Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about his wife

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The husband speaks zhene:
-Expensive feed kota.
Wife:
-Kot syt.
husband :
-well feed when possyt.

*****

The husband speaks zhene:
-Well and the idiot you!
-Of course, idiot. I would be married to the general, would be the general's wife.

*****

The husband speaks zhene:
-I now will go to bed and when I want to drink, you me razbudi.
- And how I learn when you want?
-You only wake me.

*****

The husband speaks zhene:
-Since we began to give to our Artur for a good mark money, it brings home one
pyaterki!
-It seems that it shares revenue with the teacher...

*****

The husband speaks zhene:
-This new hat to me not on vkusu.
Wife with sarkazmom:
-That do, darling, I cannot put on a vodka bottle the head.

*****

The husband long argues with the wife. Completely exhausted, he speaks:
-it is fine... let will be your way...
-Late! I already changed the mind

*****

The husband complains zhene:
-That such, I can understand nothing: the razor does not take at all, at all not breet.
-Is strange... And it cut linoleum well...

*****

Husband: - I have a wife to you 3 questions...
Wife: - In an ass not dam.
husband : - Then two...
Wife: - In a mouth not vozmu.
husband : - Then one: And nakhren you are necessary to me?

*****

The husband and the wife go in the car, they are stopped by the GAI officer, wishing to fine for excess of speed. The husband of
vykhodit from the car also begins sporit:
-I went with a speed of 60 km/h of 7070707070707070 70!
-60!
-70!
TUT from the car appears the wife and speaks:
-Companion militiaman, with my husband is useless to argue, when it drunk.

*****

The husband and the wife have dinner. The wife spills on herself borshch:
-Faugh! I look as a pig!
-Aga. Moreover and a borsch has a shower bath

*****

The husband and the wife discuss the budget. Everything to the last cent leaves on life, and they would like a few
otkladyvat. The wife argues vslukh:
-Perhaps to us it is necessary to borrow a little money every month and to postpone them?

*****

The husband and the wife have a car accident. The husband gets off light - the wife in
reanimatsii... There is a doctor from operational and tells muzhu:
- At me mlokhy news... At your wife the backbone is killed... So now it is necessary to you every day
NE on time to take out from under it a duck....
-B..... - the husband ponik.
-besides at it a strong injury of the head... She will live as a plant, you should feed her through
zond...
-P...-husband in nokaute.
-It still that! All other vital bodies work perfectly well! So she will live SO as early as years of 40
minimum...
-......!!!!!!!!!
-All right, relax, the man! I joked! She DIED!!!

*****

The husband and the wife got small small restaurant under a sign "Saint George's hotel-
restoran and a dragon". A year later the wife umerla.
-my poor friend, - began to sympathize with it the friend, - that you teper
budesh to do?
-First of all I will clean the word "dragon" from a sign.

*****

husband :
-Now when we are married, I can point out your some defects...
Wife:
-do not trouble yourself, darling, I know them. These are those shortcomings because of which I did not get the husband of
luchshe, than you...

*****

The husband speaks to the wife after seksa:
-Tell, it is only honest! This time you really did not pretend to be?
-Is not present, I honestly slept

*****

The husband - zhene:
-Darling let's have sex!
Wife:
- The Pancake why you always think of sex?!
husband :
-Because soccer not soon!!

*****

The husband - zhene:
-Why you changed me?
-Ya had to be convinced, what you luchshiy.
-Why are so much times?
-reduced the Error.

*****

... The husband zhene:
- At me never was the novel on the party, and you can tell the same?
Wife:
-Of course, only not with such honest face.

*****

The husband - zhene:
-Sweet washing, I want you poprosit.
-About what, darling?
-Swear to me if I die, you after my death will be nobody lyubit.
- And if you do not die?.

*****

The husband with the wife moved in new kvartiru:
-Well and how, Lyusya, you the new apartment?
-Yes anything. Only the kitchen in hips is rather small

*****

The husband with the wife send to dantistu.
-to you with an anesthesia or without? - asked vrach.
-Without anesthesia! - resolved husband .
-Bravo! - the dentist told, - At last there was a brave man!
-Sit down in a chair, expensive, - the husband told.

*****

The husband with the wife on a buffet reception. The waiter bypasses guests, offering them alcoholic drinks. Inclines to the man and
asks:
-That your wife usually drinks?
-my blood

*****

The husband notices, what on a finger the new ring Asks the wife, from where?
-A... yes it is a lottery was, here, vyigrala.
through some time the husband sees, what at the wife new kolye.
- And a necklace from where? Well I told
-to you. There was a lottery, I vyigrala.
v the day off the wife change clothes, and the husband notices, what at the wife very beautiful belye.
-From where such linen?
-Oh, well I hundred times spoke to you. In a lottery won. I will go I will walk,
nemnogo air podyshu.
- And, well give, give. Only put on more warmly, and that lottery bilet
zastudish.

*****

The husband finds the better half in a bed with the lover?
glyadya on the spouse in an emphasis, it asks:
-You will believe the eyes or what I will tell you?

*****

The husband asks at the wife of permission to go to days off on fishing, and it emu:
"Go darling! I for horns do not hold you?."

*****

The husband bathes the child, shouts from vannoy:
-Kat, he eats foam!
through to steam minut:.
-of Kat, it really tasty

*****

The husband got drunk and calls from restorana:
-Hallo, hallo! It is the switchboard?
-Yes.
-Urgently connect me to my wife! What
-number?
-you that, think, what I have the whole harem to number wives?

*****

The husband poddaty comes home. The wife at once bu-bu-bu, the drunk devil's, only vodka on mind... Here the husband climbs in
karman, a piece of paper gets and speaks:
-Stop! Here I just brought the test, we will look what you cultural! At
Wife:
-Well, we will look! Read!
-So, means. The first question - call two look foreign valyuty.
-Yes though dollar and marka.
-So. Further - call two look contraceptive sredstv.
-Yes I ten nazovu.
-Trust at once you. The third question - call two rivers in Iceland. You are silent? Well here, I and knew! Except grandmas and
trakhanya - any interests

*****

The husband late comes back home. Tries to open a door, but unsuccessfully. The wife leans out from okna:
-Again lost a key, the drunkard? Now I will dump svoy.
- The Key I did not lose. And you dump a keyhole better.

*****

The husband, having come late domoy:
-You can guess where I was?
Wife:
-I Can. But tell the version in the beginning.

*****

The husband comes from long business trip with a large sum deneg.
zovet to the spouse to take a walk, vodka to drink. Later time, vyvylivayas
iz the next tavern, it speaks:
-Went to tebe.
a the wife in otvet:
-You that! at me yesterday the husband arrived...

*****

The husband comes home from business trip. Asks zhenu:
-Sergey Ivanovich came? That you with it did
-Prikhodil.
-?
-Tea pili.
- And still?
-Music slushali.
- And still?
-Tselovalis.
-Where kissed?
-B guby.
- And still?
-B sheyu.
- And still?
-B grud.
- And still?
-B zhivot.
- And still? koleni.
-You do not jump over
-B

*****

The husband brings home the new TV. The wife asks:
- And why on packing the shot glass is drawn?
-It means that purchase should be washed...

*****

The husband comes home. He is met by the wife with plakatom:
" I do not talk to you!"
husband shrugs shoulders and sits down to watch televizor.
through five minutes in front of the TV there is a wife with plakatom:
" And know, why?"...

*****

The husband comes home. The wife to it speaks:
- The Switch broke, repair, You're welcome.
-I that, the electrician perhaps?
Ha following den:
- The Crane flows, to correct nado.
-I that, the plumber perhaps?
Ha the man comes the third day home, the crane does not leak, rabotayet.
-Who made the switch? That asked
-Sosed.
-A? To Sing
-or dat.
- And you that, sang?
-Ya that, singer perhaps?

*****

The husband comes home, and the wife to him speaks:
-Present, Svetka Petrova told me today that at it muzha
sifilis!
-Pancake! And I today with Petrov half a day protrepatsya! What to do? Yes be not afraid of
-, syphilis so simply not peredayetsya.
-Well, it to me all brains за#бал!

*****

The husband comes home from work and the wife speaks:
-So, give quickly undress. Quickly, quickly, and in a bed. I uzhe
terpet not mogu.
-As "undress"? For what? You years three as forgot about it i
dumat. Really …?
-Yes undress, I speak to you. Now you will see, what such nastoyashchiy
seks.
-Now, now, I fast, fast …
-All? It is ready? Undressed? Uf-f. At last though someone managed to be pinned since April first.

*****

The husband comes home, knocks at the door. Wife asks:
-It you? I am afraid of
-that ya.
khodim the other day with the husband on the ware market. Passing by department so
svadebnymi dresses my look stops on one of them. Myslenno
predstavlyayu itself in this fine dress. Thoughtfully I purr to the husband na
ushko:
- Andrey, and let's divorce - and again we will get married!
otvet would follow mgnovenno:
-I on your place did not begin to risk so

*****

The husband comes at night home drunk, the wife starts shouting at him, tycht a finger in hours. husband :
-You that for hours show me? My mother showed to the father on a calendar