Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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Included in the tram and the man says:
- give way to a man with akvariumom.
Malchik jumps:
- Sit down, boy dyadenka.
Nekotoroe time looking at the guy, and then, the courage, asks:
- Uncle, where is the aquarium?
Muzhik answers :
- Half a liter of beer zalesh, but bit his roach and will Aquarium.

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Last night mixed vodka "Putinka" beer "White Bear". Fool. Today, the whole day I can not watch TV. As soon as the screen starts flickering "tandem", just sick and head hurts ...

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Yesterday it seemed that finally plucked up the mind-mind. But judging by the morning hangover, it was still vodka with beer.

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- Yesterday was so drunk that I do not remember ... But the most offensive - remember not to drink ...

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- Yesterday, our company was a competition: Who is the greatest of all drink beer - says her husband zhene.
- see. And who took the second place?

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- Yesterday not sleep all night!
- Why?
- Vorochalsya.
- Why?
- fell into the mixer.

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Yesterday Peter drank a bottle of vodka, and Dima three. Today, however, they look exactly the same! And if you can not see the difference, why drink less?

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Yesterday we drank vodka. Then vodka over and we drank brandy, and then port, then another beer. And then ... I poisoned oatmeal cookies.

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- You did that yesterday?
- drank!
- What was yesterday?
- Money!

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- Where are you going to celebrate New Year?
- not remember !! Drunken will!

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- What do you think about our president?
-Yes, I did sober never seen !!!
- He did not seem pet.
- Yes he did not, and I!

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- You znaete, Alcohol delaet vas takoy cute and ocharovatelnoy ...
- Spasibo ... But I have not pila ...
- And I gramm trista managed to miss ...

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You know, Abrash, today I saw a queue where people stood for a drink, so they had such eyes as if they are behind the kill!

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- You are in a state of intoxication made naez per person, knocked a woman!
- Comrade Captain, and sober I would not have been able, Chesney word, yet the wife!

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- You enjoy?
- Medlenno.
- Why?
- Because vodka does not act immediately.

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- Which do you prefer, alcohol or vodka?
- I do not know ... Both are so delicious!

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- What are you drinking?
- name consists of a 2-horse zhivotnyh.
- yak.
- And how much do you drink?
- Change pets.

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- Do you drink?
- only on solemn sluchayam.
- This is when?
- When there's something to drink

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Aged twenty-four years in a barrel of sherry single malt whiskey refused to pour into a plastic cup.

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Drink two friends. One other complains:
- For her sake I gave up everything. Wife, children, favorite work, but she did not go ...
- Do not worry you so. Try again. Can go?
Nalil man again, drank:
- Oh, go!

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Drink two friends, one begins smeyatsya.
Vtoroy What happened?
Pervy Here I'm getting married to an Englishwoman, and will call her horses. and continues smeyatsya.
V. So what is so funny?
P. I put her cancer, Tr @ x @ st pats on the ass and says:
Chut slowly, Connie! Little slower.

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Husband comes home drunk at 3 am and quietly sneaks into the kitchen. At this time "cuckoo" prokukovala 3 times. To his wife thought he did not come home at 3 am, and 12 hours after he was "cuckoo" prokukoval 9 more times and went to bed. In the morning, his wife said to him:
- Recently, our "cuckoo" began to behave very strangely yesterday at 3 am she prokukovala 12 times and ... oblevala entire kitchen.

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Drank a good fellow and a beautiful maiden and they became red Well done and good girls.

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- Drink want?
- No!
- A will?
- I will!

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- Drink something?
- No thanks, not hochu.
- Maybe some tea?
- I do not drink coffee chay.
-?
- I do not drink whiskey and soda kofe.
-?
- I do not I drink soda.

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The highest stage of intoxication - sleep with a stranger in a salad.

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It turns out drunk entertainer on stage and says: Now before you vystupit
sionist 3,14dorov ... ie Pianist Sidorov. He acts without ensemble ensemble ... ...
Odin shit ... Shit like an asshole! Some time later, again enters the scene: Rak
matki. Mould in the crotch ... Ugh ... Mark Fradkin. Song of tenderness. Esche
poddal and again enters the scene: Ebovoe Poblyadische ... Do not ... Blyadovoe Poebische
Ne ... ... Ah-ah-ah-ah! Battle of the Ice!

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It turns out drunk from the restaurant. Suitable for a taxi driver and sprashivavet:
- In your trunk case of beer and a cake fit?
- Da.
Pyany fits to the trunk, opens it and shoves two fingers in her mouth.

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It turns out drunk from the restaurant:
- Switzerland, a taxi to the entrance!
- I'm not a doorman, I - Admiral!
- Well then boat to the ramp!

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Leave two drunks from the bar. One:
- How many stars in the sky!
- not the stars, and the stars, you do not know the words, not vyrazhovuvaysya ...

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Out of the two drunken cowboy saloon. On the street passing by African-American to play the saxophone. A cowboy stops and listens to music. Then turns to the other, poking his finger in the musician and exclaims: "Look, Bill, I can not understand why, as a Jew, so be sure to violin ?!"

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Released as a woman on the street. Pouring rain. Umbrella doma.
Bredet she stayed in the puddles. Suddenly, to meet her drunk, also without an umbrella. Shouts:
- Mother! Mother! What are they all under umbrellas as savages ?!

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Policeman stops the car. After checking the documents of the driver feels fume:
- Are you drunk? - Asks Driverya.
- What are you, I do not drink!
- Blow in trubochku.
Pribor to determine blood alcohol shows his nalichie.
- Pian still - menacing claims gaishnik.
- Not true, I do not drink - stands on its driver - so let my wife dunet.
Wife also tested for alcohol. Result polozhitelnyy.
Gaishnik not surprised and claims:
- You probably drank together!
- What are you talking about, if you do not believe me - the way our son poduet.
V tube blowing a boy of seven and again the device indicates the presence of alcohol in the blood. Policeman in complete shock moves away from the car. Having waited until the policeman will disappear from the horizon, the driver's wife said:
- Well, you see. I told you that fifty grams Maltsev never hurts ...

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Geologists were in the forest in the swamp. Head runs around the car, swearing, but nothing can sdelat.
- Oh, have a bulldozer cause to vytaschit.
Tut approaches him Chukchi:
- Head, and Head, let fire water, I will say that delat.
- Yes leave me alone you know that you can not see how stuck?
- Head, well, let fire water, I will say that delat.
- Tell me, tell me!
- Please let fire water, then skazhu.
- Okay, on, see Do not crush ...
Chukcha overturns a mug with alcohol and says, wiping:
- However, Head, bulldozer cause necessary ...

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The main mistake the clinic for the treatment of alcoholism Dr. Marshak - a triple chamber.

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Late at night. Zvonok.
Razyarennaya wife opens the door, holding her rolling pin. Smashed husband is trying to hug his wife:
- And you bake all, my dear, all bake ...

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Ice. Is drunk. Back pocket pulls nice bottle. Man slipped, fell, feels, behind something wet. Lies he reflects: "The only hope is that this - blood."

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- Citizen Sidorov, you plead guilty to that,
nahodyas drunk, you are logged in hudozhestvennyy
muzey and built there a fight?
- And how! Of course, I admit, a citizen judge. At what by
eto hell I would go sober something Popper?

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Loudly and angrily:
- What? Vodka? Glasses? In this heat?
Potom calm voice:
- Do not give up!