Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

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- My hunting dog was moved to run behind cars minicars and barks as the madwoman! Prompt as ot
etogo to disaccustom her, - the hunter veterinara.
-So after all almost asks all dogs run behind cars, - the veterinarian okhotnika.
-So it so calms, - th

*****

The husband, having returned from hunting and speaks:
-Everything, Man, this month of meat you can not buy!
-filled up an elk In any way?
-Is not present, all pay spent on drink...

*****

The husband came back home from hunting with a red strip on lbu.
-Lipstick! - choked with anger Wife.
-Well, blood. On the way home there was an accident, and I razbil
golovu about a wheel avtomobilya.
-Well, your happiness, if so!

*****

The husband returned from hunting. Wife:
-That it for figure 17.25 On the piece of paper attached to a paw of your hare?
-Where? Ah it... It I wrote down time when killed it.

*****

The husband comes back from hunting without game. Wife:
-Where game?
-B to the wood where to be it?
Ha the husband comes the next day with raboty:
- And where a dinner?
-B restaurant where to it to be?

*****

The husband comes back from hunting, the wife approaches him and asks
-You where was ept?
-On okhote
- And che from you shit drags? You will not believe
-, there are we with a ball on the wood, well the ball at feet turned, turned and disappeared, I am its ball a ball, there is no ball, there are further, here to me with the back two paws on shoulders...
- And che?
-Well che I turn, and after all I see that a ball and ср#ть I cannot cease

*****

The husband comes back from hunting. The wife asks:
-How many hares you killed?
-of Any, but I fine frightened them.

*****

The husband who is coming back home from hunting calls the wife with vokzala:
-Mary, it I. I go domoy.
-As hunting, darling? Everything is normal
-, we will not buy month myaso.
-You killed an elk?
-Is not present, spent on drink a salary.

*****

The husband sent the telegram that arrives from hunting for one den
ranshe term. However, when arrived home, found at zheny
postoronnego the man. Furious, he ran out from a bedroom i
stolknulsya with the mother-in-law. Having told it that occurred, the husband declares,
chto between it and the wife everything is over, tomorrow it gives on razvod.
-Wait, Thomas, do not get excited. To such act moyey
docheri has to be some objyasneniye.
-Any explanations cannot be - between us everything is over! - the hour deceived husband .
through holds the ground the mother-in-law calls in its club and speaks:
-Thomas, you were not right, having told that to an act Mary Net
objyasneniya. It is not guilty of anything - it simply not poluchila
vashey telegrams.

*****

The husband became constant visitor on hunting. At last the wife did not sustain and began to persuade the husband to take her with herself. The husband tried to dissuade her, but it to any - I will go also all here! They arrived to the wood, on hunting, a lot of men and the wife. The husband took away it on a glade and speaks:
- The Wife, on you the gun, you stand here. We with men will go on the wood. to look for an elk, and then we will drive him to you on a glade. You as it will see - shoot. Only consider - hunters much - and an elk one. So as you will fill up it - run round it with the gun, admit nobody, and shout that it is your elk. Well understood?
-Ugu, ponyala.
muzhik left the wife, and itself went to other glade with hunters to drink, after all in the wood that in it never before elks were not. In the late afternoon he decided to visit as there his wife lives. He comes to a glade and observes such picture: the wife rushes with the gun on all glade round the animal killed for the man and shouts that is mochi:
-this is my elk. This is my elk. This is my elk? To
-fine figs with you, your yours, only give a saddle I will remove.

*****

The husband at a mirror after hunting with surprise touches malenkiye
rozhki, appeared at it on golove:
-Darling that it would mean? - he asks zhenu.
-I think that you reached a matrimonial maturity.

*****

The husband, the beginning hunter, comes back home from hunting. The wife asks:
-Well, hit something?
-Yes.
-A where production?
-B to hospital.

*****

The husband - the hunter explains sudye:
-I am compelled to insist on divorce. Before, when ya
prikhodil from hunting, the dog welcomed me bark, and the wife prinosila
shlepantsy. Now all on the contrary.

*****

The husband comes from hunting and sees, as usual, a lunch not gotov
na this time he decides to teach a good lesson the wife, turns and there are to dveri
-You where? - asks Wife.
-In restoran.
-You do not want to wait for minutes five?
-A that, in five minutes will be ready a lunch?
-Is not present, but I will be ready to go with you.

*****

The husband gathers for hunting and speaks zhene:
-I with friends will go for the weekend to hunt. Don't you mind?
Wife otvechayet:
-Go. I for horns will not hold you!

*****

The husband gathered for fishing, in the morning at the crack of dawn went outside, and there sleet. It returned and to a bed. Zhene:
-Tam such bad weather, snow, a rain speaks!
Wife answers: And mine, the fool, on fishing popersya!

*****

The husband who left on hunting with two dogs in an hour vernulsya.
-You came to take still cartridges? - asks Wife.
-Is not present, sobak.
-You are the silliest dog from all which I happened to see sometime, - Yannis shouts at the dog - I ask tebya
prinesti a padded duck, and you begin to make fire! Madam's
-! Why you wish to get divorced from husband?
-You see it is the inveterate hunter, often does not come, and, to tomu
zhe, for me very offensively to be the cuckold's wife!

*****

The man from a big bodun comes to a porch in the morning. To nemu
podbegayet the neigbour also complains that his hunting dog zagryzla
neskolko hens. The man long thought and vymolvil:
- The Dog is not guilty, curia it is necessary to bind!

*****

The man comes back from hunting in pyanyy:
-Well, the wife, we will not buy half a year of meat now!
Ta obradovalas:
-That, killed an elk?
-Is not present - all salary spent on drink!

*****

The man is objected from hunting the happy. Wife:
-As hunting?
-Class! The whole mountain shot hedgehogs! You that absolutely sduret
-? Why they are necessary!
-Well as. To you on a collar, the mother-in-law on insoles.

*****

The man comes in fishing magazin:
- The Girl, you have silicone baits?
-Man! I have all natural!

*****

The man on hunting nadybat on a bear den. Thrust into it the double-barreled gun and gave from both trunks. The bear got out of a den, put the man a cancer and ottrakhat. The man flew into a rage, came running home grabbed a machine gun - and to a den. Let out in it all holder. The bear got out of a den, put the man a cancer and ottrakhat. The man in rage, came running home grabbed a linking of grenades - and to a den. Threw into it grenades. There is a man mischievously rubbing hands near a huge funnel, and here from a raspberry brake the bear gets out and speaks:
-Listen, the man, I will not understand something: you are a hunter or the gay?

*****

The man on hunting with a dog. Suddenly the horse runs up and the Man speaks human golosom:
", let's light". That, having been stunned, stretches a cigarette. Horse: "Hear,
muzhik, and let's light, and that hoofs dirty". The man brings also a match. "Thanks,
muzhik". The horse runs away, absolutely stunned man looks her following, then na
sobaku, again to her following, again at a dog. Dog: "And that I that I, I okhuyela"

*****

The man mushroomed, did not find that and with an empty basket goes domoy.
vdrug sees in a grass something moves, appeared - a duck, podranok.
nu, production thinks nevertheless. Here from the wood the out of breath hunter runs out and krichit:
-Give my duck! It is impossible for me home without duck, and we propirovat that with men, the alibi is necessary to me! So simply I will not give
-!
-A as?
-we Will argue who will more painfully kick another on man's advantage, that and a duck!
-Agrees, kick pervyy.
gribnik kicked very much, the hunter fell, groans,
korchitsya from pain rides on the ground. Recovered the breath, rose. Okhotnik:
-Prepare, now I tebya.
-Yes take away you the duck!!!

*****

The man went shooting in a taiga. Got lost. Night. Cold. Strashno.
stoit, oryot:
-Hey! Help! There is somebody here?
vdrug feels, someone behind for a shoulder touches. Turns around - tam
ogromny a bear, asks: - Well I am! It became easier?

*****

- The man, went on рыбалку.
- Yes you che. I to fish not umeyu.
-A that here to be able - pour and drink.

*****

The man from fishing goes, sees him the neighbor in giving sits in a chaise lounge, and before it Kafelnikov with Safin are cut in tenis.
-Hey, you as it?... It to me the Goldfish desire executed
-! Where you it got
-A?
-Yes in our pond, at once behind a cane, only it old already, carries out only one desire and almost line does not hear!
muzhik threw the moment to a pond... generally poymal.
nu, fish really old. The tail oblez, is practically not present a chekhua, companies a message in hooks. Well human golosom.
-I also speak already old, I can only one desire execute! Also speak louder, and that I became hard of hearing... I Want
-a lot of money!
-of That is a lot of?
-of Dollars!
-of That-that?
-DOLLARS! It is A LOT OF DOLLARS!
-A-a-a-a! Understood. I will make. Go to yourself good luck! Will be to you... how you called them there?
-Dollars!
-Aga.
muzhik runs to itself on giving, and there from all over the world to it fax messages fly. All giving, all house the fax-bugamoy, generally is hammered with faxes. The man was upset. Here pancake, deaf fish. One desire, and that not correctly heard...
podkhodit neighbor.

*****

The man went fishing, sat down, poured a glass, put near himself i
rybachit. Hour sat, was exhausted to wait. Suddenly - pecks. Well it cut, gets, and s
kryuchka small karasik broke and directly in a glass. The man karasya
vybrosil, bit and further sits. Suddenly to it fish tumbled down and vse
krupnye. The man caught, how many it is necessary, gathered and left. In a pond two ryby
bazaryat:
- And the crucian, a padla, speaks: "Nalivaaat, and then otpuskaaaat".

*****

The man catches fish. Sees, the float began to shake. "Early to cut, let will swallow", - the man thinks. The float became even stronger koleb@tsya. "Early, let for certain will swallow", - the man thinks. The float disappeared under water, a rod - an arch. The man hazardously cuts and drags a rod on sebya.
chervyak from water takes off and oret:
- The Man, you that, were stunned? Slightly fishes did not eat me!!!

*****

The man gathered somehow for hunting. Took with itself the dog. But it was not lucky with weather. The rain began to drizzle. The game was hidden, wild beasts too. Wandered a little more. Shivered, got wet and the man decided to come back home. Poshchli.
muzhik ahead, a dog having bent the head the man trudges for muzhikom.
i suddenly hears behind golos:
-Well everything, today mine of a bough will definitely not believe that I was on okhote.
muzhik turned back, looked at a dog with astonishment and said - mine too.

*****

The man gathered for hunting, here the wife arises to go with him. Well, he decided to take it, gave the gun and instruktsiyu:
-we Will go in different directions if suddenly you hit an elk, at once run to it and guard before my arrival and if who approaches the stranger, krichi:
"This my, I hit it, go from here!!! "
ponyala?
-Understood!
priyekhali in the wood, dispersed in different directions, 5 minutes did not pass as muzhy hears: "Women!!! "
ON run in that party, runs out on the road, sees: big hulk lies, the wife is above it also the man kakoyto. Wife:
-This my, I hit it, and well go from here!!! To
-Yes your, your, give only a saddle I will remove...

*****

Men come to hunt in a forest area. They are told that there is such hunter who to the touch determines by a skin that it was for an animal and as he was killed. Call this hunter, ask: "Show!". That demands that poured 100 grams and gave a skin. The man drinks, to him tie with a scarf eyes and give a skin. That shchupayet:
-Is the wolf killed from a hunting carbine in golovu.
nalivayut 100 more grams, give other skin. The man shchupayet:
-Is the bear killed from a sawn-off shotgun in grud.
uzhe at night the man, drunk in a dymina, comes crawling home. The wife puts him to bed, that in a dream throws a hand to her between feet and bormochet:
- The Hedgehog, is killed with blow of an axe in a back.

*****

On the river bank fishermen - from the young man to the old man sit. On other coast - a beach on which couple of girls undresses pozagorat.
samy the young fisherman, postponing rods and climbing in vodu:
-I, perhaps, will swim poznakomitsya.
vtoroy, postponing udochki:
-I, perhaps, will go the boat poishchu.
trety, changing nazhivku:
- And me, perhaps, and from here to see everything!
chetvertyy:
-Will be necessary - will come!
TUT enters 60-year-old rybak:
-Cawed - already float!

*****

On a show-window of shop - two ducks: our and import. Import hvalitsya:
-Look, what I pink, and you all blue, zavetrenny. Ya
gladko it is chosen, and from you feathers torchat.
a ours with advantage otvechayet:
-But killed you, and I died a natural death!

*****

At conference of predators on razoruzheniyu.
volk:
-Let the eagle will dull klyuv.
orel:
-Agrees if the bear cuts off claws and will truncate klyki.
medved:
-I suggest all to truncate canines and beaks. Let's leave tolko
druzheskiye embraces.

*****

On a forest track, Givi vtretit two hunters dragging the killed bear. Giv, having nodded on a trophy, sprosil:
-Girizli?
okhotniki obizheno:
-Why grizzly, zarezila dagger!

*****

At one large enterprise decided to hold competition in hunting na
medvedey. Three teams were made: department of management, tekhnicheskiy
otdel and sales department. The first managers go to the wood,
kotorye make previously the mountain of documents and, having checked i
ubedivshis that all papers, necessary for hunting, as it should be, send v
sootvetstvuyushchuyu instance the fax with the notice of beginning time i
okonchanii hunting. After a while they come back with medvedem
vesma modest razmera.
sotrudniki technical department, without wishing to concede to managers, nachinayut
izuchat possibility of implementation of the project of hunting, count neobkhodimye
sroki, select the most suitable methods, study project details i
sostavlyayut the plan of its performance. At last they go to the wood and through
nekotoroye time, twice bigger, than it was supposed, vozvrashchayutsya
ustavshiye and angry, but drag with themselves a bear quite large razmera.
tut the turn of employees of the sales department comes. They nadevayut
dvubortnye jackets, ties, take the elegant portfolios and, kak
vsegda with the not disappearing smile on duty in all 32 teeth,
uglublyayutsya in the wood. Soon they who all were out of breath run out from the wood slomya
golovu, and behind them the huge bear rushes, growling and panting. Ne
ostanavlivayas, one of "shopkeepers" points a finger on medvedya
kollegam from other teams and krichit:
-we found the Bear … and all the rest - Your care!

*****

On hunting the high-ranking official asks:
-As is called that animal who I only, what hit vtekh places?
-Minute, now I learn! In a minute the huntsman vozvrashchayetsya.
-It is called Pupkin: it is so written in its passport...

*****

On okhote:
-Why you do not shoot at this hare? You unless do not see
-how runs?! Perhaps still mad, well it to hell!