Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

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The Russian and American hunters met, started conversation on at whom and as cattle ubivayut.
- At us electricity, - tells amerikanets.
- And at us, probably, blow up, - the Russian hunter speaks. Because you will come into shop, and there all horns and hoofs, horns da
kopyta!.

*****

The fisherman, the hunter and gribnik.
-to Sege I somehow over a hole met somehow, - tells rybak.
i suddenly pecked. I try to pull out production of anything it is impossible. Called neighbors - which-kak
upravilis. Verite:shchuka got square, with gold zubami.
-Well, it can be, - agree priyateli.
- And I, - the hunter tells, - I meet halfway somehow on lesu.
vdrug a boar. I only ruzhye
podnyal as it waved wings and uletel.
- And such can be, - agreed priyateli.
- And I for all summer of any mushroom did not find. Any rain ne
bylo. Once from a grief it was so cut with friends, there is morning after,
golova pig-iron. I speak to the wife: "Pour though self-races". And it to me v
otvet: "Yes I ran to shop - the small bottle of vodka was bought" by .
- Well, it cannot be in any way! - chorus zakrichali
priyateli.

*****

Three skilled hunters met somehow. And speaks:
-Here my Jack for thirty sec. after a shot brings one in teeth dich.
- The Hogwash your Jack, here mine for twenty and does not even puff - speaks drugoy.
-Men, do not quarrel - better my Doggy is not present. With it and guns it is not necessary to me. I it take Tak
kak and I throw it in the flying pack and it brings to me utku.
-Lie! - unanimously two other hunters exclaimed. - Prove! Watch
-! - It takes Doggy for a tail, untwists over the head and podbrasyvayet
vysoko in the sky, in pack of the flying-up ducks. Bobok with squeal dissecting air went v
vys. And on other coast two had a rest narkomana.
-About look a dog departed! - exclaimed odin.
-Precisely. - speaks drugoy.
-Oh, too to me the expert, and still said that a grass bad.

*****

Three hunters met and discuss the dignity of the sobak.
pervyy:
-I Went shooting once - the gun took, and cartridges forgot. Allowed a dog to smell the gun - she brought cartridges!
VTOROY:
-Went shooting I once - cartridges took, and the gun forgot. Allowed a dog to smell cartridges - she brought the gun!!
TRETIY:
-A I somehow went with the wife to bathe, and she forgot a bathing suit. Allowed a dog to smell at the wife of pro-boundaries of feet - it dragged the neighbor for eggs!!!

*****

Three hunters met: The first rasskazyvayet:
-Hid I yesterday on the fringe of the forest. I sit, I wait, suddenly I hear behind: "hr-hr-hr,
MTs-mts-mts, hr-hr-hr, mts-mts-mts". I-ak will be developed,-ak to a lupan from dvustvolki
dupletom... Voo-ot such HARE! The second podkhvatyvayet:
- And I too hid yesterday on the fringe of the forest. Too I sit, I wait, and too suddenly slyshu
szadi: "XXPP-XXPP-XXPP, MMTsTs-MMTsTs-MMTsTs, XXPP-XXPP-XXPP, MMTsTs-MMTsTs-MMTsTs". I-ak
razvernus,-ak to a lupan from a double-barreled gun a doublet... Voo-ot such ELK! Here tretiy
perebivayet:
- And I too hid yesterday, too on the fringe of the forest. Too I sit, too I wait, and tozhe
vdrug-ak I will hear behind: "HHH-RRR-HHH-RRR-HHH-RRR, МММЦЦЦ-МММЦЦЦ-МММЦЦЦ,
ХХХ-РРР-ХХХРРР-ХХХРРР, MMMTsTsTs-MMMTsTsTs-MMMTsTsTs, ЫЫЫЫ-ЫЫЫЫ-ЫЫЫЫЫЫ,
ЗЗЗРРРР-ЗЗЗРРР-ЗЗЗРРР, MMMM-AAAAAA, ЫЫЫЫЫЫЫЛЛЛЛЛАУУУУРРРРРР,
ЫЫЫЫХХХ-РРРРМ-ЩЩЩЩЩЩТРА-А-А-ПП, KYLL-KYLL-KYLLL, Ф-Ф-Ф-Ф-Ф-Г-КХА-А-А-А,
ННГА-ННГА-ННГА-А-А-А, BDY-BDY-BDY, S-S-S-S, MRA-MRAU-SSSKT, ShchShchNA-A-A-U-GHATT...
Y-Y-Ylla... PYRR-Pyrr... Ssarr-rr-r... A-a-a... y-y... at... and... oh about what eto
ya?.

*****

Three hunters on a halt met. Got to talking. And ikh
beseda it was tightened already on two... liter.

*****

Met three old priyatelya.
pervy speaks:
-Here a nedavicha on fishing went, caught a pike - in {------} 25 kilograms!
DVOYE of others - Wow!!!
vtoroy speaks:
- And I the day before yesterday went on hunting - hit fifteen wood-grouses, odin
vesil already 35 kilograms!!
DVOYE of others - Now that's something like it!!!
trety speaks:
- And we on hunting went yesterday, took "Russian's" bottle. And not bez
yazychka had a stopper, we eg could not open and home privezli.
dvoye napereboy:
-Well you lie, so in life does not happen!!!

*****

Two hunting dogs, one speaks:
-meet the owner on hunting byla.
- And sho Yesterday?
-Went on medvedya.
- And sho?
-Well the owner, as ill luck would have it forgot the gun!
-I sho?
-A here from bushes a bear, kaaak will jump out!
-I sho?!
-Well I as will rush on it! As I will seize all four paws, kak
zaoru!
-Here what you courageous! Rushed on an animal, shouted, zakusat!!!
-Yes on what animal! As I will seize the owner all four paws, kak
zaoru: "We run from here, the MORON!!!!!!"

*****

Two friends, one - the hunter meet, and - rybak.
nachali to tell the second as spent holidays and to brag the friend before drugom.
rybak:
-I here to Volga went to holiday, so caught the 20-meter osetra
okhotnik:
-will be enough to lie, such sturgeons do not happen. The biggest - 10 meters was, - yes I swear the book Ginessa.
rybak:
to you, I even with myself had a roulette, all who hotel
izmerili, the heap of the people will confirm!!!
okhotnik: well, and I here time went shooting and literally through a couple of hours a huge elk came across. I from the gun from one shot zavalil.
tolko I extinguish it began to skin, so because of bushes the forester left (and my license ended), well what to do, I and from the gun filled up it. Only I buried a corpse aside as again I hear rustle, the couple in bushes struck what to do, could notice that I banged the forester - it was necessary to clean them also. I grabbed everything that could cut from an elk and run towards the route, and there the bus with tourists - the person 40, reduce to 10, and that all will be lost!!!!!!!

*****

Two girlfriends meet in the village. One hvastayetsya:
-Manka, and my Vasya went shooting yesterday and a wild goose brought!
-Is lucky you, Nyushka! My Vaska for days on end on a sofa sleeps sluggishly and immoderately,
myshey not lovit.
-Yes drown you it on figs, Man!
-of Whom?!
-Yes the cat!
-Yes I about the husband!

*****

Two friends, inveterate the hunter and fans of dogs meet. Took a small bottle, mudflows on a shop and conversation as life begins, than a dog feed, when on hunting. Listen, tells one, and che we sit here, went to me, my wife the other day gave birth to three I will show you the guys cool boys... Well poyekhali.
vzyali a cake, a small bottle also went. Come home and at once on kitchen, again talk on hunting. The owner speaks and that we sit, I did not show the guys to you, we will go I will show quicker. Three little boys lezhat.
khozyain come into the room, there: you look, what nice guys!
gost: Yes, are good. ordinary, perhaps, it is possible to leave.

*****

Two hares meet, at one is interrupted lapka.
-On hunting?
-On hunting...
-Hunter?
-Hunter...
-Hit?
-Well, came...

*****

Two hares meet, one limps. The first asks:
-On hunting?
-On okhote.
- The Hunter?
-Okhotnik.
-Hit?
-It, came.

*****

Meet inveterate okhotniki:
-on hunting by one shot of an elephant filled up Recently!
-A here I from the rogatiny go to a bear!
-Men, and you about the Dead Sea heard? So it we with the brother killed him!

*****

Two men meet. One drugomu:
-I on hunting was yesterday, hedgehogs shot - the wife on a collar,
-to the mother-in-law of an insole in boats.

*****

Two hunters meet. One speaks:
-Is lucky you, again with a bear! How you hit them?
-Is very simple: I go on the wood, I see - a hole. I in it - "A- And!", from there - "At - at!" .
strelyayu, I run, the bear ready lies. Next day again meet,
udachlivy all in bintakh.
-That happened?
-Yes went on the wood, I look a hole. I there - "A- And", from there - "U- At!". I shoot,
zabegayu, and towards the train...

*****

Two hunters meet. Asks one another: - Well, how hunting? Hit somebody? - Yes, hit, hedgehogs. To the wife on a collar, the mother-in-law on slippers.

*****

Two hunters meet and the dog, the real wolfhound start praising hunting sobak.
-Here at me! (also shows the dog, ogromnuyu
ovcharku). Yesterday was with it on hunting, and for me wolves, so it troikh
nasmert zagryzla.
-It anything attacked! - tells the second. Here at me, the real wolfhound (and pokazyvayet
svoyu a small room doggie). What
-is a wolfhound? - asks in perplexity pervyy.
- And wolves choke with it - the second answers.

*****

Two meet okhotnika.
odin спрашивает
- well whom you hit yesterday?
-Kozu.
-Otkuda in these parts wild goats?
- And who told you, what the wild?!

*****

Two hunters meet, and asks:
-Listen to one and how you managed to fill up a she-bear?
A second otvechayet:
-Yes as always: flowers, champagne, candies and caress...

*****

Meet two new russkikh:
-Here, took itself the permit to a safari!
-Well and how quotations?
-Is acceptable. Hunting with the wife for a lion - 500 baksov; hunting with a lion na
zhenu - only one hundred!

*****

Meet the fisherman and okhotnik.
rybak and speaks:
"I caught such pike, yesterday" - and shows meter two with polovinoy.
okhotnik: "Well it is fine, listen. There are I somehow on the wood, suddenly - a losyara, and hunting there for them is forbidden. I am two boss - women - is ready los.
smotryu, the forester goes. Saw - did not see who it znayet.
ya - two boss - women - is ready lesnik.
oglyadyvayus, I see - the couple goes, walk means. It is necessary!
delat nothing... I am two boss - women - both on the spot ulozhil.
dumayu, it is necessary to do feet, I come to the road, and there the bus rose,
slomalsya means. Women, children, everything look at me. "
rybak: "Well, and further, further that? "
okhotnik: "Throw off two meters, and that all will be lost."

*****

Three hunters meet. One speaks:
-you go round the lake, you see, the duck flies, you her bang from the gun - vot
eto okhota.
vtoroy:
-Go on the wood, see, the hare runs - You it bang - this okhota.
tretiy:
-Go down the street, see, there is a woman nice. To you hunting,
EY hunting - this hunting.

*****

- Yesterday got a lot of game!
-A as reacted to it the wife? It onemela.
-It is necessary to
-... It is so much happiness at once!

*****

Yesterday I went on hunting, and the gun forgot to take with soboy.
- And when you remembered it?
- When brought home zaytsa.
-hit two geese Today!
- They were wild? They do not
-, but here their owner...

*****

Yesterday tried to do two things at once... Caught both!
zaytsy cannot still believe in it...

*****

- Yesterday I hit two geese...
- They were wild? They do not
-, and here their owner!

*****

- When you were young what you had the most favourite entertainments?
-Hunting and women!
-A for whom you hunted?
-For women!

*****

- Why you chose such dangerous profession? - Ask the hunter on slonov
-Annoying accident, - the hunter answers. - I arrived to youth in Afriku
izuchat of butterflies. But in the first day seeded points.

*****

- How you could shoot at the old friend?! - it seemed to me, what it is a deer in bushes - But then you understood, what were mistaken? - Only when the deer shot at me.

*****

- Why you killed a hare, without being the member of society of hunters? Why the hare ate with
-A my cabbage, without being the member of my family?!

*****

- Removed new breed of hunting bees. Huge as bears,
zlye as dogs... Honey they bring
-A?
-Of course, in the market take away from grandmas and bring.

*****

Call Vasily Ivanovich in a staff of army and govoryat:
-V. I., it is inconvenient: you it seems the war hero, the red divisional commander, and educations -
nikakogo. Come to academy. It otvechayet:
-it is necessary to write the composition There, and I to compose not umeyu.
- And you describe the heroic fighting everyday life, only without mistakes, and commas we sami
rasstavim. There comes V. I. to a division, tells all to Furmanov and asks:
-That to me to describe if we only also do that vodka we drink also Anku
trakhayem.
- And you write instead of a booze - we read books, and instead of Anka - we go shooting. In shtab
postupilo the composition: "Recently we with Furmanov brought in a staff 4 knizhki.
prochitali. Here Petka came and brought 2 hand-written small volumes. And they prochitali.
oblozhki were handed over in shop, bought one more book and gone shooting. We were through with Petkoy
khorosho, and Furmanov a trunk potassium permanganate cleans Doce."

*****

The distinguished guest from Moscow went shooting with Chukchi. Day go,
vtoroy, the third. Found a den. The distinguished guest took a stick and nachal
tykat it in a bear. The roar was distributed, the furious bear seemed. Chukchi were developed and to run, the guest behind them. Day run,
vtoroy run, and for the third day the guest stopped and zakrichal:
-Yes till what time we will drapat?
vskinul the gun also laid a bear one shot. Podoshli
chukchi, surrounded hulk, looked on gostya.
-However, though you and the big person, and absolutely silly. Teper
sam drag a bear to a settlement.

*****

There are I as from the house for hunting. I look it is direct on my telephone column the Eagle sits. Well I throw up the gun, I aim, Bach-Bach, Oh - Bach. Got. From a column. Claws in one party, flat-nose pliers and passatizh in another.

*****

The hungry hunter goes on the prairie. Looks - u
kostra the Indian ahead sits and fries meat. The hunter silently
podkhodit to a fire jumps off from a horse, takes meat and starts eating. Having sated, on
reshil your leader something not really is pleasant to talk with indeytsem.
-to me...
-is not pleasant - do not eat.

*****

Guest: Forgive, but your dog all the time for me smotrit.
okhotnik: Do not pay attention. It always so does, someone eats
kogda from its plate.

*****

Give to the person fish - and he will be full one day. Teach the person to catch fish - and he is the whole day budet
sidet in the boat and to drink beer.

*****

The diver - rare, but desired production of the underwater hunter.