Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about his wife

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The husband came home the drunk. Wife:
-You promised me yesterday that segodnya
budesh to another chelovekom.
-Well, promised. I am not guilty that he too likes to drink.

*****

The husband asks at zheny:
-Dai fifty rubles! I will not give
Wife:
-, propyesh.
ushla for work. Comes back in the evening - geese in a shed are not present, the husband drunk lezhit.
-Where geese?
-On the South departed. Tomorrow you will not give money - and rams will go to mountains

*****

The husband drunk comes back home, the wife swears why again drank so mnogo.
-Yes, a little, took only a bottle on troikh.
-Why you such drunk?
-Two did not come.

*****

The husband tells in a circle of friends about yesterday's quarrel with zhenoy:
- And for whom there was the last word?
-Clear business - for me! - it is proud he speaks - I told: Well, buy...

*****

The husband decided to visit unexpectedly the wife in komandirovke.
priyekhal, at once got into a bed, rough sex, rough orgazm.
iz-for walls kriki:
-Well strike more silently, please! I already with you five nights not mogu
spat

*****

The husband swears with zhenoy:
-Pochemu you cannot understand in any way? There is no such concept as YOURS! All our! Our car, our apartment!! ALL
VSYo ALL OUR!!!! Well you you in a case dig when I talk to you, what you look for there?
Wife with astonishment raises the head, and is thoughtful otvechayet:
-Nash a brassiere

*****

The husband sits on a sofa, reads the newspaper, the wife cleans the room. When it reaches with the vacuum cleaner a sofa and
prosit of the husband to raise feet, that discontentedly vorchit:
-Eternally you without me cannot make anything.

*****

The husband walks on the apartment in pants. Guests have to come soon. The Road Wife:
-, put on, soon guests ppidut.
-Anything, let look how you badly feed me what I hudoy.
-Well you then pants snyal.
-What for?
-That saw, for WHAT to feed you.

*****

The husband gathers for work and asks zhenu:
-You cleaned my jacket?
-Yes dorogoy.
- And trousers?
-Certainly dorogoy.
- And boots? You and there pockets have
-A?

*****

The husband is going to leave. The wife zlitsya:
-Again in the middle of the night you will come pyanyy.
v three o'clock in the morning the call is distributed, the drunk husband and spitefully krichit:
-Well becomes hollow, cawed

*****

The husband asks:
-Darling admit, how many times you changed me?
-Only two times, darling: once with a soccer team, another - with an orchestra.

*****

The husband asks:
- The Wife, how many times you changed me?
-Only two times, darling: once with a soccer team, and another - with an orchestra.

*****

The husband three days of the house did not appear, for the fourth day was declared. The wife emu:
-Where gadded? Yes you present to
-, this Bin Laden such padla! Sent to work to me the letter. I open it, and there -
bely powder!
-I that? Anthrax??
-is worse. Gonorrhea...

*****

The husband with pleasure climbs in a bed where already waits for it Wife:
-Well - with, whether long skillfully?
-Yes … skillfully long …

*****

The husband, having buried in gazetu:
-Darling something disturbs me Gonduras.
- And you do not finger it

*****

The husband speaks in the morning, sitting down for stol:
-Here as since morning you will shave, so feel 10 years more young!
-Better you for the night would have a shave

*****

The husband reads the book, the wife - gazetu.
-Is tremendous! - suddenly she exclaims. - One man dnem
poznakomilsya with the woman, married her, and the next morning ubil
ee in the evening!
-of Anything special, - phlegmatically are noticed by the husband. - Morning vechera
mudrenee.

*****

The husband is home in the morning. Wife:
-You went crazy. I all night long an eye not somknula.
- And you think, what I slept?

*****

The husband is not present, the wife lies, reads. Time is later. Zvonok.
podoshla to a door: "You, you perhaps?" - molchaniye.
tolko laid down - again zvonok.
opyat approached: "Vasya, you perhaps?" - again molchaniye.
utrom opens - Vasya lies and snores. It awakes him and krichit.
-I asked you - You or not!!
-IK! And I to you nodded

*****

The man complains drugu:
-As the first time I will climb on the wife, so me goes hot and as the second time I will climb - so in holod.
Wife poyasnyaet:
-Here and we live - once - in the summer and once - in the winter

*****

The man with the wife stop taksi.
muzhik:
-Tell, how much is to pass to the market?
taksist:
-Hundred rubley.
muzhik:
- And if together with the wife?
taksist:
-Hundred rubley.
muzhik turns to zhene:
-I Said to you, the silly woman that you Cost nothing!!!!

*****

The man liked to drink secretly from the wife. As that he bought a vodka bottle, cut cucumbers, was prepared by
dushoy and a body, but suddenly hears - in the lock the key turns - the wife came. The man is enough a bottle,
nachinayet to rush about on kitchen, without finding a safe place, and suddenly notices a big clock with a cuckoo.
ON quickly hides vodka there and runs to come zhenu.
prokhodit to some time, spouses have supper. At this moment hours open, and kukushka.
- The Man, what time is it now from there creeps out?
-Nine chasov.
- Then to a ku-k nine times

*****

The man on all fours comes home, in a hall him meets Wife:
-Something is necessary? Bring to
-a basin, I will pull out...
Wife in a minute comes back with tazikom:
-On!
-is not necessary Any more. I changed the concept - I was trashed...

*****

The man comes home nikakoy.
Wife speaks: - Saws!
M: - Not pil.
zh: - Yes after all drank, admit!
M: - Not pil.
zh: - But after all you do not stand on the feet. You hold a jamb! Saws, I ask?!
M: - Not pil.
zh: - Well, tell - "Gibraltar"...
M: - Saws.

*****

The man faces maternity hospital, having lifted up the head. Masha shouts to the woman in okne:
-! Well, who?!
-Germans!. Four - zero!. I nearly gave rise!

*****

The man leaves for rest, to the resort, and You ask soseda:
-look after my wife if to her the man comes - hammer a tack into a door. And I will arrive, I will count
gvozdiki and I will understand everything. All right?
through month it comes back, and to doors one gvozdik.
-Well, once came, huh? What
-one? I already handed over two doors in scrap metal.

*****

Man. Fan of boxing. Today - fight for a rank of the world champion. For an hour - asks for leave from work. On
zabegayet Road to shop. Buys shrimps and beer. 40 minutes to a match - it houses. Throws shrimps into water,
pivo - in the freezer, that quicker. 5 minutes to a match. Gets beer, takes out krevetki.
minuta to a match. The man sits in front of the TV, in the left hand - the cleared shrimp, in the right hand -
otkrytaya a bottle. I... Gong!
pervy round, first blow... Knockout. The man sits, can tell nothing. Only blinks and
hands in air waves. Turns around to a door to the room, and there his wife costs, having put hands on a breast, and
asks ego:
-Well?! Now you understand me?

*****

The man at two o'clock in the morning comes back home the drunk. The wife, naturally, asks:
-You where were?
-Beer pil.
-Where it you at two o'clock in the morning beer of saws?
-Yes here, in two quarters of bars new opened...
-So it bar for the blue!
-Op-pa... And men do not know.

*****

The man with distinguished taste looks for the woman 92,34х61,71х93,45. Not the bore.

*****

The man is good when sleeps. And sleeps when it is good.

*****

- My wife and I were happy for twenty years!
- And then what happened?
- We met ...

*****

We with my wife were happy whole twenty let.
a then we met...

*****

At dacha. The husband shouts zhene:
-Darling I dug out potato, a fencing strengthened, waters brought! What it is necessary to make?
Wife, zadumchivo:
-Seems, at viagra some other mission...

*****

At a guest-night she long got accustomed to the husband and, at last, voskliknula:
-It is simply difficult to believe that five glasses of vodka could change so man.
-Forgive, expensive, but I drank only one ryumku.
-Yes, but I drank five.

*****

The Woman sits down on a shop near the woman muzhchina:
-, you is casual not the teacher? Da's
-! And how you guessed?
-U you person silly...
-U you too person silly!!!
-Yes I too teacher...

*****

On the eleventh year of family life the wife asks muzha:
-Darling, and of what you thought in our first marriage night?
-O than thought? What I will bang you until you descend with uma.
zhenu so excited these words, what she right there laid down on a bed and moved apart nogi.
- And now of what you think?
-Yes, here I think that to me after all it managed to be made.

*****

On the fifth wedding day only the marriage certficate rescued from confusion.

*****

At an agricultural exhibition the wife not without malice pays attention of the husband to a cage with
petukhom-rekordistom:
-Look, serves fifty hens in a row!
-But different! - the husband objects.

*****

At a silver wedding the husband confusedly admits zhene:
-Know, expensive, our marriage, in effect, a consequence oshibki.
-As?! - exclaims Wife.
-Yes, imagine. After all I whistled then to stop a taxi, a
podoshla you.