Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Russian

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The new Russian on a nudist beach in a red jacket,
potyagivayet "Martini" sits, a video camera in hand holds, to it the security guard podkhodit
i speaks:
-You that in a jacket sit? It nudist beach, here people otdykhayut.
-Nudist beach? A horse-radish to themselves, and me in tour agency when $
брали 1000, told a mass striptease.

*****

The new Russian at restaurant sits, ordered a huge goose...
ZA a little table has opposite dinner a family of vigetorianets (salatik from vegetables, vegetable soup...)
TUT the sonny rises because of a table, and approaches a little table of N of river, that looked at the kid, broke off a goose foot and gives
malchiku.
zdes mummy does not maintain, jumps because of a table and кричит:
- it is not necessary, our boy is full!!!
novy Russian nevozmutimo:
-Pust is not full, for everything is paid.

*****

Two new Russians in a concert hall sit, slushayut.
-Hear, this is Bach or Beethoven?
-of Neznayu, it to us a back costs.

*****

Sit two new Russians at a table at restaurant mean, well drugomu
i speaks:
-I Love one, when flowers on a table stoyat.
-You che, the vegetarian?

*****

Two new Russians sit in a tavern and eat. One all time
zaglyadyvayet under a table. The second does not maintain - approaches k
pervomu and looks: at that the maa-alenkiy
tennisny court of the size of a box of candies on a lap lies and maa-alenkiye
tennisist are cut in tennis. Ma'a-alenkiye the audience is ill,
V the general, obaldet.
(2): - Bratukh! Where you took such krutota!
(1): - Yes, you understand, I have a friend - the genie. So ON
desires ispolnyaet.
(2): - And it is possible I something I will think?
(1): - It is possible. Only it a little glukhovatyy.
(2): - All right... I want that on me dollars fell!!!
TUT on it start falling faxes, to beat him on the head, generally, of
zabrosalo it these faxes. The man gets out from under kuchi
faksov...
(2): - @#я! Yes on a fig such genie is necessary!
(1): - And you think, I asked 30-centimeter tennis from it?

*****

Men in a sauna, in a room of rest, pazlili
vodochky sit. Only they were going to tell a toast and to clink glasses, pazdayetsya
zvonok by the mobile phone. One of them answers on zvonok:
-Yes, expensive... what? The ringlet with diamond was pleasant? Za
poltopy thousands? Dollars? Only? Hy of course, take, expensive...
snova were going to clink glasses they as phone again rang out. That zhe
man otvechayet:
-That, expensive? The fur coat was pleasant? From a mink? For 20 thousand
dollapov? Only? It is pleasant? Of course take Hy, expensive!...
... Again they were going to clink glasses, and the mobile phone again rang out...
opyat same man otvechayet:
-Yes, expensive... Mercedes? The six-hundredth? Under color of a stone in a ringlet?
vsego of 100 thousand dollars? Of course take Hy, expensive!
povesiv a tube, it addresses to its people around tovapishcham:
-Children, well take away this phone somewhere! The moron forgot
kakoy, and I be answerable for it!...

*****

Two oligarchs on a banquet sit. One fork hooked three black berries and speaks drugomu:
-Look, Petrovich, is your pension...

*****

Two new Russians sit at a bottle. speaks:
-Hear one, the brother, I here to Volga went, on fishing was - so a sturgeon on eight meters pulled out! Do not drive
-, in nature, I read, sturgeons no more than three meters happen. Cut down a sturgeon!
-I Tell you, eight meters!
-Yes well, the brother, do not drive! Cut down osetra.
-Eight, b%ya I will be!
-Well, it still hogwash. And here I here on hunting went... I go in nature on the wood, I hear a crunch, shmalyayu there - an elk!
losyaru filled up! I approach only it as I hear steps behind - the forester! And I have no licenses a fig! Well, I am
vskinul to a down, filled up the forester what to do... I am so above an elk and the forester and I hear: in bushes some fuss, a
razdvigayu-pancake, a couple with each other is engaged. Well, me, the stub, witnesses to anything - also both of them
poreshit was necessary is clear. Then I think: from where they undertook? I go through bushes, I come to glade-e-mine! Tourists, tents ten, their
chelovek fifteen! Well, an exit is not present-watered them from a galosh that behind the back not to leave witnesses. Only the
spokoyno-pancake sighed, leaves on a glade of "Ikarus", in it to the people of people hundred...
bratan, I as brother ask you, cut down a sturgeon, and I them too all will shoot down that!

*****

Two new Russians at expensive restaurant sit. One drinks the road konyak
i has a snack sauerkraut. The second drinks usual vodka, and zakusyvayet
ikroy and excellent ham. The second pervomu:
-Well you, in nature, any muck have a snack? Such horoshiy
konyak, and you its cabbage! Whether everything equally than to vomit
-A?

*****

Sit two new russkikh.
-Listen. Estimate, at me yesterday the wheelbarrow was not got!!!
-Yes well? And you tried to wipe headlights?
-Proboval.
-I che, was not got?
-NET.
-A well wiped a windshield?
-Horosho.
-I che, was not got?
-NET.
-A of a door more dense tried to slam?
-Yes.
-I che, was not got?
-Hee-a.
-Well, the brother, you is time to change the car...

*****

Two new Russians in a toilet sit, crap, to the cell phone razgovarivayut:
-Listen to
PO how you think, we now vypolnyaem
fizicheskuyu work or intellectual?
-Probably, physical...
-Is not present, probably, intellectual - would be physical,
MY would employ somebody...

*****

Three new Russians on the river bank sit, catch fish, Here pull networks and pull out a goldfish, she speaks to them:" Give
I to you to everyone at will I will execute and you release me" - well those agreed. She asks the first:
"That is necessary to you?" It: "yes anything I and so have everything", the Small fish: "And at tya there are cockroaches?" It:" well there is" a Small fish:" I will give
davay to you a small, small tarakanchik it will eat all your cockroaches will grow up and It will burst": "That
davay", Asks the second, That speaks:" I too everything have that" the Small fish:" And mice at tya are?" It:" Well
est" Small fish:" Give I those ladies a small, small mouse she will eat all your mice will grow up big and will burst?"
ON: "Well give", He Asks the third:" And give me a small fish a bag of dollars small notes, and that cops of
ostanavlivayut, and at me large all and it is necessary to give much to them" the Small fish gave it a bag of money, He sat thought,
dumal and speaks:" And give me a small fish better than the little, little cop"

*****

Three new Russians sit, brag of the achievements. Pervyy:
-I bought a new cottage for 5 million here. Big, it is pleasant to a family, a view of the river, nearby presidential giving! I the driver new employed
TRETIY:
-A is very happy!
VTOROY:
-Ya bought the yacht. In in total way, 100metrovaya, 20 million, will float on Silent okeanu.
tretiy:
-soon And my driver new be hurt the man! As my gelding drives as overtakes, is developed, cuts the highest
klass!
DVOYE of others emu:
-Yes bothered you with the driver! You will think vodilu
sebe got new and brags!
TRETIY:
-Yes not, his son advised me, and he in it thinks... I remember
He, whether the German, whether the Jew, a surname such at it... I will remember
shchas... and! Schumacher!

*****

The situation - as always, the 600th MV, behind flies 41st Moskvich.
iz of the 600th takes off for him the mobster, under way throwing in salon phone, and podbegayet
k to the getting-out man from the 41st with words - "Well you as? How?
He hurt!?! Look at hands, feet are whole? The neck does not hurt? Look,
NE was cut? It was not wounded? How you, man? Exactly everything normally?
NI of bruises, bruises? "
TOT shocked - "Yes it seems everything is normal, thanks"
bratok with relief embraces him for shoulders: -
"Well then went to watch the apartment".

*****

- Tell, the young man, and whether is in your city high culture,
iskusstvo, thin creativity?
-O than market? We are not suckers!

*****

- How many cell phones are necessary for new Russian when it goes v
magazin?
-Two. On one to bazarit, and to specify by another that to it to turn.

*****

The TV broke at new Russian. That, naturally, vyzyvayet
mastera. The master long digs in interiors of this unit, after chego
mnogoznachitelno izrekayet:
-I should go on a radio market: to buy optoparu.
-You cho, the man, in nature, went nuts? If you need only couple, on koy
brat its wholesale?

*****

It happened so that to one new Russian tore off guby.
hu it comes to hospital, speaks:
-Sew to me guby.
doktor:
-you understand, at us is not present donor gub.
-Hear, on you $10000, only naydi.
doktor thought and speaks:
-Usual is not present, is only polovye.
-It is all the same, prishivay.
prishili... In a month the new Russian to doktoru:
-Slysh, dock resorts, cut off back, and that I zamuchalsya:
posmotryu on the person in a mirror - so the member gets up!
posmotryu on the member - so lips shiver!

*****

- Heard, denomination is necessary, all figures on on 100
sokratyat.
-It that, I instead of the 600th dolzhen
budu to go now by "six"?

*****

New Russians gathered for hunting for a bear. The forester instructs before nachalom:
-Well. The only thing when see a bear, and the gun will not shoot, it is necessary to depart so: step to the right, step backwards,
shag to the left, step backwards and t. of
Te in shoke:
- And that so?
-That not to enter shit...

*****

Americans of the robot replacing the man created. Priglasili
russkuyu, German and American. The first the American went, through
nekotoroye time leaves, at her sprashivayut:
-As you consider, is capable to replace this robot the man in sex?
-Yes, konechno.
nemka answered the same. The Russian went. Hour, two, three netu.
potom krik:
-I will show you "batteries sat down"!

*****

Firing competitions. The first the German shoots. On
poprosil to put a fly on a fence and from ten meters got v
nee. The Englishman brought down on the fly a bumblebee. There is a Frenchman,
vypustil of a mosquito a box. The shot was distributed. "Z-z-z-z", -
prodolzhayet to hoot the mosquito, however, on half-tone vyshe.
-So after all it flies! - rushed to the shooter sudyi.
-Flies and will fly. And here to love - never!

*****

Ask at new russkogo:
-What most favourite sport at you?
-Sack-race with money.

*****

Ask NR-go:
-you can buy Volga?
-Of course, but what I will do with all this water and the ships?

*****

There was a bear the new Russian and bought "Mercedes". Goes on the wood i
vstrechayet a wolf: "Sit down I will bring". Go together, the bear sees - a fox idet.
medved stopped a car, pressed the button - opustilos:
-Watch glass, a fox, what car bought!
LISA pushed the head in a window, the bear once again pressed the button i
zashchemil at a fox the head, then slowly through other door left i
ottarabanil poor then released. The wolf saw it and asks:
-How many such "Mercedes" costs?
-of 200000 dollars!
VOLK counted the derevyannye:
-For "Mercedes" will not be enough, but I will surely buy such door to myself!

*****

Standard situation: Zaporozhets, Mercedes, intersection, dismantling...
Driver zaporozhtsa:
- The Man, well you che rustle? You che, not Russian? Let's sit down, seychas
nakroyu for two and all questions we will work out "glade"!
-Well, all right, - answers new Russian, - give...
muzhik gets an old lamp, rubs it and from it... gin takes off!
-Well, - are told by the man, - cover to us "glade" for two!
DZHIN, time - two is also ready: vodka, an ikorochka, a small fish, cultures-multur.
novy russkiy:
-Hear everything, the man, sell that you want ask!
NU, drove the Zaporozhets right there rolled out: a country house on Canary Islands, the lock in France,
anglii, etc. well, so - millions on 50...
Bce signed papers contracts, vdaril on rukam.
novy the Russian runs home, closes windows doors, sits down in an office - rubs lampu.
dostayet the long-long list, reads. Minutes through ten reads. .
DZHIN, so, delicately words "I repeatedly try to kill it, hundred - and - ry, hundred - and - ry Bukhara gin... "
novy Russian roughly tears off it slovami:
-Well silently, here and well that you old, let's read up!
dochityvayet the list - that it in life wants. Gin, I, hundred - and - ry, hundred - and - ry watch tired, sad eyes and speaks:
-Bukhara gin... also I can now only polyanu
na two cover...

*****

There is a Lock on the traffic light. Suddenly in it behind so
vsey nonsenses the 600th walks smack. The lock departs and povi-
sat on a column. The 600th leaves NR and shouts: "GO-O-OL!"

*****

There is a cop in the evening on a post, money no, not a fig, nobody was caught. Here looks - goes hipy 99,
tonirovannye glasses and all take, well the cop thinks: it is necessary to stop, come off. Stops, leaves young it tip.
-yours dokumenty.
-Here...
- The Bench hammer works?
-Yes here, watch... (shows)
-A the fire extinguisher is?
-of Ugu... (opens a luggage carrier, shows)
-A the first-aid kit?! Here slowly back lateral glass and such mug 2x2 with surprise asks:
- And YOU THAT, HU@VO, DARLING falls???

*****

There is "Mercedes" on the traffic light. Behind in it "kopek" flies not uspevshaya
pritormozit. The owner of "Mercedes", new Russian, is elected iz
svoyego a car and moves towards "kopek", from which vyglyadyvayet
nekto, looking as the typical engineer. New Russian (string of obscenities): That we will do
-?! Whether Know
-, these new "Mercedes", in them are such opportunity... V
obshchem if to give compressed air to an exhaust pipe, all dents sami
soboy raspravlyayutsya.
ozadachenny new Russian, having vainly looked for the corresponding pump,
pristraivayetsya to an exhaust pipe and blows there, with all the might. The engineer pod
shumok disappears. By one more "Mercedes" goes, stops. From nego
vykhodit the same new Russian also asks, choking from hokhota:
-You that it, the mobster, do?
-Yes here, you understand, in nature, here... You see a dent on a bumper? Tak
vot, told, what if to blow in an exhaust pipe, a dent really vypravitsya.
vtoroy even more veselitsya.
-Well that you neigh?
-So you think how it will be corrected if you have all dvertsy
nastezh?

*****

Costs the 600th Mercedes on the traffic light. Here behind "Zaporozhets" approaches, accurately pulls up and stops on
normalnoy distantsii.
iz Mercedes the surprised new Russian gets out and approaches Zaporozhtsu:
-Hear, chukhan, I did not understand, you that, in nature, absolutely put on airs?

*****

There is a man on MKAD and golosuyet.
vdrug 600 Merce stops. Leaves it new russkiy
i bypasses the car, thoroughly considering it. Calls up the man,
byet his head about a cowl and speaks:
-You, a bough where here saw a checkered pattern?

*****

There is a new Russian near the smart newcomer chetyrekhetazhnogo
osobnyaka. Pounds pood fists of a tear on cheeks, in scarf OT
"Versace" blows nose. Another approaches new russkiy:
-You that roar, again taxes press?
-It... Here the orphan lodge constructed, tomorrow presentation...
-Well, so orphan, charity to prestige is useful, что
убиваться?...
-It that so and as I one will live in the such domishche, siroti- And-
inushka...

*****

There is a new Russian and carelessly so twists on a finger a radio telephone za
shnurok. Another approaches it, not less new russkiy:
-You that! You will break after all now!!! Also you will be whereas these, deaf-mutes,
peydzherom to use!

*****

There is "six-hundredth". Nearby tank. The tank is deployed, bang - the gelding hooked a caterpillar. "New
russky" gets out of it, goes so opens a tank door, and there huge tankist.
-it is necessary to Che?
-Yes so, wanted a key on 13...
-It, I to 40 hands, hands...

*****

There are two bums at computer shop on Arbate:
- See to what these boughs, new Russians, reached: rug for
myshki...

*****

Two gossip starushki.
pervaya: Here speak, all new Russians - ill-bred bandity.
a at me the neighbor, Vasily Petrovich, the new Russian, - absolutely drugoy.
vezhlivy, economic, in the field of conservation of cucumbers experiments zanimayetsya.
vot only with plural of nouns at it not all in poryadke.
vtoraya: It as?
pervaya: There are I yesterday, meet him on the street, and Vasily Petrovich to me and speaks:
"Mar Ivanna, desire to us for lunch of vodka to tempt". Its
Ya sprashivayu:
"And in honor of what holiday?" And Vasily Petrovich otvechayet:
"We the Cucumber wetted today!"

*****

Sent to severe Siberian little men a Japanese petrolsaw. Severe Siberian little men thought and put it shchepku.
-Vzhik, - told pila.
- At, bl @, - severe Siberian little men told and put brevno.
-Vzhi-zhi-zhik, - told pila.
- At, bl @, - severe Siberian little men told and put relsu.
-Drrr … dzyn …, - told pila.
-Aaa, bl @, - severe Siberian little men told.

*****

The son of new Russian writes the father about the life-bytye in Moskve:
-A physics I handed over on the five. The teacher and goes by this "five".

*****

The son of new Russian approaches mother and speaks:
-Mothers, lend me ten dollarov.
-Horosho.
-Is not present, wait, give me only five, then you will owe me five dollars, and I you five. And we in calculation.