Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

342  343  344  345  346  347  348  349  350  351  352  353

The old hunter learns young how to catch a lion. Old zaikayetsya.
-Ze means te so. Re you dig a hole. Both and and also you iiidt iishcheshch a lion. When le the lion of t you z will notice Ke. You Beeezhit ke to a hole. P p you peereeprygivat h through it. The l a lion on ge to the gayena ppposkalzyvatsya and p falls in yamu.
-Wait, and shit from where??? Of Tae you ge the main thing ne be not afraid of
-. Ge Gavno will be.

*****

There is a hunter on number, waits for a wolf who beaters gonyat.
vdrug runs out directly on it experienced volchishche and shouts HUMAN golosom:
-do not shoot! Same I! They have some sorcery there: us in sebya
obratili, and now under the guise of people pursue us!
okhotnik was taken aback. And whether often wolves talk to you? Well also passed a wolf for flazhki.
"mother was right, - the escaped wolf thinks, - it is necessary to learn languages! And even can shoot down! "
studioz.

*****

SUD:
-Are accused?! Why you shot at the companion at hunting?
-Ya thought that it is an elk...
-I when you understood, what were mistaken?
- When an elk started shooting back.

*****

Court. Case about brakonyerstve.
- The Defendant is considered how you could, hunting on an ordinary hazel grouse,
podstrelit of very rare hazel grouse of a zhyoltopyatochnik?
-your honor, tell, my wife now looks at me?
-B to a hall is a lot of women, from where I know, who from them your wife? Here and I did not know
-, the zhyoltopyatochny what of these devil's hazel grouses!

*****

The judge asks at podsudimogo:
- And now tell me why you shot at the companion on hunting?
-Ya thought, what it is an elk, mister sudya.
- And when you understood, what were mistaken?
- When an elk started shooting back.

*****

Judge the man for brakonyerstvo.
sudya:
- And how you could, hunting on the ordinary sandpiper, to hit very rare zheltopyatochny sandpiper?
podsudimy, standing to the hall a back, bends to the judge and muffled golosom:
-I will answer, only tell - my wife now looks at me?
SUDYA:
-In a hall is a lot of women - from where I know, which yours??! Here and I did not know
podsudimyy:
-, who from these sandpipers the zheltopyatochny...

*****

Judge the man who dumped the refrigerator from a window, kotoryy
otdavil to the passerby nogu.
-Accused, tell how there was a business? - demands sudya.
-I Come back from hunting, - speaks the accused - I Enter v
dom. Wife the not. Pale and all shivers. "Where it?" - krichu
ya to it and to a window. I look, and it, smart guy, in pants and in an undershirt pod
balkonom runs. I understood at once everything. Grabbed from rage the refrigerator and threw in it. It is a pity only that on a foot popal.
-Well your word, the victim now! - Companion judge speaks sudya.
-, - left, lame to a tribune the victim. Every morning before work I am engaged in run. I run, as always,
svoim a route, suddenly on me the refrigerator flies. Hardly uvernulsya.
-I Ask to invite the witness, - tells sudya.
v the hall hardly enter the person at whom on hands and feet gips.
-Sege I in the refrigerator, - is spoken by the witness...

*****

Congress of hunters for crocodiles in Kongo.
vystupayet Anglichanin:
-I killed hundred krokodilov.
vystupayet with Frantsuz:
-I killed two hundred krokodilov.
vystupayet with Chukcha:
-I killed fifty noserov.
vse were surprised and decided to spot on whom the Chukchi hunts. Vidyat:
podkradyvayetsya the Chukchi with a rifle to a bush, from a bush jumps out perepugannyy
negr. Chukcha:
-Crocodile?
-No, Si?!

*****

The son sticks to ottsu:
- The Father, the father! Let's go shooting tomorrow again!
-Is not present! Tomorrow we will go with you to the oculist! - angrily the father,
vykolupyvaya fraction at himself from a bum answers.

*****

The son gathered for hunting for a bear. The father old, the disabled person legless, asks to take with soboy.
syn in nedoumenii:
-Well where you, the father, without feet will go? You me in a backpack will put
- And I if something I help to fill up a bear, suddenly at you the rifle will refuse - so you will develop me, I then to a shmaln...
-Well, god with you...
"And suddenly indeed will help at the right time" - and took batyanyu.
prishli to a den, stirred - from there as the misfire, a miss will jump out ogromadny medved.
u the son! It is developed - the father straight off two shots by a doublet - by!!!
begut.... Run - and a bear already on heels davit.
syn dumayet:
"And, the pancake, together not to escape, it is a pity for the father - but it is necessary to throw that to two to perish..." .
brosil the backpack - yes as pripustit time in three quicker!
pribegayet to the house, cannot recover the breath, and towards matushka.
-Everything, mother - is not present at us more father!
-you, hunters you will not understand - five minutes ago the father came crawling - "no we have more son" says!

*****

- Ta-ak! And it we properly taught quickly to run! - bormochet
pro itself the hunter, having missed the mark on zaytsu.
otpravit: A SMS message the Greeting card of SMS from someone else's number

*****

- So listen, friends: in that morning we hunted on ostrove
nedaleko from Borneo. And here when I came off from ostalnykh
okhotnikov a little, on me the tiger suddenly jumped out of thickets, but what! Oh, my
druzya, this there was a tiger - not les

*****

The Georgian on shoulders of a mountain ram drags. Meets him sosed.
-Where you such handsome got it? Where you drag a ram? I got
-of the Handsome on hunting in mountains, - it answers gruzin.
-However not a ram, it is a bribe that the ram at me was going v
institut to arrive.

*****

- Your networks again pulled out nothing? To Pull out
-pulled out, but we will not begin to eat the diver!

*****

- The aunt, eat this candy, - offers malysh.
-Thanks, darling!
-is tasty?
-Very much!
-is strange! Why then her our hunting dog kushat
ne became and even the cat turned away.

*****

Quiet early morning. On the river bank three sit rybaka.
k to one the frog swims up and in a whisper asks:
-Pecks?
rybak (in a whisper):
-Is not present...
ONA to the second podplyvayet:
-Pecks?
-Is not present...
K tretyemu:
-Pecks?
-T-s-s... Pecks...
lyagushka with noise leans back on a back and oret:
- And me on a fig! I swim here!

*****

Tok-shou.
rasskazyvayet okhotnik:
-I am a hunter. I gathered for hunting once, took the gun, a dog, I go po
lesu, I look - directly over me the duck flies. I, naturally, was delighted,
krichu: "Duck!" Aimed, I think, now as will go off with a bang!
rasskazyvayet ruzhye:
-Aimed it, means... Thought that I will go off with a bang... And I would go off with a bang,
If would be hunting. And how I to it will go off with a bang, if I toy? Kak
smoglo, and went off with a bang... I will tell honestly, it turned out not really gromko.
rasskazyvayet okhotnik:
-Not really is it is softly told! I at first in general thought that a misfire. A
potom I look - the duck falls!
rasskazyvayet utka:
-I generally not a duck, I - a crow. I fly on the sky, anybody, krome
oblakov once, I do not touch... Suddenly I hear some man shouts at me: "Duck!"
Ya thought, he wants to pay a compliment to me. Looked narrowly, and at it v
rukakh the toy gun. I thought that he wants to play with me i
reshila to fly up poblizhe.
rasskazyvayet okhotnik:
-I See - falls. Got, I think. I think now will fall and will be gone: where ee
potom to look for? And then remembered that I with a dog also speak to her (dog):
"Attack!"
rasskazyvayet sobaka:
-Aha. I hear - speaks to me: "Attack!" I generally not a dog, I - a cat. I,
eshche when it me but hunting called, thought that it me with whom-to
pereputal, it is simple to refuse was neudobno.
rasskazyvayet okhotnik:
-I See - my dog does not move. I speak to it: "To you Russian yazykom
skazano - attack!" sobaka:
-Well about Russian it it, of course, bent
rasskazyvayet... but it became clear: until ya
na his "FAS" I react, he will not lag behind me. I looked na
nebo, I see - a duck both flied, and flies. Well, I think, sduret hozin.
dazhe if he considers me as a dog where he saw the flying dogs? okhotnik:
-Here I and itself in the sky looked at
rasskazyvayet. I see - my duck badly falls. Medlenno.
vidno, not up to the end I killed her. I am enough the gun...
rasskazyvayet ruzhye:
-Is enough it, so me... Presses on a cock... I, of course, tried, no
chto I can make if I have pools - rubber?
rasskazyvayet utka:
- And here already I flew up. Also I tell villages on a branch: "Well, give play, raz
pozval" .
rasskazyvayet okhotnik:
-I Look, the duck fell to a branch and speaks: "Carat!" And my dog to it otvechayet:
"Meow!" I thought - I go crazy. Laid down on the earth, clutched at the head and usnul.
through a couple of hours I wake up: on the one hand - the toy gun, s
drugoy a cat, and on a tree the crow sits. And the head with pokhmelya
raskalyvayetsya. I after all generally not the hunter....

*****

Only Russians can organize magnificent cruises at coast of Africa with the purpose to hunt on the Somali pirates.

*****

The trainer complains to the drugu:
-It is accident, my best boxer is not present in the national team, on
bolen and cannot go in Ameriku.
-All right, I will help out you. I have a guy the familiar hunter. A fist brings down a bull! Will go? I Will take
-your Vanyu.
priyekhali in America. The trainer speaks:
-Wan, you suffer the first round. On you all country smotrit.
vanya Vanya held on raund.
-, hold on the second round. On you the whole world smotrit.
vanya held on. The third raund.
-Wan, and now cut to this Black properly, podderzhi
chest strany.
vanya cut, the Black fell. The judge considers: one, two, three... Yes that you consider
-, skin, so far it lukewarm!

*****

Three hunters on a halt. One speaks drugim:
-I Remember, in Antarctic I killed with one shot kita.
-It is nonsense. I on the North Pole barehanded strangled white medvedya.
trety speaks:
- And you sometime heard about the Dead Sea? Who did not hear
-?
-So it I it...

*****

Three fishermen brag the friend drugu
pervy: - I killed a boar on 35 kilograms with vystrela
vtoroy: - and I a polar bear the hands ubil
trety: - heard about the Dead Sea so it I it

*****

Three economists went shooting. Having seen a boar, the first economist shot and missed the mark on meter to the right. The second shot and missed the mark on meter vlevo.
trety, having seen it, did not begin to shoot, and it is joyful zavopil:
-Children, on average we shot down it!

*****

Tundra. Filled up with two Chukchi a polar bear and pull the Domoy.
chukcha-optimist:
-Yurta everything closer and Blizhe.
chukcha-pessimist:
-A heavier to drag everything and tyazhelee.
tut by them on skis the Chukchi - Ratsionalibutr:
-well who flies by - bears against wool on snow drags. On wool it will be easier, odnako.
okhotniki saidi:
-Verno, however!!!
I pulled a bear on everything easier Shersti.
chukcha-optimist:
-Tashchit and Legche.
chukcha-pessimist:
-A the yurta everything is farther and farther.

*****

The tourist asks local okhotnika:
-you will not prompt how to me quicker to get on that mountain?
-Minute, now I will untie the dog...

*****

- I had a gun dog who cost ten millionov.
-you that, the hunter?
-Well, it is simple to pribrekhnut I love.

*****

At the general the grandson was born. To learn to whom it is similar, general
posylayet in maternity hospital adjyutanta.
-To you! - joyfully reports come back adjyutant.
-Now that's something like it! Report on a detail!
-of Granddaughters your bald, big-bellied, thinks nothing and all the time.

*****

- My grandfather with barehanded went to fascists! You told
-on a bear?
-You would see this bear! Fascist!!

*****

At the well-known hunter asked after his return from Afriki:
-What difference between hunting us and there? When you meet by
-any animal of family cat's here, it gets away from vas.
-answered okhotnik.
- And when you meet any animal of the same family in Africa, you get away already from it!

*****

Friends asked a saddle for one fool hunter. It otvetil:
- The Right, I just from it got down. Perhaps, podozhdete
chasok that it though has a little a rest.

*****

The hunter had very restive horse. In some dni
ona obeyed, in others went obstinate and did not want to descend s
mesta. The hunter went to the veterinarian and asked for suggestions. That gave emu
dve candles - green and red and told: - When yours loshad
zaupryamitsya, insert it into the corresponding place a green candle. When slowly moves - insert the red. through
neskolko days the veterinarian met the hunter - Well, How are you doing? wonderfully, the doctor! The day before yesterday my horse was capricious and did not want to go. I to it inserted the green. Here she threw out me from sedla
i rushed off gallop - And what you undertook? - I inserted sebe
krasnuyu... also caught up with it!

*****

- At you is at itself a cold weapon? I do not know
-, I did not put the thermometer to it!

*****

- I have very clever dog. You will tell it: drive a hare will drive, you will tell: drive a wolf - will drive, you will tell: partridge! - podnimet.
-Here surprised... Here I have a dog so a dog - for three versty
okhotinspektora feels!

*****

The Chukchi had a large family. Decided to allocate it the city apartment with the big hall for children. The Chukchi in novuyu
kvartiru drove and delivered in the children's hall to a yarang. In domoupravlenii
reshili to look as the Chukchi on new meste.
prikhodyat settled, and in the nursery of a yarang stoit.
-It still why - ask the owner - my Chukchi bez
yarangi cannot live. Glanced in a bathroom: - And here that? - Chukcha
okhotnik, in a bathtub of seals becomes wet! - the Chukchi answers. Glanced in a toilet,
kosterok burns, the smoke rises - And it that? - ask. The Chukchi the fisherman, washing here fish smokes - Well, a seal, fish, a
kuda you go to a toilet? - How where? - the Chukchi was surprised - Look, the chief, round a yarang of a place how many...

*****

Move away the dog! On me to fish soup of a flea creep!
- The Ball, depart from the uncle, at it blokhi.
neskolko French hunters got on neobitayemyy
ostrov. With them also the parrot escaped. In a month the parrot noticed, chto
ego companions in misfortune, glancing not it hungry eyes, spread out a small fire. Then one of them, having armed with a knife, began to call popugaya:
-Koko, Koko! Come here, small...
popugay heaved a deep sigh and priblizilsya.
-it is good, - he told, - I agree, but only call me Joan of Arc...
B to Africa the cannibal caught 3 hunters: Russian, anglichanina
i Frenchman. Led to an abyss and set a condition: who proizneset
slovo and it will sound more than five minutes - that not sjest.
anglichanin shouted: "0'k-e-e-e-y!" - three minutes. Frantsuz
zakrichal: "Me-e-Erie- And- And!" - three minutes. Russian: "I give vodka - yuyu-yu-t!" Echo: "Where? Where? Where?" Sounded long. The cannibal asks
skolko still will be an echo. The Russian hunter answered till 14 o'clock, kogda
otkroyut vodka departments.

*****

Persuaded the Chukchi to take on hunting of the American tourist. They came deeply into a taiga,
vyshli on berlogu.
-yours to look, the Chukchi not to disturb, - the Chukchi speaks. Also the Chukchi u
berlogi began to jump, to shout, to disturb a stick the owner of a taiga. The bear woke up and na
obidchika moved. The Chukchi on skis and to run. The American sees, catches up chukchu
medved. Shot, struck a bear. Runs up to it chukcha:
-Why shot? Absolutely bad hunter! How to plague we will drag hulk?

*****

The successful businessman, having decided to surprise all the competitors, decided pristrastsya to hunting. As it is necessary, bought regimentals, an expensive carbine in shop and came by the brand new jeep on a jota, on medvedya.
ostanovilsya at the wood. Put shoes on, put on, armed as suddenly from the wood the old man with a bast basket vykhodit.
-daddy Is healthy! It
is healthy, small if you do not joke....
Tell, and bears you have a grandfather here?
-A of to-au-au... Whether and you on a bear of a sobralsa? With such ti a ruzhbayka?
It to you grandfather, not a ruzhbayka. This is the grandfather Bleyzer, kakrabin such!!!
Wow! How you told? Blazer? So to twist still my grandfather from the rogatiny went to an enty bear, my father, tozh from the rogatiny.... And you are Blazer... carbine... His mother...
Well, be healthy, the old man...
-I to you neither down - nor a feather...
Tak also dispersed....
stoit the grandfather, looks in a trace to the leaving hunter... And lips шепчет:
- Yes - and- And... Earlier that here, the enty bear, had only two rogatina. ... Tyaperich to a carbine will be. Tfu...

*****

The hare gets away from the hunter. At full speed nesetsya.
vdrug towards to it a lion. For fear of a hare the kondrashka was enough. Consciousness poteryal.
v the faint fell. And at this time towards to the first lion vtoroy.
stali they to fight and killed each other. The hare regained consciousness. Looked na
mertvykh at lions and speaks itself sebe:
- And that only on a booze you will not do!

*****

Leaving for hunting the husband asks the wife a key from kvartiry.
Wife otvechayet:
-It to you all the same to anything. If you come in the morning, the door uzhe
budet is open and if in the evening, all the same you do not get to a keyhole.

*****

After the third series of shots, having got to "milk", poteryal
nadezhdu on a victory in Atlanta the repeated champion on stendovoy
strelbe Ivanov. It is necessary to notice that milk stood on stole
sudeyskoy boards.