Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about hunting

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Two addicts, with guns, cartridges, kosyachka went shooting somehow. Came to a place, were smoked... Shot long, cartridges did not come to an end yet. The forester came running, shouts?
-Here hunting is forbidden!
-We did not hunt, we defended!
-From whom?
-From sparrows! Such, you know, aggressive, green... with beaks...

*****

Three hunting hunters went, two with themselves had vodka, and at the third was not. Well he also speaks to men: "You tie with a scarf to me eyes, give any game, and I guess who it, age and than is killed. If I guess, you to me pour a glass of vodka..." Give it a hare. He felt i
speaks: "The hare, age of 5 years, is killed with a knife". Poured a glass. Give a fox. He felt and speaks: "The fox brown, age of 10 years, is killed with a rifle". Poured a glass. Give the Boar. He felt and speaks: "The boar wild, age of 15 years, is killed from the gun!". So proceeded all hunting... In the morning their wives meet. The first speaks: "Present to Babonki, the husband left on hunting with vodka, came without vodka and sober". The second speaks: "At me too most". The third speaks: "You represent, mine left without vodka, came drunk v
zhopu, all night long felt me between feet and muttered: "The hedgehog, 42 years, is killed with an axe in a back"...

*****

Sherlock Holmes and doctor Watson on okhotu.
vecherom went put tent, legli
spat. At night Holmes awakes Watson and sppashivayet:
-As you think, what these bright stars at us over the head mean?
-Well, probably, will be tomorrow good pogoda.
-you an oak, Watson, it means that at us snatched tent!

*****

The ensign builds a platoon and asks:
-For whom is available at himself a knife, a step forward!
ODIN of soldiers takes a step forward. Prapor:
- The Good fellow, you receive 10-day otpusk.
i that soldier went in otpusk.
dnya on the same day through three prapor again addresses to vzvodu:
-For whom is available at itself a knife, a step forward!
VES a platoon takes a step forward. Prapor:
-Good fellows, will go to peel potatoes.

*****

- You to present do not mokht, how my dog umnaya.
kogda I throw into the small river five coins on twenty kopeks, it nyryaet
v water until all money not naydet.
-Will think! You would look at my bulldog! When ya
brosayu to the river ruble, it dive

*****

- You represent, yesterday, going on hunting, I forgot to take with myself the gun? It is unpleasant to
-. And when you remembered it?
-Unfortunately, only when brought to the wife of a hare.

*****

Petka resorts to Chapayev and krichit:
-Vasily Ivanovich! I just banged a hare bumerangom.
- And where you found a boomerang?
-U you under a bed... If you still will take
-my socks of Petk, I will break tvoy
pododeyalnik.

*****

- Hi, old times, from Africa! - the hunter speaks to the friend, - Ya
tolko that returned from there. Well and hot there, as in a scorching heat!
prishlos for days on end to sit in basseyne.
-Well, it that! - the friend - And I pobyval
v to Antar

*****

- I invite you to Egypt to a spark safari!
-As is interesting! We will hunt on sharks?
-Is not present, it is simple to float at the coast.

*****

There comes a Chukchi to Alla Pugacheva and speaks:
-Pugacheva, give pozhenimsya.
-you Will get to me crocodile boots - pozhenimsya.
poyekhal the Chukchi to Africa on a safari. Pugacheva waits for one, two years, na
trety did not sustain, went to Africa. Looks - sits chukcha
na to the coast of Nile and catches crocodiles, and behind it the big mountain of crocodiles. Thrust a hand into water, speaks:
-Oh, the devil, again without boots got.

*****

There arrived the grandson to the grandfather to the village. The grandfather speaks to it next day? Take
-granddaughters a doggie, ruzhyishko, descend in the wood, do some shooting a little...
VNUK leaves, in an hour resorts, is rumpled? The Grandfather, and you one more dog have no
-?!

*****

There arrived the grandson to the grandfather to the village. The whole day loafs about, at the grandfather under an ear nudit.
ded to it speaks:
-Well you granddaughters all miss, take a doggie, ruzhyishko, descend in the wood, do some shooting a little...
VNUK leaves, in an hour resorts, excited, eyes with pleasure goryat:
-Ded, and you have no one more doggie?!

*****

There arrived the Ukrainian deputy on hunting for a bear. The jeep - a hamer, a camouflage, the super fancy machine gun with a riflescope of a night image...
zakhodit in the wood, towards the little man in bast shoes, in a cap with ear-flaps, in a padded jacket - typical rural muzhik.
muzhik: - Oh, the person where you head is lovely?
deputat: - On a bear!
muzhik: - Yes thankless this job... A bear - the OWNER! My grandfather from the rogatiny went to it, the father from the rogatiny went...
deputat: - Yes you look! - though an elephant bring down the machine gun... Optics, bullets with the steel core...
I leaves in les.
muzhik:-Yes, (it is tightened by makhorka) now in general you should not go to the wood... The bear not only still will have now two rogatina, and and the machine gun...

*****

The hare comes to hunting shop and asks:
- The Fraction is?
-Is not present!
-Gunpowder is?
-Too is not present!
-Oh, I live! - the hare was delighted - On the wood gulyayu.
v the following times zashel:
- The Fraction is? No!
-A gunpowder?
-Gunpowder is!
-Oh, it is necessary to run, - the hare - And that these men pri
porokhe was frightened and nails will shoot.

*****

The husband home from hunting, tired and angry comes?
-Wife! You know, what artful animal a fox?
-Is not present. And why you so think? I on the wood go
-Yes here, suddenly I see - the fox runs. I charge the gun, I aim, I shoot - the fox falls. Give, I think, I will go, I will take away a fox, I approach her, lo and behold - and it is a dog!

*****

The man comes to weapon shop:-Give me a bomb with the hour mechanism - Take, but keep in mind, it has a small period of storage! - How many? - 10, 9, 8, 7...

*****

The man from hunting comes, throws a linking of hedgehogs on a table and speaks zhene:
-Here, hedgehogs shot. To you on a collar! To the mother-in-law on insoles!

*****

The man comes to fishing with the son and speaks:
-Well, the sonny, get porridge we will be fish lovit.
-Fathers, and I it sjel.
-Well anything. There we had a bread. Get, myakishev nakatayem.
-Fathers, and I too sjel.
-Well eat up it worms, and went home.

*****

The hunter home from hunting comes and sees the wife with the district doctor in a bed? That do you do
-A here?!
-Temperature meryaem.
husband gets the gun and zaryazhayet:
-Well if on your thermometer there are no figures, you have only yourself to blame!

*****

The hunter home with okhoty.
-That it from you such smell comes? Yes you understand
-, went to a bear, and the Jolly-boat left at home. Let, I think,
doma will run about. I look - a den. Took dryn, let's shurovat there. Kogda
slyshu, someone to me behind a paw on shoulders put. I turn. Well I see, chto
tuzik, but I cannot cease to crap!

*****

The hunter comes to hunting shop and asks:
-you have Sunar gunpowder?
prodavets:
-Somewhere was, - looks for and sentences, - somewhere was... Whether
okhotnik vyderzhal:
-Is impossible quicker?
prodavets:-Gdetobylgdetobylgdetobyl...

*****

New Russian comes to tourist bureau. As it is necessary, rolled fingers, made a boring ugly face, everything put... Well, the manager right there runs up to it: - That will desire? - I was going to have a rest. There is a wish for something abrupt - Perhaps, wish to the Bahamas? - It. It already was. I want something special. Itself you understand, the brother, it is necessary to distract from problems, from work - Yes, I understand. Well... want to the Alps? - Yes it. Too was! - I know, what it is necessary for you - the SAFARI - And it as? - On the jeep will drive, will do some shooting.-It as at work, perhaps?!

*****

The Georgian came to a market of a hunting falcon pokupat.
prodali to it instead of a falcon kukushku.
odel the Georgian a felt cloak, sat down on a horse, went to hunting, a falcon (cuckoo) is proud on a hand vezet.
uvidel pack of ducks, waved a hand, "Face, an ata, heya-heya" krichit.
vzletela the cuckoo, sat down on a tree - "Ku-Ku, Ku-Ku"!
-to Kak, Kak?!!! A zhirna be enough!!!

*****

The husband from hunting came and brought wretched utku.
- And where feathers? - asked it Wife.
-Yes you said when saw off me on hunting: "Neither down nor feather!" Here it such and dostalas.
-it is good, - the wife speaks, - I will speak now: "Neither ruble to you, nor kopeks".

*****

The guy to the father came somehow - Teach the former hunter who lost nogi.
-, the father, on a bear okhotitsya.
-Well I do not know as to teach, here to show nado.
-Went then vmeste.
soglasilsya the father, got into a backpack, his son on shoulders and poshli.
otets speaks:
-you See a den, take a rogatina and begin shurudit.
vzyal a rogatina, started shurudit, there is a bear, the guy gets the gun, shoots, the misfire, quickly recharges, again a misfire. Throws the gun, throws off a backpack and svalivayet.
ele is on the lam, runs home, speaks:
-Everything, mothers, pi@dets, lifted up a bear of ours batyu.
mat otvechayet:
-you, the sonny, h@y will understand - the father zaskakivat that, the son speaks
medved lifted up, now here you that it lifted up.

*****

Came as that Rzhev to a ball, and ask it to tell any case, na
chto it soglashayetsya.
-Got I as that to Africa on hunting for a lion. I go on the jungle, to machete ruble liany
i suddenly I come to a glade, and on it in two meters from me sits hungry lev.
gospoda, I was trashed. Well, all rushed speaks:
-Well you, the lieutenant to see so close to a lion. With whom supposedly not byvayet.
-Well, misters, I was just trashed.

*****

The woman came to work with a black eye, employees K
NEY:
-Who it you? With
- The Husband, - You answer postradavshaya.
-to Foo. And we thought that it at you on okhote.
-I too so thought.

*****

The friend speaks drugomu:
-visited the friend veterinarian Yesterday, and we together otobedali.
- And what you ate?
-Apparently, one of his patients.

*****

Making the way through thickets to a favourite place on the river, friends filosofstvuyut:
-That such happiness of the real fisherman?
-It when you will fall down incidentally without rod to the river, and you will come up with fish in rukakh.
- And misfortune?
-It when are come up by one fish...

*****

Having stayed few weeks in England, the American was very surprised sudden padeniyem
svoyey popularity. In the beginning he was invited, held a reception, vsyacheski
razvlekali. And here suddenly phone became silent, the mailbox became empty, not stalo
priglasheny. Without understanding in what business, it came to the priyatelyu:
-Tell honestly, what happened? I am literally subjected ostrakizmu.
-Matter in that, the old man that when hunting for foxes at us in England it is accepted krichat
"Atu!". And you when we hunted last week, shouted: "Catch it, sukina
syna!".

*****

The hunter in a den failed. Looks - sits medvezhonok
na a pot. It it asks:
-Father of the house?
-NET.
-Mother of the house?
-NET.
-So what the hell you seated here?
medvezhonok began to cry and zakrichal:
- The Grandmother!

*****

- Sell, the friend, small fishes! - the hunter who went with empty yagdtashem.
-addressed to the fisher missing on beregu
reki I will not sell, but to replace with a game mogu.
Wife speaks to the husband hunter, to the big fan piva:
-do not feel

*****

It is simple a disgrace!Your hunting dog howled pod
moim a window all night long!Be afflicted nothing With
-it will sleep in the afternoon.

*****

- Simply I do not know that to do to me with my dog. She constantly hunts for mototsiklami.
-Well, it is not terrible. All dogs so delayut.
-Yes, but washing buries them in a garden!

*****

The man wakes up - the head hurts. It in a lock-up, a door opens: leave to the investigator. Well tell
sledovatel:
-how bylo.
- The friend Invited me to hunting for a boar... numbers, speaks, exposed, come, take a carbine, everything will be. Arrived, lay we wait... there are no boars...
-Saw?
-Yes, cut... waited still nemnogo
-Again saw?
-Yes, cut both again waited, and then it seems still cut, here the friend and speaks,
poshli on other number, there precisely is. well went.
doshli, I look at once - a boar! I am BAH - is ready! there at once the second, third, I put all! Suddenly some crowd, hunters perhaps from number of that. The gun was taken away, in a distance muzzle, everything, further I remember nothing.... here regained consciousness, the head hurts.
sledovatel:
-is fine, and we will write down: on pig farm I appeared in a condition of strong alcoholic intoxication.

*****

Professors invited to hunting, and that appeared blizorukim.
opasayas troubles, organizers of hunting distributed to all uchastnikam
transparanty with an inscription: "I am not an elk". However professor slightly не
пристрелил one of okhotnikov.
-Well as so, professor, - started uttering tactfully emu
okhotoved-After all you saw that it has in hands a plate "I am not an elk". Excuse
-generous, - told science stars, protiraya
ochki.
-Points here misted over and it seemed to me that on tablichke
napisano: "I am an elk! "
DVA of the hunter came across traces Ussuriisk tigra.
-Idi, look where it went, - tells one drugomu
- And you? - asks drugoy.
- And I will go to the opposite side, I will look, from where it left.

*****

The passerby, watching the fisherman, saw how that caught three fishes, from which two, what were more, threw out back to the river, and small put in sadok.
-Strange, - he addressed to the fisherman, - why you big fishes threw out, and small left?
-Because is not present a big frying pan at my place.

*****

The passerby asks the man near whom sits huge dog.
-your dog bites? My
-? - No!
prokhozhy moved was farther, but at this time a dog of his ka-a-a-ak
kvatit for a foot! The poor creature vozmutilsya:
-you told that your dog does not bite!
-A who told you, what it is my dog?

*****

Canine hunting for vegetarians - they were poisoned with hot dogs.