Jokes about Shtirlitsa

Read funny Jokes about Shtirlitsa

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- And you vernyash? - without special hope in a voice M?ller asked Shtirlitsa
odalzhivaya to volume 100 marok.
-Blya I will be!
NO M?ller and so knew that will be - Stierlitz eshchya never returned debts.

*****

- And you the good fellow, Stierlitz, - told Myuller.
-I Serve the Soviet Union! - on a habit Stierlitz answered and podumal:
"it was necessary and about the Fuhrer to tell something".

*****

Whether but not to send M?ller on h@y? - Stierlitz thought. "Though, most likely, M?ller will not go to it..."

*****

And then Stierlitz entered an office to remove kardiogrammu.
kardiogramma was not against, but demanded for it 100 brands...

*****

- And if I am seized by Gestapo? - scaredly Pleyshner asked - You know, tortures I not vynesu.
-Vot to you, on this case, the strongest poison which to me managed to be found. - Stierlitz told, getting from a luggage carrier a shoe polish box.

*****

... And you, Stierlitz, I will ask to remain!
MYULLER.
-So, Stierlitz, all is known to us of your communication with Cat and than you with ney
zanimalis. Cat told everything to us and at us is dostafor sure
dokazatelstv. What you on it will tell?
"All! It is a failure!" - Stierlitz thought. "This old fox not provedesh.
pridetsya to confess".
- Yes, M?ller, you won. I am the Soviet scout, the colonel Isaev. Ket
byla my radio operator and she reported received by me informatsiyu
sovetskomu to command... Stop
-, Stierlitz! I told that Cat told everything and est
dokazatelstva. Really you think, what talking any nonsense, to you udastsya
v this situation to evade from payment of the alimony?!

*****

And you, Stierlitz, I will ask to remain not made up.

*****

- And you, Stierlitz, I will ask to remain!
"Really failure? "
- Here, get paid for March... And here still Beria through "Vestern
union" travelers sent you for half a year. It is good to work on dvukh
rabotakh, isn't that so, buddy Stierlitz?

*****

- And you, Stierlitz, I will ask to remain! - suddenly from seven parties told Myuller.
"to Dalby Surraund" - Shtrilits thought.

*****

- And now you, Stierlitz, - M?ller told, having handed over blood on SPID.
"It is a failure", - Stierlitz thought. Instead of blue Aryan blood in a test tube the darling red foully dripped.

*****

Aysman and Stierlitz send along a corridor. To them Holtoff:
-Stierlitz was attached, remember - You occupied five brands on beer from me?
Who old will remember … - Shtirlits.
-Holtoff severely told, forget! - Aysman advised, nervously correcting a bandage.

*****

April, 1945. Defeat of Germany is obvious. Hitler goes on a reykhskantselyariya and everywhere sees the same picture: ofitsery
pyanstvuyut and do not even pay attention to the Fuhrer. But having come into one of offices, Hitler finds Stierlitz who sits at a table and works. Having seen chapter of the Third Reich, Stierlitz jumps, throws up a hand and cries out: "Heil Hitler!" In reply the Fuhrer Maksimych was tired says:
-", well though you would not pin up."

*****

Barack Obama - to the sekretaryu:
- And what does this elderly gentleman on a shop at the White House?
- Is our gardener Max, mister the President. It is quite old, but is still strong. He draws in the coloring which remained from George Busha.
-But this coloring lay at Bush in the safe!
- Probably wanted to throw out them and he took away them sebe.
-But I, passing, saw that he draws five-pointed stars and birches there!
- Oh, do not worry, the sir! The old man Max works for us long ago, and with honor underwent hundreds of testing. He cannot be an agent!
-A as its surname?
-U it some ridiculous surname.... Heyfits or Stoltz.... and, remembered. Stierlitz, sir!

*****

- Barbara, at you will not be coffee cups? - wearily asked Shtirlits.
-of Coffee is not present, but there is a tea, - joyfully zakhlopotat Barbara.
"Yes, ours already close", - Stierlitz thought.

*****

Berlin. April, 1945 goda.
shtirlits approached a reykhskantselyariya on "Mercedes Benz" .
ON left the car and included a protivougonka: recently in Berlin guerrillas plaid pranks...

*****

Berlin, spring 1945. Line for bread. There are Hitler, Himmler, M?ller, Borman. Suddenly Stierlitz runs out, all parts forcibly and Stierlitz buys baton.
myuller to him speaks:
-as it is not a shame to you, here people and are more senior than you stoyat.
- And you that do not see - Heroes of the Soviet Union are served out of turn!

*****

Bill Gates and Stierlitz observe how fascists burn down knigi.
-Censorship, - with grief Shtirlits.
-thought Fight against piracy, - Billey rejoices.

*****

Borman peacefully slept. Suddenly at a door of its apartment someone persistently knocked. Having opened a door, Borman saw the person in an overcoat, valenoks, a budenovka and with PPSh behind the back. The person said:
-Elephants go on sever.
-Elephants go on x...! And Stierlitz lives a floor above.

*****

Borman asks at Myullera:
-Gruppenfyurer and why you ceased to invite Stierlitz to our friendly wine parties?
Understand, a partaygenossa Borman, he as will drink superfluous, so starts singing "The country my native is wide"!
- Well and what, and unless you do not know, what Stierlitz - actually Russian scout Isaev?? I
Know, but not in it business. You would hear how it thus is false.

*****

Hitler's bunker under the Reichstag, in stvlovy long turn at dinner. In turn there is M?ller, Borman and even Hitler. Here Stierlitz enters parting forcibly all in turn podkholit to a window takes a lunch. sits down for stl and eats it. having been stunned look at it. "Voice-over" - They did not know yet that veterans of Great Patriotic war are served out of turn.

*****

The Elefant cafe included Stierlitz. "It is Stierlitz, now budet
draka," - one of visitors told. Stierlitz drank a coffee cup i
vyshel. "No, - the second visitor objected, is not Stierlitz" .
"Is not present, Stierlitz!" - the first cried. And here a fight began.

*****

In popykha Stierlitz left classified documents. On sleduyushchiy
den in Popykhi the Gestapo appeared suddenly.

*****

In the VII volume of collected works of Yu. Semenov of "17 moments of spring" (about Stierlitz - M. M. Isaeva) there was a typographical error. In an encryption on p. 537 the 7th line from above instead of 6354 8923 9047 it is necessary to read 6354 8923 9048. Edition apologizes.

*****

In Stierlitz's Gestapo did not love. But as loved Cat there!

*****

At a door knocked. Stierlitz opened and saw on a threshold small sobachonku.
-That to you, the foolish woman? - with severe tenderness asked Shtirlits.
- The fool. I from the Center, - answered a doggie.

*****

... At birthday home to Stierlitz all top of a Reich which considered a duty was declared to congratulate him on a holiday, and everyone gave that Stalin's portrait, kersey boots, complete works of Karl Marx in Chinese. Only one kind and intelligent M?ller presented to Stierlitz filing of the French pornography for 1917. (P. Ass, N. Begemotov, B. Leontyev. "New adventures of Stierlitz".)

*****

In pitch darkness on a back at Stierlitz ran mupashki.
"Interestingly: louses or fleas?", - Stierlitz thought.

*****

In Stierlitz's office Myullep.
-Stierlitz called! If YOU still though time cut sausage and herring on confidential documentation, I to you will not allow to steal from the safe any more!

*****

In an office of Myullera:
-Stierlitz, yesterday on the back prints of yours paltsev.
kak were found in Cat you explain it? I will explain
-, and here is how you explain how you found them there?
- Always regretted, Stierlitz that you not work for us...

*****

The Elefant cafe included Shtirlits.
-"This is Stierlitz, now there will be a fight," - one of visitors told. Stierlitz drank a coffee cup i
vyshel.
-"Is not present, - the second visitor objected, is not Stierlitz".
- "Is not present, Stierlitz!" - the first cried. And here a fight began.

*****

In the room stank. Stierlitz entered the room. Stank more nobody saw.

*****

In the room went out svet.
-Good evening, Holtoff, - Stierlitz told. Not posledovalo.
shtirlits did not know the answer that light was disconnected in all quarter.

*****

At midnight Stierlitz's house was approached by two cars with employees of CC. Two approached to the door and knocked, the others surrounded a rear entrance and windows. - Stierlitz, open! Stierlitz approached to the door and silently said: - Anybody is not present the house... - And who speaks? - Tells the Berlin radio. Berlin time of 15 hours... SS-sheep got into cars and left. Voice-over: - Here so skilled Soviet scout fooled employees of CC the second week.

*****

On Monday Stierlitz was led on execution. "Yes, week hard begins," - Stierlitz thought.

*****

In popykha Stierlitz left classified documents. Next day in Popykhi the Gestapo appeared suddenly.

*****

Last Saturday of March Stierlitz did not go to bed to translate strelki.
v the last Sunday of March Germany sorted fragments of trains.

*****

In a presentiment of pleasant evening Stierlitz sat at a rack and looked outside. Yes - and- And, Ruzha was the girl "that - is necessary"...

*****

In cellular shop the nice young man approached Stierlitz and said the agreed phrase: "I can help you something?". ETO
"Coherent", Stierlitz guessed at once.

*****

In Hitler's rate only Stierlitz worked for a rate floor.