Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12  13  14  15

In store:
- And what do you get a light, gentle, vozushnoe?
- This souffle!
- Oh, souffl?, souffle ... a bottle of vodka, please

*****

In the store the guy asked:
- man! Vodka warm or cold?
- nice.

*****

The store buyer contact the seller:
- Sorry, your store can be exchanged more evil for less?
- I do not understand. It is like?
- usual. I would like to exchange money for vodka.

*****

The police man, who stole a car, ask:
- When you notice that you stole the car?
- Last night I leave the restaurant, I open the door, sit behind the wheel, I want to move, and no car.

*****

In one office work guys. And they invented alcohol, which does not smell. A corresponding action still has. Well, and they began it every day at work to consume (and the head was severe, drinking on the job is not permitted). Hachalnik first surprised, and then somehow proznal and causes the guys on the carpet. Says: "Guys, today I officially give you permission to drink vodka at work, because I want our customers to communicate with drunken specialists, not the sober idiot."

*****

In one company all constantly booze. In this case the firm went well and had a lot of customers, the work went on, growing profits. Director himself liked to drink and generally was, so to speak, in the forefront. But once the director began to stiffen the eternal drunkenness, he collected will in a fist and issued an order - not thump. And who will be seen, in order to penalize and punish up to and including dismissal. All strongly supported the Director, really - how much longer you can drink! A week passed. Everyone began to get nervous, the situation became tense in the team. Cases firms began to go bad, they all go evil, he is also the director already at the limit. And then he goes home and asks his driver to run to the store and buy it chekushku vodka. Director comes home, locks the door, climbs into bed, drinks and sleeps as chekushku mladenets.
Utrom driver calls in for the boss, asked:
- How is Ivan Ivanovich?
Direktor wonders:
- Yes nichego.
Priezzhayut in office, smiling secretary:
- How is Ivan Ivanovich?
Direktor feels - that something was wrong answers:
- Thank horosho.
Idet in his office, on the road all smiles, asking how he zdorove.
Direktor locked in the office, is his deputy and asked:
- Mikhailovich, what happened? What is this all about my health interests? Of course, I asked the driver to yesterday chekushku buy vodka, so I locked the house and under the covers of her vypil.
- Aha! YOU YESTERDAY WITH THIS ALL blanket Kabak TOWN bypassed!

*****

In one farm left in the bout carpenter. Booze few days, the money ran out, the stocks of alcohol too. And he knew that in the kolkhoz, in the closet, it is worth a jar of alcohol. (Do not know if the chairman for something zanykal) .
Nu night he climbed into the building of government found cupboard, opened a treasured jar of alcohol. And then decided that alcohol drinking without meals once a bastard. Fumbled on offices, found in one of the refrigerators three-liter jar of sour cream. And, seizing sour cream, drank a liter in the morning spirta.
A chairman handed it to the police, where a criminal case brought by inflicting matheral damage fucking farm. The bank was not sour cream and Dutch elite bull sperm.

*****

At the police station bell rings:
- Tell me, when you open liquor stores on the street by Leo Tolstoy?
Dezhurny policeman responds:
- In eight chasov.
- Thank vas.
through hour bell rings again. The same voice asks:
- Tell me when open liquor stores on the street L'That lion-thick?
Dezhurny answers:
- In eight chasov.
- Spasibo.
through two o'clock rings again telefon.
Pyany voice asks:
- C-tell-a-INDICATES when opening a wine-in-vodoch-ny-magician-zine on the street, face L'That lion-thick?
Militsioner responds irritably:
- At eight o'clock, the citizen. But you will not let go! You are already drunk!
Golos in the tube meets:
- God bestow grace-in-you! M-I-would get out of it!

*****

In turn there is intelligent woman, her healthy buhoy redneck with unbuttoned his pants to show shirinkoy.
Zhenschina:
- man you shop otkryt.
Buhar (proudly):
- Yeah, and director at the entrance stoit.
Zhenschina with a grin:
- No, there is a drunken porter sleeping bags on the ...

*****

In Paris cafe visitor, one after another overthrows glasses with vodka. His neighbor says:
- Did you know that every third Frenchman suffered liver disease due to alcohol abuse?
- I do not care, I - Russian.

*****

In the perfume shop "mauled" muzhichek refers to the saleswoman:
- two triple and cloves!
- Why do we cloves? - Surprised sobutylnik.
- You forgotten, the lady will be with us!

*****

In the beer few vitamins - that's why it is necessary to drink so much.

*****

At the ceremony, all beer must be cultural: and topping up after settling i
otliv after finishing his.

*****

In St. Petersburg, the competition of photographs on the theme of "Gulf" won the photograph, which shows the Finn standing on Nevsky Prospekt and drinking vodka from the bottle.

*****

On the train ride wino (A) and guttural boy - seven years so ... (A) - The Boy tebya
kak name? (M) - Liquor. (A) - In b $ I, and I was drunk ... And where are you from eshed? (M) -
Iz camp ... (A) - In b $ I, and I'm from the camp ... And where you go? (M) - To his babe
(grandmother). (A) - In b $ I and I to a woman ... but only to someone else ...

*****

In the semi-arid bar sits a couple drinks and expensive wine. Zaxodit drunk, takes the beer and loud and relish emits gazy.
husband :
- Hemedlenno apologize for that mess stifling system to my wife!
Alkash:
- Ax, sir, I'm sorry, I did not know that now her turn.

*****

In the station restaurant man with glazed eyes stared into the empty decanter. The waiter helpfully asks:
- Well, even pollitrovochku?
- not have time: I train two hundred.

*****

In point for glass Zakho homeless:
- You accept bottles of Scotch whiskey?
Pauza.
- No, sir.

*****

In a drunken state difficult to pronounce:
1. Innovatsionnyy.
2. Konsultatsionnyy.
3. Annigilyatsiya.
4. Transatlanticheskiy.
OChEN difficult to pronounce:
1. Kalkulyatsionnyy.
2. Plohoskoordinirovannyy.
3. Ekzistentsialnyy.
4. Udovletvoritelnyy.
I absolutely impossible to say:
1. Spasibo but seksa from nas to you today will not ...
2. No, I do not want whiskey!
3. Sorry, but you - not my tip.
4. MakDak? No, spasibo, I do not want est.
5. Zachem I'll call him in large screen of an hour of the night?
6. Oh, I can not! Hardly anyone wants uslyshat, HOW I sing - I w bear nA ear nastupil!
7. I'm not with you sobirayus dratsya.
8. Spasibo, but I did not even want pytatsya tantsevat - I narushena koordinatsiya. Do not want to look like a chode!
9. Where blizhayshy tualet? I do not sobirayus ssat nA parkovke.

*****

In the midst of the struggle with alcohol Gorbachev arrives at the plant:
Podhodit one turner:
- But you could also work if drunk, say, a bottle of vodka:
- Could:
- Well, two:
- Smog to:
- Hmm ..:
Nu, and if three:
- What are you attached to me:
Vidite - work the same!

*****

In the restaurant the customer comes and says to the waiter (constantly smacking, licking her fingers and
appetitno dropping saliva):
- me, please, chicken!
- You're welcome.
- Only you know how much I love: I pour the sauce it well!
- As you wish, sauce polem.
- And yet, take the garlic and garlic nashpiguyte!
- with garlic obyazatelno.
- Do not forget to grate the carrot and carrot impose!
- Well, that carrot ... sdelaem.
- Yes, take petrushechki and under her wings petrushechki!
- this moment, petrushechka imeetsya.
- green onion, green onion and take in her mouth paste!
- Why not, green onion paste obyazatelno.
- I would like to sour cream, you her ass Pour sour cream!
- pour, pour ... At the next table a man sleeps smashed in the head and yells moment
podnimaet:
- WAITER! ALL TO HELL sour cream! I cry!

*****

In the restaurant comes to young people, and orders the waiter a bottle of vodka, then calls up and asks him to change the bottle of vodka on a bottle of brandy, cognac drinks, and goes to vyhodu.
Ofitsiant:
- Young man, you do not pay for the brandy!
- So I Well you for her bottle of vodka otdal.
- So you do not for vodka platili.
- So I'll drink it and not!

*****

In the restaurant comes, man, orders ten shots of vodka, puts them in a row, drinks from the second to ninth, and is about to leave. Bewildered waiter asks:
- And these two why not drink?
- see, - answered the peasant, the first I've always goes, and the latter have always wanted.

*****

Restaurant:
- Waiter! A glass of vodka to me! The waiter brings a bottle of vodka - but I asked you a glass!
- Yes, but we drink from the bottle.

*****

The restaurant tipsy client reads the menu and orders the waiter:
- Please invalida.
- What this disabled? - Asks ofitsiant.
- Well, here it is written - Tatars with one egg.

*****

In Russia, all illnesses are treated with vodka from some diseases need to drink it from others - do not drink, and some - triturated.

*****

In Russia, declared an official holiday Day of sobriety. People are in shock as something to celebrate?

*****

In Russia, the most extreme month - January! New Year, Christmas, Old New Year ...
- And why do we need the Old New Year?
- This is a control - to the liver!

*****

In Wineries guy comes and asks the saleswoman:
-Twice hundred grams!
Ta poured him a cup two stogramovyh vodki.
Muzhik took a cup and poured the entire contents into the second. All pomestilos.
Prodavschitsa:
-Oh, you is not the case of a circus magician?
-No, I'm from the Trade Inspection!

*****

In a drunken cowboy saloon grabbed another by the collar and asked severely:
- John, you sleep with my wife?
- No! What are you, how could you think?
- Brezguesh, bitch ?!

*****

On the plane, one passenger every five minutes asking a flight attendant to bring him a glass of water. In the end, she got sick, and she asks:
- Tell me why you drink so much?
- I am flying with large boduna.
- What you have in big hangover, drought?

*****

Due to the rise in price of vodka, a new kind of drunkenness: vodka drip into your eyes, until okoseesh!

*****

At the country club acts lecturer about the dangers pyanstva.
V end of the lecture, he said:
- Imagine that we have set for brute bucket of water and a bucket of vodka. Do you think she will choose a bucket?
- bucket with water - a voice of zala.
- right! - Glad such contact with the audience lecturer - Why?
- Yes, because it is - a beast!

*****

In the sausage man buhoy nazvanivaet the sppavochnuyu:
- Al-l-l-lo, this C-C sppavochnaya?
- Yes, it sppavochnaya .
- Give AMP-rail train aluysta address of Panteleimon Ivan Kuzmich!
- hoposho and what is your name?
- Panteleimonov Ivan Kuzmich!

*****

In stapodavnie Quaternary, after the appearance of vodka in a pot on the 0.8l strangely emerged PROBLEMS - how did it on tpoih something to drink?
Matematiki p.pedlozhit solution: Pour 100g and reduce the problem to the classical one.

*****

In blind drunk man clings to signpost "toilet" .
Opravilsya by post, and walks around holding his hands:
- Here are bastards, when a wall up in time?

*****

In sude.
Advokat:
- I want to make an official announcement! I want beer!
Prokuror:
- Objection! I want vodka !!!
Sudya, after a moment's thought:
- appeal is rejected! I want a beer.

*****

In the tram comes very drunk man and sits down next to zhenschinoy.
Tramvay strongly shakes the man does not stand up and throws right on the contents of his zheludka.
Ta woman shouts - Fu pig!
- Look at yourself!

*****

In prison, two prisoners talk:
- And what brings you here? Craving for alcohol?
- course not. After all, is still at large, I knew that there is no bar.