Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

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The hunter asks:
- The Doctor, really my sight will improve if I budu
est am more than carrots?
-Of course. You sometime saw a hare wearing spectacles?

*****

The hunter asks zhenu:
-That you would like, what I would present to you on birthday?
-Oh, the right, not znayu.
-is good, I give on reflection a year more.

*****

The hunter asks the syna:
-As it is necessary to behave in the wood?
-Leaving the wood, it is necessary to extinguish a fire and to dig in zemlyu
butylki, banks and everything that remained from the person.

*****

The hunter, quarreling with the wife, asked: From what you took, what ya
otnoshus to you as to a dog? Even is worse! the wife exclaimed - U
sobaki there is a fur coat, and I should dream of it only.

*****

The hunter shoots at a floating duck and misses. The duck does not depart and prodolzhayet
plavat. The hunter shoots at the second time - again promakh.
trety, the fourth. After the fifth time a duck speaks:
-you Can not shoot at me, it is useless: I zakoldovana.
-See you! And who you so bewitched it?
- The one who taught you to shoot.

*****

The hunter - tostuyet:
vypyem for zhenshchin.
i we will wish everyone four zverey:
"Jaguar" - in garage, a polar fox - on shoulders, a lion - in posteli.
i... a ram who would pay all this.

*****

The hunter with trophies comes back home. His wife asks:
-You hit this hare?
-Of course. Look, what handsome!
- The Hare is good, but for some reason it with pechatyyu.
-Well, know, expensive, it I could not consider fifty meters at distance.

*****

The hunter killed a big deer. On a shot the forester hurried and demanded litsenziyu.
okhotnik answered that it has no license therefore the forester decided to deliver ego
vmeste with the killed deer to the city. And when joint efforts 200-kilogrammovyy
olen pulled out on the road, the hunter suddenly voskliknul:
-Foots, the devil, I absolutely forgot, I have such license, here it!

*****

The hunter went to business trip, and for the wife leaves to look after a dog. When he arrived, called a dog i
asks:
-Without me somebody came to kitchen to the wife?
Гав!
-Man?
Гав! Than they were engaged in
-?
-Ha-ha-ha-ha, - hard began to breathe pes.
- And long?
- At- At- At! - raised a howl sobaka.
okhotnik complains to the drugu:
-You know, the good dog but how will recover, so nachinayet
s dispersal on a parquet by a bum to go - And you paste to etomu
mestu an emery paper - otuchish.
vstrechayutsya through couple dney.
-Well as, helped?
-Yes, so far to the TV reached - one ears remained.

*****

- The hunter from the fourth floor meets the neighbor living pod
nim and izvinyaetsya:
-Yesterday I had a small junket - gathered starye
druzya on hobby. I hope, we not too disturbed you?
-Is not present that you! But I would like to recognize on

*****

The hunter Valeev was robbed on the road huligany.
-Why you could not fight back them? - were surprised odnoselchane.
- And what I could do? - Valeev took offense, - hands were occupied from me: in pravoy
byl a knife, and in the left - the gun.

*****

The hunter spposili:
-Tell one of cases on yours okhote.
-to Sege I means in an ambush - there began the hunter - the idler creeps to me...
DEN creeps two creeps three creeps... Did not crawl to an ambush!
-So would leave and killed!
-to Leave an ambush?!! He the man - You are not a hunter!

*****

The hunter sprashivayut:
-For how many you will run a hundred-meter race? That answers
-: "Bottles for two" .
reshili to nominate the all-around champion of the world on okhote.
sorevnovalis the American, the Italian and russkiy.
usloviya: to shoot from a dvukhstvolka at a hare, but after vypitogo
stakana vodki.
strelyaet the American - a miss. The Italian - too does not get. The Russian drank a glass, team "Let out all!" But, it prosit
vtoroy glass. "Give the third glass!" American and italyanets
likuyut: "There will be a firefight" .
chut without falling, broken language: "Let out! "
strelyaet also gets to a hare the first vystrelom.
udivlennye correspondents surrounded it: "What program of preparation at you? What secrets, cunnings?" He answers: "Chto
tut cunning - from four trunks and on such herd?!"

*****

The hunter is asked: How it is more convenient to you to shoot at a hare? When he sits or when he runs?
- When it hangs!

*****

The hunter sprosili:
-Tell one of cases on yours okhote.
-I Ambush, so, - there began the hunter, - the idler creeps to me... Day creeps, two creeps, three creeps... Did not crawl to an ambush!
-So would leave and killed!
-to Leave an ambush?!! Not, the man, - You are not a hunter!

*****

Okhotniki:
-In Antarctica I killed with one shot kita.
- And I on the North Pole the hands strangled medvedya.
- And you sometime heard about the Dead Sea? Who did not hear
-?
-So it I it...

*****

Hunters beseduyut:
-Here at me - I will bring a knife to a finger - at once blood acts!
-Here at me the gun - beats on 20 versts!
-A here at me a dog - a miracle! You will pour in a saucer of milk and water, so it moloko
vypyet, and will leave water!

*****

Hunters conducted conversation on the Wifekh:
-mine as a chamois, - told one, - is harmonous, gentle, with huge damp glazami.
- And my cunning, crafty, but fast and quick, exactly as lisichka.
-That I will tell you, - murmured the third, - washing externally looks as the person.

*****

Hunters define the best shooter. Shoot at a sparrow with 100 metrov.
vykhodit anglichanin:
-to me a brandy shot glass, pliz.
vypil - mimo.
nemets:
- And me a glass of beer .
vypil, shot, promakhnulsya.
russkiy:
- And me a bottle vodki.
vystrelil - got to a sparrow, and speaks:
- And che to get there - from 5 trunks!

*****

Hunters, suit to old, experienced egeryu:
-to Petro, and what the most important, on winter hunting? It is correct to place people on numbers?
-Is not present, not eto.
-a Large number of beaters? To drink
-Erunda.
-to smoke that there were no foreign smells?
-Nonsense! Lads, the most important in winter hunting, it are not yellow snow.

*****

Hunters on privale.
-Went we somehow to hunt on ducks. Before the beginning drank on slightly. There are I up to a breast in water, ducks, so I them from a knee by fly...

*****

привале.
1st-y hunters: "Hit such fox during last season: a tail - in!" (parts hands on meter) .
2-y (pushes it with a foot) .
1-y: (narrows hands): "In! "The
2nd-y (again pushes it) .
1-y: "So it, your way, absolutely was without tail?!"

*****

Hunters sit under a haystack and drink. It became cold. Reshili
podzhech stack. Suddenly see - people from the village run to them. One speaks:
-See you! To set fire - so nobody can, and be heated - so all run.

*****

Okhotniki:
-Hear! Yesterday Kolyan of a bear at a den frightened off!! As you learned
-A?
-On excrement! Bear
-?
-of Kolyan!

*****

Show to the hunter pretenzii.
-Me your dog bit! I demand compensation!
-For God's sake! I now will take it, and you - bite!

*****

Hunting dogs between soboy:
-I heard, you bit the hozyaina.
-Yes.
-A what for? of
-It put on my medal.

*****

Okhrannik:
-you that, do not know, what hunting for hares is forbidden? Okhotnik:
-I Know, but I was compelled to shoot as self-defense.

*****

Very elderly person came to the priest, asks:
-Tell, Father, whether can be such that I appeared the child's father, kotorogo
rodila my 18-ny wife now. And after all to me already nearly seventy... Can do this miracle,
sotvorennoye by god?
-Ya I will tell you now one story, - the priest told. - I was v
pustyne once and suddenly saw that on me the lion rushes. I threw up the cane kak
vintovku, aimed and when the lion was absolutely close, shouted: "PU!". Lev Upal
mertvym... - I understand, it was God's work!
-Not absolutely: behind me there was a hunter with the real gun.

*****

Father! And why the grandmother on the city runs zigzags? Komu
babushka, and to whom and mother-in-law. Give, the sonny, the second holder.

*****

The father beaver went shooting and caught taburetku.
vsya the family gathered in the river in the evening on solemn uzhin.
sidyat at a table, napkins tied, the stool on stole.
i the least beaver speaks: "Father! And it is possible for me a leg?!"

*****

- The father, you are afraid of hares? - asks synishka.
-Is not present, of course! From where you took? Then why you take
-A with yourself a dog and the gun, kogda
otpravlyaeshsya on hunting behind them?

*****

- The father, and we will go for hunting tomorrow?
-Is not present, tomorrow we go to the oculist, - the father, slowly vykolupyvy fraction at himself from a bum told.

*****

- The father, we go shooting today?
-Is not present, we go to the oculist today, - the father told, slowly picking out fraction at himself from a bum.

*****

Passengers get into the plane. Among them the young man the hunter with a huge black eye in one pants. One iz
passazhirov approaches it and speaks: - Listen, and ty
poprilichney could not put on? - Yes you understand, I am a hunter, no
nevezuchy. Here now only left the house, on me napali:
obokrali and divide. One plane ticket remained. They sit down v
samolet. Their places appear nearby. Unlucky continues conversation: - Here you will look, we will not reach a place, I nevezuchiy.
through some time am included into salon the stewardess and speaks: The request not to panic, our plane falls directly to the ocean. Seychas
vam will give out life jackets and whistles for otpugivaniya
akul-Well here that I spoke! And now either vest popadetsya
dyryavy, or shark deaf.

*****

Patsanenok comes back after morning fishing by about ten big fishes on the kukena. Suddenly looks - there is on a berezhka a general in full rigging: a single-breasted coat, trousers with stripes, a peak-cap. With a rod costs, fishes it seems as. Here it became interesting to the boy. It quietly so creeps up meters on six, so that it did not notice. And time - from the general drips midday sweat, he gets each five minutes a scarf, wipes them a face and waves away from flies. Sadly looking at a motionless float the general mutters to himself under nos:
- And after all will not order...

*****

Petro hit a boar and was accepted in the yard razdelyvat
tushu. And here the neighbor rubs hands and speaks: Notable svezhinka
budet!
KOMU will be and to whom is not present - Petro.
sosed with astonishment discontentedly mutters asks: And you that Petro, were unwell ili
svezhinku do not love?
ALLO! This society of animal protection? Yes. I ask vas
prishlite somebody us in the yard on a tree here the mail carrier sits and offends nashu
sobachku.

*****

Upon termination of hunting of an arrow gather on a glade. Whether the last resorts and krichit:
-All on a place?
-All - answer emu.
- The Devil a pober?! I mean hit olen?!

*****

- You were lucky on hunting for tigers?
-Oh yes was scary lucky! I did not meet, thank God, odnogo
tigra.

*****

The tipsy hunter came home late. Only nachal
zadushevnuyu conversation with a dog, as here wife...
-Here the unscrupulous! And how many you drank today?
-D-d-dve kr-ru-zhki p-beer, - hardly moving language, answered husband .
- And it so carried you from two mugs? You lie! You do not trust
-? So ask the Jolly-boat! Doggie my dear, well,
skazhi.- The husband stroked a dog and gently kissed ee.
Wife attentively looks on собаку.
- Well?
tuzik began to wag a tail and twice prolayal.
-Here see! - the husband was delighted - I tell the Truth!
vidit the wife - something here not that, mistrustfully looks at Tuzika.
-Ladno... And how many this bastard, this blood-sucker, etot
pyanchuzhka drank wines?
sobaka put the tail between the legs, raised the head and is sad zavyla:
-U-u-u-u-u!