Jokes about women

Read funny Jokes about blondes

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Two blondes sit at a little table in cafe. One speaks:
-Some strange today kofe.
-Silly woman, same chay.
ofitsiant:
-Girls, still cocoa?

*****

Three pregnant women not an appointment sit: blonde, brunette and brown-haired woman. The brown-haired woman speaks: - When I make love, I always am below. Means, I will have a girl.
bryunetka speaks:
- When I make love, I always am above. Means, I will have a boy.
blondinka thought, thought and began to cry:
-My God, I will have a rachata!

*****

- How many blondes are necessary to screw in a bulb?
-One. It holds a bulb, and the world rotates round it.

*****

The car broke at the man. Includes an emergency signal, opens a cowl, and something does. Suddenly behind someone starts bibikat persistently. He approaches, and sees the blonde drives, and presses on klakson.
-That you stand and bibikat? Go round! From where I know
-A where you will go?
-???
-U you and to the right the blinker works, and on the left!

*****

The blonde and the brunette watch the movie, the brunette speaks:
-Let's argue for 100 rubles that Petya will be dumped from the bridge!
-Ya I think that is not present!
sbrosilsya Petya from the bridge, the blonde gets money, bryunetka:
-it is not necessary, I already watched this movie!
-Ya too, but I did not think that it will once again be dumped!

*****

The employee of bank asks blonde:
- The Credit is issued on you?
-Is not present... on the refrigerator!

*****

One blonde at drugoy:
-Well how passed entrance examination in mathematics asks?
-Yes, handed over!
-A when there are results?
-In 9 months.

*****

Right after recent display of a TV series "Master and Margarita" in the book market exposed a novel of the same name of Bulgakov on the first polki.
podkhodit the blonde and with sincere surprise asks: "Oh, and what, already managed to publish this book?" .
prodavets: "That you, were comics even earlier".

*****

Quarrel the blonde and bryunetka:
-Ty why at all called me the silly woman? was surprised blondinka.
bryunetka:
-Excuse I did not know that you hide it.

*****

Costs on BMW Road and it is not got. Behind all cars beep. BMW leaves the smart blonde, the Young man approaches the driver of the back car and speaks:
-, look that at me with car, and I so far instead of you pobibikat.

*****

There are on the mountain a brunette, the brown-haired woman and the blonde. Here from under the earth it is distributed golos:
-Tell of what you now think. Only if tell a lie, at once fail under the earth!
-Ya I think that I the most beautiful, - told the brunette and right there the earth under it yawned and the brunette ischezla.
-I think that I the cleverest, - told the brown-haired woman and too disappeared under zemley.
-I think …, - there began a blonde and right there failed.

*****

There are two blondes in the subway on Ring linii:
-You now where go?
-Ya now to Taganka and on Proletarian, and you?
-A I up to the end....

*****

There are two blondes on ostanovke.
odna drugoy:
-You on what bus?
-on 9. And you na
kakoy? On 9.
edet 99.
-listen to
-, and went together?

*****

There are two blondes. Talk about any politicians, prezidentakh.
i here one another speaks:
- And in America you know, what president?
-Is not present, and what? Guess
-! Well you though give to
- The help, perhaps!
-is fine, listen - three letters, in the middle of U.
ochumevshaya blondinka:
-to Che, however, perhaps?

*****

There are two blondes and, looking at the man, sporyat:
-It on.
-Is not present, it not on.
- And I say that it he. Let's ask! They and telling to
podkhodyat muzhchine:
-It you?
A the man in otvet:
-Yes! It I!
ODNA speaks drugoy:
-I said that it it.

*****

There are on a stop two blondes, one waits for the bus number 2, another - number 7. There arrived the bus number 27.
odna another speaks:
-Oh, fine, can go together!

*****

The slender blonde came into women's clothing shop and addressed to hozyainu:
-Tell, whether I can try on that blue dress, what on a show-window?
-Of course, a charm washing, - it is dazzling the owner, - stupayte
tuda smiles and try on. It will be wonderful advertizing for my shop!

*****

The student blonde is asked on ekzamene:
-you know the murderer Lermontov? I Know
-... But unless he is a murderer? He is the great poet!

*****

Three blondes are knocked on Pearl gate. Saint Peter answers them, say, before to paradise to get - it is necessary to answer any unpretentious question from Katekhezis - here, for example, that such Easter?
pervaya blondinka:
-It, in the fall, perhaps, when a turkey fry and guzzle then the whole day, huh?!
-is bad, bad - go by, - Saint answers Petr.
vtoraya the blonde, having thought, offers:
- And I know, and I know! It is in the winter when fir-trees put and gifts each other give!!!
-Went, - Saint Peter answers, and, addressing to the third, offers, - give ty.
-Easter now, - the third blonde speaks, is when Jesus and his pupils celebrated Jewish Side curls, and Jesus turned wine into blood, and Judas betrayed it and when they fell down in a garden, Romans and it arrested, and then it beat and crucified on a cross, and then it from a cross removed, and put came to a cave, and an entrance to a cave filled up with a stone, and then he revived … Oooo's
-. . - everything that the amazed Pyotr … could utter
A the blonde prodolzhayet:
-… and now once a year this stone remove and if it gets out and will see the shadow - that the winter proceeds six more weeks …

*****

The judge asks at svidetelyitsy.
-It is known, what to you will be for making false indications?
-Yes. The chief told something about 5 thousand dollars.

*****

The superstitious blonde reads goroskop:
"Day in general very adverse, your relatives are expected by serious troubles at work... "
ONA in horror calls muzhu:
-Urgently come home!
-But, expensive, today we hand over the project, the chief will become angry... I tell
-A to you, come, then I will explain all!
blondinka puts down a reciever and continues chteniye:
"... In a family the scandals, quarrels threatening with divorce and loss of trust to each other are possible... "
ONA closes a horoscope and thinks: "Now the husband will arrive, it is necessary to leave the house to avoid scandal". The blonde leaves the house, gets into the car and goes to the country. The husband calls it on mobilu:
-You that, the tearaway, decided to joke over me?! You understood, what made, the silly woman? I am discharged from office because of a truancy! I file for divorce!
husband hangs up. The blonde weepingly continues reading goroskopa:
"... Car accidents, loss of control at control of vehicles are possible..."
zachitavshis, it does not notice turn and breaks in an abyss. In flight dumayet:
"Well it is necessary, everything came true!!!"

*****

Supermarket. The blonde addresses to kassiru:
- And still, please, sigarety.
-Cigarettes are not present!
-That means "no"?
-It means the same that "is", only on the contrary...

*****

- You work very much, - the blonde speaks to the husband, - what even call the secretary at night.

*****

– What is the blonde under a shower?
-True nonsense.

*****

– What is the blonde on a podium With the cell phone?
-radio-controlled model Of the woman.

*****

Telephone zvonok:
-Hallo, the doctor, help. My husband is hurt by the head and temperatura.
-High?
-Yes, meter eighty five!

*****

Three blondes found a lamp with the genie who suggested to execute everyone on zhelaniyu.
-I Want to become clever! - the first blonde told … and became shatenkoy.
-I Want to become even cleverer! - the second told … and right there became bryunetkoy.
-I Want to become cleverer than both of them! - the third blonde told … and turned into the man.

*****

Shorts and bra of one blonde share the impressions for the last some days... For the last four days I had no
byustgalter:
-minutes of rest - me broke, rumpled, tore teeth, stretched absolutely, tore off all fasteners... To you, probably, too got?
trusiki:
-of Anything similar! Four days of absolute rest!
-He can be! While on me they reached full insanity - and you did not touch at all?!
-Quite so... All four days in a handbag nobody disturbed me!

*****

The blonde at the airport has subjects sprashivayut:
-Pricking, cutting?
-Cutting est.
-What?
-Thongs.

*****

The blonde has a fire: - Oh everything burns - burns - burns - shorts - brassieres burn - to extinguish - to extinguish - the vafelky should extinguish - oh does not help - ketchup - oh does not help - whisky - ааааааааа burns more strongly - the aaa remembered water - oh yes not to drink to extinguish - an uraa... an uraa of an ura - went out! What all wet - wet shorts - brassieres wet - to dry up the Aaa it is necessary to dry up - where matches?

*****

At the blonde twins were born, she sits on a bed and sobs. The nurse and asks:
-comes Why you cry? That will I tell
-to the husband? From whom the second child?

*****

At the blonde sprashivayut:
-you like Bernard Shaw? I do not know
-... And on what channel it goes?

*****

At the blonde standing near an exit from the bus the man standing the back her asks:
husband - The Girl you leave?
devushka. - Leave only zamuzh
husband -you descend?
devushka-Descend only suma
husband - And, what you do the girl?
devushka-Ya vylazhu.
husband -Happy birthday you, girl!

*****

Threatening with a cosine of sixty, criminals took away phone from the blonde.

*****

– How to learn when the blonde tests an orgasm? She tells
-"Following!"

*****

- How to learn, what the blonde worked behind the computer?
- The Monitor is switched off, in a crack of the disk drive will push 25-tsentovik, near a mouse the piece of cheese lies, and on the joystick will pull a condom!

*****

- How to learn, what in your refrigerator the blonde looked?
-Lipstick on cucumbers.

*****

History lesson in a female gymnasium. In a class of 20 blondes. Uchitel:
-Where there is America on the card?
nikol, one of blondes, rises and finds her location on the card. Uchitel:
-Good fellow. Still question: who peddled old stuff?
19 of blondes sharply rise also chorus otvechayut:
-Nicole!

*****

The blonde settled to work as the bartender. Time the visitor to her to the bar and speaks:
-to me, please, "A rough orgasm" .
blondinka vozmushchayetsya:
-Yes you that comes somehow! We have a decent institution here! That you afford!
-A here, in the menu is!
-of N da.... Really, in the menu is. Well, go...