Jokes about holidays

Read funny Jokes about New Year

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For New Year's stolom:
-Why you close eyes every time when you drink? Yes I promised
- to the wife that in New year I will not look in a shot glass any more...

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At a New Year's table the husband says tost:
-we Will drink for that in New year all our dreams were executed!
Wife in slezy:
-Again means on days off with friends on fishing, to my mother not razreshish
priyekhat to us to stay for a while and will bang the red secretary.

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Guests for New Year sat up, the hostess does not know what to do. Call by phone. It approaches and here idea... Comes back and oret:
- The Fire, the fire!
VSE:
-U of whom fire?
-Ya did not catch... at someone from you.

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Call to a door. Father Frost and the Snow Maiden come into the apartment with jokes and humourous catchphrases. Father Frost climbs in a bag, gets a gift, gives it to the little boy and speaks:
-Well, and now, the friend, you will tell us a small rhyme!
malchik rises on a stool and, pressing a gift to a breast, it is joyful deklamiruyet:
- The Fir-tree green again at us in the apartment number five! Sparks... Stop! - Father Frost suddenly jumps up
-, grabs a bag and Snegurochke:
-shouts Pull out a gift, on a horse-radish!!! The apartment was mixed!!!

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Call to a door. To the room merrily Father Frost and three dense Snow Maidens becomes hollow. The owner with udivleniyem:
-About! What now impressive maintenance at Father Frost!
snegurochki:
-A you try one drag on a hump of this drunk after the tenth address!

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Call to a door. On a threshold Father Frost. Little boy joyfully krichit:
-Hi Father Frost! You gifts …
- Not of the tranda, boy! The corkscrew is?!

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Call the man on New Year's Eve. It tube snimayet:
-Yes. Thanks, and you also. Thanks, and to you the same. Thanks, and you there.

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Hi, Father Frost!
vozmozhno, I last year incorrectly wrote the word Porsche.

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Hi, Grandfather of Moroz
tut such business...
khorosho - a bag brought,
NADO to hide a body...

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- Hi, MISH.
-Zdraste, Nikolay Konstantinovich.
-Guess a riddle: neither drinks nor smokes - for new year is on duty!
- of Eee... Et you on what hint?

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Winter. New year. At a door it is ringing. The little boy opens a door - behind it there is an enormous jockstrap in a suit of Father Frost, with a bag a staff and other attributes. Ambal:
-you Know who I am?
- Yes - and- And, you is Father Frost...
- Yes, I am Father Frost, I distribute to children gifts. Only you should tell any stishok.
- The Grass turns green, the sun shines, a swallow with a spring... with a spring, with a spring... e-e-e...
- You that? Forgot, perhaps?
- of Agaaa...
- Well ** your mother! (extremely disappointedly).

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Winter, eve of New Year. In a gate there is an exhibitionist, having wrapped in a raincoat. Goes on the road tetka.
v to each hand on 4 bags, hard. Suddenly directly before it from a gate the exhibitionist jumps out, plows up a raincoat. The aunt looks at it a sad look, then vzdykhayet:
-Here the devil, eggs forgot to buy!

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Know, what phrase most often should be read during the Christmas period?
"Batteries Are Not Included in the Package".

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Whether you know, what prodigal Italians for New year throw out old furniture in windows? And cunning Jews select it and resell to Russia.

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- Know, why Santa Claus always such cheerful? He precisely knows where there live all bad girls.

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The son-in-law teshche:
-Mother, let's meet this New year together, after all the next your year, year of the Snake...
- Of course, the sonny, and that when still we will gather New year to meet, years only through three...
-A that at us in three years?
- Year of Baran!!!

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Also the angel was on the night of Christmas to the young man. Also I told angel:
-Kind today, about the young man, and I will execute therefore one your desire. Choose. What do you want? The riches, equal to whom is not present at anybody from the living? Wisdom, incomparable? Or love such, what lights stars and hearts of poets? And the judicious young man chose wisdom. The angel granted desire. And sprosil:
- And what you will tell now, about Mudreyshiyy?
I told Mudreyshiy:
-Money it was necessary to take!

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Needle in egg. Egg - in a duck. Yes, cheerfully met in surgery New Year!

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There is Father Frost across the Tverskaya. Towards - prostitutki.
podkhodit one of them and speaks:
-Hi, dedushka.
-Hi, a vnuchenka, with coming you, only a present at me net.
-Anything, the grandfather. But at me for you est.
rasstegivayet a fly also starts doing it minet.
-Aaa-h, uuu-x, the good fellow, only do not chill a neck.

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There is somehow a man down the street, the woman sidit.
-That sees in a pool you in a pool sit?
-A can I the Snow Maiden, and I can thawed!

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From New Year's pozdravleniy:
-to British: seven foots under KILEM;
-to Scots: one and a half foots under a kilt!

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The exhausted husband, all in fir-tree needles, brings home the fir-tree frayed on the way. Eternally dissatisfied wife, having taken a contemptible view of both, zayavlyaet:
- The Sweet couple. Amazing similarity. You it is each other ideal podkhodite.
-Perhaps, expensive... But pay attention and to a difference: the fir-tree was cut down under a back only once, and you saw me all life.

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So! New Year already came! Now all men remorselessly can put a face pack "Russian salad"!

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July. There comes the commission to children's hospital with check comes into the hall and sees: in the middle of the hall there is a fir-tree (decorated with New Year's gadgets), and round this fir-tree of the child with Father Frost and the Snow Maiden the round dance is driven. The crazy commission resorts to glavvrachu:
-That it at you in the hall occurs?
- As that? New year vstrechayem.
-New year in yanvare.
-Well so they till January will not live.

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To the good worker for New Year Father Frost, and to bad Ded Lyne comes.

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Each drunk 0,33 l approach New year on half an hour - create the time machine!

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Every year on December 31 we with friends go to a bath. And not because the tradition at us such but because every time, asking the wife of permission to bring for a holiday of friends, hears each of us in reply traditsionnoye:
"Go all of you to a bath!"

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As you will meet new year, so and it is necessary to you.

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Eve of Christmas. Mother takes Vovochka with herself in department store to give it the chance to communicate with Ded of Morozom.
kak only they were included into department store, Vovochka at whom, as they say, the ants in the pants, right there rush to the hall of toys and jumps on the shaken wooden horse (who it is exposed especially for it there). Mother allows it "to ride" this horse of 10 minutes, 20, half an hour, then tries to let to it know that it is already time to go, but it is vain. Mother to it and suggests to talk to Father Frost, and promises it all toys, candies and it is a lot of that else - is ineffectual. And here, when mother already on the verge of a hysterics, is included into department of toys Father Frost in person and offers mother the help. Mother, naturally, agrees though already and does not believe in success. Father Frost whispers something on an ear of Vovochke who right there jumps off from a horse, runs to mother, takes her by hand, and they leave. Mother asks Vovochka that Father Frost told it, but that only mutters something nevnyatnoye.
doma mother again tries to find out it from Vovochka, but that again tells nothing. At last mother managed to razspeaks it, and Vovochka opens for her this taynu:
-He told me: "You, the bastard, quickly got down from this shitty horse, and shcha as I will cut that on a mug, to army will roar!"

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- Apartment 115? Delivery elok.
khozyain:
-Yes you che? What fir-tree?! The middle fevralya.
muzhik - naparniku:
-Spoke to you - do not hurry! About New year of 10 more months!!!

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Claustrophobia - Santa Claus's fear.

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When the doomsday is close, people probably too will call each other, but it is already sad to speak so: "With the coming..."

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When Santa Claus began to put to the Russian children gifts in socks, broke to himself fingers...

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- You from whom heard this awful word? - mother on syna.
-From Father Frost snatches, mama.
-cannot be!
- Can! He told it when Petka closed up to it with a snowball in an eye!

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End of December. The actor Ostroumov lies on the semi-disorganized sofa in the apartment with the peeled wall-paper. The wife left, work is not present, money is not present. It is not known even, on what to celebrate New year. Mister Ostroumov is distributed telephone zvonok:
-? You are disturbed concerning shootings. We to you suggest to act in Hollywood, at Spielberg. The role, however, not main, plays the main Schwarzenegger, but too the serious. We will not offer thousand dollars, but on eight hundred in day can rasschityvat.
vas it will arrange?
-A when shootings?
-C on 10 yanvarya.
-Well - at is not present on December 25... I cannot. I have fir-trees...

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End of December. Lectures at institute. Teacher: "We did not manage to sort an important subject. Therefore we arrange additional class." Opens the daily log, short-sightedly squinting, gets a grasp of records: "Ta-a-ak... Here at me evening on December 30, and morning 31 is free. What day choose? "
prakticheski all students amicably, chorus: "And give, in the 31st evening!!! "
prepodavatel (in all seriousness): "One minute... Now I will look that at me for the evening on December 31 it is planned..."

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End of December … On a column the announcement dangles: "You can order Father Frost and the Snow Maiden by phone …"
derzhas for a column, costs drunk and is bitter rydayet:
"Killers! Monsters! Father Frost and that was ordered …"

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- Who are you?
-Ya Father Frost, malchik.
- And where you drag our TV set?

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Lenka? Oh, and Lena it is possible? Lenka? Hi! It I! Flax, in a window looked out? Fine, huh? the Aida of a snowflake language to catch! I do not joke. You know how it is healthy! They thaw, holodnenky.... Everything, understood: you do not want. And departed snow to force down from fir-trees? You run up to a tree, knock on it, everything falls, and it is necessary to be in time Ube... Well, well, Lenka. It is not pleasant, I understood. So, maybe, sledge? At me is in the cellar. And hill a stone's throw away. Good hill. Already rolled. There now... What? Why nonsenses? So after all and it is healthy that we rather big!
predstavlyaesh, small fry potters about, and we... Yes... Yes... Nonsenses. Of course. Simply I sit one and it was thought, suddenly you... Yes, Lenka, and give in park we descend! There still the fir-tree was not cleaned. Speak, Father Frost goes. A disco directly on the street... I see. Yes, there is no mood. So can...
ChTO? As always? Lenka, again, as always? What? Well, I am glad, glad. Come, konechno.
ne invent, Len, I is glad. I wait, of course. . I will prepare everything... Well... I will try... I you love
I. Hear, Len, and after sex we will walk?