Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

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Each hunter wishes to know where the pheasant sits, and each ornithologist knows that the pheasant, as well as any other bird, cannot sit.

*****

- Every time when I ask you to buy me a new coat iz
naturalnogo furs, always I receive the same answer! - the wife okhotnika.
-But after all you is indignant and address to me with the same request.

*****

Having properly gamboled in the sea, friends sprawled on peske
i, sunbathing, were accepted tolkovat.
-by my best trophy, - Thibaut talks profusely, there was a sea turtle. But what turtle! Here look, I seychas
ee will draw - And, having stood up, it draws index paltsem
okruzhnost meter three in diametre.
- And why you drew only one eye of this monster?
-banters the friend.

*****

- What is the difference between a hunter for dogs and foxes?
- about two glasses of vodka.

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- The captain Ivanov, want to receive the major?
-Is so exact!
-is good, will eat in a sobering-up station and there receive the major Petrov.

*****

Once crocodiles lived on the land. And already then became famous for unusual greed. It happened to catch to two crocodiles on the bank of a rabbit. To divide production not zakhoteli
-I speak: very greedy were. Then one predlozhil:
-Let's argue: who will more long stay under water, that i
vyigrayet this rabbit entirely!
-All right! - agreed drugoy.
nyrnuli. Sat, sat, sat... And, imagine, learned to live in water. But the rabbit escaped. And since then kroliki
nikogda do not go to bathe. Never!

*****

When the Chukchi gathered for hunting for ducks, to him suggested to take with themselves horosho
obuchennuyu to it a dog. In the evening it comes back with an empty bag and hanging through
plecho half-dead sobakoy
-Why such unsuccessful hunting - ask at nego
-I cannot understand: whether ducks highly flied whether I low threw a dog...

*****

The company of friends comes back with okhoty.
-Well it is necessary! Listen, Charles how you managed so zdorovo
sokhranit these partridges? They as live, on them are not present nikakikh
sledov fraction!
-E!. Do as I, press a cock easier!

*****

Well 3 hunters as in that picture sit and about the feats talk. Well speaks:
-I such hare filled up one somehow to the house dones.
vtoroy:
- The Hogwash yesterday, I such wood-grouse filled up it what to lift not smog.
tretiy:
-I once of such elk filled up heavy a dog! Well I at it chopped off thighs on shoulders threw... speaks:
-Give
TUT 2 vmazhem.
nu hit. Tretiy:
-So on what I stopped... A-a-a well I put thighs on shoulders and vperdolit it at all length!

*****

The correspondent asks a question okhotniku-lyubitelyu:
- And long ago you hunt on elephants?
-Is not present, recently. I arrived here to hunt for butterflies, but lost ochki
...

*****

The peasant, with a huge cudgel in hands, appeared pered
prezidentom Societies of protection zhivotnykh.
-I came behind an award, - he declared,
-In this connection? - asks prezident.
-I saved life of a wolf, the peasant answers - Here this
dubinoy I could kill him, without batting an eyelid, but I it not sdelal.
- And what it was for a wolf? From where it appeared and where got to and i
voobshche, what it did? - began to ask him prisutstvuyushchiye.
-He broke off my wife!
prezident for a minute zadumalsya.
-my Friend, - were told by him at last, - I thought that you and so uzhe
dostafor sure are rewarded.

*****

Buy from me a dog, - one hunter drugomu.
tak she at you old speaks, sees nothing! Unless she at you should embroider
A?

*****

The lion got to a trap. There is by zayats:-Chto with you, Levushka? - got To a trap. - the doormat shaggy Sprawled here!

*****

The lady comes in weapon magazin.
-to me the revolver and cartridges to nemu.
-What caliber is necessary? Definitely I do not know
-, but my husband carries the 54th size.

*****

Two crucians lie in ooze, razgovarivayut.
-Hear, you will not believe - the fisherman at whom I broke, weighed, well, it is not less than 120 kilograms in any way!

*****

Fly over the tundra. The Chukchi hunter approaches the pilot and prosit:
-Open a door, however! Here to see my settlement! I will leave!
-is not necessary! That you it did not let out
-? - would ask the second pilot.
-Let jumped out!
-I Know them! One will jump out - twenty will jump!

*****

- A fox surprisingly cunning animal, - the husband speaks, having come s
okhoty.
-Something occurred? - asks Wife.
-Yes, I hit a fox today. I approach closer, I look, and na
ee a place the dog lies.

*****

The elk from a terrible hangover came to a watering place. Costs drinks up water - dry trees after all. And the hunter got out of bushes and fired on an elk from both trunks. The elk costs - will not stir. The hunter solved that missed the mark and again shot - an elk zero attention. The angered man hammers powerful cartridges and the third time shoots. The elk lifts a head and slowly so says in пространство:
- I drink Chyo and I drink and to me all are worse and worse...

*****

The elk wakes up from a wild hangover, respectively the head hurts, feet do not go, dry trees terrible. Well it also went to a stream, waters cold popit.
v bushes near a stream the hunter (with all personal belongings) the elk looks drinks, here thinks udach?!!!
vskinul the gun BA-BAHH BA-BAHH from two trunks,
los costs though that. The hunter in neponyatkakh
(as so it seems and the elk close, and missed),
zaryazhayet the second time, approaches closer, BABAHH BABAHH, the elk costs
A as stood drinks it appears. Okhotni?!!!!!?????
podkhodit appears closely to an elk in an emphasis from two stvolov
opyat BABAHH. And an elk stand?!!!
okhotnik in fear runs away, remembering also god i
cherta all mats which only znayet.
los costs drinks and thinks: "I drink something, I drink,
A to me all @#евей and @#еве?!!!"

*****

Lucian does not cease to praise highly before the wife exclusive advantages new hunting sobaki.
-You know, what I asked her, it right there all ponimayet.
inogda seems to me that it understands everything not worse me!
Wife did not fail zametit:
- And you think, what it testifies to her mind?

*****

The little boy comes in hunting magazin:
-to me, please, a carbine "Saiga", 30 cartridges and tourist spichki.
- The Boy, matches to children not a toy!

*****

Maria, you smoke? Since what time?
-C of that memorable day when the husband returned s
okhoty ahead of time and found stubs in an ashtray.

*****

Bear - it after all as the child small: it will be fixed and revet.
-Yes, and I, I remember, with toilet paper went to a bear...
-A on moles is better with the excavator...
-A on gophers - with a braid...

*****

The bear - the father (About) sits in a den, watches TV and smokes a tubule - has generally a rest. Round it the bear cub (M):
-(M) the Father runs, the father let's play in okhotnikov;
-(About) the Sonny, you that do not see, the father has a rest, smotrit;
-(M) the Father, the father well let's play the TV in okhotnikov;
-(About) Leave alone the sonny, the father USTAL;
-(M) the Father, the father well please let's play in okhotnikov;
-(About) Ladno; approaches a big chest, gets from there two human skulls, puts on fingers and, distorting a voice, speaks (the smoked bass):
-Petrovich! And here though bears are found!?
-Yes what here nakhren bears....

*****

The bear caught two hunters and speaks:
-On the first or second pay off!

*****

The bear sat down on a hedgehog and said:
-For what I loved the dead, so it for sharp criticism from below.

*****

The bear son asks medvedya-ottsa:
- The Father, the father, and here if I catch the mushroom picker, it is possible to eat?
-Is possible, synok.
- And here if hunter?
-Is possible and even nuzhno.
- And if fisherman?
-Is impossible, synok.
-But why, the father?
- Therefore, the sonny that from fishing meat decent bears alkogolikami
stanovyatsya.
asvad

*****

The militiaman - to the detainee okhotniku.
-You know, what to steal geese very badly? I Know
-, they too loudly shout!

*****

- Darling, - addresses to the hunter the wife - the more ya
chitayu fairy tales, the more I am convinced that a hare very silly animal. Isn't it?
-Quite right, hare you mine! The wife very much loves
MOYa zhivotnykh.
a my vegetarian.

*****

By the house went absolutely drunk okhotnik.
-About! Lodge! - he told himself, - can, will pour? The hunter entered an open door i
uvidel the wolf inclined with an axe over a corpse of Red Shapochki.
-Stop! Where! - the hunter shouted and without thinking twice fired in him. A wolf upal.
okhotnik reeling approached a window sill where stood drunk not enough butylka
portveyna... In the distance the militia siren was heard. Silently came seroye
utro...

*****

Minimum of words, maximum smysla:
"As it is difficult to kill in itself an animal without having spoiled a skin of"
"Who better than a hare knows, what such voracious appetite"?

*****

Mrs. Smith accompanies the husband on hunting in Africa. She snatches out the gun at a fly and aims in rushed on it nosoroga.
-Shoot, shoot! - shouts frightened husband .
-Well, - the wife speaks, - but you have to promise me, chto
ne will laugh over me if I miss!

*****

- Mischa why you do not move to giving?
-we cannot Yet, I want to teach Lesya that she barked,
kogda will want to eat. Already carried out about hundred trenirovok.
- And what, barks now?
-does not eat Now until I begin a bark!

*****

My father was the high quality hunter, it always got precisely in tsel.
no as he was the convinced vegetarian, it shot only po
gribam.

*****

The young woman, drowned in tears, enters in weapon magazin.
-my husband was lost in a road accident! - she exclaims,
-But, madam, - is perplexed the armorer, - I do not see...
-Yes, of course! I came to return you the gun that bought at vas
neskolko days ago, it is not necessary for me now.

*****

The young husband hunter, having come home, finds the wife who the first day manages in kitchen, all in slezakh.
-I wanted to make to you a surprise for lunch and bought a rabbit she murmurs - but here I cannot pluck from it feathers in any way.

*****

The young husband asks the wife: Who remains s
rebenkom today? I leave on okhotu.
-Let's tell fortunes on matches - the wife answers. If you pull out a long match - Your mother, and if short - togda
moya!

*****

The young hunter asked at opytnogo:
-As you manage to get a bear always? I approach
-A a big hole, I throw a stone and I shout there: "At!" If to me otvechayut
"At!", I shoot and I take out a big bear from there. After a while molodoy
okhotnik got to hospital and skilled went to visit ego.
-That with you? I suited
-On hunting to big - a big hole, threw a stone and kriknul:
-"there U-u-u-u!" In reply too "U-u-u-u!" I was frightened and shot, and from there -
tovarny the train...

*****

The young man the first time got on fishing and hvastayetsya:
-I took matches... Suddenly somebody a shish kebab zakhvatit.
opytny answers with ukhmylkoy:
- And all matches took...