Jokes about Shtirlitsa

Read funny Jokes about Shtirlitsa

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On November 7 Stierlitz shaved, dressed a soldier's blouse and with a red flag bypassed round the Reichstag. Vce with surprise, a someone and with suspicion looked at it, but nobody guessed that on the homeland of the colonel Isaev a revolutionary holiday.

*****

Came to a meeting with Bormanom Stierlitz in a budenovka, singing the song about Moskve.
"you though observed conspiracy", - grumbled Borman.
shtirlits agreed and put on dark glasses.

*****

On night Stierlitz Street stopped patrul.
-Allow documents, mister officer - told bald kapral.
-Yes you went nakh@y, - Stierlitz blo has no time, for it waited on attendance kvartire.
kapral opened a Russian-German phrasebook. "And, it is Stierlitz" - he said after the leaving Soviet scout.

*****

For Easter paint eggs, and for May 9 of Stierlitz...

*****

On a glade near a fire Eunuchs sat lyudi.
-, - Stierlitz thought.

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At meeting in the IV department of RSHA circulated a note from hand to hand: "Stierlitz - mudak". All laughed, after all except it nobody knew that so the Center congratulates him on assignment of a rank of the Hero of the Soviet Union.

*****

All highest ranks of a Reich gathered on meeting at Borman. Suddenly Stierlitz comes and starts photographing quietly confidential dokumenty.
-Who is it? - asks Borman.
- The Soviet scout Stierlitz, - Myuller.
-answers Why will not arrest?!
-A what for? All the same will get out!

*****

On a wall of a secret address Stierlitz saw an inscription": The appearance is failed by" .
"the Appearance is failed", - Stierlitz guessed. - "Yesterday here it was written simply: "Appearance".

*****

On a table there was a binge on five and snack for three. Today Stierlitz had supper alone.

*****

On Schellenberg's table the most interesting document lay. Its sense was to Schellenberg not absolutely ponyaty and therefore the head of SD re-read it already for the fifth time: "I order to give to Stierlitz the rank of a gruppenfyurer of CC. Supreme Commander of J.Stallin"

*****

For the morning after a booze and a grandiose fight, there is Stierlitz on koridoru.
navstrechu to it M?ller comes across, sees Stierlitz and Stierlitz changes in litse:
-! You have under an eye a lamp!
- Was lit, - Stierlitz thought.

*****

On Tsvetochnaya Street in Bern to Stierlitz two drunk men in kosovorotkas, sateen trousers and kersey boots who used foul language in Russian met and asked for it zakurit.
-Means, the appearance is not failed yet, - Stierlitz thought and pretended that understood nothing.

*****

Stierlitz was attacked by five SS-men. Two held to it hands, two - feet, one - the head. Stierlitz by miracle beat off. The miracle hurt three days and prevented to go.

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- Likely hung! - Stierlitz thought, for the 100-th time without results pressing the button kompyyutera.
-Likely Stierlitz! - BIOS, but just in case thought, peeped.

*****

Over Stierlitz's head all evening bullets whistled. So happened always when Siegfried Pul living a floor above invited to himself relatives.

*****

Over an encryption "Eustace - You a goat. Alex" week all fourth management laughed, but only Stierlitz knew that thus the center informs him that to it the rank of the Hero of the Soviet Union is given.

*****

On the eve of May 1 Stierlitz Bormana meets and invites that to drink beer at Stierlitz for gorodom.
-Yes I know this yours "to drink beer", the standartenfuehrer! Again we will be how v
novy year, to thump ten days without a break?!
- Well and what? - Shtirlits.
- And that is surprised! I should be on May 8 at work - Yours to be given!

*****

At last, having regained self-control, Stierlitz fell asleep.

*****

Despite long-term trainings, Stierlitz could not sleep in a row more than twenty minut.
nekotorye women took offense, for the rest was enough.

*****

- I cannot get used to thought in any way, Stierlitz that you are the Russian spy! - tells Bopman.
- And that such here! Lenin, for example, - German!

*****

Never before Stierlitz saw in cellars of Gestapo so much color.

*****

Once Hitler met in corridors of the Reichstag of Stierlitz and fainted. And to Stierlitz though that - looked in a mirror, corrected a budenovka and further went.

*****

Once M?ller thought up a remarkable way to learn, what all-taki
shtirlits nationalities. He decided to invite him on a visit and to observe how that will leave: if without having said goodbye, so the Englishman. If having drunk all alcohol, having killed ware and having seduced the hostess - the Russian if having found and having eaten all fat - the Ukrainian. But when Stierlitz did not leave at all, and began to live u
myullera, having gradually carried away to him the things, the gruppenfyurer at last guessed that Stierlitz - the Jew.

*****

Once at Stierlitz the tank broke, and it caused santekhnika.
prishel M?ller, disguised as special clothes, and repaired a faulty tank. Stierlitz on a habit gave him three rublya.
-Ah, here you also got, Stierlitz, - M?ller told, - the Aryan would give marku.
-Sorry, a gruppenfyurer, - Stierlitz, - I aground therefore it was necessary to borrow money at the Russian radio operator answered.

*****

Passing along a corridor, Stierlitz pushed a door of an office of Bormana. The door did not open. Stierlitz pushed more strongly. The door did not open. Then Stierlitz ran up and struck a door with a shoulder. The door not otkpyvalas.
"the Door is locked" - Stierlitz thought and was surprised the ingenuity.

*****

- Smells as a cat, - Shtirlits.
-Why thought he smells my paw? - the cat thought.

*****

Pitsunda. On a beach the people's artist of the USSR Vyacheslav Tikhonov walks. Near it girls in frank kupalnikakh.
"Whores" lie... - Tikhonov.
"Stierlitz" thought... - whores thought.

*****

Pleyshner for the ninth time jumped out of a window. Poison - did not work.

*****

Pleyshner ate up the tenth pack of "Belomor", and the ampoule with poison all in any way not popadalas.
"to be in time"... - Pleyshner thought, glancing at the struck dumb Gestapo men.

*****

By phone: Adolfik? Daragoy, the fresh joke about Stierlitz heard?!

*****

- Say, buddy Stierlitz that in the evenings after work you abuse vodka. You incidentally not Russian? Let's be more delicate than
-to each other, M?ller. I do not discuss your addiction to fat and dumplings.

*****

Having raised the head from a pool, Stierlitz saw people in gray plashchakh.
"If Germans - I tell Stierlitz if - I tell ours Isaev", - thought on.
podoshel militia patrul.
"Again Tikhonov was fitted. Well, let lies".

*****

M?ller approaches Stierlitz somehow and speaks:
-Listen, buddy, you would not like to be engaged in business?
-C pleasure, gruppenfyurer. And what you offer? Well give
-, for example, in the cellar of our Gestapo we will open night club!
- Night club? In the cellar of Gestapo?! No, people will not go!
- do not worry, Stierlitz. People are already our problem!.

*****

Late Berlin evening. Stierlitz goes to a secret address of the Russian intelligence agent Cat through Sharite.
vdrug park over his head bumps on derevu.
"Woodpecker" are distributed... - Shtirlits.
"thought you are a woodpecker!" - M?ller took offense.

*****

Late at night in Stierlitz's house phone call was distributed. Having lifted a tube, he heard a languid voice of the radio operator Cat: "Stierlitz, to you probably to one is not slept?". "Why! I can become an inveterate drunkard also one!", Stierlitz answered and poured the next glass of vodka...

*****

- I congratulate, Stierlitz: at the time of delivery your pianist shouted vse-taki
po-nemetski.
-As you guessed, what she the Russian?
- She shouted "Hitler kaput!"

*****

The colonel Maxim Maksimovich Isaev-Stierlitz came into a native Moscow toilet. To his look unitazny geysers, painty walls and smoking okurki.
-appeared And the fatherland smoke is sweet and pleasant to me, - Isayev.
-of the Pig emotionally exclaimed. The Russian pigs, - Stierlitz hissed.

*****

The assistant reads to M?ller dosye:
-Otto von Stierlitz, character - Nordic...
- Billeting, billeting!. "Nordic"... "northern", means... It, what,
poluchayetsya, Stierlitz - the moron?

*****

After war the lieutenant Klos meets the former chief - the colonel Stierlitz-Isaev - and asks on destiny of acquaintances and dpuzey:
-As there are affairs at Richard Sorge, the chief? - asks Kloss.
-Unfortunately, it was lost. It did not return from our center in Japan - there was the victim nauki.
-Radiation? Radiation? - Kloss.
-tries to guess Is not present, my friend. Usual dactyloscopy.