Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

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The Chukchi from hunting goes by the bus, all from himself proud. To nemu
podkhodit kontroler:
-your ticket?
- The Chukchi will go without ticket!
vtoroy controler podkhodit:
-Citizen, your ticket!
- The Chukchi will go without ticket!
kontrolery rumpled it a little and threw out from avtobusa.
vrezalsya it the head in a tree and came in sebya:
- The Chukchi will go without ticket! The Chukchi has a travel card!

*****

The Chukchi goes to a taxi across Moscow. Ahead the drunk. The driver tries to go round it, no
kuda aside it turned, drunk tends there, but here pochti
proskochil the taxi driver by the drunkard, here the Chukchi opened a door of the car and sshib pyanitsu:
-Absolutely bad hunter, - the Chukchi speaks to the taxi driver, - be not the Chukchi, would leave.

*****

Two counts go by the train, smoke cigars, conduct conversation. One speaks.
-Lord Chesterton, I was told very amusing story, however it is not believed that it is the truth. On one hunting beaters honestly performed the work, but the huge lion somehow managed to escape from an environment, and he rushed on the hunter. That gave I tear up, and represent, jumped over a three-meter fence of the thrown ground! But there is more to come! In a second he suddenly jumps back as you guessed, is already perfect without dispersal and falls accurately on a lion. The animal, certainly, died. Incredibly, truth? It is interesting to
-Soglasen.
-to know, what was on that party of a fence?
-Krokodil.
-you so think? I know
-Ya. I was that hunter.

*****

Two hunters on the steppe go. One smokes a cigarette. The second emu
speaks:
-Vasya, you with the cigarette look like duraka.
-Well, I will brush away in other party...

*****

The hedgehog and mole found the gun. The mole tychtsya in dulo:
-I see nothing!
EZHIK, sniffing, unintentionally presses a cock and speaks twitching in an agony krotu:
-Yes to you ridiculously, and I was frightened!

*****

If you go to hunt on the Godzilla - that chances 50 on 50: or it you... or IT you - depends on a sex of the Godzilla...

*****

The wife speaks muzhu:
-to You called priyatel.
-That he wanted?
-Asked to tell that fishing is cancelled, the bar is closed on an inventory.

*****

The wife speaks to the husband hunter pouring in a shot glass konyak:
-You have to follow an example of animals. They never drink,
If in it is not present neobkhodimosti.
-Truly. But never speak to them under a hand.

*****

Wife: the road where you were all night long?
husband : on rybalke.
Wife: picked up something?
husband (shuddering): I hope is not present.

*****

The wife calls the husband on mobilnik:
-Vanya, where are you?
-On okhote.
- And who it so breathes loudly?
-Medved.
-A groans why?
-I Wounded ego.
- And why a voice female?
-Well, you know! I am a hunter, but not the veterinarian!

*****

The wife at the husband hunter asks:
-Darling, and the truth, what a hare - the silliest animal?
-However, hare.

*****

Wife muzhu-okhotniku:
-Darling, soon Christmas. Isn't it time for us to go dosmotret
chto-nibud from bellows?
-Excellent idea! Only hurry up, and that the zoo is closed soon!

*****

The wife - muzhu-okhotniku:
- And I here when with you it was not familiar, was with Tsytskin on okhote.
-With whom? With Tsytskin?! Yes it cannot distinguish a butt from a trunk!
ON in the wood confuses a duck to a boar! In an elephant from two meters ne
popadyot! Hunter, what of it?!
-Well confuses. Well will not get. But to it always hunting!

*****

The wife attacked on the drunk husband hunter who entered in dom:
-How many times I said, what I do not want to see you in takom
sostoyanii?
-In that case why you wait for me to five o'clock in the morning?

*****

The wife of the hunter shows to the son new mink manto.
-Ma, you imagine that was costed to by a coat to this poor animal? Do not tell
-so about the father.

*****

The wife okhotniku.
-you Know, why on a compass a pocket mirror?
-What for? of
-It in order that as if you did not get drunk, you could always see the one who got lost!

*****

The wife brought home liverwurst. Why you ee
kupila? - asks husband .
etoy sausage feed only pets, and at us ni
koshki, the dog it seems is not present. You know, darling, do not bark.

*****

The wife swears at the husband - good okhotnikom.
-I at you live, as a dog!
-That, I treat you, how a dog?
-is worse. The dog has a fur coat, and at me is not present!

*****

The wife brings together the husband on rybalku:
- The Cat, catch to me a big trout! If the trout in shop is not, it is more than carp...

*****

Wife strictly to the husband hunter: Remember once and for all! I tell
If my dear, I mean only our dog! You know
A what difference between the hunter and a dog?
- The Dog makes up to the, and at strangers barks.

*****

Wife:
-What at you was yesterday a catch?
-Six leshchey.
-Means, us shortchanged. From shop the account came to eight.

*****

The wife reproaches muzha-okhotnika:
- At your hare - one bones! Ears you do not take
-A into account?

*****

The woman explains by phone of the podruge:
-You know, the darling, Harry this time was very lucky on hunting. It ne
podstrelili.

*****

Animals whom it is not enough, included in the Red List and which there is a lot of... in the Book about tasty and healthy food.

*****

Once upon a time there were in a taiga two geologists. They lived in poverty in an izba. And here harch came to an end at them, and the helicopter from the Continent all does not fly. There is nothing to do, took one gun and went a game to trade, and the second stayed at home on hozyaystvu.
tolko the hunter departed from an izba as met a bear. Bach Women!... and by. And the bear as will flock for the man. Well, the man on skis. Runs, runs to a saving izba. And a bear behind it: just about will catch up and sozhryot.
vot it, a door, it is only necessary to run and close. And here the man stumbles about a porch and falls. The bear under laws of inertia flies by geologa
vnutr. The man jumps, closes tightly a door and Vasya shouts in okoshko:
-, you skin it so far, and I will go still I will get something!

*****

Zhora gave to the neigbour Tsila of the hare killed on okhote.
- And a boar you will be able to kill? - asks ona.
-Bring.

*****

The journalist asks the hunter: "And neighbors do not steal from you? "Of course not!
A why near a hen house costs the gun?
VOT therefore do not steal.

*****

At a New Year's table okhotniki:
-Why you close eyes when you drink? Yes I promised
-to the wife, what in New year not budu
zaglyadyvat in ryumku.
-any more than Petrenko why you three days were not at work? asks brigadir.
-Yes went shooting, and the boar on a tree tired out me. Rub dnya
prishlos on it sidet.
- And than you ate? Food the wife brought
-A.

*****

- For this remarkable hunting I hit twenty partridges, - the hunter tells the drugu.
-You said, the father that hit seven partridges, - interfered the son okhotnika.
-last year, the sonny, you were still small, that znat
vsyu the truth.

*****

For this remarkable hunting I hit twenty partridges, - the hunter tells the drugu.
-You said, the father that hit seven partridges, - interfered the son okhotnika.
-last year, the sonny, you were still small to know all truth.

*****

Two hunters - Chukchi in a taiga got lost. One speaks:
- And well, give shoot! Perhaps us someone uslyshit.
vtoroy shoots, but nobody otzyvayetsya.
-Shoot still!
TOT shoots. Again tishina.
-Give still!
-I cannot, konchilis.
okhotnik during excursion on the lake Loch Ness asks arrows gida:
- And when the monster usually appears on a surface?
-Usually after the fifth glass, the sir...

*****

The swindler got into the apartment, and there the parrot in a cage and ovcharka.
popugay is silent, and the dog wags a tail. The thief grew bolder, nabral
veshchey and became leaves. But before leaving said:
-Well, buttocks fool, did not learn to speak?
-It I? Rex, fa?!!!

*****

The bear was brought to the neighborhood of the village. Zlyushchi-y! Guzzles cattle, the people cripple, is shorter - life from it is not present! Well, called the cool hunter. That arrived with the gun, with a dog, all such krutoy.
i speaks - "Aga, a bear! OK, we will hunt! You the volunteer of one provide Tokm to me." Well, men also exposed the strongest. Went, so the hunter (About) with that muzhuky (M) to the wood, and the bear - not the fool, opank - and climbed on a tree, a reptile. On the high...
(O) - Aha! We do so. Here to a taba the gun, cost under a tree. I now will climb upward and I will shake a bear. In... It falls, my dog seizes to it eggs, I go down, and we twist it. Got that?
(M) - Understood. Tokma nafig to me ruzhyishko?!
(O) - And! It if I will fall - shoot at mine sobaku.
vstrechayutsya two men. To one another: - I on hunting was yesterday, hedgehogs shot - the wife on a collar, to the mother-in-law of an insole in boty.
chukcha and the geologist collect pebbles on an ocean coast. Suddenly see the hungry polar bear going to them. Guns are not present. The Chukchi is enough a ski and begins them nadevat.
geolog: - It is useless. All the same you will not be able quicker to run medvedya.
- And me and it is not necessary to run quicker than a bear. I should run quicker you!
otpravilis two new Russians (NR) in a taiga on elks to hunt. Employed the helicopter. The pilot into place brought them and speaks:
-Keep in mind, the board cannot take more than two elks. Will not pull vertolet.
potom arrives that to take away clients - and those shot four elks. The pilot im:
-Is not present, only I will take two. I warned. Well it is impossible to overload mashinu.
a new Russians emu:
-Well about what a market, the commander? You do not worry, we will pay you. We here hunted a year ago, too then four elks filled up. So the pilot too then doubted, we paid him, it took all. And we will not offend you. Persuaded, well. Shipped all, flew up, in two minutes fell. In an hour recovered consciousness. One NR asks at drugogo:
-We where? - It seems that meters and sees 200 from that place where last year е@#%улись .
okhotnik comes from hunting, what the wife reads knigu:
-You did not miss?
-Is not present, the road. I spent these hours in society Vilyama
shekspira.
posmotrev on a chair, the husband zametil:
-I see, he forgot the hat here.

*****

The doe hare saw the hunter and speaks zaychatam:
-Well, to close ears! Now he will miss the mark and will use foul language so!

*****

- The wife tortured me, - the hunter to the companion po
uvlecheniyu-in the Morning of money complains asks, during the lunchtime asks, in the evening - asks...
-Well and where you take so much money? - asks tovarishch.
- And who will give it? - the

*****

NR comes into travel agency and orders to the agent, exotic hunting. А: Do not wish a safari? NR: Yes not... There not to see lions - mobsters around... А: And hunting for sharks in the Pacific Ocean? NR: Melancholy... Last year hunted - sharks are not present, our one muzzles... А: Then, maybe, to the Alps? NR: And cho there? А: Well as... Nature, sun, mountain goats... NR: Goats?! I told, our MUZZLES BOTHERED!!!

*****

The hunter in kafe.
-Old men comes, want focus?
-Hotim.
-Glass of vodka besplatno.
dayut to it glass of vodka. He drank. Threw a glass i
napraviv on it the gun up, shouted: "To stand!" The glass hung in mid-air. Then the hunter whistled and the glass fell. Rises because of stola
starichok:
-Shanks! Help, I have a problem! I will pay!
okhotnik directed the gun on the grandfather and shouted: "To stand!" At togo
vse in poryadke.
vdrug the old man snatches out the gun from a pocket and krichit:
-Who shvishnt, zashtrelyu!

*****

- Why you during a thunder-storm go shooting?
-Perhaps to me will carry and with a lightning will kill a hare!

*****

The inveterate hunter in the doorway of a vegetable marrow faced with local vrachom:
-Know, the doctor, what I hit today? Yes, I know
-, I already tied up it.