Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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Georgians in the restaurant orders:
- Slyushay, huh? Adyn shashlik, adyn asetryna, huh? Adyn glass fish, huh?
Prinyav order, the waitress brought a jellied sturgeon and a glass konyaka.
Gruzin indignant:
- Slyushay, huh ?! Nat Kanyako ... Glass fish panemaesh, huh?
Ofitsiantka took brandy and brought a glass vodki.
- Ai, wai, wah! Zachem vodka? Panemaesh, fish, huh?!
Ofitsiantka took the vodka and brought the head waiter, with steep bulging biceps small. He scowled and asked accusingly:
- What, katso, naughty? Where did you see the fish in a glass? Need to drink less ...
- Ai Wai Islands, huh? Beer is - Lay the glass, right? Vodka is - Slay again, huh? Who got?
- turned Ruff - realized metrdotel.
- Wah, wah! Ruff - fish, right? Lei stakats fish!

*****

Pushkin walks with two female fans in the park. Go, go to the mall and suddenly odna
speaks:
- Alexander, that you have so much to invent works, well sochinite
chto anything for us!
Ugovarivali him, persuaded, he finally soglasilsya.
Posmotrel around, suddenly sees: a huge puddle, and in it a -That wino valyaetsya.
Poglyadel poet at this picture, and came up with the line:
- On our life puti
Lezhit lifeless body ...
A from puddles suddenly hear:
- and those asshole, cares? !!!
Ty came with b. ... s, so go !!!
Pushkin:
-Oh, let's go, ladies, is Lermontov!

*****

- Let's not turn the holiday into a normal day!

*****

Even if spipt zamepznet,
Vse pavno did not bposhu.
Budu gpyzt his zubami
Potomu that hoposho OH.

*****

Dane, relax in the summer in a remote village, homemade schnapps treated. After drinking a glass, he turned pale, turned green and, panting, he asked:
- How many degrees in this potion?
- About degrees, - said the host, - I do not know. But one bottle lasts for twelve fights and one murder ...

*****

Two drunk Bazaar:
- Yesterday, an infection, so his hands were shaking while drinking beer, two front teeth knocked out ...
- Et nonsense, here yesterday morning I went to pee, so long as essence of the case - 3 times cumshot .. .

*****

Two drunk talk:
- Bob, and that your mouth stinks?
- What should I do if my soul shit!

*****

Two drunk beseduyut.
- Hey, buddy! What taakoy alk alk ... .. alkogoleanalibutr?
- Well ETA is such a thing ... there ???, breathe and she Ghawar how much you drunk ....
- Hhha! Count! And I'm on such a thing for 10 years married ....

*****

Two alcoholics want to drink:
- Vas, go into my bedroom, there for shtopkoy worth polpyzypya vodki.
Vasya after vozvpascheniya:
- sing, I do not gossip, of course, but in moemy your wife with some manom
tam sleeps !
- Shhh! This vodka that man!

*****

Two drunk coming home. One that is still trying to keep on his feet, asked what was already crawling:
- Do you respect me?
Tot barely lifting his head from the ground:
- I'm proud of you!

*****

Two drunk:
-Let's drink dry wine!
-Okay ... pour!

*****

Two drunk say:
- Yesterday, an infection, so his hands were shaking while drinking beer, two front zuba
vybil ...
- Et nonsense, here yesterday morning I went to pee, so long as essence of the case - 3 raza
konchil ...

*****

Two drunk enter the perfume shop and say the seller:
- us two triple cologne and eau de cologne "Lilac" ;
Prodavets:
- Come on, take a better three troynyh;
Alkashi:
- Yes, no, well, that you will be with us ladies.

*****

Two drunk, Larry and Joe, wake up in the morning with boduna.
Zhrat hunting, chump bursting, and one lying around in the fridge sausage and money nol.
Larri takes sausage and says:
- I have an idea! Went to bar.
Prihodyat they ordered food and drink, to improve health. Larry gets a sausage, unzips his pants, puts it in his pants and says:
- Joe on his knees and suck!
- What do you mean, Ox ... ???!
- Suck, I told you!
Delat nothing, Joe knees and stood soset.
Barmen seeing such yelled, "Hey, you, e ... homosexual, Dare went to x ...!"
Smotalis they are in a hurry, Larry: "Well, let's go to another bar? ! " After the seventh eatery Joe says:
- Fffuuu, get drunk, get drunk, can be enough? And I'm tired and my knees bolyat.
- Okay, tied, even more so - after the third bar I lost sausage.

*****

Two drunk, man and woman, looking for a third. A woman comes to a passerby:
-'ll be third? He looked at her:
- I and the first will not.

*****

Two drunk - a man and woman looking tretego.
Zhenschina suited to the passerby:
-third will be?
On looks at her:
-I and the first will not.

*****

Two drunk in the perfume department:
- Why this cologne label wrinkled?
- And you do not care?
- That you do not care, and we put on the table.

*****

Two drunk talking:
- Look, Ivan did not drink, did not smoke, and in a coffin as a living lie.

*****

Two drunk suited to the kiosk:
- Two cup three times a day, pzhlsta!
- We only disposable ...
- Well, you see - just forgotten how young people drink !!!

*****

Two drunk hit the aquarium. There are, consider fish. Suitable k
odnomu aquarium and read: "sawfish". Look at each other:
- more drink will not! ..

*****

Two drunk drinking methyl alcohol:
- Come to the second, and then begins to grow dark ...

*****

Two were drinking alcoholic bottle of vodka. One of them, threw back his head high and making a last sip, thinks and refers to his friend:
- Kohl, do you think the cost of a rocket with three warheads?
- Million pyatnadtsat.
- Well, right now denzhischi us matted!

*****

Two other notable after drinking, morning. First, holding his head:
- What was yesterday? Nifiga not pomnyu.
Vtoroy:
- Happy!

*****

Two hard drunk friend sitting in bare.
- You do not know what time it is?
- Znayu.
- Thank you.

*****

Two men:
-Vodka want?
-Nea ...
-A will?
-Aha!

*****

Two men returned to his village, drunk. Noch.
- Look, Bob, in your house through a window thief lezet.
- Let climbs ... My wife thinks it's me - so in the face nada, forget that, for les than ...

*****

Two men sat in the pub. One asks:
- And what do you say to my wife, when you get back?
- And I have a short conversation with her! I'll just say "Good evening" and the rest say it.

*****

Two men walk into pivnuhu, bought pivo.
- Yes, me, please, in a clean mug! - Adds odin.
Ofitsiant returns with two mugs:
- Sorry, I forgot - who asked you to clean?

*****

Two men looking for a third, so that means for the three figure. Found, chipped, and the man drank about to leave. And the two of them to him:
- Wait, freeloader! And talk ?!

*****

Two men in the store for a long time looking out for something in alcoholic beverage department. Then one of them asked the saleswoman:
- Do you have a non-alcoholic beer?
- Net.
- Then give two vodka.

*****

Two men after a good night partying postural decided to cut their way home and went through the cemetery. After all, they could spoil the mood?!
Gde something in the middle of the cemetery, just on their way among the graves they heard a noise that came from the pitch darkness: tuk-tuk-tuk, tuk-tuk-tuk-tuk ... Hop as a hand magic, trembling legs they went on their way, and suddenly saw an old man who cultivated a hammer and chisel to stone mogile.
Odin of the men when he could finally breathe a sigh of relief, asks:
- old man! You scared us to death, we really thought that the spirit you some!
No why you work here alone at night in such darkness?
- These idiots! - The old man muttered in response, - misspelled my name!

*****

Two men went to the park and drunk as a lord. The next day there, one of them bruised, battered, limping. One that is not dented, asks:
- Listen, what's wrong with you?
- know, yesterday we just went, I had to move ten meters, I car bumper on his knees - the balls! I get up, then, and here I am in the back of a horse's hoof! I, naturally, fall, get up again, and then - the plane! And the wing on the neck! I almost ne
otkinul skates! Raise my head - and then a rocket! And right between my eyes!
- Yes persecute you!
- Do not believe me? Ask the director of the carousel!

*****

Two men drink, drink. Vodka is over. Money too. The landlord speaks:
- Nothing new I typed. Vaughn see on the table sohnut.
The next day cause host KGB.
- What do you print money?
- And I'm not typing this I'm in a puddle on the drunk fell, and the money laid sushitsya.
- And why said what to print?
- to know whom to drink!

*****

Two men in the Garden of Eden came to drink nectar. Na
travu sat down, suddenly falls near another. Sitting looking around. They shout to him:
- Hey you, you'll be third?
- will!
Razlili, there is a new man was gone. Obmatyugali it among themselves i
tolko gathered to drink like a man again fell somewhere. They told him: You, Mother peremat, what is there to fuss?!

*****

Two men decided vypit.Ischut tretego.Podhodyat an unknown peasant and say:
-Will you drink with us?
-A snack there?
-Kuryatina.
Muzhik soglasilsya.Razlili, vypili.
-Where is the chicken?
-Well on, lit ...

*****

Two men stand in a pub:
- You like, not yet married?
- Oh no ... how many years go to our pub and decent woman and have not met ...

*****

Two drug addict sitting smoking, music razgovarivayut.
Pervy: "Deep Purple ...".
Vtoroy: "Oh, Deep Purple, yes ...".
Pervy: "Depeche Mode ...".
Vtoroy: "O Oh, Depeche Mode, yes ... ".
Pervy, looks second to cigarette:" Ashes Shoot down. ".
Vtoroy:" Oh, Pepels Bay, yes ... ".

*****

Two addict argue:
- I am the messenger of God!
- No, I am a messenger of God!
- Well, well. Let's ask someone!
Podhodyat to the third:
- Bro, in kind, tell me - who of us is the Messenger of God?
- I, boys, anyone will not send ...

*****

Two drunken guy in a minibus:
Pervy (loudly and energetically):
- ... And why so bad? Because the people, as they say, is silent! All are silent! Look - all around are silent! (Encircles the interior minibus hand). ALL !!!
Vtoroy: (softly, confidentially):
- not silent, rather than n @ zdyat. The difference - essential ....