Anecdotes about the job

Read funny Anecdotes about the job

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- How do deaf gynecologists?
- They read lips.

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The worker of meat-processing plant speaks on prokhodnoy:
-I and itself I am surprised how this unfortunate slice of meat moreover with a stone got to my handbag.

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- You that are late for work?
- Yes an alarm clock not prozvonil.
-Probably got drunk yesterday and broke?
- Is not present, was smoked and sorted...

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The hard worker timidly entered an office of the chief and, hesitating, put on a table a leaf. The chief read: "I ask to give out me financial support of 712 rubles instead of what the wife together with trousers washed in the washing machine".

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The hard worker is going to do a canopy over a house entrance in the Tverskaya. The mobster approaches it and asks:
-Hear, the man, you that beg here?
- Yes here, I think a roof from icicles organizovat.
-Umatyvay you here, the clever man, from here quickly and remember: the roof at otsosulek here is available for a long time.

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The worker asks the nachalnika:
- And what such criticism from above and what such criticism from below? You I will better show to
-Ya it visually. Itself rose on a balcony, and to the worker ordered to stand below. Then spat and got to the worker on golovu:
-This criticism from above, and now spit you!
rabochy spat and got to itself on golovu.
nachalnik:
- And this criticism from below!

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The angered boss calls in Agency on economy elektroenergii.
-Pretty business this your fight for economy of electricity, - he growls. - Some nonsense. Only you forget one thing: as soon as I follow your advice and I will lower temperature in office to 18 degrees, all my employees will call a strike because secretaries will put on panties.

*****

In bufete.
-That we will take conversation? Beer?
- What beer on a workplace!
- is correct. Give two vodka.

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Conversation of two employees on rabote:
-In the second half of day absolutely there is a wish for nothing delat.
- And in the first?
-A in the first wanted est.
- When I retire, I will not do anything. Within the first months I will sit in a rocking-chair And then? Then I will start being shaken by
-A.

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Conversation of two employees on rabote:
-Till a lunch you fight against hunger, and after a lunch - against a dream!

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- You why on a razmetochny plate a hammer straighten details. A plate - a thing expensive. Where you took it?
-C of the next site prines.
-Well, then give... Only that with the quality mark was!

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The director - dramaturgu:
-I read your play, but I will not put it. I, whether know, the opponent of a mat in teatre.
-But there is not present in the text mata.
-In the text is not present. The mat will be in a hall.

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Advertizing of the coffee maker: "Do not kill the wife with homework! Let it do electricity!"

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The recipe of career growth in Russia is simple: career of the man depends on the one who with whom drinks, career of the woman - who with whom sleeps. The problem what it is much more difficult to drink with the necessary person than to oversleep!

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The director talks with again arriving on rabotu:
-In our establishment very much accuracy is appreciated. You walked over a rug before a door?
- Oh, yes! Konechno.
- And still we appreciate honesty. Before a door there is no rug.

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Whether the director calls the personnel manager and asks:
- There is at us a young, perspective employee who will be able to replace me subsequently?
- Yes, such also is!
- Prepare documents for dismissal!

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- Since when do you work for our company?
- Since intimidated that fired.

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- The classwork at the Pope: you come to work, and your immediate superior is crucified on a cross.

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The best work - that which for you is done by others.

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The best in life - the mother-in-law! Here posudite.
vstayesh in the morning, without having slept, one work faster. You go by the bus, an electric train - around spiteful ghouls, the zombie. In total will rumple, feet will crush, the reek of alcohol will make the air, will have a sleep on tebe; here something rests against a hip, in the head: "Though it would be phone or an umbrella …". You come for work, the administration puts at once a cancer and without vaseline … 12 hours run, the ass in soap, a spine is not bent, feet hoot, in 5 minutes until the end of change sat down to take rest, and you: "Chyo, work is not present?! Penalty 1000r!". You go home, the next opposition, only already with poddaty students, bums and pensioners who were "tired" on a kitchen garden. You come crawling home, after a shower you prepare for yourself to devour (because the wife, poor, was tired for all day of sitting at a forum: eyes hurt and fingers ache from the keyboard). Sat down to have supper before a computer that at the same time to check mail, the wife with cries right there (as though watches) rushes: "Again on the Internet? Go with children sit, I want to have a rest". Without having devoured up to the end, there are to spinogryza, they: draw the Pokemon, stick together a bakugan, make "самолётик" … At last, children are put to bed. Wife, hopefully: "Darling, you want sex? Here only I will add the comment, wait five minutes". Further for these five-minute two hours you listen: "Well I should answer", "Well do not fall asleep", "Still a couple of minutes". At last, at a forum there are no new subjects, letters, comments. Long-awaited pleasure …, unfortunately, not for me. For half an hour you receive orders: "more slowly", "it is not so deep", "more feasibly". After satisfaction of the wife sex gains character of "an onanism without hands" - terminated, and that thank God … Then all night long you wake up from nightmares of the endured day, and then all over again. Days off came. Slept? Yes h*y to you! 7:00 - "You absolutely okhrenet perhaps to sleep still? Get up to feed children. Let's me have a sleep". Also all morning is farther, being covered with the crown phrase "I in a week was tired, it is possible I though during week-end I will have a rest" (I, probably, on Hawaii was bulged all week), work with children, take a walk with a dog, to consider a cat's toilet, take out garbage … But there comes on a visit the mother-in-law as long I waited for her. Children, having received from it gifts, run up at once on the rooms. Animals cease to want to eat, walk at once, in a toilet, they are slaughtered on corners and silently there simply exist. Houses at once the garbage vanishes. The wife right there feels inflow of forces and, throwing a forum, the series and pizdezh by phone, jumps up to wash the dishes, to prepare a zhrachka, to clean a plate. And the mother-in-law is filled in with the melodious monotonous hysterics, lecture about life under which you forget about all the problems, about work, and sitting on a sofa with a wide pleased smile, relax and derive pleasure maximum, days off, at last, began. After all the mother-in-law - the best being!

*****

The most useful that I made at work lately - greased a door that it was not audible as I leave on an hour earlier.

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Today at work full pets, such crunch was... that meets a kerchief, is not present.

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Today the chief brought together all and called everyone from the mobile phone. Listened carefully to melodies which we established on his call. The award will not be …

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The secretary enters an office shefa:
- The Monsieur, one of your employees wants to talk to you about nadbavke.
-Tell, what me net.
-It is impossible, this is the person precisely knows, what you on meste.
-Who is he?
- It I, monsieur.

*****

Sergey Ivanych, such misfortune, died your deputy...
- Yes, is big loss both for me, and for ours kompanii.
-Sergey Ivanych, I understand, now, perhaps, not absolutely right moment, but after all, can be I can take its place? It would be remarkable
-! Try to agree with funeral bureau.

*****

How many you work here?
-C the foreman - desyat.
- And without foreman?
- Anybody.

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- How many people work here?
- with the foreman - desyat.
- Without foreman?
- Without brigadier general, no one works.

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- How many people work in your company?
- Approximately half.

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- How many the person in firm works for you?
- If with the administration, 15.
-A without the administration? Nobody works with
-A without the administration.

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Penny-wise and pound-foolish! I will go to work to the avaricious.

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The employee - nachalniku:
-If you will not add to me $100 to a salary, I will tell all that you added to me $200.

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The employee addresses to the nachalniku:
-I would like to ask you to raise to me a salary, and that whole three are already interested in me organizatsii.
- And what it for the organizations?
-ZhEK, telephone exchange and Mosenergo.

*****

The employee came to work with hour delay, all redressed. The chief asked it why it opozdal.
-I fell from the fifth etazha.
- And what, you fell the whole hour?

*****

The employee - shefu:
-I work for you part time and therefore I ask to shout at me in a low voice.

*****

- Listen, and what work you would be ready to perform if offered you a salary of 100 pieces of dollars year?
- Yes for such grandmas anything!
-A could in the center of Moscow golyaky cars wash and stage a demonstration with a banner "I am a gay!"?

*****

- You heard, Brown dismissed with sluzhby.
- The Poor creature! Than he was guilty? You Understand
-, it served in the firm trading in tea, but every time when by phone the director demanded, Brown answered that the director drinks coffee.

*****

- Heard, what our chief is translated with increase? Interestingly, who will take its place?
- Is sure that it will be very good and worthy person. I after all since the earliest childhood know myself.

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The notebook of the son watches new Russian and speaks in nedoumenii:
-I understand Nothing. After all it is written: "classwork", and costs the two!

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- Working capacity decreases? - Tablets for working capacity increase! - "Propizdin"... Ask your administration.