zhizni is not present! I cannot without it! I love it more life. Or it, libo
ya I will take the own life!
zadumalsya Lev. Both so, and so badly it turns out. Thought-thought, i
pridumal. Causes both on Sunday and declares imperial verdikt.
-Here to you, Grey, Mondays are your lawful day, and v
ostalnye days of week, that on a gun shot to the Fox not podkhodil.
ponyal?
-Well understood, Volk.
- And you, Red answers, agrees?
-Agrees. One day to sustain mozhno.
na volume and poreshili.
prikhodit the Wolf on Monday to the Fox and speaks:
-Well, Red, give!
DALA. The contract is more expensive than money. The Wolf on following den:
-Well, Red comes, give! As give
-? We agreed on Mondays?!
-A I on account of Monday the next week!
delat nothing. Dala.
prikhodit the Wolf in sredu:
-Well Red give! As give
-? We agreed on Mondays, and today Wednesday?! You note
- There somewhere, I on account of in 2 Mondays nedeli.
tak also was moved the Wolf to the Fox every day to go to the account ponedelnikov
sleduyushchikh nedel.
prokhodit some time. Lev Lisu and asks:
-Well as meets, Lisonka, became easier? What
-is easier there?! Ebyot, as well as ebat, only accounts departments it was added!

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Here, you speak - a healthy lifestyle, and I on another will tell you: My grandfather, the cleverest, by the way, person, drank all life vodka instead of tea, a cigarette from teeth did not take out, and women for all life perelyubit - for ten would be enough much. Lived till ninety years and still lives. And the brother its native, the twin, drank only milk, to smoke even did not think, women had no and died at three-months age. So that's that.

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Here, you speak - a healthy lifestyle, and I on another will tell you: My grandfather, the cleverest, by the way, person, drank all life vodka instead of tea, a cigarette from teeth did not take out, and women for all life perelyubit - for ten would be enough much. Lived till ninety years and still lives. And the brother its native, the twin, drank only milk, to smoke even did not think, women had no and died at three-months age. So that's that.

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- You say that cartoons do not affect the life. And many people still eat a sandwich sausage down just because one cartoon cat said so delicious ...

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The doctor - patsiyentu:
-you have to refuse immediately from sweet, bakery products, any alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, to reduce sexual contacts to a minimum... Yes, and the most important - enjoy life, my dear more!

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Two friends (1)(2).
(1) - Well how are you doing?
(2) - Yes anything met. Here at last found the girl. I think on it zhenitsya.
(1) - You, a pancake, do not marry, you will not check yet - the girl it or not! 80
(2) - And how it? - And you make
(1) so: at first buy Champagne there, chocolate, still something, invite her to yourself. Pour wine, include a music, will drink and - fill up it sharply on a sofa! And if becomes puzzled, the girl, and is not present - so precisely шл$ %xa.
(2) - All right, poppobuyu.
vstpechayutsya through nedelyu.
(1) - Well as?!
(2) - the Pancake, I marry! Precisely, girl! I all as you ordered made. And when filled up!
OY, it so became puzzled!, so became puzzled!, what even enclosed a pillow not under the head, and under ж$ %u.

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Three old girlfriends met. It is a lot of years not videlis.
-Well, how are you? - ask pervuyu.
-Not bad. I have a husband general.
- And how many years?
-65.
-A as intimate life?
-U it is aide-de-camps, young ofitsery.
- And you how are you? - asked druguyu.
-Perfectly! I have a husband professor.
-How old is he? - 70.
-A as you manage?
-Is graduate students, junior researchers. And zhivu.
- And how are you? - ask tretyyu.
-I too bl*d, only am not married.

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Two men meet. One asks: how life?
perfectly! bought an elephant: children delighted, the wife adores it, beds waters, on a roof of a log drags, a well chistit.
-Potryasayushche! Listen, sell, a?
-Is not present, it it seems as the member semyi.
-Well, please!
-Horosho.
through mesats:
-Well, how elephant?
-Horror! Crushed all beds, broke a roof, in a well of N @@@@ l! All house in @@@ e, children in horror, the wife from the room does not vykhodit.
-Net, with such mood you an elephant not prodash!

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The student of the teacher of a tower of years through eight posle
okonchaniya higher education institution meets, got to talking, remembered time former. Professor
asks:
-Here I read you three years the higher mathematics, tell, in life moi
znaniya sometime were useful to you?
student, podumav:
- And after all was one sluchay.
-Very interestingly, tell, I at lectures will tell it, chto
vysshaya mathematics not such abstract science and in life happens nuzhna.
- There was I somehow down the street, and to me the hat a wind in a pool was blown off. So I vzyal
kusok a wire, bent it in the form of integral and a hat got!

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Two girlfriends meet: - Well, how family life? - My husband fine began to help the last two weeks: looks after children, cooks food, goes shopping, cleans the apartment, erases... - Darling as you achieved it? - You see he read in the magazine article that. If the hostess not really is tired, she actively behaves in sexual life. - Well and how, it helped? - Frankly speaking, I do not know. By the end of day it hardly reaches a bed.

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Two friends who were not seeing each other much let.
-Monya meet! How are you doing? How are you?
-Everything is all right, Ben. And how at you?
-is fine. Listen, my Fima marries in following subbotu.
ya would like that you came on svadbu.
-About! With pleasure!
-is wonderful. You know where there is our synagogue? And so, from it - tretiy
povorot on the left, then the second to the right and again the third on the left. You reach to nomera
43 and you call elbows in zvonok.
-to Call elbows? Why?
-Well... so you after all will be with gifts?.

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Two meet evreya:
-How are you doing?
-do not ask! Shit!
through year they again vstrechayutsya.
-Well, and now as? You remember
-last year? So it was jam!

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Meet 2 podruzhki.
-Hi, Svetka how affairs?
-Yes is quite good, Katya, only endlessly a stomach bolit.
-Well, it h@ynya, I for example endlessly cannot live at all.

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Two friends, one of them with two color televizorami.
-Why to you two meet?
- The Mother-in-law told that half-lives will give for the color TV!

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Three women - the Englishwoman, the Frenchwoman and the Russian - all three meet for about a year as is married, well and let's brag about the zhizni:
frantsuzhenka:
-Oh, babonk, I so cool settled - in the first day to the husband told - I will not erase, I will not iron, be cleaned and prepare - too. It did not see day, the second, third, on the fourth was, dragged the car - it is cleaned, irons, prepares, erases! The miracle is simple! I also told
anglichanka:
-I. It did not see day, the second, third... In a week too dragged the car - it is cleaned, irons, prepares, erases! And I have a rest...
russkaya:
- And I, girlfriends, also told. It did not see day, the second, third, fourth... On the fifth saw whom the right eye is sensitive began to see...

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Three school girlfriends in ten years after shkoly.
sidyat in cafe meet, drink, questions ask who as settled in zhizni.
pervaya speaks:
-I am married for akademikom.
- And how old is he?
-Vosemdesyat.
-A as sexual life?
-Well at it young reviewers est.
posideli kept silent. Vtoraya:
- And I am married for generalom.
- And how many to the general of years?
-Yes under vosemdesyat.
- And how sexual life? Well young aide-de-camps est.
i ask
-it tretyyu:
- And you as?
-A I too bl@d, is only not married.

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World War II. Winter of the 1941st. Ours come. Suddenly the forward line of attack runs into the German pillbox, from there scribbles a machine gun and stops passing well nelzya.
ataka in any way. Command does not know what to do. Suddenly see that the group of guerrillas sideways approaches a pillbox and one of them suddenly falls on a pillbox closes himself a machine gun and, naturally, perishes. Ours fast break and take a pillbox and standing behind it derevnyu.
through 2 weeks. Conduct on execution of that German that sat in a pillbox and shot at ours. Our war correspondent approaches it and speaks:
(To) - You know, I am the correspondent of the Russian military newspaper, I want to write article about that hero who closed the body a machine gun and by that offered the life that anybody was not lost any more. Tell me please about nem.
(N) - Well I sit, I shoot from a machine gun at yours. Suddenly I see: the man, such dirty, unshaven, a rifle hangs on one side, a shinelka shabby... well I think - the guerrilla. Suddenly it take and it is direct on a machine gun and lyag.
(To) - Well, and he can something ayered death told? For the homeland there, for example, or for Stalin?
(H) - Well you know, I am not really strong in Russian, but in my opinion he told something it seems: "Oh, б#я! Е#аный ice!"

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- You have to take this medicine up to the end zhizni.
-But, the doctor, is written here: "To accept within two months"! I as told
-A...???

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- You became such kind! - the mother-in-law of the son-in-law praises - Even remembered that I spoke once about the readiness from to give five years of life for a small bottle of good champagne! Yes, here therefore I brought to
-even two bottles!

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- You became such kind! - the mother-in-law of the son-in-law-
DAZHE praises remembered that I spoke once about the readiness from-
dat five years of life for a small bottle of good champagne! Yes, here therefore I brought to
-even two bottles!

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- You are happy in the family life?
-Oh, yes! We so strong love each other that already three times postponed divorce!

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- Are you happy family life?
- Oh yeah! We have so much love each other, three times postponed divorce.

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Exhibition of military equipment in ….
K suit the American stand the interested - there is a miracle a suit, all with frills, in pockets, and - their guide explains with three buttons on a breast supposedly here a suit for the fighter of the American army, marching option, here such pockets, here syaky, besides three buttons - the 1st on a case if to the soldier will become hot, he will press it and at once the cooling system will turn on, will become cold to the soldier, he will press the second button - the heating system and if wound the soldier will join, then he will press the third button, and the whole two weeks the life support system will support him until it will find and give help.
podkhodyat to the Russian stand - also you see such suit with pockets in frills too, behind on a back the door is attached, and ahead three buttons. Our guide explains - here a suit for the Russian soldier marching option, here such pockets, here syaky, besides three buttons - the 1st on a case if to the soldier will become hot, he will press the first button, the door on a back will open, his draft and will blow, to the soldier will become cold, he will press the second button, the door on a back will slam and if kill the soldier so a door even the whole month will shoot back.

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Somewhere near Afghanistan. Vpredi goes the woman, she at decent distance is followed by the man and drags on himself an enormous bag with house utvaryyu.
dogonyaet their group of the armed people and having seen this picture, obaledvayut.
- The Woman, that that absolutely ох#$ла? In the Koran it is told that the woman has to go to a trace for the husband and bear all burdens of family life. And you? Having wiped
muzhik pot:
-Eeeeee when Allah wrote the Koran of minefields was not. Idi Zulfia.

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The general comes with check to part. All military constructed. The general zdorovayetsya:
-it is healthy, sonnies!
-of Gav, gav, gav, gav!
-How are you doing?
-of Gav, gav, gav, gav!
-A if is honest?
-U-u-u-u-u...

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The Lord created people. People asked: "In what there will be a sense of our life?"
gospod answered: "In anything, simply live". Pulled a string and people appeared on Zemle.
sledom the Lord created cows. Cows asked: "In what there will be a sense of our life?" "In anything", the Lord answered, pulled a string and cows appeared on zemle.
tak he the whole day worked, creating fauna. Was tired. By the time of when he created cats, nervishka were on a limit. Cats, as well as everything asked: "In what there will be a sense of our life?" But to god was not to them any more, he shouted to the assistant: "Valerian!" also pulled a rope.

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Two Jewish businessmen met at restaurant at the initiative of one of them. Invited the beginnings besedu:
-I Want to offer you a good bargain. When I had a rest in Florida, stopped by in the town where there is for the winter a vagrant circus. Also got at them an elephant. And now I can concede you it for 3 thousand baksov.
- And what I will do with this elephant? I live in the multi-storey building, in the apartment the place just for decoration is hardly enough. I cannot even squeeze a dining table. And me still an elephant to buy?
-A of three elephants for 2 pieces?
-Oh, this already business conversation!

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vracha:
-Know two, I have a patient who according to all diagnoses had to die ten years ago, and he still zhiv.
-Just about if the person really wants to live, the medicine is powerless!

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Two convicts sentenced to life imprisonment discuss matrimony problems: - You are married? - No, I preferred freedom.

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Two men share impressions about their family zhizni.
pervyy:
"Listen, every time when I come back home late from the mistress,
Ya I am stolen as a cat, I try not to jingle the keys and I do everything that ne
razbudit the wife, and she all the same wakes up and rows till the morning. Obviously you something do "
VTOROY:
" not so! I come home to a board drunk, I turn on the light and the music everywhere, I push the wife sideways and I shout it at an ear: "Kaaatyush, let's play Bill and Monica!", also you represent, she sleeps like a log."

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Two elderly friends sit, beseduyut.
-You know, the friend, here we with you all life shoulder to shoulder, in one yard together grew up, to school went together. All war was passed with you. But here one thing was not tried... What
-?
-Well here that is now fashionable. Homosexuality. Give, and? And that we will die and not uznayem.
-Well give poprobuyem.
odin to another put, asks:
-Well as? You know
-, in my opinion, our friendship ONLY JUST BEGINS.

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Two old men remember the youth. - For the sake of me one charming girl risked life, - tells one with a sigh. - How it? - She told that will jump to the river rather, than will marry me.

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Two worms sit in a manure heap. The son asks ottsa:
- And it is good to live in apple?
-is good, the sonny, - sighed otets.
- The Father, and it is good to live in orange?
-O! The sonny, it is finely to live in orange, - the father worm i
eshche more strongly vzdokhnul.
- Then answered tell me, the father, why we live in this shit?
-Well as to tell you, the sonny Є you Will grow up you will understand. At kazhdogo
svoya destiny. Also there is a high word "homeland".

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Two blondes discuss personal zhizn:
- At you how many was men?
-Dvoye.
-How many how many? Only? You Understand
-, after the seventh ten I lost count and began anew.

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Two blondes razgovarivayut:
-That you would like in life?
-Ya would like to meet the fairy and that she presented me hundred thousand dollarov.
- And why not one million?
-Well, one million is is unreal.