Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

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Two Armenians - the father and the son - leave from doma.
- The Father, the father where we go?
-On hunting, synok.
- The Father, the father, we have neither gun, nor a knife, even a slingshot net.
-Eee, the sonny, you do not know yet that such Armenian sglaz.
von, see under a bush the hare sits. Look what it beautiful, soft,
pushisty, and what beautiful eyes at it, what beautiful ears, pads...
zaychik suddenly fell and okochurilsya.
-Oh, the father - what you clever what you are the skillful hunter as you raspravilsya
s this hare who you are a good fellow... Father! Father!! Father!!!

*****

Two friends go shooting, on medvedya.
odin with the gun, another with the gun and sobakoy.
prishli in the wood, pulled out a bear, tired out it on derevo.
odin the hunter speaks to another? Hear
-Vasya, hold the gun, and I will get on derevo.
vasya:
-You that!? Nafiga to me gun!? To
-Vasya, listen here. I climb on a tree I dump a bear, my dog bites off to it eggs, and he dies!!. Vasya:
- And me what for?
- The Gun to you on that case if the bear will dump the gun menya.
- Then you will wet my dog!!!

*****

Two foreigners go across Moscow and razgovarivayut:
-psychology, Strange at Russians: tell one, think another, and do tretye.
-Yes at them and physiology other.
-As to understand it?
-Ya of times was on hunting and heard, how one gentleman speaks
drugomu: "Put on a cap on x., and that ears will freeze!"

*****

Two men went to hunt on ducks and took with themselves a dog. Returned without production, tired, злые.
- Yes, we were not lucky today, - tells one. - not in it business, - another answers, - it was just necessary to throw a dog above...

*****

Two hunters come out of the wood, and one of them suddenly falls to the ground. It seems, he does not breathe, his eyes glazed over. Other hunter snatches out phone and causes 911. Choking with excitement, he shouts in a tube: My friend is dead! What to do to me? The operator answers: Calm down, we will help you, but at first let's make sure that your friend is really dead. Some time in a tube silence, is heard then a shot. The hunter speaks to the dispatcher: All right, it is dead, what now?

*****

Two hunters share between soboy:
moya the wife sometimes cleans to me clothes and even the gun! Your
A? Washing
A, - tells another, - only my pockets.

*****

Two hunters came across hot scents of a leopard? Idi look at
-where it went?
-A you?
-A I will go to the opposite side, I will look, from where it left.

*****

Two hunters sit in bare.
odin asks priyatelya:
-That it you such thoughtful today? You Understand
-, I cannot remember in any way, whether that told me Wife:
to to drink a glass of beer and to come home to ten, whether vypit
desyat mugs and to come by an o'clock.

*****

Two hunting dogs watch closely for fluffy bolonkoy.
- The Beauty, - sighs odin.
-Not that word, you would see her wet - not a figure, but lovely sight!

*****

Two pensioners gather on rybalku.
odin another asks:
-But are not afraid to leave the apartment without supervision?
-Well. I at a door a note vstavil.
-What?
-"Fine, Vovan! I left for a while on strelku.
srochno leave on Midges or Rough, tell that a trunk at me. Sickly wetted yesterday. Iron".

*****

Two friends were on fishing. One was lucky: it pulled out krupnogo
leshcha which violently twitched and was not given in ruki.
-Listen in any way how to me to finish off it? - asked successful rybolov.
- And you drown it!

*****

Two friends hunted. Suddenly one of them saw the floating duck and threw up ruzhye.
-Well, it is not sports, - the companion stopped him. - The real hunter-sportsmen
nikogda does not shoot on floating ptitse.
- And is true. Better I will wait when it stops.

*****

Two loonies went to hunt on ducks and took with themselves sobaku.
vernulis without production, tired, zlye.
-we were not lucky, - talks odin.
-Not in volume sense, - another answers - it was necessary a dog vyshe
podbrasyvat.

*****

Two fishermen beseduyut:
-I hooked such fish once that there was even no scale of scales that it vzvesit.
- And I such that one its photo weighed 2 kg! Missile defense JOKES HUNTING AND FISHING

*****

Two fishermen spent day on the river bank. Towards evening one speaks
drugomu:
-Is one thing, in which I never poveryu.
-What?
-Lie that there are whole people which live one fishery.

*****

Two students of the agricultural technician went shooting. After a while they lost dru
gdrug from a look and continued hunting one by one. Suddenly one of them noticed nekoye
sheveleniye in bushes. The shot followed. Having approached closer the student found, chto
ranil the workmate. To his grief there was no limit. Having charged with the dying friend na
plechi, the student went to the nearest hospital... Two hours later in a reception,
gde the uneasy agricultural technician waited for messages about destiny of the friend, the Doctor entered vrach.
-, tell, he will live? Mm
-... I think, it would have more chances if you did not skin him...

*****

Two mad persons went shooting. The first hit a duck, and she fell to it nogam.
emu suddenly became her very much zhal.
-You not are guilty, - consoles another, - if you did not kill her, it all ravno
razbilas when falling.

*****

Two dogs sit talk. One speaks:
-Here I with the owner went shooting yesterday. There are we, I look - because of bushes the boar jumped out, and the owner as ill luck would have it forgot cartridges. Well I also threw oneself on the neck to it...
-What you courageous, a boar threw oneself on the neck!
-Yes not a boar, and the owner and as I will cry - run, the fool, run!.

*****

Two hunters went to a boar. Next day one of nikh
vozvrashchayetsya, hardly moving with carcass of a boar on a hump. Seeing, what ego
priyatelya is not present nearby, residents of its village sprashivayut:
-Kohl, and where Petrovich?
-Yes to it became bad, it fell, in two kilometers from here valyaetsya.
-As? You threw Petrovich and a poper of Coban?? Well Petrovich, probably, nobody will filch
-!

*****

Two new Russians were drunk too much and began to brag the friend before drugom.
-I Went, so to fishing. Took with itself "roof", well you know my mobsters - boys honourable, strict. Well we come, brochette was bungled, drunk, as usual, vodka, and for rods. Well I, a pancake, throw - took! I let's drag - I cannot. Friends to me to the aid, well you know my mobsters - they do not refuse to me anything. Pulled-pulled - the whole hour, and you will not believe - here such sturgeon pulled out, on eight meters! Well it you drive
-! Yes I will be responsible
-for a market! I measured, the friends measured - eight meters, in nature!
-Not, the brother, you drive! Sturgeons, the biggest, five meters pull, I read. Cut down a sturgeon!
-Yes I, in nature, will be responsible for a market! An arrow we will hammer
khochesh?
-All right, give I better to you the story I will tell. I went shooting here recently. Took with itself the Canadian pompovushka, well you know such - beat on the spot. I turn around - the muzzle moose leans out. Well I to it in a lobeshnik - Bach! Bach! It directly here also fell down hoofs up. Well, I think, cool, filled up an elk. Here because of a tree the huntsman leaves, and I have no permission to shooting. Well I in a fuse to it in a lobeshnik - Bach! Bach! Put to death. I stand... also I hear some rustles. I in bushes, and there the guy with the little girl - intim, well. And I have no place to disappear - the mokrukha went, and here witnesses. I on them - Bach! Bach! Put both. Then I think and from where they undertook? I move apart bushes - tents stand. Tourists, et their mother. What to do? Bach! Bach! Did some shooting all - five people! Recovered the breath, I look up - mothers expensive! - on a slope of "Ikarus" costs with passengers. And all from windows stare at me. Hundred fifty people!!! I Christ Bog ask you - cut down a sturgeon, and that I now all will shoot them!!!

*****

Two in tyurme:
-For what put?
-For poaching, glushil.
- And a lot of fish took fish?
-After explosion emerged two plotvy.
- And for it to you gave 10 years?!
-But behind small fry emerged two more divers.

*****

Two Chukchi hunt in tayge.
uvideli to protein. Bang-bang!
-However shkurka.
uvideli elk. Bang-bang!
-However myaso.
uvideli geologist. Bang-bang!
-However, matches, a flour, sol.
-You think, - the wife speaks to the husband hunter, - that vsyu
zhizn I can walk in this fur coat from a hare?
-A why is also not present? The hare after all could?

*****

The girl plays in a sandbox. The hunter with ruzhyem:
-approaches it want to Live? - asks for fun okhotnik.
-With you perhaps, an old goat. Go to mother... - indignantly the girl answered.

*****

Ded Mazaille rescued the full boat of hares and rows to the coast. Odin
zayats snatches out avtomat:
-Row to Sweden!

*****

Business was in Sahara, - one hunter tells - there were ya
iz cars, a double-barreled gun on call, go on sand. Suddenly poyavlyaetsya
neozhidanno lion. I shoot - a misfire, still I shoot - a misfire! I v
kabinu - the motor am not brought. Then I in a trice get on a tree...
-So after all in Sahara is not present trees, - notices priyatel.
-Well who pays attention to such trifle in minutu
opasnosti?!

*****

I bet, what my neighbor this week again drove moonshine, the hunter drugomu.
-speaks Why you so solved?
-his rabbits again filled a muzzle to my dog.

*****

Jack, the dog degenerate, be attentive! Now I ubyyu
lisu, and you that brought!
vystrel. Minutes through five dog comes back with a bullet in zubakh.
-Well and the idler! - the hunter speaks - I sent you za
lisoy, and you brought that is easier!

*****

John, well as there took place your hunting?
-is quite good, five together we killed zaytsa.
-Yes? And how you divided it? We it did not find
-A...

*****

- The game is?
-NET.
-A fish? I have no
-of Fish in shop naprotiv.
-Here the dog was!... Not a dog, and real lev.
s such dog not that the thief - a bird for a fence not pereletit.
- And why was? What with it? - Yes anything. Last night someon

*****

- Thanks, the doctor, - the hunter speaks, - a back pain passed,
teper is possible quietly and on hunting to go. But what it .
bylo, radiculitis?
-Well, - the doctor speaks, - simply braces were overwound.

*****

- The doctor, the doctor, - the hunter speaks - Sleeplessness torments me still! That I last time advised
-A to you? By
-to Consider rams... But it did not help!
-Well, let now each ram will tell you what-nibud
istoriyu...

*****

- My dear, you know, my parents against ya
vykhodila for you in marriage. They say that you very much uvlekayeshsya
okhotoy.
-But you too are engaged rybalkoy.
-Of course much, but they claim that someone from us has to stay at home.

*****

- Darling, you bought me for March 8 a gift?
-Of course, dorogaya.
- And it will be pleasant to me?
-If will not be pleasant, will give me, I dreamed of such spinning long ago.

*****

- Darling, you remember two weeks ago, you went with friends to catch a trout? I
Remember, Dorogaya.
- And so today one of trout called and told that is pregnant!!!

*****

The trainer shows to public the scientist hunting sobaku.
on asks ee:
-How many will be two to increase by two?
SOBAKA:
-of Gav, gav, gav, gav.
golos from zala:
- And how many will be five to increase by seven?
SOBAKA:
-Itself bark so much...

*****

Eger:
-Why you hit an elk? After all on these animals v
nashem to the wood I absolutely forgot to hunt zapreshcheno.
brakonyer:
-Because of the damed sclerosis, what na
vid an elk and who - zayats.
- And when understood that the elk zayats.
- When meat in a backpack stacked it.

*****

The huntsman caught on the lake the Chukchi brakonyera.
-You why a duck beat? Washing
-shoots a drake! As you can determine by
-A on the fly a duck it or a drake?
-Is very simple, however. If washing got - means, a drake, washing
If missed the mark - means, a duck!

*****

The man goes to fishing, hours of 4 mornings. Suddenly bushes with flashers are left by the traffic police car. From there the gibededeshnik gets out and stops ego:
-Dokumentiki.
muzhik grants the rights and the technical coupon. Traffic police:
- Normal people in such time sleep at home, and you go somewhere...
MUZHIK:
-Well and I here think, normal houses, and all of you on bushes hide...

*****

The lieutenant colonel with the driver sergeant goes to hunting. Shofer
asks:
-It is the truth, companion commander, what hippopotamuses fly?
-You that. Geldings, that... went crazy, perhaps! - podpolkovnik
pokrutil a finger at viska.
-Well. I to that ask, companion commander that companion general whom I carried earlier, told: yes, begemoty
letayut...
-Yes you that, Geldings? The general directly and told? Well...
voobshche they fly but only it is very low - almost over samoy
verkhushkoy the woods.