Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

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Poultry market. There is a man (M) and sells a cuckoo. The person kavkazskoy
natsionalnosti approaches (LKN) it: (LKN) - Pachem a falcon? (M) is not a falcon, this is a cuckoo! Lkn
ukhodit. In an hour of LKN comes back: (LKN) - Pachem a falcon? (M) - I speak, eto
ne a falcon, and a cuckoo! LKN leaves. The neighbor in a counter tells M:
-Well you stand here, freeze. Would tell it that it is a falcon and would go domoy.
through hour of LKN again comes back: (LKN) - Pachem a falcon? (M) - 10 million! Lkn
otschityvayet the specified sum also takes away a cuckoo. Comes home, sits down na
konya, puts a cuckoo on a shoulder and goes to hunting. Suddenly sees - a school of ducks letit.
nu it takes a cuckoo, starts up in the sky with shout "ATU Eve!" The cuckoo sits down na
makushku a tree and begins krichat:
-Ku-ku, a ku-ka, a ku-ka... (LKZ) - As to a kak, the fattest!

*****

The traveler in the desert met a lion and in horror stal
molitsya:
-My God, I ask you! Inspire in this lion Christian feelings!
LEV too became molitsya:
-My God, bless food which now I will eat!

*****

The Pyanenky hunter comes back home. Fell in a pool. To nemu
podbegayet the dog both begins oblizyvat.
- And do not ask, and do not kiss - any more I will not sit down at a table!

*****

The drunk hunter comes home,
potom krichit:
- The Wife potters on a threshold in the dark, start swearing, and I a bed will not find that.

*****

The drunk hunter vainly tries to throw a five-copeck coin in avtomat.
prokhozhiy:
-Well you, the brother the taxi driver, and was fitted!
okhotnik: - Why it I am a taxi driver?
prokhozhy: - So after all a cap at you uniform, taksistsky!
pyany hunter: - Strange! And was ondatrovy...

*****

Two talk podrugi:
-I knew that your husband and the hunter and the fisher, and also heard that stopped drinking and smoking. On it it is necessary strong volya.
-I have it.

*****

Two friends talk. Let's spend holidays by the sea. And can go to mountains? Let's hunt... Let's take wives and we will go, and?
U me is the offer it is better than yours. Let's go to the sea ili
v mountains, but without wives.

*****

Three hunters talk in the wood. One has nogi.
-no Father where you lost a foot?
-Yes is long istoriya.
-Well tell! All the same now it is good to sleep lozhitsya.
-. There are I somehow pyanenkiya on the wood. I see, a hole hare. Put tuda
dvukhstvolku and shot. I get a hare, I put in a bag and I go further. I see, lisya
nora. Put the gun there, shot. I get a fox, I put in a bag. I go further. Vizhu
norishcha the huge. To do - I think - there is nothing. Rose before it and shot. And it kak
ottuda will jerk. And here tebe.
-Who jerked?
-Electric train, who, who...

*****

Two talk okhotnika.
-I quietly shoot At a hare from distance of four hundred metrov.
-Throw! At such distance nobody can get in zaytsa.
- And I unless speak about hit?

*****

Two talk okhotnika:
-Represent, yesterday I came across a couple of beautiful pheasants, my heart trembled when I saw them! You them got
-I?
-Is not present, several rubles were not enough.

*****

Two talk okhotnika:
-Listen, I invented a new way of hunting for tigers at night. You go on the road, you see - two eyes watch not you - You pro-boundaries them and shoot!
-Well and how, caught much?
-Yes, so far any. They, reptiles, walk in couples and on one eye blink!
sidyat two hunters, drink. One - drugomu:
-I with a hamster go now to a fox okhochus.
- And it as?
-you Give to a hamster a vodka bottle, you thrust it into a fox hole and when they in 15 minutes leave to smoke.

*****

Talk okhotniki:
-I Got, know, on a bough, and wolves under me and jump, so jump. And vdru
gsuk - a bang! I, know, directly on wolves...
-I that?
-That? Well, of course, broke off to pieces.

*****

Two friends okhotnika:
-talk Recently I was in Africa and found an effective way of hunting on tigrov.
okhotitsya it is necessary at night - at tigers in the dark of an eye svetyatsya.
ostayetsya to aim between eyes and a tiger - napoval.
- And how many you filled up them?
-one. They, mean, began to walk in couples, and each one eyes narrowed!

*****

Conversation of two okhotnikov.
-met in the wood of a wolf Yesterday. Lean such, became thin during the winter, it is simple kozha
da bones. The Wolf was in time ubezhat.
-?
-Is not present, I.

*****

Conversation of two podrug.
-Never I will go with the husband any more to catch fish! At first I, appear, loudly spoke, then fastened the wrong bait, potom
slishkom early cut. And everything came to an end absolutely nasty: I caught ryby
bolshe, than it...

*****

Conversation of two priyateley:
-I with the girl poznakomilsya.
-Where?
-B seti.
-Chatelis?
-Well in seti.
-In sense?
-Yes, on fishing in a network got confused!

*****

Conversation of lords: This year I think to take the foksteryera
na a dog exhibition. - Correctly long ago it is time. Let all uvidyat
kak look fox terriers from the real family tree.

*****

Early in the morning on the bank of the small river the man catches fish. Here another approaches muzhik.
-As water today?
-Amazing, fish does not want to get out of it at all.

*****

Early in the morning the alarm clock calls, and the husband gathers on okhotu.
Wife begins otgovarivat:
-Where you will go? Such dank weather. A wind, cold,
DA besides also temno.
husband silently gathers, goes outside, goes to and fro really not for hunting: wind, snowstorm, holodina. On
vozvrashchayetsya home and at once dives under odeyalo.
-Well and holo-dyne, b-r-r-r! Do not tell
-, - the wife, - and my fool agrees to hunting popersya!

*****

One hunter drugomu:
-tells Hear, in Africa was, such it happened! Means, there is on the desert, suddenly a huge lion from nowhere, directly on menya.
-Well?
-of Cho well, I pryg on a tree!
-From where in the desert a tree?
-E, darling, at such moments not before, whether is a tree, whether there is no tree. You jump!

*****

Tell 3 okhotnika:
- There are I coppices, lo and behold - the gray shred flashed. I throw up the gun, women - i
padayet. Experienced such volchishche...
-Ya on a taiga I go, I see - a red spot with black strips... Aimed, women -
I my tiger!
-A I - in the steppe. I go, I look - on a column sits. I pull cocks, Bach, Bach - kogti
v one party, passatizh in another...

*****

The reporter asks kinozvezdu:
-Where you got acquainted with the sixth husband?
-On hunting. When he shot my fifth husband.

*****

The American, the Italian and russkiy.
usloviya decided to nominate the all-around champion of the world on okhote.
sorevnovalis: to shoot from a dvukhstvolka at a hare, but after the drunk glass vodki.
strelyaet the American - a miss. The Italian - too does not get. The Russian drank a glass, team "Let out all!" But, he asks the second glass. "Give the third glass! "
amerikanets and the Italian exult: "There will be a firefight". Nearly falling, broken language: "Let out! "
strelyaet also gets to a hare the first vystrelom.
udivlennye correspondents surrounded it: "What at preparation? What secrets, cunnings? "
ON answers: "What here the cunning - from four trunks and on such herd?!"

*****

The Russian and the American on hunting got to talking about cars. When I have a good mood, - the American speaks, - ya
predpochitayu to go by cars of light coloring! If ya
chrezmerno it is loaded or there are many problems, I sit down za
rul the dark car! Well, and if I have a rest abroad, ya
vybirayu light festive tone!
-Well, at us all is simpler, - tells Russian, - if nastroyeniye
khoroshee, can sweep by yellow car with a blue strip. If you feel not very well, the car will be white, a
poloska red. And I too went abroad - on the tank!
ShEF on Monday tells employees as it provel
vykhodnoy den:
-Was I on hunting yesterday. I go, I go, I see - a hare!
BAH - is ready! Took for a leg, threw on a shoulder, I go dalshe.
glyazhu - one more hare. Bach - it is ready! Took for a leg...
rasskaz interrupted phone call. After conversation on telefonu:
-So on what I stopped?
podchinennye is prompted:" Took for a leg"...
-Ah and! Magnificent there was a woman!

*****

The Russian hunter asks polyaka:
-wanted to ask you Long ago, sir Fazulke, whether is pleasant to you "the Swan lake"?
-Well if to be absolutely frank, impression from nego
neplokhoye, however, Balaton, seems to me, more beautifully, without speaking already o
nashem the Shtrabsky Reach.

*****

The fisherman - to the hunter: "Well, good luck! "
okhotnik - to the fisherman: "And you h@y, but not fishes!"

*****

The fisherman, being going to the river, tells zhene:
-my Heart, you, I hope, did not forget to put to me in a bag skovorodku
i oil? I want to roast to myself for lunch some big fishes from ulova.
- And as, darling. Besides, you will find in a bag and to bank of sardines.

*****

Rybinspektion - society of hunters for fishers.

*****

Rybnodzor speaks to the fisherman: here fish cannot be caught!
rybak: and I do not catch! I blow up it!

*****

The fisher "with an experience" invites young on rybalku.
molodoy asks:
- And what we will take?
-Vodka, of course! Rod
-A?
-A on a fig, all the same we will lose!

*****

The fisher brags before priyatelyami:
-last Sunday I caught a pike - here, as my hand! Stop filling in
-! Such hairy pikes do not happen!

*****

- The witness, you claim that saw how accused on hunting shot at the victim three times. How far you were from a scene? - At the first shot or at the third? - What difference? - Very big... about half a kilometer...
EDET the Chukchi in a taxi across Mo

*****

The secretary - sekretarshe:
-You is happy with the chief? It and hunter!
-Yes. A month ago he presented me a fur coat, then presented a necklace, and yesterday asked mine ruki.
-Aha, already begins ekonomit.
v a zoo before a cage with leopards the lady v
shube from spotty fur stopped. The leopard speaks to the girlfriend: "I hope now you believe in afterlife?"

*****

The court secretary with emotion speaks sudye:
-your puppy izgryz and swallowed a half of Judicial Biblii.
a the administration will not fork up on the new. That delat.
-witnesses Should kiss a puppy.

*****

The sentimental hunter did not like to kill animals therefore the wood swarmed wounded.

*****

The sergeant declared the soldatam:
- And so, I have children for you two surprises: one unpleasant, but other pleasant. The first - You have to fill these bags to the very top with sand. And the second, pleasant, is that here how many you want sand!

*****

The old grandfather the fisherman sits on the coast of the small river. Also pecks y it awesomely. And the dude which y the whole day does not peck wanders about the coast. And here it approaches the grandfather and sppashivayet:
-Ded you on che fish?
DED thinks: "Now I will tell Hy to it on what I fish, he will sit down nearby and everything will catch fish" and answers chyvaky:
-Yes on crumpled gavno.
chyvak stood, thought and left. Comes in half an hour, the grandfather stretches to the grandfather paper on which lies gavno, and govopit:
-Ha, chew, y you everything is equal a mouth nasty.

*****

The general on the river bank sits, catches fish. Long sits, since the morning, and already the sun burns. The general in full dress, sweat flows, any poklevka, and it all the same sidit.
i here, from where from heavens, the VOICE: - And after all you will not order!

*****

Sits, it appears, one man, fishes. Hour sits, two - not klyuet.
skuchno to it and is cold. Well, he opened a vodka bottle, poured in a marching glass 150, and only gathered so with its feeling, mummy, to eat - pecks! Well, the man began to fuss, awkwardly so cut, and tiny karasik to him directly in a glass - plyukh! The man fastidiously so threw out a karasik, vodka without high zaglotnut, spread a new bait, threw a rod... And here as poperlo: pike perches, breams, pikes! The man is hardly in time vytaskivat.
i here the huge som and speaks:
-Well, karasik, well a bough, well the provoker lies in his basket! pour, speaks, then release...