Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Americans

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

257  258  259  260  261  262  263  264  265  266  267  268

Two Americans meet. At another asks:
-Listen to one, you do not know why Jews have such big noses?
-Because air free...

*****

Two nuclear submarines in the Pacific Ocean meet, the Russian and amerikanskaya.
kapitan the American submarine tells the matrosam:
-"You, only tell nothing Russians, and that they at once "The fifth compartment gotovs! Torpedo attack! "
vykhodit outside, and there already kapitn the Russian submarine examines and the field-glass gorizon, and speaks emu:
-"to Hulou, Russian! "
-" Che! It is lousy painted! The fifth prepare, torpedo attack!"

*****

Two submarines meet: Russian and American. The American speaks:
-not to be rude to Russians, and that of the 8th compartment will be started up in us by torpedoes. One American speaks:
-Hello Russia!
russkiy:
-of Chyo? Herovo is painted?, the 8th compartment - torpedoes in readiness!

*****

Two rockets over Parizhem
russkaya and Amerikanskaya.
russkaya asks:
-You meet where a pier fly?
-Yes to you, and you where?
-A I to you! Oh! Well let's note
-! To
-Davay.
vypili they a little, American and speaks:
-Oh something me badly stalo.
russkaya otvechayet:
-Give I you I will take home!!!

*****

Two ships, 1-Russian, 2-amerekansky meet in the sea. On ours an alarm, everything krichat:
-Who threw a valenok in the panel? Who threw a valenok in the panel?
A amerikantsy:
- And at us in AMERICA such does not happen!!!
NASHI otvechayut:
-Well already your AMERICA.

*****

The Russian and the American meet. The American takes a stone in a hand, squeezes in a fist and from a stone water drips.
pokazyvayet crust: 'CIA of the USA'. Ours gets a 3-liter jar, a lemon, squeezes a lemon in a fist and squeezes out full
banku of juice. Shows a crust: 'TsSU USSR'.

*****

The Russian, the American and the Japanese, well meet and technologies started arguing at whom more abruptly. The American and speaks:
-Here from us in America we take a pig, bang on a pig - the car, bang on the car - bolvanka.
na that the Japanese to it otvechayet:
-From us even more abruptly: we take a pig bang the processor, bang on the processor - bolvanka.
russky thought, thought and speaks:
-Well children you in general in comparison with us in the Stone Age! We take the blockhead - bang the secretary general, bang on
generalnomu to the secretary - the blockhead!

*****

Yesterday the American patrol boat 1jj.ru lined the Chinese submarine. Seven people of crew and three
tysyachi of oarsmen were lost.

*****

Yesterday Americans threw off a nuclear bomb to Russia - 3 million people Russians were lost threw off to America
rezinovuyu a bomb Today - 20 million people were lost. The bomb still jumps...

*****

Yesterday the independent prosecutor with a regret reported that during investigative experiment Lewinski's
monika choked and died.

*****

You do not believe in the American democracy yet?
togda we go to you!

*****

- You, only tell nothing Russians, and that they at once "The fifth compartment gotovs! Torpedo attack! "
vykhodit outside, and there already kapitn the Russian submarine examines and the field-glass gorizon, and speaks emu:
-to Hulou, Russian!

*****

Excerpts from a Russian-Japanese phrasebook, absolutely seriously, and it is written: a tank - the fool, the idiot gaydzin - tank-gaydzin
inostranets - the American.

*****

Speech of the president of Russia by V. V. of Putina:
-I Want to express deep condolences to the American people in connection with death of the American president George
BUSH Jr.! From zala:
-Vladimir Vladimirovich so he is still living
replika!!! FSB:
-Chto you me the brother dishonor
putin to the Chief???
In a minute it is remediable!

*****

Vietnam. Against each other there are two fighting positions. American and Vietnamese. From the American
krichat:
-position Vietnamese, give up! From the Vietnamese: treatment of teeth realizes preimushchestvo
-Vietnamese do not give up! Karpenko, shells.

*****

The hungry cowboy goes on the desert. Looks - at a fire the Indian ahead sits and fries meat. The cowboy silently jumps off with
loshadi, approaches a fire, takes meat and starts eating. Having sated, he decided to talk with indeytsem:
-to me your leader something not really is pleasant!
-is not pleasant - do not eat!

*****

Races, autorally, kommentator:
-So, the French racer, speed 150, on turn he dumps speed to 130 and successfully the Attention fits into
povorot.
-, the American racer, speed 170, on turn it dumps speed to 150 and turn is taken place by
otlichno.
- The Russian racer, speed 200, on turn it increases speed to 230 and, with shouts "What horse-radish you
stoite here", lays the new route!

*****

When the Lord wants to punish Americans, He sends forest fires, floods, hurricanes and earthquakes to the USA.
A when It wants to punish all others, sends on them Americans.

*****

Group of students in the car metro:
-Preved of the medical Veda!
-Ha-ha, preved yozheg! Oh, and you heard
-, how the American of an oprevedela, and? Krosavchig!!!
malenky the boy sitting naprtiv:
- The Grandmother, and about what they speak?
babushka (spitefully):
-A is granddaughters of a tatarv. Hear, speak not Russian. Ish, all Moscow was captivated, and to greet on our not
nauchilis!

*****

Distant West. At small restaurant two sit kovboya.
-See those five types, there, behind a little table in a corner? - tells odin.
-Well, vizhu.
-that, high blondin.
-All of them high blondiny.
-I speak about that, with a hat nabekren.
- At all nabekren.
-Well what stirs without pereryva.
-All stir hats without pereryva.
kovboy, having lost patience, snatches out the revolver and serially of pyati.
-Now you understand ways-
vayet of four about whom I speak? Is what ostalsya.
-vizhu.nu Now and what?
-It awfully irritates me...

*****

Two American tourists in Kosta-Rike.
pervyy:
-Estimate how here the local people do gloves?! They smear hands with juice of a rubber tree, then wave them.
sok
zastyvayet - and gloves are ready!
VTOROY:
-Bay! Cool! And how they do condoms?!

*****

Two Americans visit the provincial Russian town. At the only restaurant order a local dish -
omlet with cheese. After a breakfast submit them the account. The account seems to the American too big, and he asks hozyaina:
-you that, eggs and cheese a rarity?
-is not present At all, the rarity is Americans!

*****

Two cowboys come into a saloon and see objyavleniye:
"we Accept scalps of Indians. One scalp - $100". Well, they on horses - and to the prairie. Jump, jump - there are no Indians.
ONI angry already, zamuchennye.
vdrug is seen - the Indian costs. Cowboys shot down it, a scalp cut off and as time was already later, stretched
nepodaleku tent and spent the night...
utrom wakes up one of cowboys, leaves tent and, with pleasure stretching, inspects vicinities. And here sees
-round their tent in fighting coloring cost one thousand two Indians - the bowstring of onions is tense, a spear tomahawks are lifted,
rozhi brutal... The cowboy dives into tent - awakes druga:
-Joe! Get up, Joe - we are MILLIONAIRES!!!

*****

Two cowboys jump on the prairie. One another govopit:
-Joe, I hold a bet for hundred dollars that you not sjesh.
-I Will eat my shit, - answers tot.
pospopili. Joe ate, Bill had to lay out hundred dollapov.
skachut further. It became offensive for Joe for itself he and govopit:
-Bill, I hold a bet for hundred dollars That you my shit not sjesh.
-Sjem.
pospopili. Bill ate, Joe laid out hundred dollapov.
skachut further. Suddenly Bill govopit:
-Joe, gives up to me that we with you shit free of charge gorged on.

*****

Two ships, our and American, go napererez.
s nashego:
-Turn!
U of Americans - reaction zero. With nashego:
-Turn!
reaktion - zero. With nashego:
-Do you speak English?
amerikansky cap gordo:
-Yes, I do! kep:
-WELL SO TURN
NASh!!!

*****

Two Inhabitants of Odessa razgovarivayut.
- These Americans went absolutely crazy, absolutely went mad on the health. Here the neigbour married
amerikantsa, now it teaches her how to be engaged in "safe sex".
-A it as?
-Is very simple, he sleeps in one room, and it - in another. That it is safe, he to it uzhe
dokazal, tries to prove now that it is sex...

*****

Two American tourists face in the London museum Heracles's statue. One says drugoy:
-No, expensive, Big Ben is hours...

*****

Two new Russians gather on banket.
-Who will be there? Foreigners probably, as always?
-Only Anka and Janka!
-did not understand...
-of the American, Englishwoman, Chinese woman, Italian. But the most important - there will be a booze!

*****

- That Russian-speaking graduates of the American universities,
osoznav do that professors parted them: debts for study are and will be, a
dokhodov from knowledge is not present and is not expected?
-Part the American banks, coming back to Russia.

*****

John and Bill played with wives cards. At John iz
ruk the card incidentally dropped out. When he got behind it under a table, saw that Wife
billa without pants. All red, it got out from under a table and prodolzhil
igru. A bit later, in kitchen, Bill's wife asked it, whether noticed on
pod a table something, what ponravilos.
-Yes, very much even it was pleasant to it, - Dzhon.
-You answered can have it for 100 dollars, - she told, - Bill Po
pyatnitsam works in the second half of day and if you pridesh
okolo 2 hours after a lunch, everything are in poryadke.
v Friday, John came to it at two o'clock, properly fucked her,
zaplatil of 100 dollars and svalil.
vecherom when Bill came home, he asked at once the wife, whether
zakhodil of Dzhon.
-Yes, it ran for a couple of minutes, - with a reluctance answered Wife.
-It gave you 100 dollars? - again asked a question husband .
" About My God! He knows everything" - the wife thought and saida:
-Yes, he gave me 100 dollarov.
-Well and it is good, - the husband told, - he ran to me for work segodnya
utrom and borrowed 100 dollars, having told that is obligatory zaneset
dolg after a lunch...

*****

John:
-Good evening, old times. I came behind an umbrella which you took from me last week.
braun: Forgive to
-, I borrowed it to the friend. It is necessary to you?
DZHON:
-Is not present, but the guy from whom I took it, says that the owner demands it.

*****

George Bush found a way to enter American voyska
vo all countries of the world - he declared war to Roma.

*****

The wild turkey rescued the American colonists from hungry smerti.
v memory of this event Americans as a token of gratitude kill every year and eat millions indeek.
upasi us my God to do to these people something good.

*****

For the American hire in the animated film "Dobrynya Nikitich..." for political correctness it was necessary to correct an image of
ZMEYA-Gorynycha. Now it has one black head, one white, and one with the made-up lips...

*****

For the winter Olympic Games which are coming in 2006, on a good tradition in figure skating, in addition
izgotovleno six gold medals especially for the Canadian and American athletes.

*****

The diary of the American businessman who arrived to Russia: Day the first. The whole day was drunk with the Russian
predprinimatelyami. Nearly died. Day of the second. Pokhmelyalis. Better I would die yesterday.

*****

Donald Rumsfeld became the most tongue-tied politician of this year. To a victory the head of the Pentagon was led by the phrase: Messages of
O that that something happened always to me are interesting because as we know there is known knowledge there are things about
kotorye we know that we know them. We also know that there are things about which it is known that they unknown that is
MY know that there is a number of things which we do not know. However also is also unknown to uncertainty - those about which
nam is not known that we do not know them.

*****

Interrogation of the American soldier by the Russian military perevodchikom.
-Vout from er neym?
-My name is John Smith!
perevodchik hryas to it on a muzzle also asks snova:
-Here from er neym?
amerikanets udivlenno:
-My name is John Smith.
khryas again to the American on rozhe.
-watt is er neym?
amerikanets nearly placha:
-My name is John Smith.
khryas once again on morde:
-I - tya, a reptile, ask, how many in your army of tanks!!!

*****

Egypt. Sand, camels, zhara.
na to the coast of Nile lie two crocodiles and look as on protivopolozhnom
beregu Americans build confidential base...
TUT one crocodile to another speaks:
-Da- And... companion major. And after all Volga is better.