Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Americans

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There comes a new Russian to the American five-stars hotel. He is lodged in a suite. After a while NR
zvonit in service and speaks:
-Tu-ti-tu-tu-tu...
Bce are excited, do not understand that the guest of honor wants to tell. Ask to repeat. It opyat:
-Tu-ti-tu-tu-tu!!
direktor of hotel calls the translator. The translator comes into number, this for svoyo:
-Tu-ti-tu-tu-tu!!! That did you want to tell
perevodchik:
-to these?
-Ya wanted to tell these rams that I want two teas in the 22nd number!!!

*****

There comes a Russian on a visit to the American. That rolls it on a cool wheelbarrow, and so, by the way, speaks:
-Here see, we, Americans, developed the car which goes on moloke.
russkomu there is nothing to tell, to himself came back home. In few months to it there comes on a visit an American. Its Russian
sazhayet in even more astounding wheelbarrow, rolls it and also, by the way, speaks:
- And here my car works on vode.
amerikanets in not ponyatka. Here, bang! the car stops, and in a cowl something rattles and makes unclear sounds.
muzhiki from the car on jumped out, open a cowl - there the Black sits and oret:
-WATERS, WATER, WATER...

*****

There arrived the American tourists to Russia, solved in the wood, to mushroom, only into the wood came, towards to them a bear,
amerikosy all nautek on the wood... a slightly further in the wood sit simple Russian men, well type on the nature
sebe have a rest, disturb nobody... suddenly from a thicket the crowd of Americans runs out, and regardless of obstacles on their tables break, all
raskidali and again were in a thicket, well men behind them, caught up and as started beating all, beat so far the last
amerikos was not cut down, and again sat down to have a rest further. And one man to another speaks:
-Hear Wan, a that American that in a fur coat was not bad kept.....

*****

There arrived Americans to Russia, white and chyornyy.
nu, white and predlozhil:
-Give as Russians, we will get drunk and we will go on stroyku.
chyorny reveled in a smoke. White shouldered it and incurred on a checkpoint. And there watchman. White speaks:
-Hellou!
-such! roofing matheral polozh into place.

*****

Vovochka like thunder comes to a lesson. The teacher asks it,
chto occurred. Vovochka:
- The Father called from abroad, told, that we with the grandmother pryatalis
v an air-raid shelter!
-A that happened?
-He came to our embassy and saw how mother flirts s
muzhikom. Well, the man right there in a snout and poluchil.
-Yes you do not worry, you said that your father everyone den
byet somebody on morde.
-Yes, it is correct. But not every day the father beats on morde
amerikanskogo the President!

*****

The Russian, the Frenchman, the American, the Chinese and the Jew came to cafe. Everyone ordered on a coffee cup, and everyone in the
popalas coffee a fly. The Russian drank coffee, a fly threw out. The Frenchman politely apologized, but coffee did not begin to drink. The American of
vyplesnul of coffee in a face to the waiter. The Chinese ate a fly, and coffee did not begin to drink. And the Jew drank coffee and began to sell a fly of
kitaytsu.

*****

We continue the reporting on flight of the spaceship. Yesterday the American astronauts left in open
kosmos three times! From them twice y because of malfunctions in a bathroom.

*****

Passes the World symposium of geneticists. Acts amerikanets:
-We crossed a cow to chicken - we receive at the same time milk, meat and eggs! Acts frantsuz:
- And we crossed a fly to a bee - flies on garbage cans, and gives honey! Acts russkiy:
- And we crossed a water-melon to cockroaches - will cut, sunflower seeds creep away!

*****

Passes competition on the best tatuirovku:
k to judges the American approaches and shows on the shoulder the naked woman on HARLEY DAIDSONE.
SUDYI decided to give it the first prize. The Japanese approaches and shows huge green drakona
na to the breast. Judges decided to give it the first prize. The Georgian approaches judges and puts svoy
chlen to them on stol.
- And where a tattoo - asked sudyi.
- And you see this small blue point?
-Vidim.
-Here when it will rise - I will show what beautiful city of Tbilisi.

*****

Pass ski jumping competitions. Ha skis. Kommentator:
-Ha start comes out the German. A jacket - Puma, a cap - Puma, skis plastic. Jumps on 70 metrov.
-Ha start - the American. A jacket - Adidas, a cap - Adidas, skis plastic. Flies by 80 metrov.
- There is a Russian in a jersey and a cap with ear-flaps. Skis hunting. And with shout "... your mother!" disappears behind the horizon...

*****

Examining the Icelandic gay sulfurs, one of the American tourists,
puteshestvuyushchikh across Europe, zamechayet:
-Wow, it is deep and smoky! The hell, Billey does not remind you it?
ODIN from locals, having heard this remark, it is thoughtful vzdykhayet:
-Oh, these Americans! Everywhere they already visited!

*****

Razgovarivaat two amerikantsa.
- At these Russians not only a shower another. They are also arranged po-drugomu.
-?
-Ya itself heard as one told another - Put on you on h@y a cap, and that ears will freeze.

*****

Talk the American to Russian. Russian asks:
-How many rooms in your house?
amerikanets:
-U me all on the modest. The room for me, the room for the wife, the room for children, the computer room, the room of
for of exercise machines, a bathroom for me, the wife and children, state muddy for guests... And at you?
-Well... At me almost same, only without partitions.

*****

The Russian, the Frenchman and the American talk. Amerikanets:
-I wake up morning after, I see: I at myself on a country house, near me the cool girl lie... I want - but does not rise!
frantsuz:
-A I wake up morning after, I see: I at itself on the yacht, nearby two cool girls... I want - but does not rise!
russkiy:
-A I wake up morning after, I see: I lie on a garbage can, all peeled, dirt around, the member costs, on him
vorona sits and pecks it... And even on h@y you will not send it!

*****

Listen to conversation of Amerikanok:
-, here around on the TV, and I confuse everything how it is correct to speak, Iraq or Iran???

*****

Reflection of the indigenous American about Russian muzhike:
s work the person speaking English from the far-away country where on snow-covered open spaces of Siberia round the Kremlin in
laptyakh men with balalaikas which just opposite to the Bolshoi theater at a bear selected a samovar with
vodkoy run, and will drink it without diluting directly from nested dolls!!!

*****

Rocket baza.
vkhodit the commander and oryot:
-Who threw a valenok on the panel?
Bce are silent...
-Who threw a valenok on the panel?
Bce are silent... Last time I ask
-,
kto threw a valenok on the panel?
vdrug is heard a voice amerikantsa:
- And at us in Amerike
davno confessed by.
komandir:
-America, Amerika.
net is more than your America!
KTO threw a valenok on the panel?

*****

Advertizing of the American army: If you join our ranks, among other you have
poputeshestvovat opportunity on the world, to see the different countries, to meet interesting people and to kill them!

*****

Americans where most quicker steal on the street decided to check somehow.
ostavlyali the diplomat also noted time.
london - half an hour, New York - 10 minutes, Warsaw - 5 minutes, Cairo - 30 seconds.
priyekhali to Moscow was also decided to be left the diplomat, and it appeared - it at the airport was stolen.

*****

Decided to make the commercial in Russia and asked at amerikantsev:
-That has to be in advertizing?
A that govoryat:
-Advertising is is a little bit sex a little bit of adventures a little bit of murders. Well they were listened and made a roller: The naked woman behind approaches
polzet on the desert the man with the gun it shoots at the head and speaks:
-So there will be with everyone who will not buy the refrigerator ZIL!

*****

The Russian consulate as the response to introduction of a compulsory procedure of removal of
otpechatkov of fingers by the American Embassy made the decision to take the analysis of urine from Americans. And it to do it three times - when receiving
vizy, at the airport and on an arrival to Russia.

*****

- Russia will rise from a dream and will call home the sons who scattered on the world... also the American
balet, the Canadian hockey and the Turkish trade will be bent then...

*****

Russia will rise from a dream and will call home the sons who scattered on the world... also the American
balet, the Canadian hockey and the Turkish trade will be bent then...

*****

Russians and Americans argued, whose rockets are more exact. Decided to shoot in a Putin way: to strike the enemy in sortire.
amerikanskaya the rocket got to the house, but the toilet at Russians appeared in ogorode.
russkaya the rocket got precisely to an extension to a shed, but at Americans the toilet appeared in dome.
moral: It is necessary to know mentality of the people with which you are at war.

*****

The Russian and the American in joint expedition to Mars... Walk time Russian speaks:
-Blya, Germans us outstripped
Bo - they already here! photo streetlights in moskve
amerikanets:
-Why?! Yes you look at
- At a sign: "Department on Martian affairs. Take the form, fill and get up in
ochered"!

*****

The Russian and the American argue on democracy. Amerikanets:
-Here at us - democracy! I can shout in front of the White House "Bush the freak! "
russkiy:
-Ya too on Red Square I can shout "Bush the freak!"

*****

The Russian and the American argue at whom in the country of the road luchshe.
amerikanets:
-you Get into "Ford", put a glass of whisky on a roof - ride ves
den - at all will not spread!
russkiy:
-you Get into "Zaporozhets", you disperse, you lay a brick on a gas pedal i
vsyu the road you sleep on a back seat!
-A as you do not break?! It from a track will curtail kuda
-A?

*****

The Russian with the American friend walked on the capital. Well, beer drank, yes se... There was a wish to cast them.
russky brings the American to the nine-storey building and casts in a refuse chute, and then speaks to it to make the same.
amerikanets, otlivaya:
-Some urinals at you inconvenient!
russky (maliciously):
-But on each floor!

*****

The Russian examines housing of the American: bedroom, dining room, nursery, kitchen, drawing room...
-I we it have everything, only without peregorodok.
nedavno passed the international competitions in technology of military preparation. The American national team showed to
minimalnoye number of hits at aim firing, but Russian national team - the maximum quantity at
predupreditelnoy.

*****

The Russian writes the letter American drugu:
-Know, Jack, a situation at us almost similar.... only you kupil
bungalo by the sea, and me broke #бало near the Moskva River!

*****

The Russian cockroach and American sidyat
na to edge of a pan with a borsch. Amerikanskiy
asks:
-You for how many will drink?
russkiy:
-In two minutes. And you?
-For two million dollars.

*****

Russian "Б^я!", unlike American "F#ck", it is possible to shout gromko
i lingeringly.

*****

North Pole. Big ice floe. The Russian, the American and the Chukchi meet. Mudflows, made fire, cut, have a snack,
NU and, by itself, time pospeaks.
amerikanets:
-Here at us frosts - will leave in the winter to cast, so a stream directly under way zastyvayet.
russkiy:
- And at us - will leave in the winter of water to gather, will lower a bucket in a well, pull out - simply a cap lda.
chukcha:
- And at us leave a yurta in the winter, the word will tell - freezes and falls. And here in the spring such пиз#еж begins!

*****

Secret of the American smile - in hamburgers... This is what havalnik it is necessary to have that to bite them!

*****

The sergeant asks at American soldata:
-That you will do if step on a mine?
-of Sulfurs according to this instruction I will rise up by 30 meters i
rassyplus small slices in the extensive territory.

*****

The Russian sits in cafe and has an afternoon snack. At it on a table jam and muIf sandwich lies. The American of
I approaches it, ruminating, asks ego:
- And here you, Russians bread entirely eat?
russky otvechayet:
-Of course! And what?
amerikanets, inflating from a cud a bubble speaks:
- And we - no! We, Americans, eat only a crumb, and we collect crusts in containers, we process them, we do of them
myusli and we sell to Russia!
russky is silent. The American, again inflating a bubble from a cud, asks: - And you, Russians, eat sandwiches with
varenyem?
russky otvechayet:
-Of course, we eat!
-A we - no! We in America eat only fresh fruit. We collect sunflower seeds, a peel and any there bits in
konteynery, we overwork, we do of them jam and we sell to Russia! And happy again inflates a bubble. The Russian
eto, at last, fairly offended also it, in turn asks: - And what you with condoms after the use of
delayete? Amerikanets:
-we Throw out, estestvenno.
russkiy:
- And we - no! We, Russians, bring together them in containers, we overwork, we do of them a cud and we sell to America.

*****

The Chukchi sits ashore, fish catches. Here the American submarine emerges, from lyuka
vysovyvayetsya the captain and addresses to the Chukchi: "Do you speek english? "
chukcha in reply: "Yes I am speek english very well",
I grievously adds: "Yes for whom it is necessary here".

*****

The Chukchi on an ice floe sits and fish catches. Suddenly from under lda
vsplyvayet the American submarine. The hatch leaves the commander and asks:
-Where Alaska?
chukcha shows rukoy.
komandir rulevomu:
- The Course the northeast. Full vpered.
through minute the Russian submarine emerges, there is the Russian commander and asks:
-Americans where floated?
CHUKCHA:
-Course northeast. Full vpered.
komandir:
-You do not philosophize, you hands show...

*****

Donald Rumsfeld and Collin Powell in the bar sit, the guy i
asks:
-you really Powell and Rumsfeld approaches them?
-Yes, - answers Pauell.
-Wow, - the guy speaks, - and about what you talk, interestingly?
-We, - are told by Powell, - plan a third world voynu.
-Yes? And what you will make? We will kill with
-10 million Afghans and one mechanic, - Pauell.
-About a pancake answers, - the guy is surprised, - and on a fig to you to wet the mechanic, mozhet
ne it is necessary?
NUT Powell turns to Rumsfeld and speaks:
-you See, Donald, I spoke to you, all on a her these 10 millionov
afgantsev.