Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

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One hunter tells drugomu.
-we Hunted somehow in pustyne.
zhara the utter. Suddenly in the distance seemed lvy.
-Well and what? So I also tell
-: seemed.

*****

One hunter tells how he filled up lva.
-Saw a lion, admitted closer, I shoot - a misfire. It on me snatched, I to run. It for me, and I on a tree. Suddenly he slipped, fell, I shoot from the second trunk - Bach, a lion napoval.
-Yes you all пи$дишь, you were simply trashed for fear!
-A as you think on what it slipped?

*****

One hunter asks drugogo:
-Speak, you have a dog very much the good?.
-is exact! - the second answers, - to what game will get - brings. Ne
popadesh - too brings...
-is healthy! - tells the first, - and you know, borrow a doggie for couple of days?.
-Yes easily! Only it... you mice, frogs, etc. like to eat?
-?!!!!
-Well then aim better and shoot more precisely...

*****

One friend invites another on rybalku.
-Yes you that, - that waves away, - I am not able fish lovit.
-Yes at all what here to be able, spill and drink.

*****

One fisherman speaks drugomu:
-I caught a salmon on 72 kilogramma.
-It that! And I caught a bronze candelabrum on 4 candles, and goreli.
-Listen to candles and if I dump 40 kilograms, you will extinguish candles?

*****

One fisherman imparts experience with another how to get rid of mosquitoes in time rybalki:
-Properly be rubbed with kind wine and then strew yourself small peskom.
komary will sit down, wines will get drunk and will start throwing stones each other.

*****

The run wild person long time lives in the desert. Strange instinktvynuzhdat it this way and that to creep to an antelope. Day, week, the month exhausted with desire he hunts for it on the desert, but the antelope manages to jump aside every time, the vposledny moment. In one of days it onnatalkivatsya on the helicopter which fell in a sandy barkhan pulls out the ottudaprelestny blonde, feeds a liquid her water. She opens eyes and speaks:-Ah, you saved to me life! I am ready to execute any your desire! - The woman, - it is exhausted the man asks, - be the person, help to catch an antelope. So we will drink for male fidelity of a goal.

*****

One girlfriend calls drugoy:
-Listen, you do not want egg in your beer?
-Of course, I want! And where you took it?
-Yes here to me two mountain eagles flew.

*****

One pike asks at drugoy:
- And you what bull-calves love - in oil or in a tomato?
-B masle.
-Togda we float to a motor depot!!!

*****

Once domestic dogs on the yard walk, uvideli
okhotnichyyu ran and began hvastat:
-I a St. Bernard!
-Ya Newfoundland dog!
-Ya riesenschnauzer!
-Ya mastino!
-A you who? - ask gonchuyu.
- And I to pee left, - the hound answers.

*****

Once the wife speaks muzhu:
-I Want a fried zaychatina and pobystrey.
-it is good, - answers husband .
through hour the wife already ate a fried hare. Ate and thinks: "Something here not to.
do the woods hour to go, the hare should be found, hour to stamp and an hour more that podzharit.
a he everything so quickly managed to make a hare". Asks muzha:
-As you managed so quickly a hare to get?
-Left I a log hut, and it on a fence sits. Bakhnul I from the gun, he and did not manage to mew.

*****

- Once on hunting in Africa I from distance of 500 meters pervym
vystrelom knocked down an elephant!
-It that! Recently on the North Sea I barehanded zadushil
belogo a bear!
-Yes, to a question of the seas: you heard about the Dead Sea?
-Well

*****

Once the dog became desperately chesatsya.
-That, fleas were got? - asks okhotnik.
-Is not present - thoughts...

*****

Once the Chukchi took with himself on hunting of Russian. Go, see - a den. Chukcha
brosil there the stone, got out of a den a furious bear and rushed na
okhotnikov. The Chukchi rushed nautek, behind him Russian, behind them - a bear. Run,
begut, here the Russian thought that at it on a shoulder the carbine hangs. It on begu
sorval a carbine, was developed and killed a bear on the spot. The Chukchi approaches and speaks:
-However, the Russian hunter - the bad hunter. Why now killed a bear?
NADO was at first to the house to reach, and now who will drag it?

*****

Once the Chukchi with the son hunt in tayge.
vidyat - a squirrel. Pf?!
-However, - shkurka.
vidyat - an elk. Pf?!
-However, - myaso.
vidyat - geologists. Pff! Pff! Pff!
-However, - matches.

*****

One very poor hunter was visited by the lawyer. Having taken out iz
portfelya official paper, he declared: It is entrusted to me soobshchit
vam that recently died relative all the property zaveshchal
vam. You inherit its estate with the woods adjoining to nemu
obshirnymi, 100 thousand dollars cash and a dog. The successor was tightened by a tube and asked: What breed dog?

*****

- Oh, at you in the house it is so dirty! - it exclaims sosedka.
-Yes everything the son-in-law is guilty, - the hostess answers - Thank God,
chto though three days ago on hunting uyekhal.
-Well itself say, what for hunting left, so than on
vinov

*****

Having ended hunting, all went to Kukushechka restaurant poobedat.
nu and, as usual, began hunting bayki.
nastala turn and Paul. He did not manage to open the mouth as Jules,
kotory always very much envied it, cried from another kontsa
stola:
-It is a lie! But listen to
-, Jules, after all I still told nothing!
-All the same, everything that you will tell, - lies!

*****

Having surrounded the gallant hunter who came out of the wood, children stali
prosit to tell it the most terrible case from it zhizni.
-Somehow I hunted in a dense forest, - it began the story,
- And suddenly behind me the huge-preogromny bear grew. On
skhvatil the last spirit also began to squeeze out me of me. Tut
ruzhye dropped out of my hands, and know, what the bear made? On
spustil me, lifted the gun and thrust its barrel in mine spinu.
- And what you undertook? - exclaimed become silent auditoriya.
-That I needed to do? - that sighed. - Prishlos
zhenitsya on his daughter. It appeared that it was it pereodetyy
papasha!

*****

- It with barehanded went to a bear...
-Wow, such cool hunter?
-Well, simply the fool...

*****

- How to define: hare or doe hare?
-It in sense - a male or a female?
-AGA.
-Well, it is very simple. At first it is necessary to catch. To put na
zemlyu. If the hare if ran - togda
zaychikha ran, so. Here and all premudrost.
tsentralny weap

*****

Skilled hunters know that if to go shooting during the marriage period, it is possible to kill two hares with one shot really.

*****

The skilled hunter imparts experience with nachinayushchim:
-Remember, it is best of all to hunt with dogs: how many you neither went, nor wandered, and home they will always find the road how will get hungry. But then do not let go a lead!

*****

Survey of appearance on military kafedre:
-Companion student why you have white socks?
-Yes here, one are erased, others did not find …. (muffled mutter) I know Nothing
-! Socks have to be (lifts up the right trouser-leg) libo
temno-blue, (lifts up the left trouser-leg) or dark green.

*****

The husband hunter was left by the wife. She speaks mothers at home: Kak
tolko I left the house, the shot was distributed... How you think, on
zastrelilsya?
-Ya I think, it opened a champagne bottle.

*****

The father gathers for hunting on kabana.
- The Father and why Tatars do not eat pork? - zadumchivo
asks syn.
- And you think, the sonny, what Russians now eat it?
-Mister colonel, - are asked by the young lieutenant, - kogda
vy were young what you had favourite hobbies?
-Hunting and women, lieutenant!
-A for whom you hunted?
-Of course, for women, the lieutenant!
dogovorilis hunters in the morning a bit earlier on morning zorku
podnyatsya. The treaty was adopted white-headed and razoshlis.
utrom one hunter morning after came to. Remembered about vechernem
dogovore and run to the second. Calls, that does not open. Enters, tot
eshche lezhit.
-You that forgot about the contract, even a door not otkryvayesh.
ya called, called... I nodded
-A, nodded, - the second answers - Really not clearly,
chto it means enter.

*****

The Chukchi on fishing freezed an ass. Replaced to it donor - from the died Jew. Operation took place unsuccessfully - the ass the Chukchi tore away.

*****

Two new Russians (NR) went to a taiga on elks to hunt. Employed the helicopter. The pilot into place brought them and speaks:
-Keep in mind, the board cannot take more than two elks. Will not pull vertolet.
potom arrives that to take away clients - and those shot four elks. The pilot im:
-Is not present, only I will take two. I warned. Well it is impossible to overload mashinu.
a new Russians emu:
-Well about what a market, the commander? You do not worry, we will pay you. We here hunted a year ago, too then four elks filled up. So the pilot too then doubted, we paid him, it took all. And we will not offend you. Persuaded, well. Shipped all, flew up, in two minutes fell. In an hour recovered consciousness. One NR asks at drugogo:
-We where? - It seems that meters 200 from that place, where last year е@#%улись.

*****

Two Chukchi on hunting went, hit a walrus, caught it by a tail i
tyanut home. But it is inconvenient to pull them, - the walrus canines plows the earth. Navstrechu
idet the hunter, sees the events and speaks im:
-Men and you take on the other hand, it is easier to drag budet.
vzyali. To one another speaks:
-Look, and in the truth it is easier, the clever man popalsya.
tashchili so, dragged, suddenly drugoy:
-E-e-e, the fool your man, we back to the sea dragged it?!

*****

Hunting for a polar bear in Norway is not forbidden. But defenders of the nature do not make noise. Because hunting is allowed without weapon and any technical means.

*****

Hunting with the Indian conductor. The Indian lays down on the earth, presses an ear... Then rises, speaks:
-Nearby bisons. Recently proshli.
-Hunters delighted. Ask how guessed?
-Yes here, all ear in bizony shit.

*****

- How hunting? - the fox - a cunning animal asks Wife.
-To what. I hit one today. I approach closer, I look, and on its place the dog lies.

*****

Children on Dnieper hunted, a game did not find therefore from a grief got drunk. Got into the boat and began to row back. Suddenly nearby on water notice a duck. They it crack an oar, it drowned, but again emerged, they again an oar - it again emerges. And here the voice from kamyshey:
-is distributed Beat, beat, do not hesitate - it rubber.

*****

The hunter in the wood hunts. The hare saw ran, he bang - shoots to him at a foot, that runs three further, he bang and the second foot otstrelit, that forepaws runs. The hunter shoots forepaws, the hare teeth about the earth moves, the hunter a beret and shoots teeth. Here the hare turns and speaks:
-Well fto you to me priftat?

*****

The hunter came back home from the veterinarian and, sighing, our poor doggie speaks zhene:
-! He all road whined, whined, budto
khotel to tell something to me...
glyanuv on a dog, the spouse voskliknula:
- The Idiot! This doggie wanted to tell you that he not ours.

*****

The hunter returned from India and brought with himself beautiful tigrovuyu
shkuru.
-Yes, the speech then went who whom, - he tells the friend - Eto
strashilishche attacked me because of bushes, and if I missed, it would break off me on slices. The wife joins to ikh
razgovoru: - As I am glad to darling that he attacked you! Otherwise u
nas there would be no such wonderful skin.

*****

The hunter, all raaskazyvat such skilled:-I saw many awful animals on the century, but I will tell you that the most terrible animal is a grizzly bear. If you did not kill him from the first shot, can consider that you are a dead man! You pobt - and he for you will run! You will dive into water - and it for you into water! You on a tree - and it on a tree! You... Here it is killed: - And if to hide? Okhonik, having a little thought:- And it will hide!

*****

The hunter with very vivid imagination tells how a week ago he odnim
vystrelom killed two partridges and zaytsa.
-I shot only at one partridge, - he tells, - but, falling, ona
skhvatila claws the second and fell down together with it on zemlyu.
- And how with a hare?
-Oh, with a hare was in a different way. From a shot so shibanut me a butt in a shoulder,
chto I departed a back on the earth and pressed down a hare who ran behind me.

*****

The hunter comes back home from hunting. The dog meets ego
zlobnym layem.
-That you about me to her told? - the hunter zhenu.
na a poultry market asks a certain citizen sells thoroughbred psa.
-How many want for it, - asks pokupatel.
-Tysyachu.
- And if a half?
-of Polsobaki not prodayu.
sidyat on the North Pole two polar bear, vodka vypivayut.
vmazali on one. Here one bear also asks drugogo:
-Fathers, and here the brown she-bear never appeared?
-Well! - answers vtoroy.
eshche on one drank. The first bear again with voprosom:
-So, maybe, the Himalaya any she-bear was?
-Yes was not also Himalaya. And in general, what for questions ty
ottsu you set it?
-Yes something, the father, I began to freeze...
DVA of the Chukchi caught a huge walrus. Hooked on it verevkami
za a tail and tanut, rest domoy.
a a walrus and a tail, both touches with flippers and moustaches snow, upirayetsya.
sovsem izmayalis chukcha.
a towards to them the geologist and speaks:
-So here that you against wool drag it, you it for usy
zavyazhite. It on wool itself poydet.
-However, thanks, the chief, - were delighted the Chukchi. Snyali
verevki from a tail, tied to moustaches and, really, a walrus poplyl
po to snow as on salazkakh.
chukcha with a walrus on the trailer even run pripustitsya. Dragged,
volokli skipping. Suddenly one Chukchi speaks drugomu:
-However, we back to the ocean dragged him.