Jokes about holidays

Read funny Jokes about New Year

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On the eve of New year in the Kremlin the fir-tree was open for the Soviet children, excellent students. The fir-tree so was pleasant to children that many of them did not even want to leave the Kremlin, and the boy Vova Putin promised Father Frost to come to the Kremlin fir-tree, even when will become the adult.

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Last December in the black market there were false Christmas tree decorations. In appearance they as the presents, but pleasures from them any.

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On New Year's Eve in a sobering-up station fifty people and fourteen snowmen were brought. The cause of error of militiamen becomes clear...

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On New Year's Eve mother persuades the little sonny to lay down spat:
-Look, and aunts in the TV razzdevatsya already...

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On the night of Christmas when the sky is painted with festive salute and sparkles of snow will begin to shine from multi-colored garlands, to kind Catholics cheerful Santa Claus will be knocked and will present to kids beautiful and tasty gifts, and happy Catholics will go to bed, and they will dream color fantastic dreams...
... And when at daybreak the darkness at last will wrap up the sleeping city in the embraces, to kind devout Muslims cheerful Osama bin Laden will very quietly be knocked and will present to kids brand new in factory AK-47 greasing with a full unit of fire.

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A rating of the most popular dishes of the Russian New Year's table with a big separation won against "Against the person salad".

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In Russia do not celebrate New year any more. We celebrate that survived in the old.

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- In Russia the most extreme month - January! New Year, Christmas, Old New Year...
-A why to us Old New Year?
- Is control: in a liver!

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In Russia 2 capitals, 2 New years, 2 Christmases, and now and 2 presidents.

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In the plane the passenger looks in a window and in a fright pozyvat to himself styuardessu:
-We that, went off-course??
- Is not present from what you took it??
- But under us SNOW, a taiga, and have to be Hawaii.
- Yes not, everything normal, simply is new Russians New year celebrate.

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In a family was two children - one pessimist, and other optimist. New year comes nearer. Parents decided them "to equal", well that not such extremes were, and prepared gifts: to the pessimist horse, and to the optimist heap of horse manure. In the morning children wake up …
pessimist: - H;, loshadkaaa … Small, and I wanted big … brown, and I wanted gray in apples … Derevyannaaayayayaya, and I wanted zhivuuuyuyuyuyu …
optimist: - And y me LIVE! Only ESCAPED!

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At school Father Frost invited not the professional actor to a fir-tree, and simply some fellow. Besides all other words in the scenario were and takiye:
-Sedovlas and a red nose who I am, children?
Ha that the child had to joyfully otvetit:
-Father Frost!
Kak it usually also happens in such cases, at the fellow, i.e. Father Frost random access memory and he vydal:
- The Red nose and sedovlas who I am, children started to malfunction?.

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This year New year in America is cancelled... Santa Claus was not given the visa!

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- Whether you believe in Santa Claus's existence?
-Santa Claus does not exist! Father Frost told me about it.

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Cheerful time - Christmas Eve. Especially for Santa Claus: Mrs. Claus burned Christmas cookies, elves demand overtime and do not do a toy, and deer so got drunk during the lunchtime that broke sledge. Santa tears a beard from zlosti:
-Christmas Eve outside, gifts are not ready, cookies in a bucket, and these horned alcoholics will not be got! And where the small angel gads? Sent the moron behind a fir-tree three hours ago!
otkryvayetsya a door, also becomes hollow small angel:
-Hear, the grandfather and where we will put a tree?
C of that time also went tradition to put on the top of a fir-tree of a small angel.

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Spring joke: not late to meet New Year in Tallinn...

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Whether the whole world looks forward to information from Rossii.
khvatit at the Russian forces to celebrate Old New year?

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Two addicts at metro station see the fellow who goes with the poster and krichit:
-New year - without drugs! The addict asks
ODIN drugogo:
-That it he shouts? I che not dogonyayu.
-It say that about New year it is necessary to smoke all grass.

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Vovochka speaks mame:
-Mothers, and who my father?
-Grandfather of Moroz.
-As it?
- As, as... Came at night, gave a gift and more it nobody saw...

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Generally, we do not believe in Father Frost who distributes all gifts... Well, unless when we vote on elections.

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Question at a forum of virgins: I still virgin. I have no guy. Because I am not a beauty. I too want to lose virginity this new year. But I meet its one. I thought itself to lose a cucumber or banana, but very much I am afraid of pain. And very much I am afraid that I will not have enough determination to thrust it there. Therefore thought up that I will take a bottle of champagne and I will thrust into a marazilka. Then when will freeze I will get with it into a bathtub. I will remove delays and I will put to a tselka. The bottle will heat up and will shoot. To turn out that I will lose virginity bystro.
otvet: Look, be not shot! Happy New Year!

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Here at us for new year you rub full nachinayettso. All problem that cats start a rain guzzling with a fir-tree. and then to them to crap. as a result the rain leaves a bottom but not completely, and it is impossible to pull for it because it is possible to wound a cat. we simply cut off it. and we wait will get out so far. so you estimate on the eve of new year the girlfriend sits at mother. the cat on kitchen with a meter rain from a bum comes. mother's girlfriend: "oh, I look you and cats were decorated".

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- Here to you the gift for New year, - is told by the father, handing to the son gitaru.
-Thanks! - the son thanks. - Wait, and why it without strings?
- Not all at once, sonny. Here you will learn to play then we will buy strings.

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All remember how last year, the whole world helped starving in Somali.
tak here, there is Father Frost down the street, and behind it Father Frost, Father Frost run rebyatishki-negrityata:
-, give a gift!
-A, here also I will not give, - Father Frost speaks instructively, - I give gifts only, to those children who well eat!

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There is a man from under a fir-tree after New Year's holidays and Galya, what is the date today asks at zheny:
-?
- Today vtoroye.
- And chyo, the first was not?

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Meeting of New Year. One lady speaks drugoy:
-to me it seems, we already met new year in one company of years 12 nazad.
- The Truth? I something not pripominayu.
- At me too on faces bad memory. But on dresses - good.

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Two meet shlyukhi:
-Well, how to you Father Frost's member?
-O! Something improbable! Melts in the mouth!!!

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Two meet druga.
-As met New year? It was cheerful? I do not know
-, a film was not developed yet …

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Two gays meet after New year. speaks:
-Listen to one, darling, with me such tremendous history for New year priklyuchilas.
stuchitsya to me at a door the man, eyes such, you know, blue-blue, cheeks rozovenkiye-rozovenky. Odette in red, and behind shoulders such bag huge. Another otvechayet:
-Darling, so it Father Frost was! That it was first so cold to
-with me!

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All country exhausted with the heaviest celebration of New Year in the morning on January 11th with pleasure came to work …

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Yesterday N.'s snowman committed suicide having jumped on a heating main. Psychologists consider that the complexes tormenting a snowman in connection with small carrot are guilty.

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- You where will celebrate New Year? We do not remember
-!! Drunk we will be!

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- You are planning a New Year where?
- Face salad ...

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Call on Father Frost's house! Call by our telephone, and to you right there will disconnect heating!

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The GAI officer stops the car which exceeded skorost.
-Where you so hurry? - he asks Driverya.
-Home. We met New year with friends, I was late a little. The wife volnuyetsya.
-But after all now May on dvore.
- Therefore I hurry.

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The German scientists-archivists found the documents which allowed to establish, in their opinion, a surname of Santa Claus - Meshkenkhryubenbakh. Shortly they are also going to publish surnames of the Snow Maiden, the Hare and the Squirrel, allegedly - Shneeshlyayn, Prygenbukhen and Gryzauer

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dekabrya:
optimist:
-New year will be better than the 31st, than old!
pessimist:
-will be worse New year, than old!
realist:
- The Pancake, again I will get drunk...

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Citizens if ring a door and you see in sober Ded's peephole of Moroza
-do not open a door is robbers at all. Remember, the real Father Frost always in an insole is drunk!

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- Give everything together we will call the Snow Maiden!
- the Dream - gu - ro - a chka!!!
-A let's cause bewilderment on the person Snegurochki now!
- On - went!!!