Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

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In one African small village the lion who began periodically pozhirat
skotinu at locals was got, and those decided to employ the skilled hunter, that tot
raspravilsya with a lion. They found the hunter of the beginnings he vyslezhivat
lva. Day tracks down,
dva, three - everything is ineffectual. Then the hunter decided to go on hitrost.
on poprosil
zabit a cow, to cut her hulk, and to give a skin to him that he spent night in the shelter for cattle, having dressed this skin. And it was made. Suddenly in the middle of the night all village wakes up from wild shouts and cries. All run together to the shelter for cattle, see blood there, but any traces of stay of a lion. And here they see hardly living, bleeding profusely hunter lying on the earth. All crowd in udivlenii:
-That happened? Where lion?
-Yes go you to an ass with the lion! Tell better what mudak let in the shelter of a bull?

*****

In one city the shop with live dichyyu.
-opened there are at you hares? - asked pokupatel.
-Of course. Here to you gun. Our shop passed to self-service.

*****

The weapon shop includes the buyer and asks to sell emurevolver-For what purpose you buy it? - I want to shoot the neighbor - If you have nothing against, I want to give you a sovet:podozhdita with it to tomorrow - Why? - You are angry today and can miss.

*****

In a hairdressing salon at feet of the master sits hunting sobaka.
kliyent:
-Why your dog so attentively looks at me?
-You see sometimes on a floor fall ears - its favourite food.

*****

- Last time I on hunting killed a hare and two utok.
-I so not sumel.
-What to shoot?
-Is not present, to tell lies.

*****

In a local train - Versailles two passengers vedut
besedu.
-Imagine Paris, my friend, - Gustave tells, - I na
dnyakh hit a boar, but what! It weighed two hundred ten kilograms! And so, when it was cut, from this ink izgotovili
chetyresta pounds sosisok.
-Well, it that! - the neighbor - In my family byvayut
chudesa stronger interrupts it. Somehow in the evening my father, having become slightly tight, kneaded stolko
zhe sausages as you tell, and turned into such hog, you hit
kak!

*****

- Last year I was lucky to kill with two shots nine partridges?
-A you, probably, shot at eggs? Guessed?

*****

At restaurant for a little table two talk priyatelya.
-Understand, - tells one, - I sit on beregu
rechushki recently and, represent, directly on me sturgeon suddenly floats!
ofitsiant standing nearby not vyderzhal:
-Tell, please! And big portion?

*****

At restaurant behind a little table two talk priyatelya:
-Understand, - tells one, - I sit rechushki
i ashore recently, represent, directly on me floats osetrina.
ofitsiant, standing nearby, suddenly not vyderzhal:
-Tell, please, and big there was a portion?

*****

Due to the advertizing from the aunt of ASI:
-Why your husband goes fishing in a white shirt?
-Since we got acquainted with the aunt Asya, we have all shirts - white...

*****

- In the old days the bear with a spear went only zimoy.
- And why only in the winter?
- summer was a lot of work, so plump peasants were not allowed.

*****

Go mother with the boy to a taxi. The boy with himself razgovarivayet:
-If my father was an elephant, and mother an elephant cow, I was by
slonenkom. If my mother was a she-bear, and the father a bear, ya
byl a bear cub... nadoyelo:
-Listen to
taksistu, darling. And if your father was a goat, and mama
kozlikhoy whom you would be?
-Taxi driver...

*****

At theater Michael saw that one their place of orchestra seats the collie takes. Watching it, he noticed that a dog poluchayet
ot, a performance pleasure: rejoices or mourns in dependence ot
syuzheta. In an interval Michael approached the hostess sobaki.
-I am struck: your dog delighted from spektaklya.
-I am struck not less yours. When he read this play, ona
emu it was not pleasant at all.

*****

Vasily Petrovich from Kaluga, gathering for hunting, by mistake took the son's cigarettes, and already by a lunch, on a forest glade, shot three giraffes.

*****

Suddenly the hunter drinks, by the hare shoots...

*****

Evening. Two hunters sit and wait when the pack utok.
vdrug because of the wood flies by the goose on very small vysote.
pervy the hunter seemed throws up the gun and is going to shoot. To it speaks:
-Wait a moment the second, now it will fly up closer, we will throw a dog, she it and poymayet.
tak and sdelali.
v this time from the closest field of corn there are two addicts and see flying sobaku.
odin to another speaks:
- And you spoke corn does not prt

*****

- You see a bear skin on a floor? - asks the guest of Ivanov.
-It is a skin of a bear whom I hit in Siberia... Dreadful there was a duel! The question stood so: either I, or it...
-Yes, - agreed the guest, - You worse on a floor would look...

*****

The grandson from the city arrived to the grandfather to the village. After the grandfather showed all economy, the vnuchok started missing. The grandfather and speaks:
-Why not to take you dogs and ruzhyishko and not to descend in the wood to do some shooting?
VNUK was delighted and went. In an hour Ded returned vozbuzhdennyy:
-, and you still have dogs?

*****

During walk on the city the hunter was lost in contemplation of the woman,
odetuyu in graceful leather palto.
Wife right there hurried to focus attention muzha:
-You see how the woman in skin looks?
-Of course, I see! You presented to
-A me in similar skin, as if I looked?
-Of course, presented. Even presented that from whom it tear off.

*****

The husband from hunting came back. Was not in time also a door to close how the wife to nemu:
-Well how hunted, how many ducks killed? Yes you know
-, - the husband, - ducks started telling so many that lakes it is not visible. I as went off with a bang the first time so feathers poleteli.
-Yes how many you in a day killed them? - tries to find out Wife.
-Yes odnoy.
-As any?! - the wife was surprised - And you say, what only feathers departed?!
-Feathers departed, but also... ducks departed, - the husband frowned.

*****

Mother Vovochki from Rest house in smart shube.
-Mummy comes back, - speaks joyfully Vovochka- And I know that shkurki
for this fur coat our father on hunting got. After all he is a hunter...
- The Silly child, - sighs mother - Yes if I on etogo
okhotnika rely, not only fur coats, but also you, native mine, na
svete would not be!

*****

The husband from hunting scary angry comes back. Wife:
-That happened?
-To what a fox an artful animal!
VIZHU a fox, I shoot, the fox falls, I go to it, the fox lies, I approach, lo and behold, and this is a dog!

*****

The fisherman from fishing comes back. The whole day stayed, but caught nothing. Goes and speaks:
-If this fishing so did not calm, would pereubivat all to hell!

*****

The hunter came back home. Suddenly from under the bridge vybezhal
bandit with the gun also took away from him dengi.
-Listen, - the hunter speaks to the bandit - You the business sdelal.
no regret me. Shoot to me a jacket that the wife believed,
chto robbed me, and that will think that spent on drink. You know, what wives! prostrelil.
-Now still here fire
TOT just once, - the hunter rukav
pidzhaka.
-substitutes I cannot, cartridges konchilis.
- Then we will go to militia, - and the hunter seized the robber za
vorotnik.
okhotnik trudges on the tundra, froze, was tired, from forces vybilsya.
upal and vopit:
-Liu - di- And!.
chukcha in plague sits and usmekhayetsya:
-As in Moscow, so the Chukchi, and how in the tundra, so lyud?!

*****

I come back from hunting tired once, dovolnyy.
i here the dog picks up a trail! Directly warm still, here only passed, the rascal! Large, apparently, prints accurate...
NU, I on a trace! From a bathroom, through all corridor, the trace reaches for a bedroom. And after all uses cunning, the reptile, winds, from a wall to a wall jumps aside! Found its lezhka in a case two-day prescription...

*****

Question: than the new Chukchi differs from the old Chukchi?
otvet: the new Chukchi has crimson skis and the six-hundredth deer.

*****

The eighty-year-old old man married the very young girl. In 9 months ona
rodila. The old man appealed to the priest to explain it chudo.
-I will tell instructive story, - that answered. - Once in the desert on menya
napal a lion. What to do? Having said about itself "On everything your will, My God", I podnyal
posokh also told "paf". The shot was distributed - and the lion failed zamertvo.
-It there was a God's work?
-Is not present. Behind my back there was a hunter with the real gun...

*****

- Here I have a grandfather - the Siberian. One went to a bear! Once shook hands with an Ussuriisk bear! So he does not wash this hand since then. So, will clean, will grease, will tighten bolts and it is normal!

*****

The doctor took vacation for a week and went on hunting. Comes back to hospital razocharovannyy:
-So anybody and did not kill! - he speaks medsestre.
-Da- And, that answers. - For this purpose it would be better for you to remain here, in hospital.

*****

Vsyozh, fishing - fair lokhotron.
pokupayesh the jeep, the boat, udochku.
primanki, from vodka to mormyshki.
a you catch... gonorrhea.

*****

Two godfathers meet. (2) govopit:
(1) - Send one (1) another on okhotu
(2) - Well went. And you are able to shoot?
(1) - Yes I... Master of sport in firing... I will surpass any! And here you stpelyat
umeesh?
(2) - Yes I... Three-time Olympic champion... I will give odds to any!
poshli godfathers in the wood. Gun one for two. Look - the bear idyot.
(1) Takes the gun: - Now I to it otstrelyu the left egg... Babakh
medvedyu naturally it is not sweet. He starts running in their stoponu.
(2) Takes the gun: - Now I to it otstrelyu the right egg... Chpok Osechka! Two of them on trees also wait for
zalezli that further budet.
a the bear ran up and climbs on a tree to that godfather who without puzhya.
dpugoy of godmothers (1) shouts: - Qom I to it now Chong Otstrelue!
(2) - A-a-a-a-a-aaaa! SHOOT AT the HEAD! I on eyes see. It not TR @@ TSYA CLIMBS! Two godfathers meet. (2) speaks to one (1) another:

*****

Skilled seamen well and stali
vspominat met somehow time...
ODIN:
-Ya here somehow barehanded strangled once a polar bear! I time of a whale one shot killed with
DRUGOY:
-A... After some pauzy:
- And you the Dead Sea know
trety?... So it I it.

*****

Two beginning hunters met in the wood! Both corpses!!

*****

Met in the wood two unfamiliar with each other okhotnika.
odin very long looked at another and speaks:
-Listen! If not moustaches, you precisely are the copy moyey
zheny... Listen to
-, the waiter, you assure, what this paste is made from zaytsa.
-Taking into account present severe conditions we add in nego
nemnogo govyadiny.
- And in what proportion?
-Exactly half: one cow, one zayats.
stuk at a door finds the lover in posteli:
-Get up rather! My husband from hunting returned! - the scared woman squeals - Jump in a window!
-Darling but after all we on the 13th floor...
-Jump! Now not to prejudices. At it the gun i
okhotnichy nozh.
odin the hunter goes with the gun to the wood. Another comes back s
okhoty and incessantly kashlyaet.
-That with you? - asks pervyy.
-Yes here caught a cold on okhote.
-I too coughed recently. And a throat bolelo.
-Well and how you recovered? - You ask bolnoy.
-only do not laugh, - answers going to the wood, - but moya
Wife arranged me good sex and all as a hand snyalo.
-Oh, as fine! - the patient was delighted - So you tell,
ona now houses?

*****

Two hunters met in the wood. Sat down to have a rest, talk. One vzdykhayet:
-my favourite hunting for lions. Yes only, where to find them? Here not Afrika.
-do not grieve! My friend flies to Africa tomorrow, he you with himself vozmet.
pomolchali. The second hunter speaks:
- And I like to hunt on tigers. Yes only, where you will find them here?
-O! My friend too flies tomorrow to Africa. It with itself(himself) will take you. Sidyat.
zadumalis. Became dejected... Suddenly, in two golosa:
- And well nakh@y, this Africa! Went to the lake of ducks tomorrow to shoot.

*****

Two met okhotnika.
-You do not know why Ivanych got divorced from wife? Chasto
uyezzhal on hunting? You Understand
-, they had different tastes: she loved men,
A he is women.

*****

Two met okhotnika:
-Tell, how a she-bear zavalil.
-As usual: caress, champagne, light music...

*****

Two hunters met. One at drugogo:
-You also ask Pyotr Ivanovich, the watchman of a pishchekombinat knew?
-Knew, and what with it?
-choked with Goulash. Married the son, drank at a wedding, burst out laughing and choked with goulash. In destiny! Good there was a person!
-Yes, destiny that raven: is turned, turned and will fall by drop...

*****

Two hunters met. One and asks:
-As is worked?
-As in the wood! What the chief - an oak, what the subordinate - a stub, what paper - lipa.
- And how you live?
-As in the fairy tale! Houses the mother-in-law - the Baba-yaga, the wife - the witch, the neigbour - Tsarevna-Lyagushka, and her husband - Ivan the Fool.