Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

12  13  14  15  16  17  18  19  20  21  22  23

Bought Luzhkov for the new taxis Mercedes. And now to the taxi driver in such машину
садится grandma and wonders:
- my Dear, what STE for Babochka the machine.
- grandmother, sight. We are now allowed any drunk to take in the sight of и
давить. They go, go. And suddenly, the road rolls out drunk man. Водитель
вроде object was driving it, looks in the mirror: the ready. Cursed with frustration, and grandma его
успокаивает:
- do Not worry, my dear, following your will. -?
- I see it in your sight misses, so I his door...

*****

Climbed in the morning on the bus in dupline drunk man. He paused, ogledala, and speaks for the whole bus:
- WSSE Baba, Cotto sssad - b###di, WSSE that SPEEDI - fools...
Hу here beside the woman come to be indignant:
- Man! I'm not b###d'!
- Pprove forward!

*****

Tortured man life, decided to hang himself. Put the chair on his stool,
снял chandelier, hook tied a loop, put the loop in the head... and saw the на
шифоньере a bottle of vodka.
- my my, a year ago, hid and forgot. Hell I would leave her!
Осторожно tears poured a hundred grams, drank, thinking:
- You will See a bottle, I would say that hanged himself drunk.
- Well, no! Need to finish drinking, the bottle is clean, then hang.
Выпил another hundred, repeated
...And what the hell I got? Life is getting better!!!

*****

Western scientists have found that the beer contains a huge amount of female hormones.
Так after three mugs problems with the running of the car.
После six you start to laugh after any of this stuff.The
А after nine can write just sitting.

*****

Journal entry:
С am shaking hands with a hangover.The
Стал to unbutton pajamas - off buttons.
Взялся for portfolio fell off the handle.
Боюсь to go to the toilet...

*****

Jumping cock on the festively laid table and saw жареного
собрата sauce of white wine.
- Now I can see, is in a trembling voice he exclaimed, " that alcohol в
самом really kills!

*****

A meeting of the restructuring of the Politburo.Will
Выступает Gorbachev: How are we going struggle with alcoholism?
Первый phase successfully completed, cheerfully reports Ligachev, snacks eliminated!

*****

A feast. The big man did not drink alcohol. He is asked:
- Why not drink?
- Little drink - I will not be fun. I drink a lot - You will be sad.

*****

Falls asleep drunk in the gutter. And the next morning wakes up in the шикарных
аппартаментах. Servants of him on the table bring Breakfast. Drunk krenel. Suddenly the видит
- on the table note. Unfolds it and reads "Gone from you forever.
Прощай, your... ROOF"

*****

Comes once drunk to drunk early in the morning, and sees his friend's very sad, almost with tears in his eyes.
- Vasya, what happened?
- Present, Peter, Wake up in the morning, and sits on the windowsill cat, and the harmonica playing.
- Hey, Bob, this is a "squirrel".
- Yes you che, I think the cat from squirrels can't distinguish!?

*****

Walks into a bar man. I looked around, approaches the bartender, pointing at the dead-drunk visitor orders:
- Me the same thing twice.

*****

WALKS INTO a BAR...
...Scot and, turning to the bartender, says:
- a Glass of whiskey.
- You at what price, asks the bartender for five pence or ten?
- And what does it depend on? asked the Scotsman.
- Ten pence if You sit at a table and, therefore, will take place, and five if You drink while standing.
- And if I drink while standing on one leg?

*****

Goes to the doctor on reception in dupel drunk sick.The
Доктор, turned around and without looking at the patient:
- Oh... another drinker.
Больной:
- Offend, doctor. Professional.

*****

Comes milkmaid in the barn, drunk dimino, reeling. Cow nedina reproachful face dangle:
- drunk Again?! !The
Доярка, stretching his lips into a silly smile:
- M-m-u-u-u...
Корова:
- Well. Stay for the Boobs, she will jump.

*****

Comes a man in a tavern and asks five glasses of vodka. The waiter brings. The man quickly all drinks. Asks four shot glasses bring. Again drinks. Then three orders. Again drinks. Once ordered two glasses, man thoughtfully bows his head and says:
- that's a paradox! The less you drink, the more you get drunk.

*****

Comes a man in a pub and sees that the three in the corner caught four: two hold, and the third e%em in the ass. The man approaches the bartender and says:
- Listen, what have you got here?
- And this Solodov is responsible for quality.

*****

Comes a man in a restaurant, calls the waiter:
- I'm a hundred grams, you hundred grams and musicians hundred grams!The
Официант takes. And so a few times. It's time to pay. Coming to the man:
- With you...
- But I have no money...
Получает man in full, then throw it on the street.
На next day comes again, calls the waiter:
- I one hundred grams and musicians hundred grams. And pour you a drunken fight!

*****

Sets the visitor to the bar. Bartender:
- Sorry, we only opened an hour later.
- Nothing, I'll wait.
- May until something to drink, not to be bored?

*****

comes tipsy Muscovite (M) in the Moscow metro (MMP), tries всунуть
чирик into the slot on the turnstile. essno... does not work. duty (E): - male,
пьяным in MMP entrance is strictly prohibited! M: "well let me at MMP! D: (stricter) -
вы drunk, so not able to understand the rules hanging on the wall, and in них
твердо said "DRUNK IN the SUBWAY ENTRANCE OSPEXIN! "M:" well let me в
ММП! is compassionate brother (B): - a woman! well people want to get into MLM, ну
пропустите it under my responsibility! D: MAN! well he's drunk, but you-
трезвы - read the Rules! M sees that the boy is very compassionate to him: M:
-friend, but it is true that in the subway people visible-invisible? B: is the truth! M: - And что
электрички run to and fro? B: is the truth! M: "what's this all stations from голимаво
гранита and pedestals are both living, and in some places even with pistols? B: is the truth! the а
ты that, not local, stranger? M: "well hurt! local I, a native M! B: so и
что, never in the subway was not?! M: "well not puskaut!

*****

Comes a drunk man in an expensive store plumbing, suitable to the most expensive toilet, removes his pants, sits down and begins to spoil. To him runs seller:
- Citizen! What are you doing?! It is impossible!...
Пьяный hardly focus on the seller:
- what... IR!... Not working?

*****

Comes in a drunk man on the bus. Barely stays on his feet, constantly hiccups. Young woman standing near, began to shame him:
- Man, you are drunk!
- Nuuu AI what?
- You dirty and barely stay on his feet!
- Nuuu AI what?The
Женщина, obidevshis turned away. The man thinks like a woman taunting, and says:
- And your legs curves!
- so what?
- And tomorrow I'll be sober!!!!

*****

Enters the tram man, sits in a chair, takes out from his pocket, opened a bottle of vodka and a glass. Poured a full glass, thinks...
На stop comes into the tram controller and said:
- citizens, prepare for travel.The
Мужик (waking up):
... just for driving...

*****

Wanted drunk to pee, but instead fly reached into his pocket and pulled out a оттуда
селедку. Stared into her eyes, then says:
- Well, will write or eyes to build?

*****

Statement. Please accept me at work. Signature: a Glass of vodka.

*****

Calling a man with a deep hangover is his buddy:
- John, yesterday we drank beer?
- Drinking.
- And they drank it?
- Drinking.
- cognac?
- Drinking.
- And rocket fuel drink?
- Drinking.
- While you're in the toilet still did not go?
- No!?
- John, don't go, I'm from Tokyo call!

*****

Calling a man with a hangover is his buddy: -Vasya, yesterday we drank beer? -Drinking. And they drank?
-Drinking.

*****

In vytrezvitel.
-Tell a call, to you Ivanov was not brought?
-Is not present, for the present not privozili.
- And will not bring, I thump houses today, understood, locks of hair?

*****

In dver:
-Doktora-pokhmetologa caused a call?
-Yes.
-On what complain?
-Yes here, the doctor, tortured hard drinkings...
-I is frequent they at you?
-Yes time four in god.
- And long?
-Yes month on three...

*****

Call to a door... The woman opens a door, her husband comes and, reeling, you approach to ney.
Wife:
-Ah, cattle, again got drunk when was only in time?!.
husband , without a word, sits down on a chair and You stretch ruku.
Wife:
-, chtozh want to reconcile, a creature?.
husband :
-Help to twist a fig.

*****

Call to a door, the man (M) with a hangover opens, and there is a gopher (C).
M: - You who?!?
C: - As you zadolbat, drunks fucking! Squirrels are not enough for all, so to them in the help we are strained...

*****

Call to a door. The woman opens. On a threshold absolutely drunk muzhik:
- The Balsa caused?
-Yes, at us in kitchen a window leaf broke. Prokhodite.
through five minutes one more call, at a door. The woman opens - her faces just the same drunk muzhik:
- The Carpenter caused?
-Yes, but already works for us odin.
-I Fell, a pancake...

*****

Call to a door. Approaches upykhanny nark:
-Who there?
-Ya! You drive
-! It I - I!

*****

Call to the paging company. The man drunk in dugarya:
- The Darling, accept a saabshchshcheniya. Vasek, I am a ddoma, come. Podpisdim, iik... You know
operator:
-, the man, abusive words we not peredayem.
muzhik:
-Yes are not present, the darling, you did not understand. At the end of the message the signature - Dima.

*****

The call from a police station in Russian posolstvo:
- There not your person sleeps on a bench near your fencing?
-A it sober?
-Is not present. Nearby costs butylka.
-Drunk up?
-Nedopitaya.
-Not, not ours.

*****

Call to ambulance!!!
-Is scarlet it fast?:
-DA:
-Urgently leave, at us one man swallowed a corkscrew!!!
- The Call is accepted, vyezzhayem:.
prokhodit some time, is again ringing in fast pomoshch
-it Is scarlet fast?:
-DA:
-Can not leave, we already a fork opened...

*****

Call on telephone exchange. Drunk golos:
-Allyo, is the switchboard?
-Yes.
-Connect me with zhenoy.
-What number?
-Ya to you that, the sultan to number wives?

*****

Call on telefonu:
-Vasya, you drank today?
-Is not present!
-you Will get drunk - come.

*****

Call by a telefonu.
-Zdravstvuyta, yours came mashina.
-Kakaya the car???
-TOYOTA Land of Cruser/
-Kakaya kruuuzer???
-Kak it, you brought 90% of an advance payment???
zaryvaya a tube rukoy.
-Kolyan, we did not spend on drink money, we the car it appears bought.

*****

- Hi, neigbour! At you incidentally alcohol will not be in the house? The elbow hurt, a compress it is necessary postavit.
-From where at me to alcohol to undertake?
-A can a vodka bottle was overlooked somewhere? They say that the vodka compress too