Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about fishing

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There lived in the village on the river bank two twin brothers. One had a boat, and at another the wife. Also it happened so that the wife of one died, and at the second the boat sank. And here the wife of the local priest decided to visit the widower, but mixed and got to lodochniku:
-Hello, I came to express condolences to you, such loss...
:-(
-Yes anything, thanks. Not such and utrata.
-:-o
-All the same it was already old, half-rotten all. And fish from her it is constant vonyalo.
-: - When I it used O
-any stability: you will load the back - before will rise, you will load before - the back podnimetsya.
-8-() But how everything occurred?
-Yes gave it to three friends to use recently, warned that in turn and not really often it was used. So these morons got into it all three at once... It is natural that it right there burst from before to the back...
-???!!!... %

*****

The grandfather the first time threw a seine in the sea, the seine with one grass morskoy.
vtoroy time came the grandfather threw a seine - again anything, one grass morskaya.
trety time the grandfather threw a seine and it caught sea svinku.
i the pig human golosom:
-said to it Daaa, you touched chyo that, the grandfather, with a grass sea!!!

*****

Had a bite. Now to go fishing there is nobody.

*****

The Parisian and the resident of Marseilles about fish lovle.
- At us in Seine began to argue once, - the Parisian speaks, - it is enough to lower a bucket in water to take out its full ryby.
-Unless it is fish! - the resident of Marseilles shrugs shoulders. Here at us, in Marseille, it is necessary to remove fish to gather a water bucket.

*****

The fisherman comes into fish shop and buys big karpa.
rasplachivayetsya, and then asks prodavtsa:
-Know that, you to me this fish from there, because of a counter, throw!
prodavets udivlenno:
- And what for??? After that I honestly can tell
RYBAK:
-to all that I itself caught a such carp!

*****

The inveterate fisherman Simon always exaggerated the sizes of that big fish that broke. But once it really caught two huge a flounder. Invited friends to a lunch. The fisherman reflected as it is better to give rybu.
-If to put on a table at once both, - he told the wife, is budet
vyglyadet too immodestly. If to cut them, nobody will believe, chto
ya caught two such big rybiny.
v the end of the ends to its mind came remarkable ideya.
kogda guests sat down at a table, there was an owner with a dish on which the huge flounder reclined. Suddenly Simon stumbled and fell. All in horror screamed, fish crashed down on a floor. But Simon only waved rukoy.
-Darling - he shouted to the wife, - give another.

*****

One man drugomu:
-Vasya calls, went in the evening on rybalku.
-Not poydu.
-That? Yes to me the wife of the house allowed to drink
-.

*****

One friend drugomu:
-Ty calls to fishing go tomorrow?
Wait, now with the wife Posovetuyus.
-well? Went, the biting will be отличный.
- No, I will not go. The wife allowed vodka of the house to drink...

*****

Call: Vasya of the house? You know
-, we have such grief - Vasya umer.
-did not understand... So he chyo, will not go fishing perhaps?

*****

Call on mobilnik:
-Darling, where are you?
-Ya on rybalke.
- And who it there so loudly breathes?
-Is a pike.

*****

Winter. The frozen reservoir. Ha ice leaves the fan of ice fishing and, as suddenly from where the MAN is attached to drill a hole from above thunderous golos:
-! HERE FISH is NOT PRESENT!!!
8-() the Man looked round - around anybody. Shrugged shoulders, the MAN departed meters on hundred, and again sveplit.
-!!! HERE FISH is NOT PRESENT!!!!!
I again around anybody. Hy the man still far away departed...
-MAN!!!!!! I THOSE TOLD - there is no FISH HERE!
man did not sustain and obratya a look vskpichal:
-who it says to the sky Yes?!
-WHO, WHO! DIRECTOR of the SKATING RINK!!!

*****

Winter fishing. The man sits near a hole without cap. Another to it speaks:
-You that without cap?
-Yes offered hundred grams yesterday, and I did not hear.

*****

- Know, I like to relax! Here I will sit down in a chair and I can 3, even 4 hours to sit and look at small fishes in an aquarium!
-A the wife is not indignant?
-Yes what to it put, than I at work am engaged?!

*****

Business such means, the man went to take worms on fishing, gathered and looks, one worm small such that he decided it to retain so far to fatten. In a year went fishing with this fattened worm, got it on a hook, put out a feeler in an ice-hole, somewhere through two the worm with two breams in teeth comes up minutes, and Petrovich speaks they could eat me!!!

*****

Both the boxer, and at the fisherman has to have long hands - only in this case it will be what to tell.

*****

Also the grandfather threw a seine, and it caught a small fish! And once again it threw a seine, and caught one more small fish! And for the third time it threw a seine, both pulled out the boat - and granted three desires of a rybnadzor!

*****

- And much you caught, Mr.? - the rural little boy at the visitor of the fisher who alone sat rechki.
-ashore So far anything though stayed here already three chasa.
togda at you took an interest affairs are not so bad, - the little boy noticed. - One

*****

And young answered: "K
sozhalenyyu,
boyus that yours will not help sovet.
u mine another …
napravlenye,
stoit, an infection as I will wake up at daybreak".

*****

And the young man asked ego:
"Tell,
TY oblovitsya, and to me not pryot.
kak you are defined s
nazhivkoy,
ILI on life is so lucky you?"

*****

There is a drunk on the coast. Sees - cast ashore a goldfish. Lies, lashes, asks to throw it into water, promises to execute three zhelaniya.
-Dai on opokhmet a glass of beer!
poyavlyaetsya glass of beer. The drunk is enough a small fish, thrashes her on the back party kisti:
-Here and the taranka is!

*****

There is a poacher on the wood, on a shoulder - healthy such kaban.
vdrug from where undertake from bushes the huntsman. Bars it the way, directs a carbine, and with threat asks:
-It that it at you there on a shoulder?
brakonyer:
-On it... (looks around through the left shoulder) - anything, and on it... (looks around through right and shudders) - A-A-A-A!

*****

There is a feast in Gruzii.
vstayet one and speaks:
-I want to drink for us, men because the woman without men as fish without vody.
tut gets up the woman of years 65 and speaks:
-E, listen, I lived in this world 65 years without man and as you see, not umerla.
na that muzhchina:
-We drink for fresh fish.

*****

There is a man on the coast, sees the fisherman and thinks now I will approach and sproshu
pervy variant:
(I: How are you doing? And It: Well. A Ya: How fishing? And It: Otlichno.
a I: Well so far.)
vtoroy variant
(I: How are you doing? It: Badly I: What does not peck? It: No. Я: Well I wish a good biting so far.)
podoshel.
muzhik: - How are you doing?
rybak: - Went on...
muzhik: Hm, too option...

*****

There is a man on the river bank and drags two just caught sturgeons. From bushes Aga jumps out rybinspektor:
-, got the swine! Now I on you will make the protocol for poaching.!!!
MUZHIK:
-Companion chief, these osetryshka, like my pets. Many years ago I tamed them and from time to time I come to the coast, three times whistle, they come and I with them walk... Want I will prove!? Well prove
inspektor:
-A! The man zashvyrivat sturgeons to the river and impudently looks on inspektora.
tot:
-Well, whistle three times and we will look, whether sturgeons to you will come!
muzhik vozmushchenno:
-What else sturgeons, chief...???????

*****

There is a man on the river bank and drags two bushes which are just caught osetrov.
iz Aga jumps out rybinspektor:
-, got the swine! Now I on you will make the protocol for brakonyerstvo.
muzhik:
-Companion chief, these osetryshka, like my pets. Many years ago I tamed them and from time to time I come to the coast, three times whistle, they come and I with them walk. Want I will prove? Well prove
inspektor:
-A!
muzhik zashvyrivat sturgeons to the river and looks on inspektora.
tot:
-Well, whistle three times and we will look, whether they will come to tebe.
muzhik, vozmushchenno:
-Who will come, the chief?

*****

There is somehow Rockefeller on a beach and sees some ragamuffin fisherman who lies to himself on a sand, luxuriates on the sun, and the rod rolls ryadom.
-Hm, so you will not hook a lot of fish! - uttered on.
- And what for? - asked rybak.
-Well, as!? You will hook a lot of fish, you will buy a network! You will hook even more fish!
-A what for?
-Well, then you will buy a motorka and you will catch even more!
-A what for?
-Well, why!? You will sell fish, you will buy the yacht, a trawl, tackles, you will bring other workers!
-A what for?
-Here fool! They will work for you, and you will only consider profit, nothing to do, and to lie to yourself on a sand...
-Well, and I now your way that I do...!?

*****

There is a fisherman on the coast of a pond, and the man up to a neck in water sees kartinu:
stoit, itself does not wave - measurement. On litse
blazhennaya a smile, a rod in rukakh.
-On what you catch? On a worm?
-Tc-c-c.
-That - a perch?
-Not - som.
-That klyuyot?
-Not - SUCKS

*****

There is one fisherman with a bucket of crucians on the river bank, on a meeting to it another with enormous som through plecho.
tot which with crucians, with a smile asks drugogo:
chto, only one perhaps?

*****

There is a fisherman and drags an okhuyenny catfish of kilograms under 100.
idet - already stooped. Towards to it other fisherman with a bucket of crucians also speaks so ekhidno:
-to Che, only one caught.....!?

*****

There is a meeting of society of amateur fishers. Acts predsedatel:
-time of winter fishing Comes nearer. Let's take how many vodka? In a year before last we took on one bottle on the brother - lost rods, last year took on two - lost the bus. What offer? rybolov:
-I Suggest to take
vykhodit one this year on three, but the rod not to take and not to leave the bus.

*****

There is a Meeting of amateur fishers of Predsedatel:
-In a year before last, misters, we on fishing took on a bottle on the brother - rod
poteryali. In the past - on two bottle - lost the bus. What we will be delat
v this year? From ryadov:
-to Take a voice on three bottles, but the rod not to take and not to leave the bus.

*****

There is a court. The judge addresses to svidetelyu:
-you told that accused was exclusively honest and truthful person. Than you can prove it?
svidetel:
-Ya own ears heard how it admitted once that stayed the whole day with a rod, and caught nothing.

*****

There is one joker on the coast, ahead - a rybachok with a rod. Well, thinks, now I "will pin up" the fisherwoman. I will approach and will ask: "Well, the small fish is caught?", and it to me: "Well, I am not caught anything", and to it: "With such ugly face unless that you will understand! "
podkhodit, asks:
-Well, a rybachok, a small fish is caught? Yes you will catch
-here when with such ugly faces go around!

*****

There are two men on the river bank, look ashore the Jew sits and fish udit.
odin the man speaks to another: "Let's a pier ask, whether fish pecks. If tells what "Yes", we skazhem:
- These Jews Are lucky. And if Is not present, to:
-Tak to kikes and it is necessary to you!
podkhodyat shorter and is asked: "Well, pecks", and it to them in reply: "You went to such that swear!". Here also speaks to one another: "Here you see, I spoke, what even among Jews there are normal people.

*****

There are two men along the river, see the fisherman costs on a belt in water and catches rybu.
muzhiki shout: - The small fish pecks?
rybak: - More silently - calm?!!
muzhiki is silent: - What crucian?
rybak: - Is not present WITH?!
muzhiki: - Pecks?
rybak: - Well SUCKS!!!

*****

There are two fishermen with rods on a taiga. Go, go... At last one asks a drugogo:
-Ha and where lions here?

*****

There are fishermen to the lake. On the road meet old deda.
- And that, the old grandfather, is fish in the lake!
-Yes where to get to with it!
prosideli at the lake - caught the whole day nothing. Come back - the same ded.
-That you told lies, the grandfather! Is not present in the lake of fish!
-Yes where to it to undertake!

*****

From news. Yesterday operation on removal of fishermen from the come-off ice floe was performed. Most the sniper Sidorov removed.

*****

From objyavleniya:
srochno fishing tackles are on sale (rods, spinnings, a scaffold, hooks, etc.) is very cheap. To call by telephone 555 - 5555. If the man approaches phone, to tell that were mistaken number...