Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Americans

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

263  264  265  266  267  268  269  270  271  272  273  274

Two lawyers sit in cafe, got the sandwiches and chew. The waitress approaches them and speaks: The Lord's
-, in this cafe it is impossible to eat the food.
advokaty silently exchange glances, CHANGE sandwiches with each other and prdolzhat is further.

*****

- How many it is necessary Americans to screw in a bulb?
-About hundred people. One screws in, and the others look, whether the rights black, gays and lesbians are violated thus.

*****

Interview at employment in inofirmu.
amerikanets asks devushku:
-That you finished?
-Yurfak.
-Fuck me?!

*****

3 presidents gathered somehow: Bush, Putin and Lukashenko also discuss. BUSH:
-my Americans receive $5000 a month and $1000 taxes pay as they live for $4000 - I do not know... My
PUTIN:
-A - $1000 in month, and taxes - $500 as they for $500 live - mind I will not apply... My
PAPA LU:
-A - $100, and taxes - $150 - where they take $50 more?...

*****

The adviser for national security approaches the U.S. President.
- The Sir, is two news, good and bad. With what to begin?
-C plokhoy.
- The Sir, are taken by the USA inoplanetyanami.
- And what for good news? They eat
-Blacks and spoil oil.

*****

The Soviet citizen rushes to the car of the American ambassador and punctures shinu.
-with Air of freedom there was a wish to breathe! - explains on.
-That the general at our leaders with the American unemployed?
-I that, and others are not sure in the tomorrow.

*****

The message in the PRAVDA newspaper: "Yesterday in the Sargasso Sea for the unknown reasons the American cruiser sank. With
nashey of the party losses are not present!".
posmotrev the movie "Humpbacked Mountain", the American film academicians solved next year for reasons of
politkorrektnosti to enter the new nominations on Oscar: "The best active actor", "The best passive actor", and also
"the Best actor of a background".

*****

The American, the German and the Russian argue on the one who made the most useful invention.
amerikanets:
-We invented such piece through which it is possible to see the most distant stars. Is called teleskop.
nemets:
-We invented such piece through which it is possible to see the smallest atoms. Is called mikroskop.
russkiy:
- And we invented piece by means of which it is possible to look through a concrete wall in meter thickness. The window is called.

*****

The American, the German and the Russian, whose nation quicker stroit.
amerikanets:
-argue We will start building the bridge on January 1 and on December 31 on it the first will go mashina.
nemets:
- And we will start building a hospital complex on January 1 and on January 31 we will be able already to accept the first bolnykh.
russkiy:
-Nonsense! Here we on Monday in the 9th mornings will start building beer factory and in 10 all already drunk.

*****

The Russian and the American argue. AM:
- At us excellent rubber. One broke from the twentieth floor, was hooked by braces for a pipe and remained zhiv.
-It that! Here at us one broke from the fiftieth floor - itself to death, and galoshes whole.

*****

Urgent meeting of all bosses of the USA (Obama, Biden, Clinton, military and financial leaders, investigation
rukoDriveri, etc.). There is Obama.
-Russians declared that if we will install missile defense system in Europe, at the slightest aggravation of a situation they at first
unichtozhat this missile defense together with a half of Europe, and then will already begin to conduct with us negotiations on a discharge of intensity of
V the relations!
tishina. All tensely think, exchange glances. Obama:
-I repeat that Russians will destroy a half of Europe!. In one golos:
-Yes it we understood
Bce. We cannot understand, a dirty trick here in what?.

*****

USSR, 50th years. The American tourist decided to drink aerated vody.
podkhodit to the machine gun, throws three kopeks, waits. The machine gun pozhuzhzhal, coughed also anything. The American still throws
monetku - nifiga. Still monetku
- The same effekt.
postoyal, scratched turnip and thinks: And after all it is idea!
... So there were game machine guns.

*****

Ancient American joke. Two talk fermera.
-Than you treat the horses for a sap? - asks pervyy.
-Camphor maslom.
through nedelyu:
-I treated my horses camphor oil, but all of them ravno
sdokhli, - told pervyy.
-mine too, - the second gloomy answered.

*****

The old American millionaire impatiently waits when his daughters put on that after that to go with them to theater.
nakonets bothers it expectation, and it krichit:
-How many to you is required time to gather? Have a look at me: a piece of cotton wool in ears, and I am already ready.

*****

There is a Chukchi on an ocean coast. The American submarine, in the field-glass smotrit
kapitan emerges. Speaks to the assistant: "We plunge. Direction south-vest. "
through emerges some minutes the Soviet submarine. The captain looks in the field-glass, it is visible nobody. Sprashitvayet at
chukchi: "You did not see the submarine?". "Saw, the Chukchi answers. Left in the direction a south-vest." "Do not philosophize, tells
kapita, pokazhi
rukoy".

*****

There is a Chukchi on the bank of the Sea of Okhotsk and shouts towards Ameriki:
-Poor! Poor!
podkhodit man and asks:
-Who poor?
-Americans - poor!
-What they poor, they bogatye.
- And! Alaska was bought, for Chukotka of money was not enough.

*****

Trial in Boston. The lawyer acquires the right to interrogate the witness as whom the doctor, death postradavshego.
-Tell
konstatirovavshy when the victim was brought in your office, he was living?
-Is not present, it was absolutely mertv.
-As you defined it, you checked its pulse, breath?...
-Is not present, it not trebovalos.
-As you defined, what it not live?
- The matter is that a brain of the patient was delivered otdelno.
-But despite it, he could be still living?
-Yes, and even to work as the lawyer.

*****

USA. Our scout with the agent on a shop sits. That and speaks:
-Listen, I gave you the classified information! It that, I am a spy?!
NASh uspokaivayet:
-Well, the spy it I... And you simply traitor...

*****

- What is the American special troops?
-Is soldiers who can live the whole three weeks without Coca-Cola, popcorn and prostitutes.

*****

- What is the American university?
- This is the place where Russian professors teach Chinese students.

*****

- What is paradise?
-It when you live in the English house with the Chinese cook,
NA the American salary and with Japanese zhenoy.
- And what such a hell?
-It when you live in the Japanese house with the English cook,
NA the Chinese salary an

*****

TASS is authorized zayavit.
yesterday, as a result of huge waves of a tsunami sank American flot.
s our party of losses is not present.

*****

Bear Georgians Tanut. Towards - the American expedition. Ask at gruzinov:
- The Grizzly?
-Is not present, - speak - strangled!

*****

Now the American astronauts know that will be if at the Russian spaceship to switch off in
kompyyuter landing time.

*****

The explanatory dictionary of Russian eyes of the American is when one unclear Russian word is explained drugimi
neponyatnymi by the Russian words.

*****

Three American marines go on the jeep on the road from Basra to Baghdad i
uvideli on a roadside a breathless corpse of one more marine. They stopped and approached a body. The marine was live,
NO which are well rumpled and unconscious. In several meters from it they saw a body of the Iraqi insurgent, in the same
sostoyanii.

*****

Three cowboys jump on the prairie. At them on the way deep ovrag.
bill speaks: - Cowboy I or not the cowboy? Dispersal, a jump - eh, did not reach.....
BOB: - Cowboy I or not the cowboy? - jumped and fell in propast.
dzho: - Eh, cowboy I or not the cowboy? Put spurs to a horse, took dispersal more. Suddenly at the edge of steep a horse sharply
ostanavlivayetsya and speaks:
-You are a cowboy, you and jump.

*****

Three couples have dinner together at restaurant. The American zhene:
-Report me honey, honey mine!
anglichanin zhene:
-Report me sugar, sugar mine!
russky zhene:
-Report me meat... (having thought)... cow!

*****

The tourist from America long rushes about in search of a toilet and cannot find. And there is a wish to write every minute of searches all to
silnee. He does not maintain, comes into some gate and undoes a fly. Right there unexpectedly there is
politseyskiy.
-Hey! What were you going to make here?
-of Ya oshen to want piysat!!! Please!!
-cannot be written Here, the citizen! Go for mnoy.
politseysky takes away it on some street, nearby the high beautiful building, well-groomed park.
-Here pisay.
turist celebrates at last the need and joyfully thanks politseyskogo.
-Oh, thanks, the sir! It is a Russian toilet?
-Is not present. This American Embassy.

*****

The American has a wife and the mistress. He loves zhenu.
u the Frenchman there is a wife and the mistress. He loves lyubovnitsu.
u the Jew there is a wife and the mistress. He loves mamu.
u the Ukrainian there is a wife and the mistress. He likes to drink.

*****

- You have a hobby?
-Yes. I am a green numismatist!
-???
-I Collect the American dollars.

*****

The American spies stole drawings of the up-to-date Russian fighter. Brought together him in the company Lokhid of
martin - the engine turned out. Sorted, assembled - again the engine. And so several times. One Russian emigrant of
povertel drawings, looked and speaks:
-Drawings should be read attentively. See, here it is written: "After assembly to process a file"!

*****

Americans stole the line on production of the Soviet tens, and they at them not red, but blue poluchayutsya.
chto to do? Stole the technologist. That asks:
-pour Blue paint? Red pour
-Lyem.
-A? Alcohol pour
-Lyem.
-A?
-Lyem.
-Idiots!
zanyatiya on Russian in American razvedshkole:
-Mister teacher in the phrase "And what men is not present beer?" after kakogo
slova it is necessary to put an indefinite article "БЛ#"?
-After everyone, mister student, after everyone!!!

*****

Very rich Jew died. Before death it poprosil
rodstvennikov to put all its money together with it in grob.
nu, relatives in the yard execute it zhelaniye.
dengi do not climb any more. By passes amerikanets:
-you that do?
-Yes here it asked all money together with it in a coffin polozhit.
-Idiots! Draw it the check!

*****

The "clever" self-directed heads - purely American weapon. Other nations think other place.

*****

Scientists make experiment on crossing of the person with a monkey. Invited the Russian, the American and the German. put
kazhdogo in a separate cage and started on a gorilla there. In a year come. At first to the German, and he has 10
detenyshey, ученые:
there - Oh, molodets.
potom to the American, and there 15, uchenye:
-Ogo, well you geroy.
potom to Russian, and there only one. Scientists okhrenevayut:
-A che so that, pancake???
russkiy:
-Tak he is a male.

*****

Presented to Fidel Castro a galapagossky turtle. Fidel: - Beautiful! And lives how many? - 400 years. - Here so always with
domashnimi animal - You will get used only to them, they die at you on hands! (Considering that Fidel endured 9
amerikanskikh of presidents.)

*****

- Than the ordinary American differs from the Internet surfer?
-to get rid from usual, it is necessary to tell it "f#сk off",
A should tell the Internet surfer "log off" .
vprochem neither the sense, nor result from it does not change.

*****

Than British differ from Americans?
1. They speak English yazyke.
2. When they organize the world championship, they suit it for everything mira.
3. When they want to do honors to the head of state, they become on one knee, but not on two.