Jokes about peoples

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The son of new Russian comes to ottsu:
-Fathers, and at the neighbor Vovka in school syphilis found!
-of the Market is not present, we will make to you even more abruptly!

*****

The son of new Russian asks:
-Why in England the left-side movement?!
-A is the sonny, they to us create favorable conditions, knowing that we like to go on the counter.

*****

The son approaches new Russian and asks:
-Pakhan, and the truth you found me in cabbage????
-Tochnyak in nature and was...
-A is more concrete??
-Well in nature and was... You me for the sucker do not hold
-blya.!!! answer in nature, in dollars or v
evro?

*****

The sonny talks with new russkim:
-You often happen abroad, the daddy?
-Yes, synok.
-Call to me the river in Germanii.
-What, the sonny?

*****

Two new Russians went to Paris. Returned, bratva
asks Che as?
pervy speaks: Yes I do not remember a horse-radish, here at Seregi
sprosite, he rasskazhet.
serega speaks: Well che, came, climbed on the Eiffel Tower,
Ya looked on the left - there everything is all right, to the right - yes tozhe
vrode nishtyak.
bratva there: Well at you, Serega, and memory!

*****

- What is the Russian business?
-to Steal a vodka box, to sell vodka, to spend on drink money.

*****

Show TV "Who wants to become a millionaire?". New Russian reached to poslednego
voprosa:
-Who does not build a nest of the listed birds: thrush, robin,
kukushka, pheasant? The Russian asks
novy "is ringing to the friend". The friend speaks to it: "Cuckoo",
I NR carries million.
obmyvayut they this case, and NR asks the buddy, from where to it byl
izvesten correct otvet:
-Well you give, the brother! Even children know that cuckoos live in hours!

*****

Only Russians can organize magnificent cruises at coast of Africa with the purpose to hunt on the Somali pirates.

*****

Three new are told, what pyrotechnics was presented to children on New GOD:
-I to the bought five boxes of crackers...
-A I five boxes of petards... I to the rocket bought
-A, only, bl @, some astronauts in loading gave...

*****

Three new Russians are discussed, what remarkable they deti.
(1) - Here at me have a son - the good fellow, on my feet went -
nedvizhimostyyu is engaged, affairs well go, and on zhizni
ne wastes time on trifles - recently to the friend the apartment in Paris podaril.
(2) - I have too a good fellow - the motor show opened, expensive mashinami
torguyet, business prospers, itself lives in grand style -
drugu Ferrari presented nedavno.
(3) - And I have a good fellow - bank organized, was developed, understand,
nedavno to the friend the huge credit interest-free gave on 30 let.
tut flies the fourth new russkiy:
(4) - About what are told?
(1-2-3) - Yes about detyakh.
(4) - And mine - the gay person, a pancake! Ho the apartment in Paris, Ferrari,
A interest-free took recently the credit from it for 30 years - and how eto
emu it is possible?

*****

The tourist bought a valuable picture of an era of Vozrozhdeniya.
opasayas in Italy that on border she will be detained by customs, it poprosil
napisat over a picture any plain peyzazh.
priyekhav home, the tourist handed over a picture in a restoration workshop,
chtoby washed away some time painted from above izobrazheniye.
through to it called restavrator:
-such business Here there... I washed away the top landscape, but together with nim
spolzla and Renaissance picture. Under it okazalas
madonna, and from under it the portrait of Mussolini.
prodolzhat work seemed, or will already be enough?

*****

At the Englishman took an interest: "Where it is best of all to spend time with the woman? "
- At her place, - that answered. - Light music, excellent cocktail, fresh linen...
TOT asked a question frantsuzu.
samo themselves - outdoors. - Exciting singing of birds, grass rustle, beach, sea...
sprosili russkogo.
-On a ladder. - He speaks. - Low - will become one step higher. High will descend down. And if bothered - always to
mozhno to tell: "Oh, apparently, the neigbour opens a door".

*****

Whether the Armenian radio sprashivayut:
-Can have at new Russian wind in pockets?
armyanskoye of radio otvechayet:
-Yes, can, only it not a wind, but a wallet with the conditioner.

*****

At us here near a housing estate new Russian was smashed by Hammer and threw. The people took away it in parts. I,
naprimer, myself made the pool of a gasoline tank.

*****

- Why at "Lada" on back glass plastic lattices fix? It is necessary for
-in order that when it is necessary tolkat
mashinu in the winter, hands did not freeze from a touch to cold glass.

*****

At new Russian "Mercedes" was refused by brakes. It opens a door i
na to the course tries to brake a foot. It is made up by another "Mercedes". Novyy
russky, driving, asks:
-Che, the brother, some problems? Yes you understand
-, the brother, brakes refused!
-A, and I thought, ants with boredom press...

*****

At new Russian the son was born. Comes into maternity hospital and asks at akusherki:
-How many?
-U you the son - 3200!
ON also counted $3200.

*****

At new Russian he is born in maternity hospital rebenok.
priyezzhayet. Behind go "six" and drag bouquets roz.
vykhodit the wife, all in bryulika. Behind it the old woman-nyanya.
nyanya speaks:
-I Congratulate! You have a son! Three five hundred!
-Is not present problems, mummy!, - gets and starts counting dollars

*****

At new Russian sprashivayut:
-That such: two ends, two rings, in the middle of carnations?
TOT long scratched turnip, thought-thought, at last speaks:
-A-a-a, so it, points to a forehead are nailed up?
-Well, it generally scissors...
-of Open company (in wild delight)!! Force! Scissors to a forehead are nailed up!!!!

*****

At new Russian sprashivayut:
- At you what Mercedes? The six-hundredth? - Even I do not know
. Wait a moment, the brother. Now... - gets mobilu
i dials number. - Hear, Fedotych, be run on garage,
poschitay - how many at me Mercedeses?

*****

Take from the oligarch intervyyu:
-you have any hobbies?
-Well, earlier I collected stamps...
-A now?
-Well, brands did not become - now I collect euro...

*****

At the traffic light Mercedes and Zaporozhets stop a row. The muzzle leans out of a window of the Lock and asks:
- At you will not be fax bumagi7
mers sharply starts, his owner (NR) - the director of major company - comes to himself to office. Called services of information of
I bezopasnosti.
-That this such, in some Lock there is a fax, and at me is not present! Urgently to equip my car and to find this trough!
Bce made, put the fax, e-mail and so forth. Found this Lock on Sadovyi koltse.
nr approaches, long knocks on a window. At last, the acquaintance morda.
-to you that leans out?
-Yes here, you asked fax paper, berite.
- And what, is an occasion to pull out me from a zhakuza?

*****

Mercedes struck the Zaporozhets. The crew of new Russians to the driver of the Zaporozhets runs out and speak that the old man gave money.
TOT asked to call the son on poultry farm. Passed 15 minutes and there arrived a GOLDEN EAGLE. The father also says that eternally confuses
ptitsefabriku to department the GOLDEN EAGLE.

*****

The new Russian died. On a cemetery of the colleague remember incalculable virtues of the dead. Clever, sympathetic,
vospitanny, educated, delicate, true... The widow listened, listened and as zakrichit:
-Stop! It seems, we bury not that!

*****

The new Russian died. Lies in a coffin. Fingers in rings, on a neck a chain -
senbernara will hold, well and all the rest in the same vein. Passes mimo
starushka, looks at it and speaks:
- There Live people...

*****

The new Russian (NR) .
vstrechayet him at Ry's gate Peter the Apostle (P).
P died: - And! Hello, Sidor Nikanorovich (looks in a notebook) Yes...
ETO a country house on Hawaii and a country house on Canary Islands is available for you?
HP: - Yes.
P: - Ta-ak... Apartments in London, New York and Paris?
HP: - Yes, est.
p: - The apartment in Moscow and a country house on Rublyovka?
HP: - Yes, it is all at me was. I all life worked, taxes, mezhdu
prochim, platil.
p: - Rolls-Royce, Lamborghini, two Ferraris?
HP: - Yes, it I had all. And what it everything matters?
Ya I can enter?
P: - Yes come. Only... I am afraid, it will not be pleasant to you...

*****

The new Russian died. The solution of the Last Judgement it was offered to it to go there where there are all dead of
novye Russians. "Well, - he thinks, - with all our sins is only in a hell," .
podkhodit it is no place to gates of hell more, is knocked, he is opened by Lucifer and speaks:
-Here new Russians NET.
NR thinks: "Means, probably, in a purgatory," - and goes tuda.
emu the gatekeeper opens and speaks:
-Here new Russians NET.
NR thinks: "Aha, so I, after all, deserved a place in paradise!" - also goes to paradise. There a gate the apostle of
PETR and speaks:
-opens for him new Russians net.
-Here As is not present? In a purgatory they are not present, in a hell they are not present and here - too is not present? Where zhe
oni?
-As always - in a sauna with girls razvlekayutsya.
nu it there run, is exact - tutochka everything, goulash full, squeal and zvyakanye.
vpisalsya quickly and let's play tricks with them, generally - a full rest, and girls all appeasable yes beautiful, and
potention on paradise not konchayetsya.
utro. The foreman local and speaks:
-Well approaches it, zvedato were bulged, to tomorrow's prepare!
-of Et to what?
-A our turn to be shown tomorrow by girls.

*****

The English lesson for new russkogo:
-an indefinite article of "an" is translated as "type" .
naprimer: type table....
-a definite article of "the" is translated as "purely" .
naprimer: purely table!

*****

Two new russkikh.
-You why in the bar three "lemons" gave yesterday morning conversation to the Arab and asked, it to you from Arabiya valenoks brought
chtoby?
-Yes - and- And, took a walk.....

*****

Morning of the Englishman: gets up, looks that the wife sleeps, i
tikhonko not to wake her, goes on kitchen, otkryvayet
kholodilnik, cooks to herself two eggs and goes on rabotu.
utro the Frenchman: gets up, sees that the wife did not return s
vecherinki, goes on a kukhna, opens the refrigerator, fries to herself dva
yaytsa and goes on rabotu.
utro Russian: gets up, sees that the wife did not return s
nochnoy changes, goes on kitchen, opens the refrigerator, nifiga
netu there, scratches to herself two eggs and goes on rabotu.
utro the Chinese: gets up, sees that the wife left on courses po
besplodiyu, goes on kitchen, looks at that place where had to byt
kholodilnik, scratches to herself that place where there had to be two eggs i
idet for work.

*****

Frenchman, American, Russian. Who as lives?
F: The apartment, a country house at the sea, the car, lyubovnitsa.
a: Own firm, two country houses, two cars, two lyubovnitsy.
r: We have with the brother one pitchfork on two farms, go by a tractor, but we bang all village.

*****

The good act was made by the Moscow pensioner Semenov. Semenov nashel
chemodan with one million dollars, but did not take away him to himself as bad pensioners made by
na it a place, and handed over in Lost- And-Found, from where chemodan
pepeshel to the lawful owner - the leader of Solntsevsky group. Tepep
semenov has to solntsevsky only 20 thousand dollars of the percent which ran for that time while it had a suitcase in
pukakh...

*****

New Russian on an epicure goes, goods examines, chooses. He calls prodavshchitsu:
-Hear, the sister, and here such red, it at you che?
-Is fine apples. Will take? How many to you to weigh? You me give to
-10 kilograms, wrap everyone in a napkin and pink tie with a ribbon!
Ta already obaldela:
-Yes as to you...
-Not of the drebezda, everything I pay! Whether
dolgo, whether is short, but turned, tied. That is farther smotrit.
- And this such sinenky, more small such, it it at you che? To
-Slivy.
-You here che, give too 10 kilograms, in a napkin wrap everyone and tie with a blue ribbon!
-E-ee... Give
-, give, the sister, not bazar, I pay!
zavernula, poor tied. And "new Russian" is farther eyes on counters sharit.
- And this...
-Is raisin. But it is not on sale!!!

*****

Bury the new Russian, his companion, too the new Russian, zakazyvayet
grob and speaks:
-both on the right and at the left on four dyrki.
- And holes what for? of
-A as it fingers will bend the Size 1.5/3, mahogany?

*****

The Gipsy with two small children call to the apartment of new Russian - a beautiful, powerful metal door with
kuchey of any gadgets and bolts. Opens a door hozyain.
tsyganka:
- The Handsome, pay for services!
hovy russkiy:
-You che, in nature? It together with a door will be removed!

*****

- Why can not Cheburashka new Russian?
- ears are so big that they cell phone fails.

*****

The Cheburashka cannot be the New Russian. Ears nastolko
bolshiye that in them the cell phone fails.

*****

The black new Russian decided to buy the 600th Mercedes. Comes v
avtosalon and speaks:
-Pick up to me, please, the 600th Mercedes of black color. I
chtoby all glasses were darkened. And that caps on kolesakh
byli the black. And inside everything was upholstered black kozhey.
nu, celebrated to it such car. He, happy, dostayet
sotovy phone also calls zhene:
-Hi, the wife, just bought what 600th Mersedes.
kak of color? Corporal, of course.

*****

What is "new Russian"?
ETO crimson jacket and 600 mers.
chto such "the new Chukchi"?
ETO a crimson yurta and 600 deer in upryazhke.
chto such "the new Latvian"?
ETO crimson eyes and 60000 dollars of a debt for the apartment.