Jokes about Chapaev

Read funny Jokes about Chapaev

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Petka shows to Vasily Ivanovich popugaya.
-Vasily Ivanovich, a parrot, - Petka speaks stretching popugaya.
tot took a parrot, turned off to it a head and speaks:
-Scared?

*****

Petka, after dispute with Vasily Ivanovich (with irritation):
- Well and oak you, Vasyl Ivanych!!!
vasily Ivanovich (is proud):
- Yes - and- And, Petka, I am mighty, my roots are deep …

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- Petka, went fishing, - calls Chapayev.
-Vasilivanych, what fishing? Vodka net.
- And what is?
-Anasha.
-Well, - are told by Chapayev and more conveniently settles down in a chair. - Then let's fish here.

*****

Petk pribegayet:
-Vasily Ivanovich, a cart of condoms nashli.
chapayev deeply myslenno:
-It is necessary to transport them to white hares imperceptibly … That did not breed …

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Petka resorts to Vasily of Ivanovichu:
-Vasya! Fantomas was caught!!!
- How many times spoke, do not give Kotovsk brilliant green!!!

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Petka resorts to Vasyl Ivanychu and speaks:
-Vasyl Ivanych! You Furmanov just bird nazval.
-Probably orlom.
-It, dolbo@by.

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Petka resorts to Chapayev and oret:
-Vasyl Ivanych! Clinton Monica Tr@khnul! What now to do - that we will be?!
- to Envy, Petka, to envy …

*****

Petka invited Vasily Ivanovich to himself to housewarming. Explained that it is necessary to go by the 63rd bus. Sits, waits … By the night Vasily is declared to Ivanovich.
petka:
-Vasily Ivanovich why you so long went?
vasily Ivanovich:
-quickly send 62 buses, and so far for the 63rd waited, all evening passed!

*****

Petka arrived from training from Japan. Chapayev asks to show something from local troubles. Petka sat down on a stool, h@y
polozhil on a block before himself and let's beat on the tip molotkom.
-Petk, painfully after all probably?!
- Yes, pain terrible but when you miss the mark, such high!!!

*****

Petka comes to Vasily of Ivanovichu:
-Vasyl-Ivanych, you know everything, tell how the computer is arranged?
- Here, watch, Petka, - Chapayev gets three potatoes and puts them on a table, - that that is a monitor, average - mazer-bord, and the small and flat - the keyboard more. Truncated?
- is clear, Vasyl-Ivanych! Only I will not understand how it works?
- It, Petka, you nobility optional. You learn English better. If that is unclear in the computer - call manufacturers, they will explain everything to you.

*****

Petka comes to Vasily Ivanovich and speaks:
-Vasily Ivanovich, Anka to me yesterday the compliment was paid … by
-A that such?
- Well I banged it 2 times, it told that it very much professionalno.
-was visible, Petka, you somewhere not there tr@khnut it …

*****

Petka comes to Vasily Ivanovich and speaks:
-Vasily Ivanovich, Anka has a tooth bolit.
-Well, and what? So I it shot down
- that did not suffer.

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Petka comes to Chapayu, Vasily Ivanovich how you think, it mumiyo or not mumiyo shows some dark komochek:
-?
TOT smelled, on language tried, again ponyukhal:
-Know, Petka, in my opinion, it govno.
-Here and I am surprised, from where in my underpants a mummy to undertake?

*****

Petka failed examination in mathematics. Chapay it asks:
-As it was? The Teacher asks
- me: "How many there will be 5th plus 0.5"? An interior I feel liter and how mathematically to express I do not know.

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Petka read the announcement that the 3-roomed well-planned apartment on any living space changes. And they with Anka have a communal flat. Came to the address, Vasily opens Ivanovich:
-Fine, Petka, pass, smotri.
on examined the apartment, it smart! Suddenly Petka wanted in a toilet, approached to the door, pulls, and it does not open. Vasily Ivanovich speaks:
-Petka and you include light then a door itself otkroyetsya.
petka came into a toilet, made the affairs, the door slammed and does not open. It was knocked, knocked, and Vasily Ivanovich to it krichit:
-Petka, you forgot for yourself smyt.
on washed away, a door and otkrylas.
-Vasily Ivanovich, you that are such excellent apartment change? Yes you know
- after all, Petka as at us happens, is not present water, light …

*****

Petka: - I in investigation poshel.
chapayev: - Through a minefield go carefully. There wolves.

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- Petka, saddle a horse, in attack poydem.
-I cannot, Vasily Ivanych, to steppes kon.
-A- And, the hell with him, tomorrow we will go.

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Petka: Here tell me, Vasily Ivanovich … Only it is honest. Why you, the swine, my boots filched? HIV: And from what you took, Petka? It not I. Petka: Who then stole them? HIV: Yes, it is dogs your neighbour's boots pulled down. I saw everything. Petka: And why then I found them at you the house, under a bed? HIV: Here reptiles, and! Petka, you represent! They not only that stole your boots … Neet … they and my living space appropriated.

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- Petka, soon the Olympic Games how you think, will take me in the swimming national team?
- Is not present, Vasily Ivanych, here in the sex national team - will take, at you just once in four years turns out.

*****

Petka rescues the sinking Vasily Ivanovich, half from water and nachinayet
ego to pump out his
vytaskivayet, hands - in the parties, hands - vmeste.
mimo are floated by the man on lodke:
-Hear! You at it ж#пу from water pull out, and vsyu
reku to the Urals you will pump over that!

*****

Petka sleeps and he dreams a dream that it on the sky to God zakhotel.
-God take me to yourself!
- Is impossible Petka not srok.
-God well jotas somehow it is possible yet?
- Well, but paukom.
-Will be agrees!
NU lived Petk, bothered it and he speaks Bogu:
-God bothered me here, release on zemlyu.
- There is no Petka.
-Well please!
- Well, but you will go down on the pautine.
stal Petka to go down, remained 100m to the earth, a web in it konchilas.
-God release me, please, a web konchilas.
-Creep Petka polzi.
petka pulled the socks up, for 50m spustilsya.
-God is more in any way, there is nothing, I will break after all!
- Creep Petka, polzi.
petka pulled the socks up, 10m remained, here his Chapayev budit:
-Get up Petka!
- do not touch me I a spider!
- h%ya to itself spider, all blanket obosr%l!

*****

Petka spravshivat at Vasily Ivanovich: "Vasily Ivanovich, you for whom: for a national bolshnvikov, Ali for democrat International? …" - Well and how you think, what Petke the national hero Chapayev answered?

*****

Petka asks Vasily V. I. Ivanovicha:
- And what such an onanism?
- You Understand a petk - Marx - poluchilsya
marksizm here died, Lenin died - it turn out Leninism, and our Anka here will die …

*****

Petka asks Vasily Ivanovicha:
-What the Row and Gomarra?
- It were the cities such in the ancient time, - Vasily Ivanovich answers - V
sadome one sadists lived …
- Seems, - Petka guessed, - I understand who lived in Gomorrah!

*****

Petka asks Vasily Ivanovicha.
-Who on yours, the fool?
- Is the person who is expressed so that it to understand another ne
mozhet. Got that?
- Is not present …

*****

Petka asks Vasily of Ivanycha:
-That such logic, philosophy and ideology? To
-Well, here present, Petka. Go pure and dirty. Who from them goes to a bath?
- Of course, dirty!
- Is not present, Petka. At dirty ideology - to be dirty. And at pure ideology - to be pure. Here pure also goes to a bath. It is ideology. Clearly?
-A of the logician? To
-Well, present: dirty and pure. Who from them goes to a bath?
- Of course, pure!
- Is not present, Petka! Logically: why pure to go to a bath? There goes gryaznyy.
- And philosophy? To
-Well, present: dirty and pure. Who from them goes to a bath?
- Dirty! No, pure! No, dirty! I do not know, Vasily Ivanych!
- Think, Petka, think! It is also philosophy!

*****

Petka asks at Vasyl Ivanycha:
-Vasyl Ivanych, and what such democracy?
-A it, Petka when you can tell all everything that you know about me and think and anything to you for it will not be - ni
loshadi, neither saddles, nor vacation.

*****

Petka asks Chapayeva:
-Vasily Ivanovich, than HIV differs from AIDS?
-AIDS, Petka, is an illness such, is transferred sexual putem.
- And HIV?
-HIV is a microbe. It is called in honor of me, Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev

*****

Petka asks Chapayeva:
-That such reorganization?
ON speaks:
-It when at you both a cap new, and a harness, and kon.
- And what such "publicity? "
- when can be told It that you want, and nothing budet.
- And about you Vasily Ivanovich?
-I about me. And will be nothing, Petya, neither a horse, nor a harness, a cap!

*****

Petka asks Chapayeva:
- And why you have a shirt of red color?
- It for this purpose, that if I am wounded by fighters not pugalis.
- And for what to you then to a korichneva trousers?

*****

- Petka! You have a rifle - already all red from corruption!
- Is corrosion, Vasily Ivanovich!
-A! Another matter! And I thought - enemies bribed you that did not clean!

*****

- Petka, Furmanov got tired from the trip, feed ego.
-Vasily Ivanovich and it is full! With
-Well, let possyt, then you will feed!

*****

Petk with Furmanov is asked Chapayeva:
-Vasily Ivanovich! And you that it in boots go to bed? You are afraid, chto
portyanki will filch?
- Is not present, I am afraid that by the morning we will choke with them!

*****

Petka and Chapayev hide from white in a well. Come white, look in kolodets:
- There is who here?
- Is who here? - with an echo Petka.
-answers And can and there is nobody here?
-A can and there is nobody here? - reaches from kolodtsa.
- And can throw the grenade?
-A can it is not necessary?

*****

Petka and Chapayev run away from the white. Chapayev under way breaks a straw and dives into a barrel with vodoy.
belye caught Petka and спрашивают:
- Well what your last desire?
petka approaches a barrel where Chapayev hid, pulls out a straw from water and говорит:
- Yes this straw hunting to chew.

*****

Petka Chapayevu:
-Vasily Ivanovich, white brought!
- Ta-a-k, how many bottles?!

*****

Petka - Chapayevu:
-Vasyl Ivanych how you think - who will be the president of Russia?
- Of course, Putin, Petka. But will call him Ivanov …
-A, I understand, for conspiracy …
- Is not present, Petka, for the Constitution.

*****

Petka - Chapayevu:
- These doctors sometime sober happen?! Here, Vasily Ivanovich, brought the conclusion about your medical examination here, so these blockheads managed to enter your initials in the column "Diagnosis"!!!

*****

Petka with Chapayev go in places of fighting glory by the staff car. Vasily Ivanovich shows for okno:
-in that ravine, Petka, jumped I on loshadi
v a staff once to Kotovsk as suddenly from bushes shot belye
svolochi - and directly horses at a forehead! It was necessary to continue nogami.
proyekhali still a bit. Petka shows for okno:
- And in that ravine, Vasily Ivanovich, tore up I one day
rakom the nurse Nyurka as suddenly from bushes shot belye
svolochi - and directly to it at a forehead! It was necessary to continue by hands …