Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about his wife

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- It is strange that the biggest fools have the most beautiful wives! - said
husband .
-Flatterer! - the wife smiled to it.

*****

Court. Divorce proceedings. The judge asks zhenu:
-For what reason you want to get divorced from husband?
It as the man does not satisfy me!
zhensky from zala:
-All satisfies a voice, and it is not present! A voice from zala:
- And it nobody satisfies with
muzhskoy

*****

Spouses make love to an experience, and the man obviously in a dream drives. Eventually the wife not of
vyderzhivayet:
-Wan, well cho you all as a log lie, huh?
-A absolutely became impudent you watched gymnastics on TV today?
-Is not present, and what? So look at
-that normal maids on a log can do.

*****

- Sir! Yesterday you roughly offended your wife, my sister! Work to take my card: we will be
dratsya!
-Unfortunately, you were late, I already fought with your sister.

*****

- Tan, well when you will stop being such jealous?
-You again named me Tanya!!

*****

- Tanya, and where your spouse?
-A it again with the canine friend?
-you got a doggie?
-Is not present, its canine friend is a sofa.

*****

Telephone razgovor:
-Darling, and than you there without me are engaged?
-Yes so... That one, another, a liqueur glass I will rinse...

*****

- Now I more will never hear it steps and a call to a door exactly at seven o'clock in the evening!
-My God, what happened, Dorothy?
-I more will never be for it the twilight in a drawing room...
-Yes you that?
-More it will not sit now on

*****

Three weeks after a wedding. The young wife calls mother all in slezakh:
-Mothers, I simply do not know what to do! At us here such family scene was played! Horror!
-is quiet, the daughter, be not upset. In each family sometime there are first disputes, konflikty.
-Yes I know it. And with a corpse of that to do?

*****

Three o'clock in the morning. The husband with the wife sleep. Suddenly call to a door. The husband, using foul language, goes to open.
muzhik is on the threshold, it is obvious poddatyy:
- The Friend, we will go with me, here nearby, You will help me tolknut.
-, the man, okhrenet, perhaps? Three o'clock in the morning. Go another ask somebody. The husband lays down again in
postel. The wife asks who prikhodil.
-Yes, some goat got stuck, asked it to push. I it poslal.
-You simply beast some. You remember how our motor decayed and in the rain, and us some guy of
tsely pushed hour? You that, cannot help out the person?
husband , again using foul language, gets out of a bed, puts on. Leaves to the yard in full darkness. Krichit:
-Man! Where are you?
IZ temnoty:
-Here I! Go here!
-Yes where here?
-Well here, on a swing

*****

Three men after death get to paradise. There they are met by the apostle Pyotr and speaks:
- At us here such order: anybody on foot does not go, all go by something. And on what - depends on, whether
mnogo of people sinned during lifetime. Here you (addresses to the first man) how many times fooled around?
-of Times 50, probably... It is a lot of
-, you are a sinner. Here to you Zaporozhets, also go by him. And you (addresses to the second man)
skolko?
-of Times 5...
-Well, it still anything. Here to you Volga. And you (addresses to the tety man)?
-Yes never, even in thoughts was not!
-Here you are the real Christian. Here to you for Ferrari merits, vladey.
nu, they parted. After a while the first two meet the third, he parked the car also
sidit gloomy. It sprashivayut:
-You that such sad, at you has those what wheelbarrow, rejoice! Yes, a wheelbarrow it is good
-... Only I here just on rollers met the wife...

*****

At an entrance in magazin:
-Darling same not our kid! But you look at
-of Darling as far as this carriage is better than ours

*****

- The wife has a birthday today, and I do not know, what to her podarit.
- And you come home trezvym.
-you Think? Generally date not round.

*****

At Mrs. Smith the husband died and the insurance agency pays fifty tysyach
dollarov to the poor widow. It it is bitter plachet:
-Ah, I would give a third of this money if only it was again with me...

*****

At one man the wife gives birth. And at once after the delivery it is let in chamber where his wife with
novorozhdennym lies. He, happy rushes to it, kisses it, embraces, cries from schastya.
-I am so happy that you to me gave birth to the son! Successor! - the touched husband speaks and turns to
krovatke. And right there in horror jumps aside from it. The child in a bed - black negritenok.
Wife having risen and having glanced at the kid the Geek starts shouting on muzha:
-! Cattle! You - a dirty pig! What is the eyes vylupit? You will also approve now, what not
spal with our chernozhopy servant

*****

- How at you family life? Only it is honest! You feel the wife's elbow?
-I a shoulder, and an elbow, but only on a visit, and if we sit next.

*****

- To you already sixty, and you, the old fool instead of marrying modest fifty-year
zhenshchine, want to take the eighteen-year-old. Same samoubiystvo.
-Much you understand! The St is better to be lost from a sharp damask knife, than from rusty

*****

The dying husband speaks to the zhene:
-Perhaps, you were faithful to me all life, and can and sinned? Now, when I die, can
priznatsya that changed me. Now all the same, but it would be desirable to know the truth before smertyyu.
- And suddenly you will not die?

*****

The tired and gloomy husband comes from work, has supper, goes to a bed to have traditional sex with
zhenoy. The wife, seeing such mood of the spouse and wishing to make it pleasant, Darling as it is good says in protsesse:
-...
-A-a-a! The speaking log

*****

In the morning, after a Christmas party, the husband wakes up with a terrible headache. Also he began to complain
supruge:
-Oh, as I awfully feel!
-Of course, - were told by the wife, - it was not necessary to drag from itself duraka.
-yesterday And what I such made?
-You began to swear at the boss, and it you uvolil.
-Yes? It went to hell! This
-you yesterday to it and said.
-I? - mistrustfully the husband asked. - Yes, it is necessary it something such zadobrit.
-do not worry now, I already made it. You can come to work tomorrow.

*****

In the morning the husband and the wife wake up. The wife nudges the husband in bok:
-Darling, and after all twenty five years, how we pozhenilis.
-Yes today? So what?
-Can a pylon we will hammer?
- The Pylon than is guilty?

*****

In the morning, leaving for work, the wife found on a landing sleeping muzha.
-I in you how many times asked yesterday - You it or not?
A that otvechayet:
-I to you as much time nodded.

*****

I go on the apartment, I look for the wife with shout "Where my queen?" The answer came from a toilet - "On a throne!"

*****

The host with friends drinks vodka. Already in fair podpitiya he shouts zhene:
- When snack give? When to drink terminate
-!
khozyain claps friends on plecham:
-Means, not soon, children! Pour

*****

Good men are scarcer than hen's teeth, they roll on a sofa.

*****

- Che you such sad?
-C the wife quarreled. Wanted to ask "expensive, make to me a breakfast", and it turned out "you to me a bough spoiled all
zhizn"!!

*****

- You that such sad?
-I Come into the subway yesterday, I look - the astounding maid sits. Young,
nogi from ears, the beauty... I also winked at it...
-A it?
-Rose and gave way to me.

*****

The person with a fresh shiner under an eye wearily goes on ulitse.
-you look bad, - the compassionate passerby addresses to it. - Let me take away you domoy.
-By no means! I go exactly from there.

*****

In three months after a wedding the wife accused the husband that he became less it lyubit.
-you always Earlier there was the first, made for me a breakfast, and now it should be done everything me.
-Nonsense! - he objected. - Because you get up at daybreak and make a breakfast, my love of
niskolko to you did not decrease.

*****

The man reads the "Iz Ruk V Ruki" newspaper, suddenly sees the announcement "A Mercedes-600 for $5", called also the truth for $5.
priyekhal bought. Goes and thinks: "Here silly woman! For $5 sold such car". There passes week, the car in
ispravnosti, well comes it to it and asks:
-Why you sold such car for $5?
A it in reply says emu:
-Yes me the husband threw, all left, but, speaks, the car will sell and money to me will send

*****

That the man wants to hear from devushki:
-everything so expensively Here... Perhaps at once to me?

*****

That wives from the husbands want to hear:

*****

Foreign man, when drunk, drunk such cheerful and interesting! And the - the fool the fool.

*****

Excursion in zooparke.
gid: - This is an elephant. Lives in the jungle of India. Sexual intercourse lasts 2 chasa.
Wife to the husband: - Heard?!!
husband became sad. Go dalshe
gid: - This is a hippopotamus. Lives in bogs of Africa. Sexual intercourse lasts 1,5
chasa.
Wife: - Heard?!!
husband hung the head. Go dalshe.
gid: - This is a reindeer. Lives in the tundra. Sexual intercourse lasts 1,5 sec. of
husband : - Heard?!! Heard!
Wife: - Little fool! Look at what horns at it!

*****

It is awful! - the wife swears. - You began to come often after midnight,
budish me, and I cannot long fall asleep!
-Give me more money, - the husband agrees, - and I will be prikhodit
utrom

*****

South. Sea. Beach. The husband slowly enters in vodu.
Wife: How there water - warm?
husband : Degrees vosemnadtsat.
Wife: I do not ask you, how many there degrees! I speak, water warm or cold?
husband : Teplaya.
Wife: Yes? And how many degrees?

*****

- I very much worry about the husband, - the sodedka speaks to the neigbour. - It went to the small river to heat koshku.
-About what you worry?
- The Cat came back home already an hour ago

*****

- I am compelled to afflict you, darling. My culinary abilities still minimum. I know how to cook well
tolko a New Year's pie and fish, - the young wife muzhu.
-admitted I Understand, the sweetheart. Anything terrible, you will learn everything over

*****

- I read in the newspaper that for a year of people eats three kilograms of salt, - the wife speaks to the husband for obedom.
-Perhaps, only not for once, - the husband in reply, pokhlebyvy throws the put too much salt soup.