Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

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The man on the bank of Nile sits and fish catches. The heat terrible, closeness, a scorching heat moreover and fish is not caught... Hour sits the man, two sits, and fish everything is not caught. Suddenly the crocodile emerges and so at the man is sympathizing asks:
-That, hot?
-of Ugu...
-is stuffy?
-of Ugu... Perhaps then you iskupntsya by
-?

*****

The man in canes sits, fish catches. Pre-dawn fog, nad
ozerom haze. Suddenly somewhere in the distance heart-rending krik:
-Aaaaaa...
nastorozhilsya, listened, catches further. Through some time uzhe
blizhe:
-Aaaaaaaa...
poyezhilsya, tightened to itself an oar, sits, looks around, about a hook forgot. Eshche
through minute, absolutely ryadom:
-Aaaaaaaaaa...
vskochil, crossed, grabbed an oar, swung. Kamyshi
razdvigayutsya, someone throws out terrible from there, the muzzle which swelled in krovi.
muzhik - and - ak shandarakhnt it an oar on a muzzle! The stranger (running away v
kamyshi):
-of Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

*****

The hunter on duck hunting sits. Here the duck hunter on her flies by Ba-Bakh.
utka falls nearby in the wood. The hunter goes it to look for and sees the smoked addict in hands with a duck. The hunter is my production - the addict - there is no addict moya.
dalee suggests to hit each other from all running start on eggs - who will strike more strongly - that and dobycha.
i here, the narkosha runs up and... as will kick the hunter on Eggs, that was bent, recovered the breath and speaks:
"I Now", on what otvechayut:
"Yes on take him the duck - I not greedy".

*****

Sitting in the boat, whether the beginner the fisher addresses to priyatelyu:
- There will be no spare float at you?
-For what?
-got to me some rejected. All the time sinks.

*****

Two sung along men sit on the river bank, the third approaches them, asks:
-Children, where the ford???
muzhiki say emu:
-Yes directly here and est.
on, having listened to them, nearly drowned, and having got out on the coast, indignantly asks:
-Well as so, you told the ford here?!!!!!
Ha that they to it and Otvechayut:
-word of honor, bratukh!!!! Ducks here on a belt passed half an hour ago!.

*****

Sit at a bottle two old okhotnika:
-Eh, life! Happened earlier - to a squirrel got to an eye, and now - tolko
zhene to an ear!

*****

Two Georgians sit, rybachat.
pervyy:
-I here such saw a rib, it is more terrible such!
VTOROY:
- The Pike, navernoye.
-Nat did not feel. Zeleny such ves.
- And to a pachem the green?
-Malada eshche...
-So perch, navernoye.
-Nat, ne sideways. Directly poshel.
-So the sazan, navernoye.
-did not tell Nichevo, only croaked two times and ooze became...

*****

Hunters sit in the wood (About), vodka drink, poison bayki.
odin vdubarya the drunk man (M) rasskazyvayet:
(M): - There are I somehow in the winter on lesu.
vdrug, look, wolves surround me-. (overturns a glass)
(O):-?? Well, and than that is farther?
(M): - And, well here, well, I look v badly put,
NU and fast so climbed on a pine-. (overturns)
(O):-?? Well than that is farther?
(M): - And, I sit means on a pine, froze absolutely, and wolves go around,
zubami clank. Suddenly a branch under me hryas----.
(overturns a glass and becomes silent, having stared to the earth)
(O): - And that?????
(M): - That, that. Gobbled up on a horse-radish.

*****

Men on the river bank sit and tell fishing stories. One little man constantly jumps, waves hands showing what big fish it managed to it to catch. Men were bothered by uneasy behavior of the companion especially as he twice nearly overturned vodka, and they decided to tie to it hands. After carrying out this operation conversation proceeded...
dolgo kept mum the little man with the connected hands, but the soul rybaka.
-did not sustain And I time caught a pike... (parting palms and rastopyrivy fingers)
-So at it here such eye!

*****

Two hunters sit, drink. One - drugomu:
-I with a hamster go now to a fox okhochus.
- And it as?
-you Give to a hamster a vodka bottle, you thrust it into a fox hole and when they in 15 minutes leave to smoke.

*****

3 hunters sit and hvastayutsya.
pervy speaks: - I killed with one bullet of three zaytsev.
vtoroy: - And I killed with one bullet of two lisits.
a to the third to brag he nothing and speaks: And I go on deserts, I see - a polar polar bear, well I run up, I am enough for horns and about asphalt, about asphalt, and he escaped, jumped over a fence and in the wood moved.

*****

Hunters after okhoty.
odin from them sit speaks: - It is very useful to go barefoot for zdorovya.
-You are right, buddy. When I wake up in footwear in the morning, u
menya awfully hurts golova.
dva the hunter go to shop. One goes to department za
vodkoy, another - behind snack. Approached to syru.
- The Girl, weigh to me half a kilo to cheese... well, it... well, kak
ego.- And through all shop shouts: - You! You what в?ер?
х#@ом called me?
-Dutch!
-Just about! Dutch...

*****

Hunters on a halt sit, and, telling baizes, all smeyutsya.
i only one even not ulybnetsya.
-You why do not laugh? - ask ego.
- And who - laughs for the money?
-As for the?
-So I not from your society, I for the permit denezhku
uplatil.

*****

Two new Russians sit at a bottle. speaks:
-Hear one, the brother, I here to Volga went, on fishing was - so a sturgeon on eight meters pulled out! Do not drive
-, in nature, I read, sturgeons no more than three meters happen. Cut down a sturgeon!
-I Tell you, eight meters!
-Yes well, the brother, do not drive! Cut down osetra.
-Eight, blya I will be!
-Well, it still hogwash. And here I here on hunting went... I go in nature on the wood, I hear a crunch, shmalyayu there - an elk! Filled up Losyara! I approach only it as I hear steps behind - blya, the forester! And I have no licenses a fig! Well I threw up a gun, filled up the forester what to do... I am so above an elk and the forester and I hear in bushes some fuss, I move apart - a pancake, a couple with each other zanimayetsya.
nu, me, the stub is clear, witnesses to anything - it was necessary and both of them poreshit.
potom I think: from where they undertook? I go through bushes, vykhozhy on a glade -
E-mine! Tourists fucking, tents ten, person fifteen them! Well, the exit is not present - watered them from a galosh that behind the back not to leave witnesses. Only sighed quietly - a pancake, the bus, "Ikarus", in it to the people of people hundred leaves on a glade... The brother, I as brother ask you, cut down a sturgeon, and I all of them will shoot down that!!!

*****

Two fishermen sit, catch fish on zakidushka, by floats the boat which pulls for itself the beauty - the sportswoman on a water ski. One fisherman: "Eh, if shcha the cable burst, I this girl..." The cable breaks, the girl leaves under water, the man in what was dives and, having pulled out on the coast the girl, starts business. The second runs up: "Well, how it?" The first: "So-so... Something from it stinks." The second: "Here and I look - that was on skis, and this is on skates!"

*****

Two fishermen sit and catch fish on zamyorshy ozere.
odin from them more skilled, and another molodoy.
vdrug saw a big polar bear .
TOT? that more skilled takes off boots on fur and puts on gym shoes. Young emu:
-You that, the bear even on ice runs with a speed of 60 km/h Yes to me to spit with what speed he runs, will catch up it with me or not, the main thing that you would not overtake me!

*****

Two hunters sit at a table. One of them young, and another - skilled. Tut
mladshy asks byvalogo:
-Tell, the friend how you hunted on a bear? Byvalyy:
-First of all you take a double-barreled gun, you go to the wood and you find a den medvedya.
potom you hype up it a trunk there. From there the bear gets out. And you in it from pervogo
stvola: "Bach!".
-A if misfire?
- Then from the second trunk: "Bach!".
-A if again misfire? Then you take
-shit and you cover to yourself glaza.
-Well, but from where shit to take?
-it already surely will appear By then.

*****

Three hunters on a halt sit, poison bayki.
pervyy:
-Ida it I by bushes yesterday, and there: "Nerm-hru-shu-zho-zyu"...
BAH! there offhand. Fox!
-It still that, here I... I go, so yesterday by bushes, and tam:
"Nyam-tryam-rm-hru-shu-zho-zyu-lyu".... Bach! there offhand... Boar!
-It everything hogwash, here I... I go by bushes yesterday, and tam:
I "Nyam-nyam-nyam-hru-bzhi-zyu-fryu-anger-flya-nyam-nyam-nyam-nyam-hru-
bzhi-zyu-fryu-anger-flya-nyam-tryam-erm-hru-shu-zyu"... About what it I?.

*****

Three "new Russians" sit and tell tall tales about hunting. speaks:
-Estimate one, boys, I somehow went shooting, and the gun che zabyl.
idu on the wood at home, and here the bear jumps out and on me... Well I to it zalomat paws back, he, of course, mercy requested. Well I connected it, home carried, to the son gave, let igrayet.
vtoroy speaks:
-Yes this garbage, here I somehow went shooting and too the gun left at home, so on me the pack of wolves attacked. Well I crucified them all, on a sledge put in stacks and to garage brought. Full garage of wolves, I do not know, che with them to do...
TRETIY:
-Yes not, boys, all of you snowstorm drive it. Here I somehow on hunting poshel.
vzyal the gun, everything put. I go, well, on a bog, I look - a frog sidit.
nu I aimed at her, and she speaks to me human golosom:
-do not kill me, I not simply a frog, and the beauty zakoldovannaya.
potseluyesh me, I to you the wife stanu.
- And che, you kissed her?
-Yes nafig is necessary, the speaking frog - too is cool.

*****

- Tell, in this pond it is possible to catch fish?
-Yes it seems nobody zapreshchal.
- And by the boat, a network?
-Yes You're welcome.
-Means if I catch a small fish, it will not be an offense?
-Is not present. It will be the MIRACLE!

*****

The investigator with sympathy looks at the heart-broken widow v
traurnom platye.
-Forgive, - he speaks, - You could not tell me the last words of your husband?
-I Can, - the widow sobs - It told: "Will be enough pugat
menya this gun! You from it and will not get to gate of a shed!"

*****

The case on okhote.
zhurnalist asks: "How so, what happened? "
DIK Cheney: "And, nonsense, do not make a mountain out of a molehill. It was prosto
" Friendly fire "!"

*****

- Have you heard? - Says one hunter drugomu- Sidorov instead moose shot kolkhoz korovu.
- not surprising. He and the school has always been dvoyki
po zoology.

*****

Smith filed a lawsuit against Brown for an insult. The judge said
braunu:
-you called the dog Smith and constantly
SMIT, "faugh", the wretch shouted it "faugh". You obviously wanted to offend by it the neighbor - Vy
oshibayetes, - Brown protested - I wanted to offend a dog.

*****

At first hunters go on a boar, then agree and to a duck, and as a result kill mosquitoes.

*****

Since March 2, 2008 hunting for bears is a crime against statehood.

*****

Dog at me that is necessary! The trace - on time takes! In any weather, in any wood surely will bring to women... Somehow time there are I on the river bank. I look - my Razvonyay lifted the woman from a stove bench. The woman from a stove bench rose and runs. I behind it, across Razvonyaev to a voice. Hour runs, two, the woman was tired... Generally, from that hunting I to the wife with the woman came. Coats from it tore off, to the wife a fur coat celebrated.

*****

Young hunting a bear hunters gathered. The skilled huntsman instructs them before nachalom:
-Well. The only thing when see a bear, and the gun will not shoot,
nuzhno to depart so: step to the right, step backwards, step to the left, step backwards and t. of
okhotniki in shoke:
- And that so?
-That not to enter shit...

*****

Men somehow gathered for duck hunting. And dogs at them net.
reshili to hire at one Kent. Well arrived, began to scorch on utkam.
i that is characteristic when the duck fell in water, the dog razbegalas
i with all the dope ran on water, hardly touching it by paws, under way podkhvatyvala
utku and brought it to hunters. Men on slavu.
kogda hunted returned a dog, the owner sprosil:
-Well as hunting, men?
-Cool. So many ducks shot!
-A as to you my dog?
-Very good doggie! You behind it anything strange did not notice
-A?
-even is awkwardly to say yes! You understand, the nikhrena is not able to float it at you.

*****

Gathered primitive for hunting. Came. Saw crowd of mammoths and became puzzled. Then one speaks:
-Well che swelled up a little? Shcha we jump out with cries, otbivayem
odnogo and we wet a mammoth from herd. Forward!
Tak appeared komandiry.
vyskochili, beat off a mammoth, and he was washed away in the wood. There are all, do not know: what to do? Then one speaks:
-Let's surround the wood and we will meet to seredine:
tut and a mammoth naydem.
tak there were chiefs shtabov.
okruzhili, met, found a mammoth, and are afraid to approach - absolutely flew into a rage, rushes about extensively. Then one jumps out and throws a spear directly to a mammoth in glaz.
tak appeared snaypery.
pritashchili to the flourish in a cave and got to sleep. Wake up in the morning - a mammoth net.
tak there were ensigns.

*****

The man gathered for hunting as though everything took: both bread, and fat with onions, and a glass, and that to a glass is necessary. There was already the house, and a wife after it krichit:
-Ivan, you forgot the gun! - Yes not to come back, and that good luck will not be.

*****

Petrovich gathered for hunting. The wife to it and speaks:
nu here, again you leave. And the crane in kitchen the second month to fish soup techet.
-it is fine. Do not grumble. I will return something I will think up? - the hunter from zheny.
a waved away when returned from hunting in kitchen found foreign man. Eto
Wife the mechanic called the crane pochinit.
uvidel Petrovich in kitchen of the stranger and so zarevnovat, so zarevnovat the wife that exposed the mechanic on a ladder and... the crane pochinil.
priyekhal the Norwegian to Chukotka. He agreed with Chukchi a skin of a polar bear dobyt.
chukchi met him and before going shooting with it, sprosili:
- And you mind have? - confirmed chukchi.
-without growing ugly you, - took offense gost.
-Well, - Chukchi told and went with it in tundru.
dolgo went, the sea ocean reached. At last, nabreli
na a polar bear also let's run away from him. Chukchi together s
norvezhtsem run, and the bear behind them rushes. Just about will overtake. Polchasa
begut, hour. The Norwegian already becomes exhausted and thinks:" Yes that zhe
oni for pants such. Went shooting on a bear and from him zhe
ubegayut. And after all it can be shot down..." It lifted a carbine,
obernulsya and from the first shot laid a bear napoval.
podoshli to it Chukchi and govoryat:
-Bragged that mind have. Why so early killed a bear? Ved
do yaranga eight more kilometers. Here also drag it on yourself now!

*****

The Chukchi gathered for hunting. Dressed skis, took ruzho and went to the tundra. And in the tundra snowstorm,
temno, cold. The Chukchi, WHAT HUNTING was tired! Goes stumbling, SUDDENLY: Light,
GROKHOT, U-U-U-U, takes off on everything to the course the train. UDARRR. The Chukchi hardly podnimayetsya
i the slightly live trudges home. Here. Came.
otdykhayet sat down in a chair all beaten, tired. And here a teapot in kitchen At- At- At- At. The Chukchi flies on kitchen and po
chayniku - SMALL MA-LE-N-KI-MI should kill them with a shovel.

*****

Firing competitions. The first the German shoots. It prosit
posadit a fly on a fence, and from ten meters got in nee.
anglichanin brought down on the fly shmelya.
vykhodit Russian, let out a mosquito from a box, the shot is distributed. "Z-z-z", - the mosquito, however, on half-tone vyshe.
-So continues to hoot it flies! - rushed to the shooter sudyi.
-Flies and will fly. And here to love - never.

*****

The neighbor speaks to the hunter: Why you allow the sobake
layat all night long? I and my family we cannot sleep. But you not stanesh
trebovat that I barked instead of it - answered the hunter.

*****

The girl sleeps and she dreams a dream that behind her on the wood gonitsya
okhotnik, and she runs away from it. Having become exhausted, it vosklitsayet:
-Spare! What from me it is necessary to you? From where I know
-? Same your dream...

*****

Stalin with Molotov on hunting. Flies utka.
stalin shoots and promakhivayetsya.
molotov: - As it is strange, companion Stalin! The killed duck continues to fly...

*****

The old lord comes back from hunting domoy.
-you came behind new cartridges, the sir? - asks ego
sluga.
-Is not present, for new sobakami.
dva the hunter knocked at a door domika.
-Hi, Jim!
-Hi, - muttered hozyain.
-We with Eddie just found in the wood a body of the killed i
podumali, maybe, it ty.
- And what does he look like?
-Yes approximately same growth...
-B to a red flannel shirt?
-Is not present, in korichnevoy.
- Then it not I.

*****

The old hunter tells the young hunter how to go on medvedya:
-Come, so to a forest thicket, the main thing not to be afraid, remember - the main thing ne
boyatsya. You approach a den where the bear sleeps, remember - the main thing not boyatsya.
znachit, the gun, remember - the main thing not to be afraid, start picking v
berloge, remember - the main thing not to be afraid, awake a bear, remember - the main thing ne
boyatsya and you cover with shit to it eyes... The hunter perebivayet:
- And shit where I will take
molodoy?
-do not worry, shit will be, the main thing - not to be afraid!