Jokes about school

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Uchitelnitsa:
-Children today we will talk about Africa. In Africa there is such country in which there are pyramids that it for the country?
vasechka vstayet:
-Not Ebipet's Ebipet.
uchitelnitsa:
-, and Egypt. And in Africa there is such animal, big, with short ears and lives in water, who it?
vskakivayet Vasechka:
-Ebemot.
uchitelnitsa:
-Not ebemot, and hippopotamus. And still there is such big tree at which it is some trunks, what it for a tree?
opyat is undermined Vasechka:
-Eb*bab
uchitelnitsa, already ofigevshaya:
-Not eb*bab, and babo*b... Fie ** I, baobab

*****

The teacher set the composition on a subject "That I would make, If
by received one million?" In half an hour one kid rose s
mesta and approached it, holding in hand two leaves with what - to
raschetami.
-Forgive, Fr?ken, - he told, - and whether it is impossible to add eshche
100 thousands?

*****

Uchitelnitsa:
-That such synonym?
Vovochka:
-Is the word which you upotrebyat when do not know exact writing of the main word.

*****

The teacher on uroke:
-What most useful birds for the person?
SERGEY:
-Fried Maria Ivanovna.

*****

- To study, study, study, - told Lenin.
-to be lazy, lazy, lazy, - the pupil speaks.

*****

The school makes a set on a her for exceptional children... on a her... (pause) of
HA HO-RE-O-GRA-FI-CHES-KO-E OT-DE-LE-NI-E...

*****

School. Very decent. Special. With deepened izucheniyem.
s some time the head of a class noticed that one of schoolgirls of the 7th class is met often directly at school by the smart car with serious men, it (schoolgirl) it is fashionable so began to put on, jewelry everyones, behaves provocatively, well is generally clear... When it became impossible to close eyes more, decided to collect teachers' meeting, invited the schoolgirl... Long explained her all depth of its falling, then the director of studies asks:
-Well now you understand, what it is bad?
uchenitsa otvechayet:
-If I knew that it is so good, would begin about five years ago!

*****

School. Lesson truda.
uchitel:
-Basic rule of safety measures: not to put fingers in the socket! So they there not vlazyat.
- And you carnations take
UCHENIK:
-, the moron!

*****

The schoolgirl at a lesson of arithmetics whispers to the neighbor in a school desk: - Vovochka, bad news - I, apparently, podzaletet!
- Yes you that!
Tak should do something!
-Pozdno.
ty that - small, you are not able to consider?
vdrug is distributed the teacher's voice: - Vovochka, you why do not listen?
skolko will be six six?
-Thirty six, Marya Ivanovna.
mne your cares!

*****

The school teacher says kollege:
-No, it became absolutely impossible to work. Teacher boitsya
direktora. The director - inspectors. The inspector - checking from ministerstva.
ministr - parents. Parents are afraid of children. And only children are afraid of nobody...

*****

The examiner lyubopytstvuyet:
-A why, actually, you, the young man, chose to yourself the teacher's profession? Call main prichiny.
-Iyun, July, August.

*****

- Eh, how many control it is necessary to check! Reluctance! Stepanovna - can, will help?
- Well, give, give...
- So, sit down a back. Turned away? Began! So, what we will deliver to this notebook?...

*****

- As I hate Lev Tolstoy! Wrote "war and peace"! Four volumes! It is possible to be stunned!
- You that, read?
- Xerocopied!

*****

- I so furiously fight against my congenital laziness that when, at last,
pobezhdayu, is already not present forces to go to school...

*****

- And you vernyash? - without special hope in a voice M?ller asked Shtirlitsa
odalzhivaya to volume 100 marok.
-Blya I will be!
NO M?ller and so knew that will be - Stierlitz eshchya never returned debts.

*****

- And you the good fellow, Stierlitz, - told Myuller.
-I Serve the Soviet Union! - on a habit Stierlitz answered and podumal:
"it was necessary and about the Fuhrer to tell something".

*****

Whether but not to send M?ller on h@y? - Stierlitz thought. "Though, most likely, M?ller will not go to it..."

*****

And then Stierlitz entered an office to remove kardiogrammu.
kardiogramma was not against, but demanded for it 100 brands...

*****

- And if I am seized by Gestapo? - scaredly Pleyshner asked - You know, tortures I not vynesu.
-Vot to you, on this case, the strongest poison which to me managed to be found. - Stierlitz told, getting from a luggage carrier a shoe polish box.

*****

... And you, Stierlitz, I will ask to remain!
MYULLER.
-So, Stierlitz, all is known to us of your communication with Cat and than you with ney
zanimalis. Cat told everything to us and at us is dostafor sure
dokazatelstv. What you on it will tell?
"All! It is a failure!" - Stierlitz thought. "This old fox not provedesh.
pridetsya to confess".
- Yes, M?ller, you won. I am the Soviet scout, the colonel Isaev. Ket
byla my radio operator and she reported received by me informatsiyu
sovetskomu to command... Stop
-, Stierlitz! I told that Cat told everything and est
dokazatelstva. Really you think, what talking any nonsense, to you udastsya
v this situation to evade from payment of the alimony?!

*****

And you, Stierlitz, I will ask to remain not made up.

*****

- And you, Stierlitz, I will ask to remain!
"Really failure? "
- Here, get paid for March... And here still Beria through "Vestern
union" travelers sent you for half a year. It is good to work on dvukh
rabotakh, isn't that so, buddy Stierlitz?

*****

- And you, Stierlitz, I will ask to remain! - suddenly from seven parties told Myuller.
"to Dalby Surraund" - Shtrilits thought.

*****

- And now you, Stierlitz, - M?ller told, having handed over blood on SPID.
"It is a failure", - Stierlitz thought. Instead of blue Aryan blood in a test tube the darling red foully dripped.

*****

Aysman and Stierlitz send along a corridor. To them Holtoff:
-Stierlitz was attached, remember - You occupied five brands on beer from me?
Who old will remember … - Shtirlits.
-Holtoff severely told, forget! - Aysman advised, nervously correcting a bandage.

*****

April, 1945. Defeat of Germany is obvious. Hitler goes on a reykhskantselyariya and everywhere sees the same picture: ofitsery
pyanstvuyut and do not even pay attention to the Fuhrer. But having come into one of offices, Hitler finds Stierlitz who sits at a table and works. Having seen chapter of the Third Reich, Stierlitz jumps, throws up a hand and cries out: "Heil Hitler!" In reply the Fuhrer Maksimych was tired says:
-", well though you would not pin up."

*****

Barack Obama - to the sekretaryu:
- And what does this elderly gentleman on a shop at the White House?
- Is our gardener Max, mister the President. It is quite old, but is still strong. He draws in the coloring which remained from George Busha.
-But this coloring lay at Bush in the safe!
- Probably wanted to throw out them and he took away them sebe.
-But I, passing, saw that he draws five-pointed stars and birches there!
- Oh, do not worry, the sir! The old man Max works for us long ago, and with honor underwent hundreds of testing. He cannot be an agent!
-A as its surname?
-U it some ridiculous surname.... Heyfits or Stoltz.... and, remembered. Stierlitz, sir!

*****

- Barbara, at you will not be coffee cups? - wearily asked Shtirlits.
-of Coffee is not present, but there is a tea, - joyfully zakhlopotat Barbara.
"Yes, ours already close", - Stierlitz thought.

*****

Berlin. April, 1945 goda.
shtirlits approached a reykhskantselyariya on "Mercedes Benz" .
ON left the car and included a protivougonka: recently in Berlin guerrillas plaid pranks...

*****

Berlin, spring 1945. Line for bread. There are Hitler, Himmler, M?ller, Borman. Suddenly Stierlitz runs out, all parts forcibly and Stierlitz buys baton.
myuller to him speaks:
-as it is not a shame to you, here people and are more senior than you stoyat.
- And you that do not see - Heroes of the Soviet Union are served out of turn!

*****

Bill Gates and Stierlitz observe how fascists burn down knigi.
-Censorship, - with grief Shtirlits.
-thought Fight against piracy, - Billey rejoices.

*****

Borman peacefully slept. Suddenly at a door of its apartment someone persistently knocked. Having opened a door, Borman saw the person in an overcoat, valenoks, a budenovka and with PPSh behind the back. The person said:
-Elephants go on sever.
-Elephants go on x...! And Stierlitz lives a floor above.

*****

Borman asks at Myullera:
-Gruppenfyurer and why you ceased to invite Stierlitz to our friendly wine parties?
Understand, a partaygenossa Borman, he as will drink superfluous, so starts singing "The country my native is wide"!
- Well and what, and unless you do not know, what Stierlitz - actually Russian scout Isaev?? I
Know, but not in it business. You would hear how it thus is false.

*****

Hitler's bunker under the Reichstag, in stvlovy long turn at dinner. In turn there is M?ller, Borman and even Hitler. Here Stierlitz enters parting forcibly all in turn podkholit to a window takes a lunch. sits down for stl and eats it. having been stunned look at it. "Voice-over" - They did not know yet that veterans of Great Patriotic war are served out of turn.

*****

The Elefant cafe included Stierlitz. "It is Stierlitz, now budet
draka," - one of visitors told. Stierlitz drank a coffee cup i
vyshel. "No, - the second visitor objected, is not Stierlitz" .
"Is not present, Stierlitz!" - the first cried. And here a fight began.

*****

In popykha Stierlitz left classified documents. On sleduyushchiy
den in Popykhi the Gestapo appeared suddenly.

*****

In the VII volume of collected works of Yu. Semenov of "17 moments of spring" (about Stierlitz - M. M. Isaeva) there was a typographical error. In an encryption on p. 537 the 7th line from above instead of 6354 8923 9047 it is necessary to read 6354 8923 9048. Edition apologizes.

*****

In Stierlitz's Gestapo did not love. But as loved Cat there!

*****

At a door knocked. Stierlitz opened and saw on a threshold small sobachonku.
-That to you, the foolish woman? - with severe tenderness asked Shtirlits.
- The fool. I from the Center, - answered a doggie.