Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Americans

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The beginner American pilot:
- The Dispatcher, I got lost! I am over the big lake and I fly in the direction of the letter E.
Авиадиспетчер:
-Make some turns on 90 degrees that I found you on the radar screen... (pause). OK. This lake -
atlantichesky the ocean. Immediately turn towards a letter W. Whether
are Known by you, what according to the last researches of the American scientists, the average speed of movement of average
zheny on shop makes 200 dollars in hour of
- As the most powerful American chemical weapon is called?
-McDonald's.
strashny explosion was distributed over the city of Pompeii at a volcano Vesuvius in the 2nd century B.C. The number of the victims among
grazhdanskogo of the population is specified. Victims among the American military personnel are not present.

*****

Our general together with NATO on joint doctrines. Ours is praised:- At us in army it is necessary to the soldier in day of 2000
kilokalory! - And here in the American army of soldiers eats 4000 kcal in day! Our general whispers to the aide-de-camp:-Lies,
vrazhya a muzzle, and does not redden! The normal person in a day two bags of a swede cannot eat!

*****

Our scientists developed the moon rover which is selecting tests of soil at American.

*****

- Our scientists have developed a new rover, soil samples were taken from the US.

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- It is impossible to claim that all Russians - the mafioso, - were told by me to that amerikantsu.
no he did not listen to me and continued to claim that I am a mafioso. It was necessary to kill him.

*****

Despite the acute crisis of the American economy, dollar rate grew for the last days by 6 kopeks.

*****

News of the currency market. Today the official rate of the American currency went down a little again and made 2.17
dollara for a bottle.

*****

News Russian nauki:
-our scientists developed the new mars rover which is selecting tests of soil at American.

*****

News of day: The American marines protect the Iraqi national museum from other marauders.

*****

New Russian on a banquet in the States: eats, drinks everything. Near it the American stops. Russkiy:
-You as are called? You eat
-Smit.
-, Smith! Not hochu.
-you eat
-halyava.
-I eat when I want est.
-I do not understand... When I want to eat
-, I - eat! When I do not want to eat, I - do not eat!
-Well, you just like an animal what!

*****

Night. Campaign headquarters of democratic party of the USA. Perepolokh.
okhrannik Bill to the security guard of Dzhonu.
-Who it is active there?
-do not pay attention is the Russian ravedchik of Putin.
- And that he looks for?
-Gets secrets as to put the American democracy in Russia.

*****

About sport.... declared that if will forbid them meeting before the building of the American Embassy, they will suit f#ckельное
shestviye before the building of city administration.

*****

- What the general between classical music and the American wine?
-If since the childhood did not accustom, and in old age both rubbish!

*****

Objyavleniye:
kuplyu in a collection old American banknotes of the last century of hundred dollars of release not earlier than
1980 goda.
oplata - ruble apiece.

*****

One American comes to weapon shop and asks to sell it the best revolver:
- And how many bullets to it, the sir? The American runs to phone and asks:
-Hallo, it is bank? Tell, please, how many at you people in protection?

*****

One famous American international commentator who is weekly appearing on television received the letter of
takogo soderzhaniya:
"Every Sunday when there is your program, my wife cannot be dragged from the TV. She is afraid that
kto-nibud will include it".

*****

One shark tells drugoy:
-That it you so grew fat?
-of the Russian tourists em.
-is dangerous, can kill!
-Is not present, it when the American or the German will seize, fellow countrymen to the aid rush and if Russian, other Russian
krichat:
"Be kidding, friends, what exotic!" And on video remove...

*****

One American wanted to marry for the fifth time, but before reshila
prokonsultirovatsya at the doctor. The doctor, naturally, took an interest, pri
kakikh circumstances died it muzhya.
- The First three died, having poisoned gribami.
- And the fourth?
-From concussion mozga.
-So, so...
-You see it did not love mushrooms...

*****

Once the AAdvantage airline conceived the bonus program. The stroke a code from packing of a pudding for 25 cents,
otpravlenny by mail, gave to the owner of 100 miles. The kickshaw, and priyatno.
poraskinuv brains, the teacher from UCLA David Phillips sits down in the credit Lancer, and going round tens
univermagov in the district of Sacramento buys up all puddings which are available in them. On the fallen-off jaws of sellers it is
otvechayet supposedly "stocks up on products before "Problem 2000".
12500 of puddings cost to David the whole $3140! To write off so many stroke of codes it had to employ volunteers of
IZ of Salvation army, having in passing paid for it with a quantity pudingov.
takogo turn of events in AAdvantage did not expect. Having received all this it is kind, representatives of airline solved
prikinutsya a hose, having declared that anything of that kind by mail did not receive. However the post receipts shown to
fillipsom turned an outcome dela.
devid Phillips at a time received 1.253.000 bonus miles that 21 times to Australia or about 50 flights across the States would be enough for 31 flights there and back from
kalifornii to Europe, 41 to Hawaii. So it is
nemedlenno and went puteshestvovat.
akh yes, there is more to come. Where you would put three thousand puddings?
fillips transferred them to charity, for what also received $815 of write-off from taxes a year, and a rank of The
Pudding Guy in addition.

*****

Once Mr. Konopleff what there is in Russia money approached Konoplev amerikanets.
-? Give to
-10 dollars, skazhu.
amerikanets stretched kupyuru.
-This and there is at us money - Konoplev told, hiding dollars in karman.
- And what you have then rubles?
-What rubles? These
-, - and the American stretched 10tysyachnuyu.
-Ah, these... Smoke!
-Konoplev twisted a roll-up from the note, filled from a pocket of a tobacco crumb and lit...

*****

One American enterprise bought the plane in the Soviet Union. This plane was accurately packed into boxes,
ostavalos it only to collect. When in the USA assembled the plane, the steamship turned out. All very much were surprised, sorted
konstruktsiyu, assembled anew and again instead of the plane the steamship. There is nothing to do, called the representative from the Soviet
soyuza. That arrived and assembled them the plane. Americans sprashivayut:
-As it at you turned out?
-Here in the instruction is written in Russian that after assembly to process a file!

*****

One American should fly to business trip to Ukraine. asks:
-You do not know how to learn the schedule of planes from New York to Ukraine?
-So on the Internet everything is, here such site! You do not know
podumav:
-A where on the Internet it is possible to learn the schedule of the next doctrines in Ukraine?

*****

Having given both first aid, they brought the marine round and asked that happened. He tells: "There are I
vdol Road, here see on other party this here aims at me galoshes! I aim at it M-16 and I shout to it:
" Saddam - mudak!" And he to me shouts in reply: "Bush - a goat!" And here we stand in the middle of the road, we smile and we shake
drug to the friend of a hand, and here on us brought down by car!"

*****

There was somehow the Russian Frenchman and the American on the desert island. Found a bottle. Open -
tam the genie, promises to execute 3 of their desires. The American asks a bag of dollars and home, disappears, the Frenchman - beautiful
zhenshchinu and home, disappears. Russian remains one. Russian speaks:
-Well, I do not know, as to wish... Bottle of vodka and all back!

*****

- It appears, in America there are insurance companies, which strakhuyut
dazhe separate parts of a body!
-, for example, interests Me insurance of real estate more...
-By the way, I know a ridiculous case when one my American friend,
posovetova

*****

It appears, - also other people of the world have great American dream - to earn more money!

*****

The UN, conducting the world survey, set to representatives different stran
question :" Express, please, your opinion about nekhvatki
prodovolstviya to people from other countries" .
Bo the whole world there were problems with the answer to the matter on the following prichinam:
v to Africa nobody" the food" knows word meanings.
B to Western Europe nobody knows word meanings" shortage".
B to Eastern Europe nobody knows word meanings" opinion".
B to South America nobody knows word meanings" please".
I, at last, in the USA nobody understands that means" people from drugikh
stran".

*****

Competition among the best bear-hunters of Russia, Germany and the USA will be organized: for a minute the light is turned off, and during this time
konkursanty have to open the safe and drag off from it dengi.
-Americans in a minute could not even the safe vskryt.
-Germans managed to open the safe, and here money to take time not hvatilo.
nastal a turn of Russians. Turned off light, marked minute. Time came to an end, judges try to turn on the light, and it is not
vklyuchayetsya. At this time the voice from temnoty:
-Wan is distributed, you just filched hundred million, on a horse-radish to you a bulb?

*****

The TRAFFIC POLICE WORKER stops abrupt "Mercedes" of
ZA excess of speed. In the car the window is slightly opened and in a chink is pushed bumazhnik.
gibddshnik takes a wallet, opens and sees in it two hundred American rubles. "U-ukh-ty!?", -
GIBDDSHNIK thinks. In "Mercedes" the window completely opens, and there the general sits. GIBDDSHNIK:
-Allow to report, companion general?! Give
-, "report" quicker, I hurry...

*****

To refuse dollars and hamburgers in a protest it is possible for Americans. But for completeness of a protest will have to remove
vindous and to hand over the computer on scrap metal...

*****

From now on in the USA the use of the word the woman is considered as sexual discrimination. Instead of it there will be
upotreblyatsya politically correct term: feminoamerikanets or vaginopolovoorganny American of female
proiskhozhdeniya.

*****

The visitor of people in the Wild West came into a saloon, ordered sebe
viski from soda, sits drinks. Suddenly hears on the street shouts, vystpely.
sppashivayet at the cowboy for next stolikom:
-That it such there?
-Is Imperceptible Joe plays about, - is lazy answers tot.
- And why it Imperceptible? Gather all and poymayte.
-Yes to whom it nafig is necessary?

*****

- The father and why Americans tell "eighteen - ninety three" instead of "one thousand eight hundred ninety three"?
-U them, the sonny, still eight-bit processors in golovakh.
vstrechayutsya two druga:
-Americans perverts! Have sex at included svet

*****

Paradox of the ware market: it is possible to buy for the American money from Caucasians the Italian goods of
kitayskogo of production, and then purely in Russian to be indignant Jews supposedly finished the country.

*****

Patriots the American and the Russian die and define them in ad.
amerikanets:
-I as the true patriot, I will go to the American hell!
russkiy:
-Ya as the patriot, I will go to Russian!
arkhangel to them and speaks:
-is not present the Difference. Everywhere it is necessary on a shit bag sjedat.
ad there is a hell in the morning. Razletelis.
vstrechayutsya in a century the same Russian and amerikanin.
razgovorilis:
-Well as? - asks russkiy.
-Everything on American! - the American - Whisky, women, cigars answers... only on morning of a shittery hapanyosh and
normalno. Already got used. And at you as?
-All in Russian! - it is proud ours answers - all too, bags will come to an end, shit did not bring!

*****

- Before a vama tavarishchi a boa, from the head to a tail of 12 meters, and from a tail to the head one meter...
-Companion guide as is... I Explain
-for cretins... From yanvara till December 12 months, and of December to yanvara one month...

*****

The first-ever private mint located in one of houses down the street Small Arnautskaya on the occasion of the
odinnadtsatiletiya let out a commemorative coin advantage in eleven American dollars.

*****

Translation American filma:
-How do you do?
-All riht! As you it do
perevodchik:
-?
-Always the right!

*****

Planet Mars: waters are not present, the vegetation is not present, it is occupied by the American robots!