Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about his wife

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The lady gets divorced with muzhem.
sudya asks damu:
-What reason of divorce?
-Well …. He drinks
-?
-NET.
-Drugs?
-NET.
-earns A little?
-Yes generally, net.
-Beats?
-NET.
-does not care of children?
-Zabotitsya.
-Changes?
-Is not present that you!
-does not satisfy you as the woman?
-Is not present, with it everything normalno.
-does not help about the house?
-Pomogayet.
- Then in what the reason? Understand
-, the citizen the judge, all that is necessary it does … but … you would see with what it does it by a face ….

*****

- Dasha, you not so understood me! It I you did not understand
-? I perfectly understood everything! You treat me, as a dog: bring, give,
prinesi, give!
-of Dashenk, you are mistaken!
-That it I am mistaken? Here now as I will take a mop!

*****

Two friends vypivayut:
- At me the wife - shlyukha.
drugoy:
-Why? You Present to
-, food from holiday, the telegram vyslal.
priyezzhayu, and it with lyubovnikom.
through some time it is thoughtful dobovlyaet:
- And maybe not the whore .
mozhet, simply the telegram did not receive.

*****

Two men in the bar drink whisky with ice. - drugomu:
-Watch one, what interesting piece of ice - with a hole in the middle!
drugoy melankholichno:
-Anything surprising, I on such is married 20 years...

*****

Two men derutsya:
-You the truth with my wife slept?
-Well fell down...
-If I had a gun, I would shoot you if I had a knife, I would kill you! You me butt
-A …

*****

Two men have a snack and brag of the Wifemi:
-mine not that horse, an elephant at full tilt will stop! My
-A here caught up with a cat in the yard which at it a sudachka pulled down... You eat cutlets, eat.

*****

Two ladies talk about zamuzhestve.
-to me it seems, - one speaks, - that the marriage reminds a mirage v
pustyne - with palaces, palm trees and camels. Then the palace, behind it palm trees disappears and, at last, remain
S one camel.

*****

razgovarivayut:
-Estimate two girlfriends, my husband told three days ago that leaves on hunting, and here still he is not present!
-Oh, so it, probably, got lost, got lost...
-Well, rather - zaplutitsya, zabludat

*****

Two neigbours with frenzy beat out kovry.
-"Zhiguli" men thought up... Swine... That on the house line not to do
-to them...

*****

Two friends carry on conversation on what wife luchshe.
-my wife, - tells the first, - very tender. As soon as I come home, she takes off a coat from me,
domashniye of a slipper gives and perchatki.
-Gloves? - was surprised drugoy.
-Yes, rubber, for washing of ware.

*****

Two men talk about the friend molodozhene.
-I do not understand why he married. After all swore us, what not zhenitsya.
-it is correct, but his wife too swore the girlfriends...
-What?
-That it will marry it

*****

The girl asks at parnya:
- And in you there is a highlight?
-Yes in me is full of them! I it is possible to tell - cake.

*****

Nine of ten husbands in revenge to wives feign pleasure from a borsch.

*****

Business was so. Last week somehow in the evening we with the wife went to bed. I tried to it
podkatitsya, but eventually uslyshal:
-Know, I not something want. Simply take me in the objyatiyakh.
-THAT??? She told
I the most awful phrase which the man from the lyubimoy:
-Well, however, the road can only hear. It seems to me, you simply do not catch my female emotional potrebnosti.
ya thought: "From what it it?" . Generally, that evening so anything and ne
poluchilos, we simply fell asleep. Next day we went behind purchases to one known firm,
kotoruyu I will conditionally call HDS (huge department store). We with it took a walk in different departments,
ona tried on three ofigitelno expensive evening dresses, but could not understand what is better for it than all
podkhodit. I told that it took all three. Then it went to look for shoes which would be combined by
S these dresses, and I suggested it to take on couple k
kazhdomu to a dress. On the way to cash desk the jewelry, and ona
podobrala itself couple of ear rings with diamonds got to us. Know... I did not see it so excited long ago.
vidimo, it solved that I went crazy - it decided to ask me as about wons of that tennis bracelet of
- I know that she and rackets never held in hand. Well, I and agreed to it. Generally, whether she
edva squealed from delight, it had really physical and sexual pleasure. It was necessary to
videt as her face when it saida:
-Well, darling, seems to me that it everything shone. It is possible to go to kasse.
ya hardly constrained itself when I proiznes:
-Am not present, expensive, to me something not hochetsya.
vot you know, what expression means "became thin in the face"? All this gamma
emotsy - neponyatka, chagrin, indignation, anger... ran on litsu
moyey obozhayemoy.
-Well, however, expensive. I simply want that you took in svoikh
objyatiyakh all this vot.
i when it was already ready to snatch me and to break off on tysyachu
malenkikh scraps, I dobavil:
-seem to me that you simply do not catch my man's finansovye
vozmozhnosti...
Tak that now approximately till 2008 sex does not shine me.

*****

The rural family got for the first time to lives to the big city. The wife at once dragged the husband and the son in
ogromny shopping center and right there began to run from department in department, having absolutely forgotten about domochadtsakh.
predostavlennye to herself, cowboys loafed on a hall, staring po
storonam. Their attention was drawn by the stout elderly woman who was sitting in a wheelchair about some
dverey and attentively looking at bulbs over them. Having approached closer, they saw figure "1", and in this
moment of a door opened. The woman drove inside.

*****

- Doctor how health of my husband?
-Everything is all right. We made to it a X-ray of the head and fortunately, anything did not find there.

*****

The wife asks houses muzha:
-You say that your chief had a good mood when you asked it to increase to you a salary. You so solved
pochemu? He nearly died of laughing
-

*****

- Let's say you have sex with two women and in this moment
vkhodit the third. What will be?
-Most likely, divorce proceedings.

*****

- Darling if I was suddenly ruined, you would continue menya
lyubit?
-Of course, but very much would lack you to me...

*****

- Whether darling seems to you, what you give will svoyemu
muzhu much? Five years in marriage can after all uvesti.
-I and only I dream of it.

*****

- Darling I lie at your feet...
-Yes get up already, the swine drunk

*****

- Darling I will call back to you later, I now cannot use foul language

*****

- Honey, I suggest not to buy a vacuum cleaner. Better nanyat
devushku-domrabotnitsu.
- In this case, the air conditioner, we also collect nothing. Because ego
legko can replace a cute boy with a fan.

*****

- Darling you is fine, as these flowers!
-A I thought, I am beautiful as the gold bracelet with brilliantami.
-Is not present. You are beautiful, as these flowers

*****

- Darling bring to me beer. It there in the refrigerator, on top polke.
-I to you that, the slave that to carry beer?
-O is not present, the Hare. The sun as you could such think! Simply if not the favourite person,
tak who else?
-N

*****

- Honey, today a holiday, so you can work with me a little later will bring?
Anekdoty about men and women

*****

- Darling I think that in a family it is necessary to solve everything soobshcha.
-It pravilno.
- Therefore go here, and we will solve together to our Dimke problems po
matematike.

*****

- Honey, I had a wonderful dream that I was still a bachelor and ask tvoey
ruki ??...
- And what are you so happy?
- You turned me down.

*****

- Darling you had men to me?
-was not, I swear the son

*****

- Dear friends. Today only the relatives and the dearest people gathered on this wedding. Therefore
budet is difficult to provoke a fight, but I am a professional.

*****

Dear women! Write you muzhchiny.
davayte it is remediable historical injustice. From now on you will drive us in restaurants and night clubs,
odevat, to buy to us expensive colognes, to pay bills in sports clubs, to ride on cars, and also
darit to us them on birthday, to carry us on rest to the exotic countries, for hours to expect us in the
U car of shops, and for they are we will sleep

*****

- Darling, take out garbage!
-Lovely, well I only prisel.
- And what you did?
-Lay.

*****

- Darling, as you think, to me there is this beret?
-Expensive. I will tell you honestly. To you already there is everything.

*****

- Darling, I forgot you to warn, what I know how to cook only fried eggs and semolina kashu.
- And what from these two dishes you put to me in a plate?

*****

- Road! I want to buy a new jacket. As you think how the beautiful jacket has to look?
-Well, high such, harmonous...

*****

- Yes, the road, the love is really blind. The truth people govoryat.
-But matrimonial life - the ingenious oculist. I tell it to you

*****

- Whether darling, could make you to me small buterbrodik?
-is good, obgryzt.

*****

- Darling, is no time me here. We with little girls note. Take away syna.
-From where?
-From maternity hospital...

*****

- Darling, to what you at me suspicious!
-A with you differently nelzya.
-Is possible. Simply it is not necessary to see my lover in each man sitting in a case.