Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Americans

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- Studies of American scientists proved once again that sex during pregnancy is completely safe ......
Za except in cases where a pregnant wife comes home early, and Marina finds you for sex.

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The Russian remake on the famous American fighter prepares for an exit to screens. Working name of the movie
"Trimetrator".

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The American and speaks:
-Sorry, approaches Russian but to me told, what Russians drink more vsekh.
skazhite, you can drink a glass of vodka?
-Of course! A salty cucumber also all OK.
-A three glasses will have a snack?
-Of course! Three salty cucumbers also all OK.
-A hundred glasses will have a snack?
-C of an oak failed??? I will not eat so many cucumbers!!!

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As always the American, the German and the Russian gathered for competition. Task: Who will hammer more nails into a wall golovoy.
vykhodit nemets:
bakh, Bach. 3 nailing. The audience delighted, the German in bolnitse.
vykhodit amerikanets:
bakh, Bach. 5 nails. The audience delighted, the American in bolnitse.
vykhodit russkiy:
bakh, Bach. 50 nails. The audience in beshenstve.
sudyi brings itogi:
2 a place the German, 1 American,
russkogo disqualified for driving in of nails in a wall hats inside!...

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How the most powerful American chemical weapon is called?
-McDonald's.

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As showed research, on mats to a bowl of all Japanese, on sofas - Americans, on plank beds - Russians, and on
chemodanakh - Jews sit.

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Somehow linguists of the whole world were going to discuss a word meaning "to snatch". Americans rise and govoryat:
-we have such city of Tyra, there the first time something was gone - from there and proiskhozhdeniye.
podnimayutsya Russians uchyonye:
- And in the city of Pisa at you vanished nothing?

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The captain of the Russian submarine krichit
kto threw a valenok on the panel?
All molchat
kto threw a valenok on the panel?
KTO threw a valenok on the panel? The American would tell to
ODIN here in America such did not happen BY
-Yes there is no your Ameriki
-Kto threw a valenok on the panel more?

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Cafe. First meeting. The American asks the new acquaintance about semye.
- And where now your father?
-It left on affairs in komandirovku.
- And! So your father direct-sales representative! And mother?
-It houses now, ubirayetsya.
-About! She is a housewife! And you have brothers or sisters?
-Yes, the brother is. He too stays at home, eggs in kitchen krasit.
-Wow! Your brother of hippie?!

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When Americans for the first time departed to space, right there it became clear, chto
nevozmozhno to make any records as handles in zero gravity prosto
ne write. They involved the best scientists to a solution, invested v
proyekt 12 million dollars and in 10 years invented the handles writing na
poverkhnosti, located both sideways, and from above including v
nevesomosti, at a temperature from-10 With to +300 S.
U Russian such money it did not appear therefore they had to write with a pencil.

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When Americans sent to space of the first astronauts, they found,
chto do not write usual ball pens in zero gravity. Then "specialists" from NASA,
potrativ of 12 billion dollars, in 10 years managed to develop a ball pen,
kotoroy can be written in space, under water, at a temperature close k
absolyutnomu to zero and even on glass... And Russians use a pencil.

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When Americans scoff at captured Iraqis, they mock at the Koran. And how to scoff at captured
amerikosami? To drown Big Mac in a toilet bowl? To Nastsat in Coca-Cola? To force to solve crossword puzzles? To play with them game
intellektualnye???

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When I only just arrived to America, it was necessary to save literally on everything. It is familiar to the majority of
emigrantov, the beer which was not trading in Russia. And here somehow I go down the street and I see a lighter. Very successful and
svoyevremennaya a find especially as in mine gas came to an end. Lifted it, checked, it seems works from the tenth
raza: the castor was erased. Lit, put in karman.
through minute me decently dressed Mr. stops and asks to light. I get the old lighter, and it,
konechno, does not work. I get found, and it does not work too. Mr. smiles, thanks, and
prodolzhit prepares the way, and I bring one lighter to another, I press the gas valve on one and I twist a castor on
drugoy.
tak I got my first job in America.

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Columbus, your mother! Why Serbians have to suffer because of your curiosity?

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Well, one American arrived to the friend to Russia. Itself in Russian neither be, nor me.
russky sends it behind beer. That reminds him of the ignorance of language.
togda the Russian wrote it a note supposedly it is necessary speaks.
amerikanets went to a stall and asks the seller (on a piece of paper):
"Izvinitye, at you pyivo yest?" That to it: "Not - and!" He reads:" And knew, **** d!"

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-Who A tailbone?
-It is a small American police.

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10 years. Trillions dollarov.
tysyachi soldiers mertvy.
sovremennye tekhnologii.
ssha, at last, found bin Laden!
B his house.

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Flies amerikanets
na the plane rossiykoy
aviakompanii.
podkhodit to it krasivaya
styuardessa and asks:
-Wish to have a dinner? What
-A choice?
-Yes or no.

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The American plane flies. Suddenly in salon there is a man with the gun in a hand and speaks:
-Ladies and gentlemen! I seized the plane. Can smoke!

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Americans to Mars fly, towards Ukrainians vozvrashchayutsya.
yanki sprashivayut:
-Well there are something?
-Already anything!

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The Russian, the American, the Moldavian and tsygan.
proletayut America fly in the plane, here the American is enough the computer equipment and You throw out in okno.
emu:
-, what? Same everything is so expensive!
amerikanets otveechayet:
- At us such equipment full!
proletayut Russia. Here the Russian is enough furniture (from an oak) and throws out. EMU
-You that? Same expensive furniture!
rossiyanin:
-U us trees full!
proletayut Moldova. Moldovanin is enough the Gipsy and throws out. EMU
-You that? Same person!
moldovanin:
-U them is full of us!

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The little boy writes the letter to Father Frost:
"Dear Father Frost! I very much liked those American crackers which you presented to me last New Year. Therefore present me, please, this New Year two fingers and an eye!"

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Not only that almost all American electronics becomes in China - so also dollars are printed in the same place!

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Ministry of Health of the Russian Federation found in the American chickens raised soderzhaniye
gemoglobina. The American experts explain this fact monthly tsiklom
kur.

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- Mr. Bush, whether you have proofs of what Iraq possesses weapons of mass destruction?
-Yes, we kept the checks confirming payment.

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My sonny lived all the 3.5 years in America and does not speak Russian. The wife - half - the Irish, the
napolovinu-German so we speak houses English. A TV set, a garden and the nurse - тоже.
Как on Sunday, I dig in garage, and the son wanders about our yard and plays in a sandbox. Plays peculiar:
nabivayet a full bucket of sand, takes some steps and throws out all this in the neighbourhood. At last, from greed,
reshayet to fill a bucket with a hill. Tries to lift - in any way, hard. Having had a snack a lip and reddening from tension, tries
tashchit a bucket dragging. After several steps at a plastic bucket the handle comes off. The son suddenly tells NA
RUSSKOM LANGUAGE: P@zdets, б@#$ь!!» and for rage throws a scoop on the earth. Seeing my eyes on 5 kopeks and an open mouth,
neponimayushche looks and asks with astonishment, already in English: "That you, fathers? Simply my bucket broke …."
vidimo, a mat enters us genetically, as call of ancestors …."

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The young American farmer who is called up for military service from Texas writes the letter domoy:
-This army life - continuous pleasure. It is possible to lie in till six mornings!

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Men are praised before each other by wives. Amerikanets:
-my wife is graceful, as a stem! Frantsuz:
-my thin, as blade of grass! Russian shook golovoy:
-That it for the wife? They in a bed a rake should be looked for.

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- We keep the reporting with a match of NHL. Today on ice of team of Florida and Chicago... Bure gathers speed, grazed
mogilnomu. Zelepukin. Intercepted a washer Kamensk. Fetisova obygryvt, is bright!. But in gate reliably plays
nikolay Khabibulin.

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At a meeting of the UN Americans try to achieve the resolution on Libya. Between speeches of the representatives, Obama
S Clinton was decided to be had a bite at restaurant nearby where found them zhurnalisty.
-Tell, Mr. Obama about what you speak now with madam Clinton?
-We plan strikes against Libya during which about one million Libyans will be lost and a little zhurnalistov.
-Forgive, and journalists why have to be lost? Well here you see
-, Hillary, I told at once you that all to spit on this one million Libyans …

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Whether on the international symposium of doctors the American expert asks the Russian kollegu:
-Happened at you such, what doctors treat the person for one illness, and he dies absolutely of another?
-Is not present, at us for what treat, of that and die.

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On one of hostels for foreign students in London hung takoye
objyavleniye:
"the Request to Australians and Americans to come back no later than two chasov
nochi; to Germans - not to sing after 22 chasov; to French - not to argue ranshe
10 o'clock in the morning".

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On politzanyatiyakh:
- The American aggressors interfere with internal affairs of the Soviet Union around the world...

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At the Russian exchange the analog of the American NASDAQ index is entered. Under the name "And us - so!"

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On the Russian rocket base there arrived on excursion Americans. The Russian colonel drives them, everything shows, all
chisto, everywhere an ideal order. Approach the control panel. "And here from here we launch our missiles! here and
nakhoditsya Red Button!
-Is that on which the valenok lies?
-WHO threw a valenok on the panel?????????????
amerikantsy, gloating over:" And here at us in America such would not happen!!!!!!! "
-da there is no your America, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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On sports meets kommentator:
- Attention! The French racer, speed is 150 km/h. Dumps speed on turn to 130 and... successfully
V povorot.
- The American racer, the speed of 170 km/h fits in. Dumps speed on turn to 150 and... successfully the Russian racer - the speed of 200 km/h fits into
povorot.
-, on turn adds to 230 and... with shout "A horse-radish you here everything seated!"
prokladyvayet new route...

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On a wall of the American college at the level glaz:
-Masturbation detains your growth, - and at the level of 2,5 metrov:
- The Lie!

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Inscription at the American institute of nuclear physics of the State of Michigan (in Russian):
"Dear professors, a request not to speak Russian is injures amerikanskh colleagues!"

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Release of the condoms painted at colors American flaga
s with the slogan is adjusted - pull America on most...