Jokes about Shtirlitsa

Read funny Jokes about Shtirlitsa

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War came to an end. Stierlitz went across Berlin. And at this time deeply in the bunker Hitler delayed the end.

*****

The hall in Adler hotel in Germany. Long-long table. The highest ranks of CC sit at a table. Among them - Stierlitz. All eat: a fork in the left hand, a knife - in right. At Stierlitz the knife rolls on a table, a fork in the right hand: it with frenzy torments kotletu.
golos for kadrom:
-Stierlitz knew that he makes a gross blunder, but he so wanted though some moments to stay the colonel Isaev!

*****

Having threatened a bottle over Holtoff's head, Stierlitz felt irresistible desire to sleep. He fell asleep, but knew that in half an hour will wake up and Holtoffa will finish.

*****

Hitler's call of Stalinu:
-"Stalin, your people did not take from me from the safe classified documents? "
- " I Will find out ". Stalin's
zvonok of Shtirlitsu:
-"Stierlitz, you took from Hitler from the safe classified documents?" - "So precisely, companion Stalin. "
- " so put back, people worry."

*****

There is a meeting in Hitler's rate. Suddenly the person runs in, some folders with documents are enough from a table and runs away. In total shocked. At last Hitler spraschiwajet:
-Who is it?
myuller otvechayet:
-Yes is Stierlitz, the Russian shpion.
-That you do not put him?
- Yes is useless, all the same will get out!

*****

From all doctors, Stierlitz most of all loved to stomatologists since he helped it to keep the mouth shut.

*****

From a window barrel. Stierlitz approached a window. The barrel disappeared.

*****

From a window of a secret address the flowerpot fell on the head to Stierlitz. It meant that he gave birth to the son. Stierlitz very much was delighted as he was not at home 15 years.

*****

- Sorry, a gruppenfyurer, - Stierlitz told, entering an office of Myullera.
- whether at you I left the fingers yesterday?

*****

Stierlitz's dacha was approached by the car. It left M?ller accompanied by a platoon of Gestapo men. It knocked in dver.
"Who is necessary to you?" - asked because of dveri.
"to me Stierlitz is necessary," - told Myuller.
"And I am not present the house," - answered because of a door of Shtirlits.
myuller swore, got into the car and left. So Stierlitz fooled the third week Gestapo.

*****

By the end of war position of Germany was so deplorable that dazhe
v the reykhskantselyariya had to stand in a queue to buy sausages. However Stierlitz, contrary to all standards of behavior, always took without turn. Gestapo men very much were indignant with it. They did not know yet that Heroes of the Soviet Union are served out of turn.

*****

To Stierlitz lead flied. Stierlitz curtailed for a corner. Lead with grunting flew by.

*****

Approached Stierlitz from Gestapo and told that if he will not pay for electricity, to it will switch-off the transmitter.

*****

Every day Stierlitz, coming home, opened the safe, got ottuda
garmoshku, a bottle of vodka and a pile. Poured hundred grams, drank and dve
minuty played an accordion. Then all put it back and closed seyf.
one day he came home, opened the safe and anything did not find there. Shtirlits
pozvonil Myulleru:
-It you, Stierlitz?
- Yes.
- You concerning an accordion and vodka?
- Yes.
- You them any more not uvidite.
-Why?
- Not one you miss the Homeland.

*****

Somehow Stierlitz to the Gestapo man Rolf came and began to ask from it the washing wall-paper. Rolf long refused and at last gave one roll. Having received wall-paper, Stierlitz transferred conversation to the radio operator. Stierlitz made it consciously. Now, if Rolf is asked, Stierlitz why came, Rolf will tell: to talk about the radio operator. And about wall-paper will be silent.

*****

- What color at me pants? - asked Myuller.
-Red, - without reflecting, Shtirlits.
-Here you answered and got! - M?ller exclaimed, - Colour of my pants except me is known only by the Russian pianist!
- do not play the fool, M?ller, - Stierlitz quiet

*****

Kaltenbrunner calls Myulleru:
-you saw the new version of the movie about Stierlitz? It now the color!
- Black, perhaps?

*****

Sometime I will have a general giving, almost same, - Stierlitz dared to dream sometimes, looking at the house in the Berlin suburb.

*****

When Stierlitz left Gestapo and there was in Elefant cafe, Frau of Zildrikh
poradovala its new dish "Stierlitz in cold sweat.

*****

- To you a cover, - told Myuller.
-Why only one? - indignantly Stierlitz asked, - in September on ten pieces gave.

*****

- Who you so decorated it, Stierlitz? - sympathetically M?ller asked, examining a big black eye of the standartenfuehrer.

*****

- Cat, take my huge love, - asked Cat's Shtirlits.
u there was no choice, and it took.

*****

Cat approached a mirror and saw a spot on a neck. "Zasos", - she thought having remembered as yesterday Stierlitz gave it on a neck that it gave "SOS" in clear.

*****

Cat brought to Stierlitz apples. spraschiwajet:
gde you them took Stierlitz?
B to a garden attacked - Ket.
shtirlits answered looked in a window: really in a garden on drop some more apples lay.

*****

The lamp shone, but light did not give. Stierlitz extinguished a lamp and Sveta gave.

*****

May, 1945. Berlin. Krizis.
-For whom you work, Stierlitz? I do not work with
-Ya at all, M?ller!
- Well, thank God, Stierlitz! And that we was wanted also you to reduce!

*****

M?ller enters Stierlitz's office: - Stierlitz I exposed you! Your grandfather was the Jew! - And what I am waited by mister a gruppenfyurer? - How that? You will be expelled from your GRU and you will cease to harm to our Reich at last!

*****

M?ller rushed into an office while Stierlitz read an encryption from the center. But M?ller, without having paid attention to Stierlitz, grabbed from a table the newspaper and ran out from the room. "Carried by", - Shtirlits.
"thought That so would carry by you", - M?ller thought.

*****

M?ller looked out of a window and saw Shtirlitsa.
"Where it it goes?" - Myuller.
"Not your dog business thought," - Stierlitz thought.

*****

M?ller summoned Holtoffa.
-Holtoff, - M?ller told. - I need proofs against Shtirlitsa.
-But the hell as to get them? With
-of He-he, buddy, you creep to it behind and set to an ear. If he is a Russian, he surely will not sustain and will swear a mat … Holtoff chose a moment when in a corridor of management Stierlitz, Borman, Kaltenbrunner gathered, crept behind and unexpectedly knocked Stierlitz on the head. From surprise without having understood, the blow, Stierlitz with shout "Ah you, a bough from where is struck!" struck blow to Borman. "Your mother!" - Borman shouted and kicked Kaltenbrunner in a groin. "Ryazan are not given!" - Kaltenbrunner began to yell and executed the Lezgian on Holtoff's back...
- Yes you that, brothers! Okhreneli?. M?ller who left an office took an interest.

*****

M?ller summoned Shtirlitsa.
-Buddy, I would like that you answered me one question: how many will be twice two? For kadrom:
-Stierlitz knew Kopelyan's
golos, how many will be twice two, to him about it reported from the Center. Whether but he did not know M?ller guesses it?

*****

M?ller summoned Stierlitz in Kabinet
-Stierlitz, and you know, what we will be in color now?
- Is not present - without shadow of doubt Stierlitz answered. Actually he knew everything for a long time and in tikhorya polished a red star on a garrison cap.

*****

M?ller called Stierlitz and sprosil:
-Stierlitz where we could meet earlier?
- Can be in Spain in the 36th?
- Is not present, Stierlitz, ranshe.
-Can be in China in the twentieth?
- Is not present, Stierlitz, still ranshe.
-Not znayu.
-Well you, Petka!
-Vasily Ivanovich!

*****

M?ller calls Stierlitz and speaks: "Tomorrow kommunisticheskiy
subbotnik, the appearance is obligatory. "Stierlitz otwetschajet
-"Is" and, having understood that failed, sits down to a table and, without noticing an amazed look of M?ller, writes: "I, the standartenfuehrer a background Stierlitz actually am the Soviet scout." M?ller, having read this official report, Walter calls Schellenberg and speaks:
-", come, look that your people think out that not to go to a community work day."

*****

M?ller summons Stierlitz and speaks: "At last I got to the core of you!
nikakoy you not the German. German for you not native. Admit, you are a Tatar? "
shtirlits (with astonishment): "From what you took, the standartenfuehrer? What for nonsense?
If at you was played the imagination, whether it is more logical to assume that, what I am the Russian scout? "
myuller (passing to Russian): "Abdullah Ibrahimovic, we, the Russian scouts, studied German in MGIMO, and you, judging by accent - v
kazanskom teacher's college!"

*****

M?ller drove the car on the highway with a speed of 180 km/h. Nearby Stierlitz ran, pretending that carefree walks.

*****

M?ller tells Shtirlitsu:
-Stierlitz, I got to the core of you: you Jew!
- Is not present, I Russian, - Shtirlits.
v answered that day it more than ever was close to a failure.

*****

M?ller: "Even despite all these reconstruction continues to seem to me that Stierlitz from red"

*****

M?ller interrogates Shtirlitsa:
-Stierlitz, and what the hell you forced all Reich razgovarivat
po-Russian? It was simpler than
-, than to teach the radio operator Cat to shout "mummy"
PO-German!