Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Americans

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On American word "riot" means revolt, mass a volneiya i
besporyadki. What in that case designates the word "patriot"?

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After an exit from maternity hospital the rich American Mrs. Smith brutally izbila
sobstvennogo the husband that their newborn girl is similar na
ego the secretary.

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According to careful assumptions of the American astronomers, flashes on the Sun, and interruptions in
nad radio communication by the territory of states connected with it, possibly after all are the natural phenomenon, but not terrorist attacks,
napravlennymi against the USA.

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According to the official statement of the American authorities: "Blackout is caused by a lightning stroke".....
razrabotchik of a lightning is recommended for the state decoration.

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The cowboy approaches a bar counter and says barmenu:
-Sporim for $300 that I a nassa of wons in that glass without having spilled a nikapla....
barmen looks, and to a glass kind meter 2 and speaks:
-You are ready to argue with me for $300 that you nassysh in that glass,
NE having spilled thus not drops... I correctly understood?
-Quite so! Ha well consider
-that dispute took place.... Then we will begin
-...
kovboy stretches the fly, pulls out the bolt from there... also looks at a glass...
dumayet about a glass, about the bolt... about a glass.... about a bolt... glass... bolt... glass... bolt......
I starts ssat... obossat everything around: both bar counter, and floor, both phone, and bartender.....
koroche obossat everything, except this stupid glass.... the bartender neighs, is filled in (urine flows down on the person)
-Well everything, the dork, were lost by you, drive $300!!!!
-Now...
kovboy departs in other end of bar to several guys. .
ChTO whispers with them and comes back to the bartender with a happy look and lays down on a rack of $300... and the bartender emu:
-That you rejoice, you just to me lost $300!!!!!!
-you See those guys.... and so I argued with each of them for $500 that I to an oboss a bar counter,
pol, phone and you, and you thus not only will not become angry, but also will be happy.......!

*****

The fire at school, in Texas. One firefighter vtoromu:
-I will throw school students from a window, you catch a!
-Ok! A little minut:
-You why Blacks do not catch
through?
-A %%%, I thought that these burned!

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The elderly American lady devoted all the life to visit of prisons and a consolation of the condemed. It sends the letter to
odnu from prisons: "The road number 322515, next Thursday I will be able to visit you. Now, when we are already familiar to
kakoe time, I hope that I will be able to call you more tenderly - 322..."

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Zmey Gorynych of Russian, American, and Kyrgyz caught. Also speaks im:
-who will surprise all my three heads, that not sjem.
amerikanets speaks:
-here I, the American gentleman, forgot to wish to the parents of kind morning two golovy:
-a fig sebe
tretya:
-fignya.
russkiy:
-here I, the Russian gentleman, forgot to pass the girl two golovy:
-a fig sebe
tretya:
-fignya.
kyrgyz:
-here I forward, the Kyrgyz gentleman...
tri golovy:
-Well, blow me down!!!!!!!!

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Indians of Russian, the German and the American caught. To them govoryat:
-we in the gorge have an echo. Whose words the echo will more long repeat, we will leave that in live. We will eat the others!
nemets zakrichal:
-Hitler!
EHO repeated and zamolklo.
amerekanets zakrichal:
-Reagan!
EHO repeated and zamolklo.
a Russian as zakrichit:
-Muzhiki, to shop vodka brought!
EKHO:
-Gde, where, where, where, where...
I could not calm down so whole hour.

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Display of the American movie in rural video salon. Dialogue of two geroyev:
-How do you do?
-All right! The translator's
golos (the meningitny patient with a clothespin on a nose): As you it do
-?
-Always the right!...

*****

Politically correct Americans demand to enter into windows, along with the team "create the folder", the team "create the mother".

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Midnight. House of the American. Phone calls. The sleepy owner lifts trubku:
-Hallo!
-Is number 11-11?
-Is not present, it is number 1-1-1-1! You are sure by
-, what it not 11-11?
-is absolute! It is 1-1-1-1! In that case forgive to
-that woke you!
-is not terrible, I all the same should get up - phone called...

*****

Having understood that in zero gravity it is impossible to use a simple ball pen, experts from NASA spent some
let and huge amounts of money for development of a special gel pen which writes under any conditions, even under
I water on a hard frost. And only then the U.S. intelligence informed that Russians use a pencil in space.

*****

The Russian, the American and the Japanese get on the desert island. Want to eat to drink, and there is nothing. Here they will come across
lampu, rubbed, there was a gin, and speaks:
-For that that you released me I will execute on 2 desires kazhdomu.
amerikanets:
- The Bottle of whisky and home in bar.
ispolnilos.
yaponets:
- The Bottle to Saca and home on rabotu.
ispolnilos.
russkiy:
-Two boxes of vodka and all back!

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The American, the Hindu and the Russian got to the Hell. The Devil and govopit:
-met by Everything who gets here them, I give chance to pass in RAY.
I gets a huge whip (more, than at Garrison Ford in "Poslednem
kpestovom a campaign"):
-Who will sustain three blows without having cried - I release! Can be protected, chem
khotite.
pepvym left amepikanets.
-Than you want to be protected?
amepikanets took healthy granite kamen:
-I am ready!
CHEPT swung for the first time and... stone into smithereens. The second time - i
amepikanets shouted as mad...
-Following, - are told by Chept.
vykhodit indus.
-Than will be protected?
-Anything! - the Hindu answers, - I practiced 80 years yoga, and in meditatsii
telo does not feel pain!
-Ladno.
pepvy blow. Hindu: - Oshshsh...
vtopoy blow. Hindu: - Oshshsh...
tpety blow. Hindu: - Oshshsh...
-Ooh е# yours... Still nobody maintained three blows. - the Devil speaks. - Hu
chto, you are free, can quietly go in RAY.
-Is not present, - the Hindu speaks, - I want to remain and look. In all anekdotakh
pusskiye win. I want to see how at it on this time poluchitsya.
-it is fine, remain. Well, than you think to be protected? - the Devil k
pusskomu.
-addresses Than to be protected - the Hindu, of course...

*****

The decent English house, all family has just a dinner, the maid clears the table, the father of family reads
gazetu:
-to Think only, what awful these American soldiers! Yesterday in the bar three soldiers with American rocket bazy
iznasilovali the waitress!
Wife (in horror):
-Oh! Three soldiers!
dochka (pensively looking in a ceiling):
-Ah! Three soldiers!
gornichnaya (with neglect):
-Ha! Three soldiers...

*****

After road accident the Russian, the Frenchman, the American and the Armenian got on different neobitayemye
ostrova where spent some months. Then they meet, and tell each other how they without
zhenshchin obkhodilis.
russky speaks:
-I remembered the young wife and... (eloquent gesture) .
frantsuz:
-I remembered the beautiful mistresses and...
amerikanets:
-Ya remembered famous film actresses, and too...
armyanin:
-you is better ne vspominal, and iskal! I iskal - a goat nashel, Friday nashel!

*****

After explosion of "Challenger" Americans investigated why the right tank of a shuttle blew up. And
rassledovali Russian at this time why the left did not blow up?

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After the end of mission on Mars, Americans decided to send the spaceship and to the Snickers.

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After death the Russian and the American got in ad.
dyavol asks them: What
-B a hell will go, in Russian or to American?
-A what difference?
-B American should eat every day on a shit bucket, and in Russian on dva.
amerikanets chose American, and the Russian thought: "Lived all life in Russia that to change? "
through meet month. Russian asks:
-Well as at you?
-is fine, ate since morning a bucket of shit and the whole day is free. And at you?
-A as always: that of shit was not delivered, buckets are not enough for all.

*****

The last words amerikantsa:
"Is ready to swear that this plane flies to our office..."

*****

Last war. Two American soldiers appear on ferme.
-to us it would be desirable a little milk, - tells one of nikh.
-Alas, - the hostess answers. - All cows were lost during bombings. But I will give to drink you the, I cannot refuse to
osvoboditelyam of my homeland!
amerikantsy thank her and talk between soboy:
-Well that we did not ask warm water...

*****

Argued the American with Russian at whom the medicine is better. The American speaks:
-Went the person, fell and eyes put out. We wooden delivered to it. Sees better, than prezhde.
russky speaks:
- And at us one man mowed a grass and unintentionally the member to himself cut off. On a meadow the cow was grazed, here we took and sewed to it
vymya. Now it four women serves also a milk can dayet.
amerikanets:
- And who can confirm it?
-This, your, with wooden eyes.

*****

The American, the Frenchman and the Russian at whom better Wife.
amerikanets speaks argued: - I have at the wife such waist that I her fingers of two hands freely clasp. This wife!
frantsuz speaks: - My wife has such long legs that I should not even bend that to kiss her on a navel!
russky speaks: - You will think a miracle - the wife! I for work since morning as leave, I will slap the wife a palm on a bum, and
kak I will come, the bum still waves! And not because a bum at the wife fat but because we have in the country a worker of
den short!

*****

The American, the Frenchman and the Russian at whom better rezina.
amerikanets speaks argued: - Our cud wons do of rubber, you chew the whole day, you will not chew up!
frantsuz speaks: - We have such rubber that the condom from it can use week, and it whole remains!
russky speaks: - You will think a miracle! Our wons of bottoms from a belltower fell in galoshes. So itself in tinkling sounds broke, and
kalosham of anything, whole!

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The Englishman, the American and the Russian argued: who will feed a cat with mustard. The Englishman smeared sausage with mustard - a cat of
otkazalsya. Two others told that it is dishonest. The American tried to feed a cat violently. On what two
drugikh exclaimed, this violence and violation of the Geneva convention. Then Russian smeared to a cat of egg with mustard. The cat with
krikami started itself licking. said:
-Here notice Russian: Absolutely voluntary and with songs.

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Argued at whom the cat will eat mustard. The American took a spoon and started pushing mustard to it in a mouth. Russian
vozmutilsya: "This violence!". The Englishman put mustard between pieces of sausage and gave to a cat. Russian: "It is deception!".
russky smeared to a cat with mustard under a tail. It with we howl started licking. Russian: "Here is how it is necessary! Turn
vnimaniye: absolutely voluntary and from songs!".

*****

KGB, the American CIA and international "INTERPOL" argued our: who is better with crime and spies of
spravlyaetsya. Started in the wood of a hare who will catch it - that the best!
"INTERPOL": burned all wood together with poor zaytsem.
tsru: surrounded the wood on perimeter, combed all wood up and down, the hare was not found. KGB: come into the wood and through 5
minut pull out from the wood to semi-death of the hackneyed bear shouting: "Yes, I am a hare"!

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Why American "clever bombs" fall not there, "clever rockets" force down the, "clever planes" collide in
vozdukhe? Because the Supreme Commander Bush, and subordinates should not show more mind, than
nachalstvu!

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Why Americans will bomb Antarktidu:
-Penguins did not declare support of the USA, - means, support international terrorizm.
-Krom of penguins nobody lives in Antarctica, - it is available ethnic chistki.
-Penguins are not able to speak, - means, freedom slova.
- The Penguin - a symbol of the anti-American operatsionka Linux is not observed.

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Why Americans with such love treat disabled people?
-On a habit. After all most of the American women instead of a breast carry silicone artificial limbs.

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Why on samonovodyashchiyesya the American nuclear warheads will not establish WINDOWS? Because it or will hang, or
vernyotsya behind confirmation.

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The president Bush Jr. makes round over the country with the purpose to explain the foreign policy. In one of schools he asks
zadavat BOB:
-arising questions.
malenky Mister the President, from me three voprosa:
1. How you won elections if counting of votes showed, what you lost?
2. Why you want to attack Iraq, though at you not on that of strong reasons?
3. It does not seem to you, what bombing of Hiroshima became the biggest act of terrorism of all times and the people?
B this moment sounds a call. After change a hand Dzhon:
-Mister the President, at me pulls five voprosov:
1. How you won elections if counting of votes showed, what you lost?
2. Why you want to attack Iraq, though at you not on that of strong reasons?
3. It does not seem to you, what bombing of Hiroshima became the biggest act of terrorism of all times and the people?
4. Why the call rang out for 20 minutes earlier?
5. Where Bob?

*****

- Why shootings of series of "Simpsona" are stopped?
-Because one of the main characters, Homer Simpson, works as the U.S. President now.

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The teacher of physics klasse:
-We live in the 7th on one side of Earth and we see one party of the Moon, and Americans live on other side of Earth and see
druguyu the party of the Moon.

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At entry into the State of Iowa the American tourist company established a big billboard with an inscription in Russian:
"Welcome to the State of Iowa - a granary of the Soviet Union!"

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Americans of the prostitute robot thought up. Russians them all the same surpassed
A: made it five-seater...

*****

There comes an American to Ireland. There in some lonely street to nemu
szadi some type approaches, and, having stuck it a trunk into a back, asks:
-You are Catholic or the Protestant?
amerikanets thinks: "If I tell that the Catholic, he can okazatsya
protestantom, and vice versa". Then the American solved skhitrit:
-I that, another, I iudey.
-Wow! I, probably, the happiest Palestinian in Ireland!

*****

There comes an American on the Easter's eve to Moscow in a familiar family. Opens a door the little girl. American: - Hello!
A where father? - The father in business trip. - Oh, direct-sales representative! And mother? - The house sweeps. - Oh, housewife! And brother? - And the brother of
NA to kitchen of egg paints. - Oh, hippie!
amerikanets lights on Red Square. The militiaman approaches it and with gestures explains that here to smoke
nelzya. The American extinguishes a cigarette and speaks: - O'key, I ponimayt, airfield, airfield...