Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

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The hare runs in shop: "You have a fraction?" Is not present. It in another,
trety, the fourth... the tenth (the last in the city), and at you fraction prodayetsya;
-was not Long ago. Then report to hunters: "I on them spat! "
okhotnik trains sobaku:
brosayet a bone - it returns. On hunting he did some shooting utku.
sobaka returns - a bone.

*****

Animals got to a hole (that hunters dug). Got hungry, and solved: who samyy
molodoy - also we will eat that. Fox: "I am three years old". Wolf: "To me two". Hare: "Mne
godik". Bear cub: "And me... and me... YES THOUGH to me AND HALF A YEAR of ALL I SO VREZhU
-ALL APPETITE WILL be GONE!"

*****

One man drugomu:
-Vasya calls, went in the evening on rybalku.
-Not poydu.
-That? Yes to me the wife of the house allowed to drink
-.

*****

Call to the Ministry of Emergency Situations:
-Hello, I am a hunter, went for goro-
dy, brought down an elk... What do I do now? The elk strongly suffered?
-It do not move, on the road a blood pool...
-you told, what you the hunter?
-Yes...
-U you is with itself the weapon?
-Is...
-Shoot down it that did not suffer!
through some minutes again zvonok.
-Hallo, it again I...
-you shot down an elk?!
-Is not present. he is kneeling, cries and before -

*****

The wild strawberry in the wood is grown up by mosquitoes, it is a bait for people, they so hunt.

*****

- Know, I like to wander in warm autumn day on the wood with the ruzhyishky...
-On hunting?
-Is not present, on mushrooms... Happened, you will approach so mushroom pickers - and you will tell prosto:
"Ukhta - how many mushrooms gathered"!

*****

- You know how it is easiest to kill a wasp?
-NET.
-Tire out it under a case and drank at it legs!

*****

The zoo just about has to be closed. Here about a cage with lvami
poyavlyaetsya the lady with a huge bouquet of flowers in the left hand and a box with chops in the right. Much to astonishment of all visitors, she throws a flower behind a flower and the chop behind a chop samomu
svirepomu lvu.
odin from gapers is asked sluzhitelya:
-That by it for the strange lady? Oh, I it well know
-, - the attendant - It prikhodit
syuda with gifts for a lion answers every evening. The matter is that before tem
kak it was caught, it broke off in the jungle of the hunter - her husband...

*****

- And then I rushed on a wolf and with one blow a knife cut to it a tail! - the hunter speaks?
-A why not the head? It someone already made
-to me.

*****

There is a poacher on the wood, on a shoulder - healthy such kaban.
vdrug from nowhere from bushes the huntsman. Bars it the way, directs a carbine, and with threat asks:
-It that it at you there on a shoulder?
brakonyer:
-On it... (looks around through the left shoulder) - anything, and on it... (looks around through right and shudders) - A-A-A-A!

*****

There is a Wolf on the wood hungry-golodnyy.
"What such to eat" - thinks. - "At least the hare got". And here, as in the fairy tale, bezhit
navstrechu the Hare. The wolf prepared for a jump, started crying, i
tak impudently declares Zaytsu:
-Listen, the Hare, I now will eat you! You the hunting license for a hare have
-A?

*****

There is a group of hunters, all in a camouflage, with import guns. The hare lays chickie. Reports on that in a ravine play v
karty: "Brothers, hunters go!" Senior asks: "And ty
razobral, what for hunters?" - "In a camouflage, with blestyashchimi
ruzhyami, with field-glasses! "We continue to play
", - tells starshoy-It "novye
russkiye". They will reach the first ravine, will drink vodka, zakusyat
khoroshenko, will shoot empty bottles and cheerful will leave home" .
vdrug there is a man. The hare sentry shouts: "Senior!
IDET the old man in an old padded jacket, in a malakhaa with the torn-off ear,
berdanka on a rope". Starshy at once pricked up the ears: "Polundra,
brattsy! Run up! This is the real hunter!"

*****

There is on the road a man with the gun, in hands a small box. Meets druga.
drug:
-Hi! Where you go?
-K to the mother-in-law on birthday. The gift bought - sergi.
- And what for? of Hole
-in ears to make the gun!

*****

There is a hare on the wood, sees - a sheep plachet.
-Who offended you! Yes, I now will kill it!
-of Waugh-au - lx fights!
-A-a-a-a-a, wolf. Well, our greyish in vain will not offend. With nim
dazhe hunters are considered!.

*****

There is a bear on the wood, sees, men fish, asks:
-Men, you will guzzle honey?
-(men joyfully) we Will be, we will be!!!
-Well, here is how will be, will call me!

*****

There is a hunter on the wood. Suddenly, sees, on a clearing of ten two dead hunters with gunshot wounds lie, and nearby a dead pylon, too the hit. The man dumayet:
-Probably, someone from them hit a boar, and then they argued - who, and could not resolve. Here business reached firing, and they shot down each other. Now the boar to me dostanetsya.
tolko he bent to lift a pylon as the shot from bushes was distributed. The man falls. The bear with a sniper rifle and speaks:
-In thirty years leans out of bushes, an animal is sillier than these hunters in life did not see!

*****

There is a hunter on the wood, the Cuckoo, a cuckoo hears a cuckoo and asks:
-, tell, how many to me to live in this world?
-of Ku...
-A why so ma...?

*****

There is a hunter on the wood and drags on spine
kosulyu. Suddenly appears eger.
e: "You Brakonyernichat, the friend? "
O: "Well from what you took? "
E: "And what it at you on a back?!!!! "
O: (rejecting aside) "Oh!!!!!!!!
ChTO IT??????????!!!!!!!!"

*****

There is a meeting in the company of hunters. Acts predsedatel:
-time of winter hunting Comes nearer. Will take how many vodka? In a year before last we took on one bottle on the brother - lost guns, last year took on two - lost the bus. What offer? okhotnik:
-I Suggest to take
vykhodit one this year on three, but the gun not to take and not to leave the bus.

*****

There is a meeting of officers of part. Acts polkovnik:
-Companions officers! Next Saturday we again go to hunting. In pozaproshlyy
raz we with ourselves took two boxes of vodka and lost dogs. Last time we vzyali
tri a vodka box also lost the bus. Therefore I order: next time berem
pyat boxes of vodka and to leave to nobody the bus!

*****

There is a court. The new Russian after hunting found the wife s
muzhchinoy in a bed. The judge asked ego:
-you told that the unwritten law would acquit you za
ubiystvo the lover of your wife, and that you set on nego
oruzhiye, but did not shoot. Why?
-Well, mister judge when I set the weapon on it, on
said: "How many you want for the weapon? Whether" I could kill the person, he tells
kogda about business.

*****

There is a trial. The judge asks:
-Accused why you made a fight with Petrov,
zhivushchim in the neighboring apartment? It secretly breeds with
-boars and it in the city apartment, na
desyatom a floor! So it is not forbidden to
-!
-But I was treated three months at the psychiatrist, considering that hryukanye
za a wall is a fruit of my sick imagination!

*****

There is down the street a hunter and suddenly You that see from a gate vyskakivayet
ego sosed-rybak.
-it, Stepa, such excited? - asks
okhotnik.
-Yes here, the wife beat, - tells rybak.
- And what you such uncombed? - asks okhotnik.
-Yes hardly escaped.-answers rybak.
okhotnik came to hospital with the complaint on kashel.
-Caught a cold on hunting, - he complains vrachu.
-you smoke? - inquires vrach.
-Is not present! - speaks okhotnik.
-It is a pity, - the doctor speaks - it would be now much easier for you if you give up smoking.

*****

There is a Chukchi the river bank. Towards to it up techeniyu
zhenshchina dragging pulls the boat. Another sits in the boat chukcha.
-Hi, the Chukchi! Where was, what saw?
-Hunting went, a white of the eyes shot. And how are you?
-A I to give birth to the woman to the city I carry...

*****

There is a Chukchi hunter on the road, matches are collected, about boxes chirkayet:
-Burnt, burned, burned...
ODNA a match flashes, it fast blows into it and with relief vzdykhayet:
-Whole...

*****

There are the road two hunters. And they are big lyubiteli
privrat.
uvidel one column in the distance and speaks drugomu:
-Look, on a column a fly sidit.
a that in a debt not ostalsya:
-Honestly, sits moreover with a cataract on the left eye.

*****

There are on the wood two hunters. Suddenly one asks:
-Ty saw?
- NET.
- Yes you that? Just a partridge over us proletela.
idut further. Here the first again asks:
-Ty saw?
- NET.
- Yes you that absolutely blind? The hare just ran!
through the first again asks:
-Ty saw some time?
vtoroy already feeling awkwardly decided to answer утвердительно:
- Yes saw!
So you then in it came?

*****

There are two hunters on the wood. Suddenly one speaks:
-Saw?
-Is not present, and what? Just the hare ran
-…
snova go. The first opyat:
-Well, saw?
-NET.
- The Fox by ran …
IDUT farther. The first again speaks:
-Well, saw?
vtoromu is already inconvenient. Solved sovrat:
-Yes, videl.
-Why you in it came?

*****

There are two Chukchi hunters on the wood. One drags on itself(himself) a phone booth, another - brevno.
-to You why a phone booth?
-If a wolf will attack, I in it will hide, however!
A to you why log?
-If a wolf will attack, I will throw it, and it will be easier to run,
odnako!

*****

There are two fishermen with rods on a taiga. Go, go... At last one asks drugogo:
-Well and where lions here?

*****

From Adler to the Kurumoch airport there arrived the inveterate hunter iz
selskikh areas. Only he stepped into a ladder as from it here zhe
sleteli bryuki.
-Tortured me stewardesses, - the passenger - To
zastegnite belts was indignant, undo...

*****

From a zoo the experienced bear murderer ran away. It long begal
po to the city, "spoiled" to many people. Nakonets
ego tired out on a tree. As ekzemplyar
byl very expensive, decided to take zhivyem.
for it caused skilled okhotnika.
nu, so it privalivat with a rope, the gun and healthy sobakoy.
:mne is necessary dobrovolets.
nashli to it dobrovoltsa.
okhotnik gives it the gun and speaks:
-Seychas I will climb on a tree and I will shake,
medved will fall, the dog will seize him za
yaytsa, and so far the bear will suffer, I will get down and I will connect it. Got that?
Understood, - the volunteer Answers,
-A the gun what for?
Will shoot down a dog if I fall the first.

*****

- Sorry, the milord, - the butler told, addressing to the owner, - but it seems to me that in a drawing room the thief is active - I Thank you, Gilbert, bring me the gun and a hunting suit. I Yadumat, checkered.

*****

Fairly drunk hunter leaves the wood and, hardly moving, goes to the car. The neighbor approaches it: - Unless it is possible v
takom to drive a state the car? - And that to do to me, the friend, you zhe
vidite that I cannot walk!

*****

I look for the girlfriend of life able to clean fish, to dig worms having a motor boat. The photo of the boat is obligatory.

*****

To the lawyer new Russian came, took seat on a table and speaks:
- The Wife always interferes with me with departure for hunting and fishing. I want to divorce with zhenoy.
-Any problems. Thousand dollarov.
-Thousand dollars? You went balmy! For 500 me undertake ee
pristrelit...

*****

The hunter resorts to the veterinarian and asks immediately otsech
khvost the sobaki.
- And what happened why it is so urgent? - is surprised vrach.
- There arrives my mother-in-law Tomorrow, and I do not want any druzheskikh
proyavleny.

*****

To the doctor comes pozhiloy
okhotnik:- The doctor, gathered here for hunting but that-to
plokho I feel, I want to check the zdorovye.
-Already I see, old man, - the doctor - At vas
yavno the expressed sclerosis and diabetes answers. - And how you guessed it?
-was surprised the hunter. - Elementary, - told doktor.
- The Fly of a rasstegnut and the bee flies nearby.

*****

Companion general approaches the general ryadovoy:
-, allow to ask? When the rocket takes off from a barrel, on what trajectory it flies? Ask
-, companion soldier.