Jokes about Shtirlitsa

Read funny Jokes about Shtirlitsa

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For conspiracy Stierlitz gathered SMS to the wife the left hand...

*****

At 9.30 Stierlitz came into typing pool. At this time here it was always possible to profit any classified document: all typists left to look "Rich too cry".

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- Vasily Ivanovich, nevertheless it is a pity that Stierlitz was painted, and we are not present!
- Yes nafiga, Petka, to us this meykap? A joke it is more, a joke it is less...

*****

Hiring Stierlitz, M?ller sets a question on ankete:
-How old are you?
shtiplitsu was given a case pokoketnichat:
- And how many you would give me?
myullep considered itself thin ostpyakom:
-For life.

*****

Spring of the 45th. On ruins of Berlin there is Stierlitz, uveshenny awards and medals of the Soviet Union. By pass on motorcycles gestapovtsy.
"Metalworker", - "Rockers" thought gestapovtsy.
, - Stierlitz thought.

*****

During an air-raid warning when all hid in a shelter, Stierlitz secretly made the way in Schellenberg's office. Stierlitz never missed opportunities for free to call to Moscow.

*****

In the second o'clock in the morning, M?ller was woken by a long call to a door. Having opened a door, M?ller saw the person in a hare sheepskin coat, valenoks, a budenovka with a red star and with PPSh behind the back. Behind the back of the person it was dragged opened parashyut.
-Elephants go north, - with strong Ryazan accent told chelovek
-Elephants go on x...! - angrily M?ller, in broken Russian answered, - and the colonel Isaev lives in the next entrance.

*****

Having entered the office, M?ller found Stierlitz rummaging in it bumagakh.
-Generally it is my office, Stierlitz, - quietly told Myuller.
-Idle talks! - the colonel Isaev shouted.

*****

This number, - Shtirlits.
of "Sixth" thought, - Cat coquettishly looked down.

*****

For the first time in 36 years the color dream dreamed Stierlitz.

*****

In a hurry Stierlitz left classified documents. Next day in Popykhi the Gestapo appeared suddenly.

*****

Having met Gestapo men, Stierlitz snatched out a checker and zakrichal:
"I Will chop!" Gestapo men chipped in together of ruble and escaped.

*****

Having met Stierlitz, Schellenberg fainted. "Happens", - Stierlitz thought and corrected the budenovka.

*****

- You what vodka prefer? - cunning blinking the eyes, asked Myuller.
-Any, - Stierlitz with frank ulybkoy.
answered "Any" double cleaning was favourite drink of the Soviet scouts.

*****

- Why you get drunk, Stierlitz? If you so did not drink, we would make you in gruppenfyurery! - tells Bopman.
-What advantage, mister reykhslyayter? When I get drunk, I feel reykhsmarshalom! - Stierlitz answers.

*****

- What did you bring it to me, Stierlitz? - Shellenberg.
-is surprised It is permission from the main work to combining jobs, - Stierlitz muttered. Conscience of the security officer did not allow it to receive the second salary illegally.

*****

Borman causes Shtirlitsa:
-Stierlitz, tomorrow we go to potato,
-O! How at nas.
-Where it at you? Write objyasnitelnuyu.
shtirlits came to an office. Thinks that the failure and pishet:
-I is the Soviet scout, the colonel Isaev, was thrown in Germany and etc.
otnes to Borman. Borman read and speaks:
- And that will only not be thought up that on potato not to go!?

*****

M?ller Holtofa causes and speaks emu:
-Know, buddy, me disturbs Shtirlits.
-Yes recently? And I in his behavior of anything unusual not zametil.
-Yes I also do not say that that it rushes to me at night drunk,
gorlanit "Katyusha" and demands to sign capitulation there is something neobychnoye.
no me it disturbs.

*****

There is Stierlitz with M?ller from bara.
-Mozhet girls will remove?
No, let still will hang for a while.

*****

Somewhere the river is followed by sunshowers … - Stierlitz thought, inclining over the urinal.

*****

The Gestapo laid over all exits, but Stierlitz left through an entrance.

*****

Gestapo men put the car on the priest. "The poor pastor," - thought Stierlitz.

*****

Himmler calls the sotrudnika.
-Designate two-digit chislo.
-45.
-A why not 54?
- because 45!
gimmler writes the characteristic "character Nordic" and causes sleduyushchego.
-Designate two-digit chislo.
-28.
-A why not 82?
- Is possible, of course, and 82, but better 28.
gimmler writes the characteristic "character is close to Nordic" and causes sleduyushchego.
-Designate two-digit chislo.
-33.
-A why not... And, it you, Stierlitz.

*****

Hitler looks in the safe, and sees that classified documents were gone. Then Hitler calls Stalin and asks: "my documents were gone, yours worked?" Stalin answers it: "shcha we will understand!" After that Stalin calls Shtirlits:
-ty documents from Hitler took?
yes, I!
photographed?
da!
so return them into place, people after all worry!

*****

Hitler calls Stalin: "Stalin, seems to me that your people stole from my safe classified documents".
-Razberemsya.
stalin calls Stierlitz "Stierlitz, it you stole classified documents from Hitler? "
- Is so exact, the companion of Stalin.
-Immediately put back, people after all worry.

*****

Hitler accepts in the office of Mussolini. Suddenly the door is opened, Stierlitz to anybody without paying attention enters, approaches the safe, opens it the key and starts rummaging in it, throwing out unnecessary documents on pol.
-Who is it? - with astonishment the Russian scout Isaev asks duche.
-, - with indifferent tone the Fuhrer answers, - At us Stierlitz tschislitsja.
-So why you will not arrest him?
-A, all the same will get out.

*****

Hitler holds a meeting with Mussolini in the office. Suddenly the door opens, Stierlitz enters, impudently approaches the Fuhrer's safe, opens it own key and starts pottering about in it, thrusting himself into pockets important dokumenty.
-Who is it? - with astonishment asks Mussolini.
- The Soviet scout Ivanov, - with indifferent tone Hitler answers. My Stierlitz tschislitsja.
-So why you him do not put behind bars?
-A, all the same a reptile will get out.

*****

The main thing - that in soul there was a holiday!, Stierlitz thought, opened champagne and made water warmer.

*****

- Mister standartenfuehrer, and what at you in a luggage carrier? - courteous asked tamozhennik.
-As that - gold, diamonds, jewelry, - cheerfully reported razvedchik.
-all of you joke, mister Stierlitz, - the customs officer with a silly smile returne

*****

The door of an office of Borman was opened and appeared on poroge
neznakomets distinctly said, looking to Borman in glaza:
-Elephants go straight on sever.
-Elephants go to hell! - Borman flared up. - And Stierlitz's office this-
zhem is higher.

*****

Stierlitz was not reached by the radiogramm from the Center. Stierlitz read it once again, but it all the same did not reach him.

*****

Documents on a table! - Stierlitz cried and cut to M?ller in an ear. - By the way, M?ller, whether will be at you office paper clips?
golos off-screen: Stierlitz knew that the last phrase and if M?ller is asked is best of all remembered, Stierlitz why came, that will answer: "Behind office paper clips".

*****

Stierlitz's house was surrounded by a company of SS-men. Knocked in dver.
"Me there is no house" - Shtirlits.
oni answered left. Here the third month the talented scout fooled imperial security service.

*****

Naturally Schellenberg knew that Stierlitz is the Soviet scout, but he did not hurry with arrest since it grieved it to lose such bright and executive employee.

*****

Still the project of Russia TV channel was never so close to provalu.
shtirlits was arrested in the first series in attempt to pass v
reykhskantselyariyu according to the admission with the color photo.

*****

The wife left, Stierlitz thought. But I am even quirkier.

*****

Behind a beer glass M?ller asks:
-Stierlitz, tell, and what your favourite movie?
- "Volga-Volga, suddenly were nearly told by Stierlitz. But in time came round and said:
-Mercedes-Mercedes!!!

*****

Watched Stierlitz. Them was seven. M?ller and six Aysman.

*****

Turning for a corner, Stierlitz suddenly felt a strong blow to the head and fainted. Having recovered, it carefully surveyed all nearby back streets, but nothing nashel.
-It seemed … - he thought.