Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about fishing

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Two on rybalke.
odin (1) speaks: "What you sad such? "
vtoroy (2): "Yes you understand, I had a wedding anniversary, and absolutely forgot! "
(1) calms: "Yes do not worry you so. You remember, for example, date when you the first time hooked fish on a hook? "
(2): "Of course, I remember" .
(1): "Well here, and fish does not remember!"

*****

Two fish. speaks:
-you do not have one with yourself a spare float?
-Why to you? Yes wash with
-all the time sinks.

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Two in tyurme:
-For what put?
-For poaching, glushil.
- And a lot of fish took fish?
-After explosion emerged two plotvy.
- And for it to you gave 10 years?!
-But behind small fry emerged two more divers.

*****

- What did you do on Sunday?
-Went to catch karasey.
- And caught much?
-odnogo.
- Then from where you know, what caught crucians?

*****

Two share impressions rybolova:
-Represent, now fish went some mutirovannaya.
- And what happened?
-went on fishing for a week Recently. Brought fishes. Fried. Sjel.
roga grew.

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Dystrophic persons went fishing and play in pryatki.
-Chur for rods not to hide!
-I for a scaffold too!

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Five components are necessary for good fishing: water, fish, fishing tackles, fisherman and vodka. In the presence of three last elements, the first two are not obligatory. To the fisherman it will also be so good.

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- Darling, you bought me for March 8 a gift?
-Of course, dorogaya.
- And it will be pleasant to me?
-If will not be pleasant, will give me, I dreamed of such spinning long ago.

*****

- Darling, you remember two weeks ago you went with friends to catch a trout? I
Remember, Dorogaya
- And so today one of trout called and told that is pregnant!!!

*****

Palsy-walsy, inveterate fishermen, behind the hobby: tell about the progress...
-So that pike weighed...
-Well, how many, how many? - set on priyateli.
-not to tell lies - a half of that I wanted to tell! But, on krayney
mere, it is twice more, than you thought!

*****

- The uncle, and fish pecks?
-Is not present, it only namekayet.
-As it?
-A here so. The float drives, drives, and then a muzzle from water will put out and speaks: "Sorry, that disturbed".

*****

The man goes to fishing, and there was it in four mornings. Suddenly bushes with flashers are left by traffic polices and stop EGO.
GIBDD: - Dokumentiki.
muzhik gives the rights and tekhtalon.
gibdd: - Normal people in such time sleep at home, and you go somewhere...
muzhik: - Well and I here think, normal houses, and you on bushes hide.

*****

The fisherman goes to the station that to a place of fishing to reach. Passes by bar. An internal voice to it speaks:
-Come!
zashel. Drank a sotochka. Goes dalshe.
opyat bar on the way. An internal voice speaks:
-Come, come!.
zashel, accepted, left. Went further. And here - beer on flood. Internal voice speaks:
-generally, so … You can go to the fishing, and I still beer will take …

*****

Addicts go by the car, suddenly stops their GAI. Well, they were frightened and speak to the one who at a wheel - if will ask, a pier from where go, tell that on fishing were. Well, so stretches nark documents in a window, the cop and asks:
-From where go?
-On fishing were, on Oka, - answers nark.
-Well, well and how Oka?
-did not understand, - speaks nark.
-As Oka? Wait a moment
-, - speaks nark, it is thrust back into the car and speaks to the - supposedly I do not understand anything that it asks it me. Friends speak, you tell a pier something at random, can prokanat. Nark leans out again of a window and speaks:
-Hear, the man, you that asked?
-As Oka? - answers amazed ment.
-To to!

*****

Two fishermen go by the train. Got to talking. What is more senior and speaks:
- And is best of all to catch breams on a worm - samku.
- And how you define them? You Take
-a worm, and you pass it through clenched teeth - if on teeth of egg crackle - the man and if is not present means - the woman means...

*****

Two new Russians on the 600th go. Speed-5км/ч.
Останавливает the GAI officer and asks:
-That so slowly go?
-Kolyan... he asks that we so slowly go?
-Tell-were tired...
-Were tired we.
-A of that you so were tired?
-Kohl? that we so were tired? Tell
-on fishing were.
-On fishing we hodili.
- And where? - the dopytlivy guard zakona.
-Kolyayan asks!!!!! where we went fishing?
-Well... tell on OKU.
-On OKU.
-Well, and how Oka? Pricking
-, he asked - as Oka?
-Well... tell it - a ku-k and went further!

*****

Fishermen go and see a twig, and by the man of cows gonit:
- The Man, here fish is??
-A where from here on х@# to get to with it???
sideli the whole day - any poklevka. Towards evening vidyat
opyat the same muzhika:
- The Man, you told that here fish is!
-A from where to it here on х@# to undertake...

*****

Hardly rearranging feet there is a fisherman and drags on a back of three-meter som, already stooped. Towards to it other fisherman with a bucket, in kotorm is rinsed ten karasik and speaks so ekhidno
-Sho?. Caught only one?

*****

- If since evening it is good to lure fish vodka, at a dawn she will well peck on beer!

*****

If to add some drops of laxative to bait, fish will return to the lured place quicker.

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If at least once these idiots fishermen were removed from the broken-away ice floe not by helicopter pilots and seamen, but snipers, think, more precedents would not be!

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There are many man's hobbies - soccer, fishing, a bath... And the farther from the wife, the less all this is similar to soccer, fishing and a bath...

*****

The wife speaks to the husband who came back with rybalki:
-As I yearned on you, the road! If you stayed there even more long, I would yearn even more!

*****

The wife speaks muzhu:
-to You called priyatel.
-That he wanted?
-Asked to tell that fishing is cancelled, the bar is closed on an inventory.

*****

Wife:
-Darling where you were all night long?
-On fishing, with druzyami.
-picked up Something?
husband (shuddering):
-I Hope, no …

*****

Wife:
-Till a marriage you loaded me gifts. Why you now do not do it?
-of Hm... And you sometime heard, what the fisherman would get a bait on a hook after that,
kak a small fish is already caught?

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-I see, you again caught nothing!
-Is not present, I caught one rybinu.
- And where it?
-Floats somewhere with my spinning …

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-Till a marriage you loaded me gifts. Why you ceased to do it after our wedding? You sometime heard
-A that the fisherman got a bait on a hook after fish is already hooked?

*****

The wife muzhu:
-You on fishing for a long time?
-Well, Vitek took only two bottles.

*****

The wife in a bed with the lover. Phone call. The woman takes the call, talked and tells lyubovniku.
-my husband Called, told that went with you to fishing.

*****

The wife, seeing off the husband on fishing, speaks:
-If pikes will be expensive, buy better than crucians and a carp.

*****

The wife brings together the husband on rybalku:
- The Cat, bring a big trout. If the trout in shop is not, buy a carp.

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Wife:
-What at you was yesterday a catch?
-Six leshchey.
-Means, us shortchanged. From shop the account came to eight.

*****

The wife feeds the whole day the husband with one peas - there is no money for others produkty.
k to evening looks - the husband sits in the small river, sweaty and red from natugi.
-That you do it?
-I cannot more peas... Small fishes zakhotelos.
- And where rod? Yes I not to fish
-, and I am going to suppress.

*****

The woman complains vrachu:
- The Doctor, my husband - the fisher. On days off it is never not present the house, he comes back scary tired and is immediately filled up to sleep. Spends all money for tackles, and fishes I never see. It seems to me, the doctor that the husband is seriously ill. Help, please...
doktor interrupts it tightened monolog:
-It not a disease, madam. It is Charisma.

*****

Once upon a time there was a man defective, well one hand was shorter another and deformirovana.
i whatever to miss, he went fishing inogda.
pridet, a worm hardly will spread and forgets for a while about the gore.
one day it caught a goldfish. A small fish speaks:
-Give it quicker three desires, and that I now will die on air, and you will not receive anything!!!
NU, the man, without thinking twice vypalil:
-I WANT IDENTICAL HANDS!
OK! - his normal hand becomes crooked and deformed, as well as the second...
muzhik in a panic! Oret:
-Well, the silly woman, on the contrary!
HOP! - Its both handles flourishes are turned out by palms up...
muzhik, having forgotten about everything, vizzhit:
-Well you sooovseeemmm the doalboyeby sdeealat me...

*****

Once upon a time there was a person in one of the southern states. And here he noticed somehow that on the nearby lake some stranger was moved to fish. Will come to seven mornings, will sail far away by the boat, and already goes to twelve with two basketfuls of a catch. Well, clearly, the man pricked up the ears and told about it to the ranger. Everything is clear to that, as poaching smells! Once again, when the stranger arrived to fish, the ranger approached it, it was presented mestnym.
neznakomets: - Well, we will go, we will catch a small fish?
reyndzher: - And that! I then also arrived!
otplyli decently from the coast. The stranger gets a dynamite stick. At the ranger of an eye on lob:
imenem the law I order you to stop! I am a ranger and is compelled to arrest you!
muzhik quietly sets fire to dynamite and reyndzheru:
-So I did not understand vanities in hands, you that, will not catch a small fish?

*****

Once upon a time there were old man with the old woman at the most blue morya.
raz the old man in the sea threw a seine, pulled out a goldfish and thought zhelaniye.
proshlo three years, and the desire did not appear...

*****

Once upon a time there were old man with the old woman in an old peasant house, in collective farm. Lived in poverty - that the pension is not present, land taxes повысят.
Как time were grumbled by the old woman: "You would get the motor scooter and you would drive the grandfather on fishing! And that only potato and Snickers any to me to the old woman of delight!" There is nothing to do to the old grandfather - sat down on "Vyatka", took a bag for fish and on a pond he moved on blizhniy.
v the first time the grandfather of seines of pieces threw twenty - not less, but seines empty, only cans of canning tens came. The second time the grandfather with scope in a pond threw 400 grams of trotyl... Only submarines of foreign production emerged. The old man blew-spat, became angry and vederochko limes chloric were zapuzdyrit by him in the center of a reservoir!
TUT emerged a goldfish and said angrily oskalyas: "You that went balmy absolutely old blockhead!? "
TUT begged our old man, began to cry:" Help, a distribyyutersha-small fish! In total not in a high my grandma to the old woman - through eto to me too does not have a maza! Like, potato does not climb it in a throat - serve it caviar yes spiny lobsters! "
TUT took pity a small fish, told: "All right to a starcha, bring down to yourself with the world - there will be to you frikasse-artichokes! Only bleaching powder you do not indulge any more! After all and so racketeers jammed!" Also went to depth on tusovku.
smotrit the grandfather - the pack of dollars in a grass began to shine. The grandfather in an obmenka on pier ran, exchanged one hundred baker in a trice and run somersaults in a supermarket. Here it brings home gifts - the old woman does not look at products, and again the old fart abuses: "Ah you are an old goat schizophrenic! Bought everyone lay down and it is happy! Well quickly Cana carelessly and buy froze to me "Phillips", ours that "ZIL" five times failed! "
pobezhal again the old man in an exchanger - exchanged at once one thousand dollars and rushed bought the refrigerator, on "Gazelle" to the house delivered. More the steam sterilizer quarrels:" I do not want any, the refrigerator! And give you to me a wheelbarrow "Toyota" that not sickly I would fly to general store! "
vtyukhal to the neighbor the grandfather froze, and again to an exchange moved. It got change nemeryano dollars and to the old woman "Karina" delivered. Only again the granny not in the spirit of: "On a horse-radish the coffin on wheels is necessary! Let will construct to me instead of an izba, the real country house with the pool! And that the small fish your gold served as my six! But you will not execute, killers will be quickly found by me. That the iron to you in a bum was put! "
delat nothing the grandfather got into Toyota and went to a pond behind council. Long he clicked a brokershu-small fish, cried, faxes to her sent yes bows. It is visible the small fish took pity, was secured, speaks to the old man reproachfully:" That in any way you will not be appeased to a starcha? Forty thousand green - and are not enough!? I that thought you got rid?! "
" Gold you are a sterlet beluga! Zadolbala the old woman, jammed. Wants to take you on distributings that you eyny would be a roof! "
nichego were not bazarit by a small fish, only threw a pack of the green:" In total boy, more dollars will not be! You give them intelligently in luggage in business". Also it was covered as to call pominali.
dolgo the old man thought doubted, all wandered round a pond yes understood. Then he sat down in a tochila and to the city, so jerked that already tires sparkled. As there arrived our grandfather to the city, at once "abrupt" he employed couple for the old woman that control to it a teapot would punch. He threw out the old passport on a horse-radish, and to himself celebrated a new ksiva. Wandered a hut chose stronger, in the Tverskaya chose the new grandma. So years under 30 approximately. Also lives to himself, in a mustache does not blow, wishing you the same, of course.