Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about fishing

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- Your husband good fisherman?
-is Rather chudnoy.
-Why?
-Others only brag, and it still from time to time and fish brings.

*****

Having returned from fishing, the husband asks:
-Kot of the house?
-Come, be not afraid, I sprats bought it, - the wife answers.

*****

The man from fishing returned and speaks zhene:
-Well and avaricious people went! We agreed with children: who the first will hook fish, that puts magarych and who the second - snack, and what you think? I look, at Seregi the float went to a bottom, and he sits as though does not see. At Petka too pulled, already the fishing-rod was bent. And it to a gug!
VOT cheapskates!
-A at you pecked? - took an interest Wife.
-Fools is not present. I in general without bait threw...

*****

Evening over the river. The old fisherman, having caught nothing, clears out. Mutters: "If this is so did not calm - would strangle all!"

*****

The owner of shop looks how the new seller Moysha serves pokupatelya:
-Time you take hooks why not to take you a scaffold? Give to
-couple katushek.
-But to a scaffold the new spinning is necessary! Grant
-, you are right!
-I to you not to do without net! Well, give
- And sachok.
- And how you will enter water without marsh boots?
-is fine, I and boots take!
kogda the buyer, having paid off leaves, the owner addresses to prodavtsu:
-As you managed to finish the buyer who came behind a hook...
-It not behind a hook came. He thought that we have a drugstore, and came behind tampons: at his wife monthly. But I explained to him that some days of the house could not be done, and advised to go fishing.

*****

- Why instead of the promised crucian you brought a cod? - discontentedly speaks Wife.
- When I instead of the bream brought last time sturgeon, you did not object.

*****

During a ban on fishing the inspector rybnadzora.
-Brothers approaches fishermen, fish is?
-From where? We only came … to bring
-A nobody guessed?

*****

The fisherman from fishing comes back. The whole day stayed, but caught nothing. Goes and speaks:
-If this fishing so did not calm, would pereubivat all to hell!

*****

Near a hole the fisherman sits and catches fish. The local approaches it and speaks:
-Forgive, I here you often vizhu.
-Yes, I go here already five let.
-But unless you do not know that in this lake is not present any ryby.
-Well, two years ago at me suspicions started appearing...

*****

Question: "How to recognize the fisherman in a bath? "
otvet: "It on a forearm has a bruise".

*****

The eight-meter crucian caught from the Moskva River forced the fisherman to execute three of his desires …

*****

After all there is something suspicious in the name "rybaka Rybak" newspapers...

*****

- Everything, I have had enough! Bothered to flounder all life in this smelly pond! - one crucian drugomu.
-Well, complains you have a choice. Grasp that hook and it will appear in oil... On a frying pan...
vypyem for successful fishing that today by

*****

Everything, I have had enough! Bothered to flounder all life in this smelly pond! - one crucian to another complains. - Well, you have a choice. Grasp that hook and it will appear in oil... On a frying pan...
vypyem for successful fishing that today by a dinner we had a fish in oil!

*****

Vsyozh, fishing - fair lokhotron.
pokupayesh the jeep, the boat, udochku.
primanki, from vodka to mormyshki.
a you catch... gonorrhea.

*****

Two fishermen met. To one another speaks:
-I hooked fish in-from such recently, - widely parts hands. The second otvechayet:
- And I hooked fish recently, a belly to her unstitched, and there three candles goryat.
pervy thought a little and predlozhil:
-Give so: I from the fish clean meter, and you at the candle extinguish.

*****

The Bream of Ersha.
kak of business a goggle-eyed prickle meets?
DA is excellent, worms cool gorged on only chto.
i where to you so fartanut?
DA a woodpecker sits at bushes with a rod, a full bast shoe. Here at it and otorvalsya.
nu thanks, I will float too rubanu.
uplyl the bream, and a ruff to it following so tikhonko:
davay, give, look as you from the boat three times will throw out.

*****

Two deafs on rybalke.
pervy meet: You, what catch fish?
vtoroy: No, I fish lovlyu.
pervy: And I thought fish catch.

*****

Two friends meet. One speaks drugomu:
-I with myself on fishing took yesterday the wife...
-Well and how? Nobody pecked
-...

*****

2 friends meet. One tells as he went fishing, zaviduyet
-Me the wife not puskayet.
- And you since evening prepare for the second everything, and you will cast away a blanket in the morning, slap her on a bum i
skazhi:
-This an ass! It to you - went nakh@y. Here you put quickly on, taken up i
my we go. And settled. All made the first as it is necessary. The second wakes up,
otkidyvayet odeyalo:
-This an ass! Yes well it nakh@y this fishing...

*****

Two friends meet. One asks:
-How are you doing?
-is good, recently zhenilsya.
-You?! after all you hate women. Likely she is a beauty?
-Well, rare urodina.
- Then it in a bed simply bomba.
-Is not present as brevno.
-she Can prepares well? That that she prepares to guzzle
-nelzya.
- Then that happened to you? You understand
-! it has from an ass SUCH WORMS, but you not the fisherman you will not understand!

*****

Two men meet, drugomu:
-Listen to one, went fishing tomorrow?
-Yes I to fish not umeyu.
- And that there to be able: pour yes drink.

*****

Two men meet. One asks:
-You than were engaged yesterday?
vtoroy otvechayet:
-On fishing for crucians hodil.
pervy asks:
-Well, caught? otvechayet:
-Net.
pervy asks:
- And from where you know
vtoroy, what you for crucians went?

*****

Two meet priyatelya-rybaka.
-As fishing?
-is excellent. Caught a pike of kilograms on ten, and maybe bolshe.
-Probably, fried with a smetanka...
-Ne-et, otpustil.
-Why?
-Yes all the same nobody poverit.
na to fishing, friends, the main thing is a process of communication with the nature, and all the rest - again. Let's drink for the main thing!

*****

Meet two new russkikh:
-went fishing Yesterday, estimate...
-Well and as there is, a lot of, in nature, caught...
-Aha, to figa.
- And on che caught? On a worm?
-Is not present...
-On a crank?
-Not - and...
-A on what?
-To PONTUS!

*****

Two new Russians meet. One on fishing, another already from there with a full luggage carrier of fish...
(1): Brother!!! Well you in nature are cool!! How you caught so much? e-mine!
(2): The dude, et it is simple... You take in each hand on five rods... you rastopyrivat fingers and you shower...
(1): Brake!, and bait...?
(2): The brother, catch on a show off...

*****

Meet the fisherman and okhotnik.
rybak and speaks:
"I caught such pike, yesterday" - and shows meter two with polovinoy.
okhotnik: "Well it is fine, listen. There are I somehow on the wood, suddenly - a losyara, and hunting there for them is forbidden. I am two boss - women - is ready los.
smotryu, the forester goes. Saw - did not see who it znayet.
ya - two boss - women - is ready lesnik.
oglyadyvayus, I see - the couple goes, walk means. It is necessary!
delat nothing... I am two boss - women - both on the spot ulozhil.
dumayu, it is necessary to do feet, I come to the road, and there the bus rose,
slomalsya means. Women, children, everything look at me. "
rybak: "Well, and further, further that? "
okhotnik: "Throw off two meters, and that all will be lost."

*****

Two meet rybaka.
odin: "And I pulled out a catfish on 100 kg yesterday! "
vtoroy, is modest:" Yes I too left yesterday a spinner... So-so - took one shchuchka kil on 10... Home brought, a belly ripped up - and inside an ancient lamp with a monogram and it is written on-anglitski: James Cook, one thousand seven hundred such year... So I set fire to it, and it burns... "
pervy, having thought: "Listen, I will dump from the som of 90 kg, but you extinguish a small lamp!"

*****

2 fishermen meet. One rasskazyvayet:
-I hooked fish yesterday as mine ruka.
-you lie Che! fishes not hairy!

*****

Meet two old priyatelya-rybaka.
-Hi! You did not see hundred years. How are you?
-Yes so-so. Here married...
-Likely, took the beauty? Yes do not ask
-. More terribly not byvayet.
-Perhaps rare sincere beauty?
-Where there...
-Likely hostess good?
-If...
-Can in a bed? I Will remember
-, hair rise... Listen to
-, so why you took? Throw it and vse.
-Not mogu.
-?!
-U it rare worms is. On them chebak well pecks.

*****

Three new Russians on fishing meet. Caught a goldfish. The goldfish to them krichit:
- At me only three desires as you three - on everyone on zhelaniyu.
zagadyvayet desire the first new russkiy:
-Give me a lot of money - cops of a zadolbala shtrafami.
zolotaya a small fish asks the second: - What you will ask?.
-U me everything is, go on..." - answers vtoroy.
rybka: - And you have cockroaches?.
-Is also cockroaches. The small fish gives it a maaalenky tarakanchik and speaks:
-This tarakanchik will eat all and lopnet.
i the third shouts: - I too have everything: money to..., only mice dostali.
rybka gives it a small mouse which will eat all mice and lopnet.
kazalos there would be all happy, but the first new Russian comes to the small river in the morning and shouts rybke:
-Take away the money, on @#$, give me better than the maaalenky COP!

*****

Three fishermen meet, and let's fray. The first speaks:
-I caught a pike recently, and she has gold teeth!
vtoroy otvechayet:
-All this a hogwash here I caught a catfish, and in his diamonds!
A third speaks im:
-Vrete both of you, here I was on fishing a her did not catch, got wet as a bough, froze as mudak, I come home, to me the wife istopit a bath and a bottle of vodka on a table put!

*****

Any fisherman dreams to see the Goldfish,
vsyakaya the girl dreams to see Fantastic Prinze,
vsyaky the young man dreams to see Finest Printsessu.
tak we will drink for CARROTS! It improves SIGHT!

*****

- Yesterday caught a huge sturgeon. Threw it on a back and I go home. - Hy? - And here because of bushes - the inspector rybnadzora! - Hy?! - And I a sturgeon from a back - and in a pocket!

*****

- Yesterday with the wife on fishing ezdil.
-She, what at you fishes?
-First fished... Then, anything, it was involved...

*****

Yesterday at ice fishing at the Moscow sea the fisherman Petrov pulled out a shark, but decided to release her back - all the same nobody would believe! And he drank a bit too much by then!

*****

Yesterday, when I came home, I was met by the wife dressed in sexual underwear. She stretched me two ropes and told gentle, erotic, exciting golosom:
-Svyazhi me and do everything that you want!
Ya connected it and went fishing.

*****

Yesterday real worms forced the sucker fisher to dig them back.

*****

- How you could shoot at the old friend?!
-seemed to me, what it is a deer in kustakh.
-But then you understood, what were mistaken?
-Only when a deer shot at me.