Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

334  335  336  337  338  339  340  341  342  343  344  345

On a halt two hunters tell each other baizes. One speaks:
-I Fly on the fighter once, decided to cut off a way, to fly by through tonnel.
zaletayu in a tunnel - towards the train... I am developed, I take off and poletel
dalshe.
-Happens, happens. And I here had a case. Took vodka bottles on hunting, and topor
doma forgot. Could not open - it was necessary to the house terpet.
-you Lie! Such does not happen!

*****

On fishing the man - and all not klyuet.
-About my God sits two and a half hours, - the man begged, - send you to me at least one big small fish!
vsplyvayet blue kit:
-Well?

*****

In the market the man - the hunter buys a doggie. Osmotrevshi
ee, asks:
- And it has a family tree?
-A, on which? It uses any...
okhotnik calls vrachu:
- The Doctor! Dreamed me, what I am a horse and ate the whole cart travy.
-Calm down, after all it son.
-Yes? And where my straw mattress disappeared?

*****

At meeting of hunters the question was asked the representative of society of protection prirody:
-What to do to the hunter if one animal brought in the Red List,
sobirayetsya to eat other animal too brought in the Red List?

*****

On sude.
-As you killed the wife?
-She told me that I and a finger for it will not move. I in to
time held the gun, and moved...

*****

- What do you call unlucky hunter?
- spinster.

*****

The real hunter will determine age of a bear by quantity having drained in on paws.

*****

- You do not know, our governor does not like to hunt from the helicopter?
-Is not present, not lyubit.
-It is a pity...

*****

- I do not understand, Vasyl Petrovich as you always manage to catch so much fish. Probably, good know a place?
- The Place wonderful, it is only necessary to order beforehand that did not sell before your return from fishing!

*****

- Yes be not upset. I after all too asked not "big tennis" from fish?

*****

- Why you do not shoot at this hare? You unless do not see
-how it runs?! Perhaps still mad, well it to hell!

*****

Recently I nearly died from fear, - tells one okhotnik.
-Imagine, I go on the wood and suddenly I see - a snake!
-I that? - scaredly scream zhenshchiny.
-Anything. Looked narrowly and saw, what it only obychnaya
palka.
- And why you so were frightened?
-Because a stick which I grabbed to kill this creature,
okazalas a snake!

*****

Nemets:
- At us cattle kill with electric current that it ne
boyalas, and that meat can gorchit.
anglichanin:
- And at us to it at first allow to eat well and listen to Bach from it its meat becomes more tasty...
russkiy:
-A at us, the devil only knows! You come to shop, and there bones,
kopyta, mugs, ragout... Blow up, probably...

*****

The unlucky hunter bought from the dealer of a hare and torzhestvenno
prines it home. The wife took a trophy, smelled and declared that on
izryadno podporchen.
-All right, darling, you well made that killed this hare, she told the husband - It is visible, it and itself already dokhodil.
i threw out it in a refuse chute,
okhotnik fell into hands of cannibals. The leader of this tribe prikazal
privyazat it to a column and to drag a big tub with kipyatkom.
no to the hunter it was succeeded to save the life, despite everything eti
prigotovleniya.
kak only the leader took a big knife and approached it, okhotnik
pokazal to it on the stomach where there was a thick hem from remote appendicitis, and zayavil:
-I am not edible, the leader of the next tribe already tried me...

*****

- Something was caught? - is interested prokhozhiy.
-Yes, - the fisherman gloomy answers. - Caught one and threw in reku.
-Probably, small was?
-Yes, growth approximately from you and the same importunate.

*****

New victory of Estonian dog breeders - new breed - Estonian hound. The dog is brought for the shelter of wounded turtles and snails. Executes commands of the owner very carefully, however, 20-30 minutes later after podachi.
ochen loves children with a delay of intellectual development.

*****

The new Russian receives the letter from the English partner with whom there was on okhote.
dorogoy a sir as my secretary - the lady, I not mogu
prodiktovat to it that I think of you. Moreover, as ya
dzhentlmen, I have no right even to think of you so. But as vy
ni that, another, that, I hope, you will understand me correctly.

*****

New Russian comes to Vienna on hunting, ostanavlivayetsya
v to the best hotel, at hotel restaurant orders a magnificent lunch. But finds it difficult to elect desert.
-Perhaps orange as jelly? - prompts ofitsiant.
-Nesi.
-of Coffee of iced coffee? Bear
-...
-Or perhaps charlotte?
-Charlotte? - with interest asks new russkiy.
-It is possible. Let goes straight in nomer.
zvonyat to the hunter on rabotu:
"your mother-in-law was attacked by a tiger. Rescue! "
okhotnik:
" Itself attacked, itself let and defends".

*****

The new Russian comes to tour agency to buy round with hunting - On a bear hunted? On a tiger? On an elephant? - Everything I tried it. Something poostree-it is clear to me. Vasya, is your client. The huge big fellow - Exotic hunting comes. Nearby. Thrills are guaranteed. Surely put on a crimson jacket. Leave in the country wood, Vasya:- At you how many with itself cash? - About a piece of dollars - it is good. Wait some minutes here, I descend to in that that gruppeokhotnikov-beaters, I will agree. Vasya approaches three huge big fellows, armed with guns:-Friends, that goat in the crimson ran into debt me piece!

*****

New Russian on the way on hunting came around in magazin.
-It at you that, curd cake? And it is a sausage? Please, on kilogram, tonenko cut also each slice to a zaluminiruyta. And eto
finiki? Half a kilo and too each date to a zaluminiruyta, budte
lyubezny. And it that?
-Is rice. But it not prodayets?!!!

*****

- Well it is necessary, I left at home a bait! - exclaimed rybak.
-That? - the workmate cried. - The devil pobrat you, the idiot you headless, the milksop...
-Yes that with you? - the fisherman was surprised. - You could also leave at home a box with

*****

- Well, Ivan, you have a yesterday's hunting?
-Yes is unimportant, Stepan, from a game only and met an eaglet. I go,
ponimayesh, I go to myself, lo and behold - and it sits on cable stolbe.
nu, I aimed and - bakh-ba! Pincers from it in one party,

*****

- Well as, men, klyuyot?
-Pecks! We do not manage to get from a bottle backpack!!

*****

- Well also bothered me to live in this dirty pond! - the crucian karasyu.
-complains And you grab a hook, - that advised, - and at once will get to sour cream.

*****

- Well, how your hunting was successful?
-is quite good. Five together killed one zaytsa.
- And how you divided it? We it did not find
-A!

*****

The announcement in park: To dogs without muzzle to enter zapreshcheno.
-Look, - Mendel, - here and dogs competent notices.

*****

Objyavleniye:
- The hunting dog, red, shaggy Was gone, the nickname Reks.
nashedshego waits for remuneration. A cap not predlagat.
matroskin sits, reads gazetu:
-Over Prostokvashino "Boeing-747" was brought down. Well, Ball! Well,
okhotnichek!

*****

The widowed mother-in-law asks zyatya:
-Can marry to me after a while? Here here in park where I walk, odin
okhotnik to me pristayet.
-Well you all the time, mummy! At you both heart plays pranks, and the liver hurts, i
diabet. Where to you in marriage?
-But I still can lie! - with insult the mother-in-law responded.

*****

One businessman presented to the Chukchi hunter "KamAZ". Through god
vstretilis, and the businessman asks chukchu:
-Well as the car?
-Good car, however. In a cabin heat, headlights tundru
osveshchayut. One is bad, doggies quickly are tired...

*****

One boy wrote the story: "Unsuccessful hunting". One uncle went shooting. I
utonul. And his dog is not present. It was shot.

*****

One man got an award and decided to buy new opticheskiy
pritsel for the rifle. He came into weapon shop and asked prodavtsa
pokazat that at it is. The seller takes out a riflescope i
speaks:
-This model is so good, what you can see my house on samoy
vershine in - he holma.
muzhik watches that through a sight and begins smeyatsya.
-That the ridiculous? - asks prodavets.
-I see the naked man and the naked woman running on the house, - otvechayet
muzhik.
prodavets snatches out a sight at the man and looks at the house. Then it dayet
emu two bullets and speaks:
-I will give you this sight free of charge if you take these bullets,
postrelish my wife a head, and to this villain otstrelit @#ен!
Мужик once again peers into a sight and otvechayet:
-Hm-m, and know, perhaps I will be able to make it one shot.

*****

One man, having decided to check correctness of a proverb "there is still a gunpowder in powder flasks", began to pour regularly to itself in food instead of salt gunpowder. Having noticed improvement of the state, he continued to eat this product. He lived 108 years, having left behind 10 children, 28 grandsons, 44 great-grandsons and a 5-meter funnel on a crematorium place.

*****

One man asks drugogo:
-You go fishing?
-NET.
-A why? Because I read
-in a horoscope that favorable day for fishes today.

*****

Once we with men on a cheetah okhotilis.
podnyali a cheetah, ran. We look - there is no cheetah! But we know that cheetahs are tired quickly!. Unconcernedly we run on the savanna. Hour ran, two... We look - a dead cheetah...
VOT so I, men, tired out a cheetah.

*****

One hunter drugomu:
-you Know, at me strange sobaka.
kogda I shoot, she falls to the ground and rides from a laughter! That does it do
-A if you get? I do not know
-, it at me only 3 years.

*****

One hunter to another?
-Ya I get to a hare from distance of 100 steps?
-is interesting where you will find such hares who wait until you measure hundred steps?

*****

One hunter - drugomu:
-you Represent, I killed with one shot two partridges and two hares today!
-It as it so?!!
-Yes I shot at a partridge - it, falling, hooked on one more - and they together fell to a hare...
- And one more?!
-A me return rejected it - and I pressed down one more.

*****

One hunter drugomu:
-Listen and how to distinguish a hare from a doe hare?
-Yes is simple. You take it for ears, you put it on the earth and attentively smotrish:
If ran - the hare and if ran - a doe hare means.

*****

One hunter complains to another: You represent, court prisudil
mne a penalty five thousand karbovanets that I called Vasyl a boar. Last time most from me took hundred karbovanets for this. Chego
zhe you want, itself know how now the game rose in price.