Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

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The hunter comes back from hunting - on the one hand a goose, with another - ruzhye.
a itself all beaten, on a forehead the big cone. Neighbor asks:
-You from where, Vasya?
-C okhoty.
- The Goose, perhaps, the wild got?
-Well, a goose not wild, the owner wildish got.

*****

The hunter comes back from work and sees that the wife plachet.
-I baked to you pies from a game but when left kitchen,
kot ate everything to edinogo.
husband it uspokaivayet:
-do not cry. If something happens to it, I will buy you eshche
luchshego a cat.

*****

The hunter at vracha:
- The Doctor, disturbs me kashel.
-How old are you?
-Seventy pyat.
-In twenty years you coughed?
-NET.
-A in forty?
-Too net.
-So when to you to cough, how not now?

*****

The hunter during quarrel shouts zhene:
-Who in this house the owner?
-Ya, - quietly answers the wife - And what?
-Is not present, anything. So... simply... asked.

*****

Okhotnik-gabrovets buys in shop a bone for sobaki.
-That else wish? - asks prodavets.
-Wrap purchase in today's newspaper.

*****

The hunter speaks drugomu:
-I heard, your wife went on a diet?
-Oh, yes! She eats only bananas and drinks only kokosovoye
moloko.
-Probably she too grew thin?
-Not too but as creeps on trees!

*****

The hunter speaks to the friend: My wife at all not mozhet
khodit in a zoo. As soon as it appears before cages s
zhivotnymi, she starts being nervous, worry and cry...
pochemu? She grudges for poor animals? No, she cannot worry,
chto so many beautiful fur products is in cages bez
vsyakoy advantage....

*****

The hunter speaks zhene:
-You remember, I last year on hunting lost karmannye
chasy?
-Pomnyu.
- And so, I get old trousers from a wardrobe today, and there...
-Well, a hole in a pocket.

*****

The hunter drugu:
-you Know, my dog absolutely oblenilas.
- And what such?
-Earlier to take a walk, it brought a lead, and now car keys.

*****

Hunter to the friend!
-I do not suffer this cowardly dog. As soon as someone knocks v
dver, it climbs at once under a bed...
-Well and let lezet.
-So to us together there closely to lie.

*****

The hunter goes by the car on rural areas. It obgonyaet
kuritsa. It adds to gas. Smoked runs even quicker. Mashina
mchitsya with a speed of 100 kilometers per hour. At this time kuritsa
svorachivayet on a poultry farm. The driver stopped the car, approached k
rabotniku fermy:
-That it for breed of hens?
-removed Recently. Meat poroda.
-Tasty?
-A them knows a horse-radish, to catch up nobody mozhet.
-Hello! I am a hunter and the fisher. Here passes sjezd
zelenykh?
-you that, do not see - here meeting golubykh.
-I am a color-blind person.

*****

The hunter, having forgotten a slip to the gun without which you will not shoot,
S of the half-road comes back home. And the wife has already a lover. Ne
uspev to put on, the lover jumps on a chair and rests hands v
potolok.
- And it that for type? - the hunter zhenu.
-So same, Vasya, Apollon asks. So Greek sculpture. I ee
primerit took in our apartment...
husband goes on kitchen, comes back to the room and protyagivayet
to "Apollo": With
-On, be supported...
-You that, the man, went crazy? I am a sculpture, - vosklitsayet
lyubovnik.
-Take, take... I know. All evening of Apollo yesterday represented, so anybody even a drink did not pump water.

*****

The hunter fills in priyatelyam.
-Hunting was!!! Quite something! Hares - herds! Tolko
uspevali - to load and shoot, load and shoot,
zaryazhat and to shoot! And then did not manage even to load i
vsyo shot any more, shot, shot...

*****

Okhotnik
-you Know, and my Ball reads newspapers! I Know
-! My Doggy told me about him.

*****

The hunter intellectual goes on the desert. Meets beduina.
-Sorry, you will not prompt, where here a toilet? What
-A today day of week?
-Vtornik.
-In that case, go straight all the time, and on Friday svernite
nalevo.

*****

- The hunter bought the brand new car and went together so
svoim the friend to mountains on hunting. The road everything is higher and higher, turn za
povorotom, below deep propast.
drugu it becomes feel ill at ease, and it starts fidgeting - You th

*****

The hunter in the wood met medvedya.
-You who? - I ask medved.
-turist.
-Is not present, it I am a tourist, and you - a breakfast turista.
posetitel restaurant asks:
- At you are wild ducks?
-Is not present, but we have domestic ducks. And we can tease them especially for you.

*****

The hunter, by the boat, somewhere there on lakes, tracked down a drake. Vskinul
ruzhye also sees through a sight, a drake to it: - ts-ts-ts!!! (silently a pier) .
okhotnik okhrenet, wiped eyes, decided to swim up closer. Podplyl.
podnimayet the gun also sees through a sight, a drake to it: - ts-ts-ts!!!
ON again of an eye rubs, swims up already close, well closely and ruzhye
vskidyvayet.
selezen again to it: - ts-ts-ts!!!
okhotnik: - what?
selezen (in a whisper): - crucian!!!
okhotnik (with understanding, too in a whisper): - pecks???
selezen: - not - and, sucks!!

*****

The hunter on a horse rises in otel.
-That you do, - the porter shouts. On a ladder it is forbidden to go s
zhivotnymi strictly!
-A how to be, - comes true the hunter, if in the elevator konya
ukachivayet.

*****

Okhotnik:
-my dog is so clever when comes back home, sama
nazhimayet on the button zvonka.
-my dog should not do it: it has the key.

*****

Okhotnik:
-I like this dog, but, in my opinion, at her too short nogi.
prodavets:
- The Lord with you! They after all reach to the earth!

*****

The hunter addresses to ofitsiantu:
-Tell and why the former hunting beefsteak from dichi
teper at you is called "Robber"? I Will bring to
- The account - will understand.

*****

The hunter went on Sunday on hunting to mountains. On sklone
odnogo the hill he noticed the shepherd guarding sheep. It podoshel
k to it and said:
-Isn't that so, the friend, it is awfully boring to sit the whole day i
nichego here not to do?
-That you! - the shepherd answered - Here kakiyenibud idlers eternally get and ask foolish questions!
-Why this person stops at every turn?
-A, is my neighbor. He is a hunter. Simply habit force. It let
desyat walked along this route with the dog.

*****

Hunter okhotniku:
- There's nothing to be done buddy! Sometimes in a family it is necessary to go na
kompromiss. For example, the wife wanted a mink coat, and ya
"Zhiguli". And we came to konsensusu.
-As it?
-Is very simple! Bought a fur coat and we keep it in garage!

*****

The hunter approaches a den and shoots from the gun,
S the back it are patted shoulder by a bear and speaks:
-Or give substitute the back or I will eat!
muzhik thought a little and settled that to the back...
medved happy after the done "work" ushel.
muzhik ran home, took a shot-gun and returned to a den...
vystrelil, same situation... Again the man chose by
HU the back...
pribegayet again home is enough explosive, comes back,
shvyryaet explosive to a den, with the back the bear i
speaks:
-pats Hear, the man, so it, I did not understand, you are a hunter ili
gomoseksualist...?

*****

The hunter in full equipment meets priyatelya:
-Where it you gathered, after all the hunting season already ended? Yes, but my wife does not know
-about it so far …

*****

The hunter went shooting. Because of a bush two hares - and in different directions jump out. At the hunter of an eye dispersed. Friends called the doctor, that looked and said:
-Anything terrible. For the night put to it between an eye yaytso.
-in the Morning the hunter in morge.
vrach:
-That happened? Why died?
-Yes, - speak, - until to a navel held on, it already turned blue.

*****

The hunter on reception at vracha.
-Understand, the doctor, every day I wake up with roosters,
rabotayu as an ox, I have a voracious appetite, sleep as a groundhog, and I feel nevazhno.
-Well.- The doctor speaks - But whether not to address to you to the veterinarian?
prikhodit drunk hunter home. It is knocked. Wife asks:
-Who there?
-Log!
ONA does not open. Then he again knocks at the door. Wife
asks:
-Who there?
-Log! The wife also opened
podumala. The husband fell backwards and speaks:
- And now saw!

*****

The hunter comes home. Calls. The door is opened neznakomets.
-by You who such? - asks on.
-husband .
-That is necessary to you? I want to eat
-was tired on okhote.
- The Yesterday's borsch you will?
-Budu.
-Come tomorrow.

*****

The hunter sells a dog. The buyer is interested: - And this doggie true? - Very much! I already three times sold it, and it every time came back.

*****

The hunter drinks vodka. A parrot from kletki:
-Vasya, would pour fifty grammov.
-Yes I poured, but you will ask to freshen the nip in the morning! I Swear to
-, Vasya, I will not ask. And if I ask - cut to me krylya.
nautro the man freshens the nip, the parrot ruffled up, tries ne
smotret in his party. Then not vyderzhivayet:
-Vasya, and why to me wings? All the same in a cage I sit!

*****

The hunter on drunk business received ozhog.
vrachi called in hospital the wife and govoryat:
-your husband in a serious condition. Change kozhi.
spasti it is necessary only you if give the kozhu.
-can It from me already tore off three skins! Let now acquires the!

*****

The hunter tells in gostyakh:
- The Most dangerous animal - a grizzly. From this bear is not present spaseniya.
If you run, he runs still bystree.
If you plunge into the water, he too poplyvet.
- And if to hide? - someone from gostey.
-asked It too will hide!

*****

The hunter tells the child skazku.
-Once upon a time there was a Baba-yaga. Once it went to the wood for gribami.
no at it feet ached, the head began to spin. Cela Baba-Yaga na
penek, and here, from nowhere - a wolf. Grabbed and ate the Baba-yaga And diseases where got to? - asks rebenok.
-With diseases ate.

*****

The hunter decided to buy the wife as a gift lifchik.
prodavets wants to learn razmer.
-Well at least in a form: what it is a peach, an apple, malenkaya
dynka?
-Ears of a spaniel.

*****

The hunter gets into the tram and puts to himself on knees the gun, having directed it a barrel on soseda.
-is more careful, and that suddenly will shoot!
-Well and what? Once again I will load.

*****

The hunter, sitting at a table with the favourite dog, plays with ney
v cards. The friend and udivlyaetsya:
-What clever dog at you, John enters!
-Is not present, it not absolutely clever, see - wags a tail? Eto
znachit that to it the good card came!

*****

The hunter hvastayet:
-Hunting only began, and at my feet the dead zayats.
-Really already lay! - the listener - And of what he died is surprised?

*****

The hunter with a dog got lost in the wood. Three days go, wanted to eat and the gun dampened - heavy rain was. It struck the dog a butt on a head, cut and gobbled up. Then looked at a heap of bones and izryok:
- The Ball was not lucky, would gorge on now.